Complexiti

I don't know why I started. It just seemed like a good idea I think, and then I carried on because I was frightened of stopping.

I will stop. Again. I will go through withdrawal. Again.

And I will swear that I will never drink. Again.

But I am NOT going to give up trying.

Stoogy

Hi Complexiti, I have faith in you and you know that from our pm's of late.

When you feel like drinking just pm me or just post your feelings there is always someone available here to talk too.
Take care buddy.

ScottFromWI

Sorry you are drinking again Compexiti. Can I ask what you are doing as a recovery plan/method? There is no all encompassing cure, but there are methods for everyone. Hope you can put down the drink, we can help you form a plan if you are ready.

Complexiti

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My guts hurt. Got diabolical galloping trots. And it is all my fault.

I have about quarter of a litre of vodka left and know if I empty it down the sink I will be desperate for a drink. And can guarantee that I will go to the store for another bottle as if I don't I am really going to feel ill with withdrawal.

But if I drink it I will still need more so will buy another bottle.

And I honestly hate this.

I want it to stop. I want it to all go away and leave me in peace.

DisplacedGRITS

What are you willing to do to stop, Complexiti?

ElijahNoahColt

Just remember that being sober isn't a sacrifice! Your body and mind will be thankful that you quit.

Stay strong

Complexiti

Whatever I can. It there was rehab then I would to to rehab. But all there is is the phsycho ward where you are treated like crap and get no help.

And for reasons that give away too much personal details, I cannot leave my dog.

DisplacedGRITS

I think looking for physical outside help could be good for you. I know I have times that I really need to be in the physical company of sober alcoholics. Even just having someone I can call before I drink helps. Heck, a couple of weeks ago I had to call my sponsor before I walked into a grocery store because a stupid sign set me off. I am pretty sure that I would have caved and drank if I hadn't acknowledged the feelings I was having at that moment.

I tried to deal with my addiction all by myself for a long time. It was the Lisa show. I ran it, I dealt with it and it was a total sh*tshow. Well, at least it was my sh*tshow, right? Well, getting outside help took a lot of pressure off me. I find it harder to fail the more people I involve.

AA is working for me. I attend meetings where there are a lot of young people and women's meetings. I've made a habit of approaching other alcoholics after the meetings and hanging out. Hang with the winners, you know? It's really hard for me to reach out but it's a lot easier to deal with the consequences of that then the consequences of drinking. It's uncomfortable at times but sometimes, you just gotta sit and squirm until the feeling passes. And it does!

I understand about not wanting to go to a psych ward. I had to go through that the last time I went to rehab. It sucked but it was what I had to do to get started. Again, I had to be crazy uncomfortable to get sober. Even though I did rehab, it didn't cure me. It just got be on the road to recovery. I had to keep walking that path after rehab was over. I actually relapsed while still in rehab because I wasn't doing the work at home.

I make a lot of sacrifices for my sobriety. I give up my time for meetings and service work and fellowshipping. I give up my priorities that I used to think were so important. I'm molding my life around my sobriety, not my sobriety around my life. If I don't do that, I eventually end up drunk and it WILL kill me. Of that, I have no doubt.

So the question is, what are you willing to do? How are you going to utilize the resources you have available? What step or steps can you take today to work towards sobriety. Even something as simple as putting PostIt notes around your place to remind you to call or post here before you drink can help. I've done that myself and that gentle nudge has helped. Sometimes, it's just acknowledging where your weaknesses lie, accepting them and finding a way to deal with them is a huge step. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

tomndallas

AA is the on,y thing that has worked for me. It was very hard for me to stop, I kept relapsing over and over for the last year or more. Just being able to talk about things with a group of drunks in person and unloading this wheelbarrow of crap I have been holding inside that I did not know about has helped tremendously. In my humble opinion there is no substitute for the face to face thing. It was scary for me, and I am normally very outgoing and not a wimpy dude. But as soon as I walked in and said I was an alkie, they treated me like family.

Whatever you do, I hope you find relief soon. I know the suffering you feel is very real and the hopelessness that comes with knowing what will eventually happen if you do not stop. Serenity and peace is out there, just getting on the path and taking that first step can be tricky.

gardendiva

Have you tried AA?

tomndallas

Great advice Grits. I go to a couple groups, I have attended about 4 total before I found a small one with quite a few old timers that have a lot of sobriety. Few hundred years if you add them all up. No matter what I am going through, they have been through it and more and can usually share experience strength and hope to help me get to the next one day at a a time.

Complexiti, do you have any groups nearby you could maybe visit? What also gave me the courage, besides the good folks here at SR was aaonline.net . That was my first meeting, they gave me encouragement and helped my take the next step.

You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers today, I have so been there, I can truthfully say it is better on the other side.

tomndallas

Sorry, just read some the history here. Well my only thought here is that to get sober you need to figure out why you keep drinking. What is triggering you, what are you angry about? You need to get honest with yourself. You also seem to have some anxiety and depression which is being fueled by your alcoholism. If a program of recovery is out, what else in addition to SR can you do? You seem to be pretty intelligent, I would be interested to read your thoughts on more alternatives as your current strategy is not working.

zombiegirl

Hi.
I have been reading the posts from the past and I don't know if it is yourself or the drink but there seems to be a lot of paranoia especially when you are concerned about us tracing you.
Or your need to shut down every bit of help we are trying to provide
My friend we are all in this together we are all anonymous with each other.
Please just try to let us help you without shutting us down everytime with an excuse.
I don't do aa as currently I have no time.
So I use here for now until that time is available.
When you go to the shop just get what you need and go and if all else fails tell them not to serve u alcohol in the shop.
I'm sorry this is coming across as a bit harsh but the posts you have put on from the past just come across as you want to stop drinking but keep looking for excuses not to really pack it in

Complexiti

What is triggering me? I am not sure. Am I angry? I don't know. I am severely physically disabled but was drinking before the accident - not caused by me. Am used to it and accept it even though I hate it.

But I am virtually housebound so not easy to do normal things, and I cannot leave my dog. No ifs buts or excuses - I cannot leave her and she cannot go into kennels.

And she is my live. The only reason I get up in the morning.

zombiegirl

You are still so lucky to be able to do what you are doing. My mum is severely disabled due to ms and now a massive stroke she is now 55 and can hardly talk. She cannot do anything. She was a massive smoker n drinker. She stopped drinking nearly 7 years ago but I believe this is also what caused the stroke.
She doesn't use her disability as any form of excuse and smiles everyday as she is still on this earth.
Please look for the positives and less on the negatives.
Believe me I have had a terrible 2 years but yet im still here fighting xx

EndGameNYC

In that case, then your dog cannot lose you either.

I think you've already demonstrated that you can't do this without additional help. Whatever happens next is entirely up to you.

ScottFromWI

What I would recommend Complexiti is that you call either a local AA hotline or a national one. Even if you don't plan on going to AA, the people at the end of the line that you call are there exclusively to help you and help you quit drinking. They can refer you to resources locally that you may have no idea exist, or they may know of others that would be willing to come to your home and help or help you get to meetings/therapy/rehab.

The difficulty of your situation is understood, but the bottom line is it's not an excuse to not seek help. There is a way for anyone to get sober no matter how dire their situation seems - SR is proof of that. What's missing in the equation is you taking the initiative and action to seek help.

tomndallas

That is a very positive statement and I am grateful to hear you say that you have something to live for. I can understand how you have resentments towards something that is not in your control. Someone or something took away a very important part of your life, serious business.

Well, if you would be interested in working with me, and I do mean a little step work, you can PM me and we can start there. The first thing I want you to do is to list 10 ways you have become powerless over alcohol and how your life is currently unmanegeable. By PM only, I respect your privacy.

If GOD or religion is a touchy subject, no problem, we do not have to go there. your higher power could be your sweet little pooch who gives you comfort and a desire to live.

Helping you helps me stay sober, so I am being selfish. If you want to try then I am here for you. If you dont, I am still here for you.

hokey

Tom, thanks so much! You just nailed the HP thing for me! That made so much sense. I've heard people say your HP can be anything you envision it to be, but I still couldn't really grasp that concept. For some strange reason, your statement really solidified it for me (perhaps because I am an animal lover). Just really makes me look at the concept in a whole new way.

Complexiti

I am religious bur AA is NOT for me. There is not even an AA meeting within available distance even if it was for me. But when I say is it not, I mean it.

I do not want to discuss my dog on an open forum. She has major problems I do not want to explain.

I have sent you a PM.