dirk626

Day 22 today! Day 22 was the day that I fell off the wagon on the time before this one. That was the longest dry spell for me since 1995. Tonight we have a party to attend that we attend every year. I'm not worried about drinking. There will be others there that won't be drinking and 2 out of the last three times I attended this party I didn't drink. Tomorrow will be a new milestone. Day 40 will be the next mile stone.

beancounter26

Congrats Dirk! Longest since 1995 is an amazing accomplishment!! I find at this point I don't think (or obsess) about drinking like I did the first couple of weeks. It is definitely easier. That AV is growing weaker every day, though I know it is probably just building up strength for a moment of weakness. I have been in a couple of situations where I could have been tempted to accept that glass of wine, but was able to refuse without much suffering.

I broke my ankle playing softball last Sunday and am so lucky that I can take Tylenol and Advil without first thinking about how it will affect my drinking time. So funny how I used to live with headaches and body aches just so I could drink later in the day because I didn't want to mix medication and alcohol. Wow, what a sick way to think. Putting the alcohol first no matter what.

So glad I'm not that person anymore! Have a great time at the party tonight. Let us all know how it went.

trudgingagain

Congrats, Dirk These are all important milestones! Wow, Beancounter....I broke my ankle (dislocated the ball joint and fractured my foot in 3 places) in June....and you are just on Advil and Tylenol???? Wow...I am impressed! Surgery? As for me, I didn't drink when I broke my ankle....well, maybe a couple of glasses of wine at night, since I was afraid I might fall....had nothing to do with mixing the pain meds with the alcohol...lol ...and yep, I agree....a very sick way to think

beancounter26

Hi trudgingagain, no surgery for me thankfully. Had a simple break of my fibula above the ankle. No cast either; I got lucky enough to get a walking boot so I can at least get around. Dr. tried to give me narcotics for the pain, but I refused them. I enjoy my clarity way too much. Tylenol does the trick, luckily.

dirk626

Beancounter you're much tougher than I am! Back from the party already. Pretty cold tonight only about 6 degrees out. Funny how a nice warm bed seems so much more inviting than watching the more hard core party animals get their booze on. I was one of them not too long ago, and nobody was really out of hand, but it just seems less interesting. Stay strong and happy weekend! I'm getting up early, having a nice breakfast and going to enjoy the day tomorrow. No hangovers here...

trudgingagain

Glad you ? have a boot! Me? I now have 10 screws, a metal plate and had 26 stitches. AND I did it while COMPLETELY SOBER! 8:30am on June 14, walking with my yoga instructor to find a quiet place in front of the beach and slipped on wet grass! YIKES! Ah well....walking fine now

dirk626

Ouch Trudging! Walking on the beach sounds like heaven! Especially right now with these temperatures. One unintended consequence of finding SR is hearing about all of the other places in the world that sound like great places to live. I have always loved the water. So I live in the Midwest? Oh if it weren't for family. That's my excuse anyway. My wife loves the water as well and the mountains. If I'm not careful, we will end up moving when my daughter graduates HS in a couple of years.

trudgingagain

hahahaha, dirk! Yes, now I can walk on the beach....just had a path cleared from the house, cuz I am still a bit nervous about slipping We moved after my youngest graduated from college...but maybe it was still too soon...she has become a meth/heroin addict....I will always wonder. BUT...we often talk about how often we would see family, anyway, if we moved back. Kids are all grown and "doing their own thing", my husband's parents are still alive....but everyone lives about 2 hours from our house in CA.

dirk626

Oh...my heart hurts Trudging. I'll add your daughter to my prayers. I worry about my children, but I know that that is a waste of time. At 20 and 16 my influence over who they are and who they will be has made whatever mark it was going to make.

My wife and I just got done talking over breakfast. Our current financial goal is to get the kids through college and to become debt free so that we will be in a position to move when my wife retires at 55. Seven years to make it happen. My goal is to be out of the corporate world at the same time and to work for myself. The $400 a month I used to spend on booze will help a little. But I think the time now available that used to be reserved for drinking, being drunk, and then being hung-over will be the thing that makes it possible.

trudgingagain

Yes, kids can be tough on the soul....my youngest (now 25...the addict) had to go her own way....the oldest (now 28) barely drinks at all. Funny, how kids who were raised in the same house, turn out so differently. BTW....I was sober almost throughout their growing up years. Started drinking again, following many years of sobriety, when my oldest was a senior in H.S....BUT, always had a GREAT relationship with my youngest. Both girls...It is sad. We retired at 55! Great stuff! Good for you!

dirk626

26 days today. It seems like yesterday I was posting my first post on day 2. It also seems like a lifetime ago. Things are still going rather smoothly, which can almost be unnerving. My son is home from college on Thanksgiving break and eating us out of house and home. Everyone is relaxed and happy.

Last night I was laying in bed just after lights out and I just started giggling and then laughing. It was about 9:45 and I couldn't help myself. My wife laughed and said what's so funny. I told her nothing and then calmed down. I just felt so good. I was going to bed early enough that I knew I was going to get a solid 8 hours sleep in. I was going to sleep sober again! I was going to wake up hangover free again! I was so glad to be where I was and in that present condition... It wasn't a secret, but I just didn't think my wife would understand if I tried to explain it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

amandaw

Dirk,

Just read all 12 pages. Amazing! Congratulations. I'm on day 2! Your description of "it" really helped me. My "it" looks different, but I'm totally stealing it from you. I've only had issues with.drinking for a few years, but I am desperate not to let it go further. Thanks for posting. You're an inspiration.

dirk626

Thanks Amanda! Congratulations on day 2! Feel free to steal my monster. You can have him! LOL! I do think that image has helped me see the truth and to see my addiction for what it really is. I wouldn't wish that SOB on my worst enemy. I'm not a counselor or anything but so far what has helped me the most outside of SR is getting my mind straight about alcohol and what it is. I did a lot of reading and searching for answers and what makes the most sense to me is the "mind change." I don't think willpower is enough.

I'm going to tell you how I quit smoking 17 years ago. I think it's relevant because it fit with how I quit drinking this time.

I had been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day and chewing tobacco since I was 15 years old. I had tried dozens of times to quit and through sheer willpower managed a few days here and there. I even went a month once. But I never stopped wanting a cigarette or chew. Never! My wife didn't smoke so I didn't smoke in the house. I would go out on the front porch and smoke when the weather was nice or the back porch when it sucked.

One day I was smoking on the back porch and I turned around to see me 3 year old son standing inside the door crying. I opened the door and asked him what was wrong. He said, "Don't eat those daddy. Don't eat those, eat apples instead." From that time forward every time he would see me smoke he would cry. This went on for several weeks and was devastating to me when it happened. I would try and hide from him so that he would not be upset.

One day I decided to quit. I was on about day 2 or 3 when my wife approached me in our kitchen. She asked, "Did you quit smoking? You haven't gone out on the porch for a few days." I told her that yes I had quit. She then called out to our son and yelled for him to come into the kitchen. She then told him that daddy had quit smoking. He grabbed my legs and squealed with delight saying, "Thank you daddy, thank you...thank you!" I told him to run along and play. I was furious with my wife. How could she do that to me? How could she do that to him? I had always failed to stop. I didn't really believe I was going to be able to do it that time.

I turned to her and told her that I did not appreciate what she had done and that I was not happy with her. I said, "What happens now if I can't quit?" She looked at me cold as a fish and flatly said, "If he ever sees you smoke another cigarette it will break his heart." Then she turned and left the room.

That was it. I was done. Other than a couple of small urges I never craved another cigarette again. My mind had stopped seeing any benefit to smoking. Once I got past the physical withdrawal and addiction the emotional or mental addiction wasn't there. The physical addiction is easy to get past compared to the one in your mind.

I believe that is how you stop and stay stopped from drinking without fighting it all the time and feeling deprived. You understand that there is nothing positive in drinking. Nothing.

It amazes me today that I had the answer to my drinking problem 17 years ago, but didn't realize it.

amandaw

Great story Dirk. I hope I can do this so my daughter doesn't grow up seeing me drink. My daughter once went shopping with me and while we were walking by the wine aisle she said, "look mommy it's your drink! " I almost died and looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. She's only four. I should have quit right then. Instead I pretty much accepted it, got a bottle, and cried a little. I don't want my kid to remember that part of me. Honestly, I thought I'd been doing a decent job hiding it from her, but obviously not good enough.

I've been able to cut down recently, but I got out of control on monday. I still feel too ashamed to even speak of it. I'm just lucky no one got hurt.

Thanks again for your story. As the time is getting closer to going to my in-laws' house, I feel my resolve diminishing. Your story reminded me of my own kids. Thanks.

Bruno1979

Excellent thread dirk and very inspirational,

I have 3 young children, 10, 8 and 5 and I'm currently living a sober life just about,

Thanks for posting my friend.

Tinah

Your doing great. Just be careful. The oh I can have just one monster will be approaching soon. best of luck

trudgingagain

Thanks for your story, dirk! I remember once when my girls were little, I had a live-in housekeeper (I actually KNEW that I could not take care of them properly myself, due to my drinking). I was cleaning out the kids closet one day and found a bottle of vodka hidden in the back. I NEVER hid my alcohol. I felt I was a grown up and could drink whenever/whatever I wanted. Apparently, the housekeeper had hidden it. My girls were right there when I found it. I remember getting so MAD (rather than taking the hint). A few years later, I got sober for the first time. Again, since 1991 I have been sober 3 times for years (18 all together) with relapses in between. Today, I am on day 46 (again). Last night, I called to wish my sis a happy Thanksgiving. She told me that her son (age 32) had called her the night before, telling her that he was ready to go to rehab. She is a high-functioning alcoholic as well, but doesn't self-identify. She had the rehab pick him up (a very ritzy rehab) and so today will be his day 2. I told her she should be thankful and grateful. He may have just saved his own life. He has been drinking 2 liters of vodka a day for quite a while now...was hospitalized recently for alcohol related medical issues and was told never to drink again....but he went right back to it. Alcohol is truly a monster....we can all do this though....hang in there everyone!

dirk626

Amanda I hope your evening at the in-laws was a relaxing and sober one. Take it from me when I say my biggest regret is the kids. Not them, but the fact that I allowed them to grow up in a home with a alcoholic father as a role model. I believe that may be a sin that I cannot overcome. I don't know that I should be allowed to.

Being sober is the right decision. Don't ever second guess that! If you stumble don't stop, don't give up. With each try you will get better at it. Keep coming here to SR, but make progress. No falling into a routine.

dirk626

Thanks Bruno. Enjoy those kids. They will be grown before you know it.

Thanks Tina. The monster has tried that a little, but I brush him off quickly. I fell for that too many times in the past to be fooled by it again.

dirk626

Thanks Trudging! It's always good to here from you. My best wishes go out to your nephew and your sister. When I hear stories like that I almost feel like my 11 beers a night or more was somehow moderate. I don't know how people can drink as much as your nephew. I take that back. When I was on vacation a month ago, when I had my last binder, I drank a lot. If I didn't have a job or other family responsibilities I think over time I could work up to drinking from dawn till dusk.

I find it strange that the housekeeper would hide vodka in the children's closet. What if they got into? Were the kids old enough to have hidden it there? To try and protect their mom.

I've been reading some threads by people who have gotten to a point with their drinking that their spouse or significant other is leaving them. Those are very powerful for me right now. I guess because I thought that was going to be my fate eventually.

One of the seeds I started planting in my mind about a year ago was the role reversal seed. I tried to picture my wife behaving like I was. I imagined her coming home from work with a sack full of beer. I then imagined that she skipped dinner to go sit in front of the TV and drink. I imagined me sitting at the table with the kids eating and trying to have a normal conversation. I imagined how I would have to clean up after diner. I would have to run all of the evening errands. I imagined what it would be like for me to have to answer the children's question about their mother's drinking. I imagined her coming to bed every night drunk and stinking. I imaged trying to hold a conversation about something important and being faced with a blood shot, watery gaze and slurred incoherent speech. Dealing with irrational fits of anger and weekends watching her lay around and recover from a hangover while others went out and had lives.

My God how did she do that all these years? How did she put up with that and why did she put up with that? I might have been able to because I would be drunk with her, but she isn't a drinker. I haven't seen her drink more than 2 wine coolers at a time in the last 20 years. If I was sober, and she behaved like that, she would have gotten an ultimatum about 10 years ago.

When I was drinking part of me wanted her to leave. Leave and find someone else while she is relatively young. She is pretty and smart and would have no problem making a new life for herself. I wanted better for her than me. I love her so much that I would still rather see her pack up and leave than to stay with me if I go back to drinking. There were times when I thought about forcing the situation and just leaving. Make her move on so to speak. But I was to weak. I had been to weak to stop drinking and to weak to leave so that she could have the life she deserved. Talk about selfish. Look the word up in the dictionary and my picture is there.

But not anymore! Those days are gone, and I am going to work very hard to make sure that she didn't stick around for nothing.