Try18

Great to read your progress Dirk. I am on day 2. Your determination is inspiring,.keep it up!!

dirk626

Sober Recovery Articles » Urge Surfing

I hope this link works. I don't know how to navigate around this site very well yet. I'm glad to see you still out here. I need to go through this thread and take some notes to stay up and engaged with the other new comers and those old salts that can keep offering their insight and wisdom. I'm losing track!

dirk626

Try18 I thank you. I have been overwhelmed by the support I'm receiving from the people here on SR. I don't know if you have experience with this site, but I would encourage you to spend some time out here, it is definitely worth it! Day 6 now and I finally got a decent nights sleep last night. I woke up with a dry pillow and actually felt rested. Can't wait for another good nights sleep tonight. Congratulations on day 2!!! That was a big day for me as it was the day I found this website. I found out I am far from alone and there are a lot of people that have been down my path and are well and thriving. I thought I knew that. You know, the statistics about alcoholism and substance abuse are readily available, but in my world I didn't talk about it or admit to it. So in a way I was alone with my demons. Funny, considering my father, sister, grandfather and an uncle and cousin or two are or were alcoholics. To be honest, other than my wife and kids, I don't know who knows or suspects I'm a drunk. The wife and kids keep that secret pretty well. It makes me sad to think about the shame they must feel...all my doing!

You aren't alone and you now have a bunch of folks in your corner rooting for you and willing to give you as much support as you're willing to accept!

Try18

Thankyou I am in my bed full of anxiety just now and too scared to try and sleep, this forum has been a blessing. I've read about tonight over old posts of people at this stage and it is a comfort. I know this is the physically tough part from doing it before but enough is enough. You sound very determined and optimistic. Im looking forward to reading about your journey. I am going to my doctor tomorrow and taking a print out of my posts so Im entirely honest with her. I live and drink alone so my family have been shielded from the pain of those relapse, but my experience has shown me its only a matter of time before it all comes out if i don't stop now.

Thankyou again

Mags1

Hi dirk, welcome to SR.
I too drank for many years but pleased to say that's behind me now. Enjoy your freedom from drink, it's exhilarating.
SR helps enormously.

trudgingagain

Hey Dirk...good for you for hanging in there! I always thought that no one (outside of my close family) knew I "drank too much". It wasn't until I got sober (the first time...1991) that I found out that REALLY, EVERYONE knew. In fact, my neighbors (who were very good friends of mine) told me that they had considered calling Child Protective Services (I had 2 young daughters at the time...and I was a single mom). Amazing how much denial I was in....day 26 (again)

dirk626

Thanks Trudgingagain!! Congratulations on day 26! I posted a couple of days ago on another's thread how much time I had sober before this quit. I just came off of 21 days to a big binder. Before that I went 16-20 days earlier in the year. I of course had a week here or a week there once or twice a year, but I have to go back to 1995 to get over 26. I went a little over 30 then. To get past 40 days I have to go back to 1991.

I have thought a little bit about what you write, because I think that my nuclear family has been pretty good about keeping "my" (our) little secret. Of course the convenience store and grocery clerks that ring up my alcohol purchases know. The garbage man must know, based on the number of beer cans and bottles in the recycle bin. Anyone who sees those bins on the curb each week know..., the neighbors, anyone that has seen me drink, and so on.

trudgingagain

So true about the neighborhood stores...lol....Had to "change 'em up" so it didn't "look so bad"....How stupid is THAT???!!! The weird thing is, I was marking days on my calendar this time (since I am not doing AA here) and actually forgot to mark them since Monday. Imagine my surprise when I marked them today and realized I had made it to day 26! Never thought about the garbage man...hmmmmm......

dirk626

I slept a full 9 hours last night and felt absolutely fantastic this morning! Finally, the withdrawals seem to be behind me. Day 8! Other than a few mild urges things outside of the fatigue have gone very well. I attribute most of that to this website and those of you that have been encouraging me along the way. I again thank you!

During my last sober stretch I noticed a change in the dynamic or mood within my house. Over the last eight days this observation has been reinforced. It started about day 3. Everyone in the house seems happier. More smiles, more joking around, my daughter spends less time in her room and more time out in the common areas of the house. She asked me to help her with homework the other night. Today I was teasing my wife about something and she started laughing...she kept laughing and was looking at me with a shine in her eyes. God, I forgot what a great laugh she has!

(Had to take a break there for a moment)
I was thinking about time. I calculated the amount of time I have spent drinking/drunk (I don't drink and not get drunk) just over the last 10 years. I almost fell off of my chair. It made me feel sick to my stomach! But the past is gone... So I then looked at how much time I would spend drunk over the rest of my life if I continue as is, and live to life expectancy. (I know that wouldn't be likely, but I had to use a number.) Not trying to calculate lost time to hangovers, over the next 30 years I will lose approximately 7 of those years to being drunk. That's the accumulation of time spent drunk during normal waking hours. The 7 years is 24/7 by 365. What can I accomplish over the course of 7 years? Yeah, I'm not going back. No way...no how!!

I volunteered to work this weekend so I'm going to be off the grid until tomorrow evening. I thought working would help me get through what is normally a very heavy drinking time for me. But, so far it probably wasn't necessary.

One last thing for today. I want to thank those with long term sobriety for posting. There are a lot of people struggling and relapsing, and that scares the hell out of me. When I doubt whether or not I will ultimately be successful I inevitably come across someone who is. I then say to myself, "It is done, people do stay sober, and you will do it as well."

See you tomorrow. All my new friends that are wrapping up their first week or in the middle of it... keep kicking ass!!

trudgingagain

What an inspiring post, Dirk! Good for you! Have a great weekend

dirk626

Ok. Day 9 is just about in the books. I sensed "it" sniffing around in the shadows this morning when driving home from a work trip out of town. I pictured the monster off in the unharvested corn fields (not many left this fall) watching me as I drove by. "It" was probing, lurking, waiting for an opening. As soon as I sensed "it", I pictured "it" there in the field; said FU and then saw "it" fading back into the field. Then "it" was gone.

I've been thinking about a couple of things that I would like your thoughts on. Do you think that people can become addicted to relapse? I ask because getting sober feels pretty good. It feels good to beat the withdrawals and to get your head clear. Once feeling good becomes normal and it doesn't feel good anymore do you think some drink again so they can repeat the cycle? I mean it sounds crazy to me but that way you get two for the price of one.

Second question is really two. I don't want to count days forever. At what point did those of you that have been sober long term just start living agian? Since I'm feeling pretty good I have been having thoughts of changing a lot of other things in my life. How long did you focus on just not drinking before you opened the door to start making other changes? I don't want to try and take on too much too early. Thanks in advance for your insight.

beancounter26

Great thoughts Dirk! I can't wait til some of the "old timers" answer because I am curious about that stuff too. Tomorrow will officially tie the longest I have quit drinking. Can't wait until Tuesday when every day thereafter will be a new record.

dirk626

Outstanding Beancounter!!!!! That's fantastic work on your part! I've noticed that the really vivid crazy dreaming has died off. I have become more emotional that last few days. I don't breakdown or anything, but I am moved more by sights, sounds, thoughts, situations etc. Both positive and negative. I also have become flooded with memories that I have not thought about in a long time. Some never. Things as obscure and distant as how the red velvet cake smelled on my 8th birthday. Of course there are the old reliables. All of the significant times I was wronged or hurt. Those aren't as strong as I might have thought. The strong ones come when I think about how I treated others. I realize now that how I treat others has a much stronger impact on me than how others treat me. It has been a long time since my brain chemistry wasn't all wacked out by large quantities of alcohol. I guess I should expect some interesting things to be happening for a while.

I'm very happy for your success beancounter!

beancounter26

Dirk, so funny you mentioned emotions being out if whack. Two days ago my 15 year-old daughter was playing me her new favorite song by one of those boy bands. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she played the song on her phone called " The Story of my Life" (don't know who it's by), I literally almost broke down. I had to leave the room to assess whether I was losing my mind or not. I had no idea where that came from. Sure, the song is beautiful, but WOW...that was unexpected. Crying over a song is something I haven't done in years. This sobriety thing has been an amazingly interesting ride so far! Congrats on day 10...double digits!!!

Mags1

Hi Dirk welcome to SR and congratulations on Day 3 well done. Keep visiting SR you can do it.

trudgingagain

Hi Dirk, I think, for me, that is one reason I am not doing AA this time...counting days. When I had 8 years, then 3, then 4 and relapsed each time, I felt so defeated and (almost) embarrassed to go "back" to the "rooms". Of course I was welcomed with open arms, but it just never felt "right". Kinda felt like I was known as the "chronic relapse". I do know, that I stopped counting days probably after the first year...cuz that's when "they" did...then it was just counting "birthdays". As for being addicted to relapse...for me, that is not the case. I can't precisely identify each time I took the first drink after being sober....but, I just REALLY WANTED to be able to drink like normal people....that, I know, is what took me "out" each time. I think this time is different. I am older, and I have already relapsed 3 times....so I NOW KNOW that I cannot drink normally.....day 28 (again).

bd63

Hi Dirk!

I am on day one and need to focus on staying sober for 24 hours. I have been through this many times. I'm glad that you're focused on staying sober.

dirk626

Hi BD63! Thanks for saying hello. I'm going to keep running my days up, why don't you give chase! I'd appreciate if you would stop in to this thread each day and tell us how it's going. There's a few new comers following along and sharing and I know that it's helping me...maybe it will help you as well.

dirk626

Thanks for the insight. I'm an experienced drunk, but out of practice at being sober. I'm sure you were much harder on yourself when you relapsed than the others in your groups. (I've never been to AA, so I don't know if that's what they're called or not.) I've decided, maybe naively, that I need to fix the way I think about drinking to move forward permanently. Drinking normally is not something I want to do.

My only real frame of reference is cigarette smoking. I tried many times to quit but couldn't. Once I decided that last time to quit, it took. I know some former smokers that tell me they crave a cigarette to this day. I haven't for years. That doesn't mean that if I catch a whiff of smoke under the right conditions I don't think it smells good. Sometimes I do. But, I don't want a cigarette and wouldn't take one if offered.

I'm counting on this being the same kind of thing.

trudgingagain

Well, Dirk...good for you that you quit smoking! I still smoke...one vice at a time, for me. It seems like you have a good attitude towards drinking. I am not going to AA this time....trying AVRT and these forums....seems to be working....I live far from any AA meetings, and I agree with you in terms of changing your thinking about drinking. Funny, my husband drinks (in fact last night he was a bit drunk...but in 15 years I think I have only seen him drunk 2 maybe 3 times). I had no desire to drink at all last night. It really felt great