Lost3000

Paul, hope you are doing well. I've somewhat been following your posts. I also view you undergoing a see-saw routine. I have suggested this before, and really feel it'll help you. You can click on your name, then see statistics, then click on all posts by you. Start back a ways, then read all of your posts. I believe it will give you an entirely different perspective. I know it did for me. Especially when I read my journal entries from the time I was drinking and the time I wasn't. Anyway, good luck on your endeavors.

wheresthefun

Sorry Paul, it was no "jab", I was simply using an analogy, to say that by choosing (yes, you made a conscious decision) to post a thread in a public forum, you then should be willing to at least consider what others say to you. After all, they/I took the time to read your entire thread (I read your other long one also), and gave thought to what you and all your respondents have posted. Just seems like common courtesy to me.

Now, if you truly just want to "journal", perhaps writing a blog (on the menu bar above) would be more appropriate for that.

For the record, I do not feel my original post on this thread broke any of your requests:

I only made a suggestion, albeit with a bit of a colorful analogy, based on my interpretations of your replies to the many responses you had received.

pauladmits

Rough two days. Not sure exactly how to proceed. One part of me just does not like the negative attention I'm getting. Especially from the person that told me that people are sick of me. I have one thread and I stick to it. I do not go elsewhere and annoy other people or make multiple threads, this is just something that helps me out. The only thing that concerns me is if my problems are in fact harming others. I'm not advocating drinking. I'm not drinking because it's part of my plan. I'm drinking because I have a problem and I come here because of that problem. It has nothing to do with trying to ruin other peoples attempts at sobriety. And the other part of me says screw it, this helps me out as a person and I have found many people here that have been incredibly helpful and supportive. I will say there are many more supportive people than not.

And I honestly do not have an opinion on any method.There is nothing wrong with AA, counseling, AVRT, SMART, etc, etc. I have absolutely no negative opinion on those. I have read so many articles given to me here. Which is why it bewilders me when people say I dismiss everything being said. I read a lot and I have studied alcoholism a lot. My problem is purely about making a decision, I don't know if I enjoy the competition with myself, or if I just don't want to submit myself to any program yet. It's just a pure raw stubbornness. The common theme with every method is acceptance of change. This does not mean I'm disagreeing with anyone on this site. I'm just being honest about my feelings. I want to try this myself. And as much as people say it's not working, I honestly feel much different... which I guess is the only thing that matters.

I'm here because I realize I have a problem and I'm trying to fix that problem. I personally feel being here is making me better off, so if what I post is not allowed on this site, moderators please let me know and I will refrain, otherwise I will continue to post my journal and continue to be as truthful as possible. And I thank you guys again that have been so helpful this entire time. Every morning I wake up, read my PMs and other posts... and the support I get really makes the day and my positive attitude towards not drinking a million times easier. Just to know I'm not alone makes a world of a difference. It is very helpful and being here makes me think every single day about my goals in life, about how bad alcohol has been to me, about how much I don't need alcohol today, and about how other people have been through what I'm going through and it is possible to choose not to drink today.

Anyways, thanks again!

Dee74

Why not try not drinking because you have a problem Paul?

If you're really having difficulty making a decision about what to do, why not give sobriety a chance - period a target - 30 60 90 days - that way you can make an better informed decision about which way of life is best for you.

Yes, it will be hard not to drink, but it's nothing that the rest of us haven't faced

Each and everyone of us has stood on that metaphorical cliff and wondered what our lives would be like if we jumped off...everyone of us has been scared to death about change.

None of us would recommend the leap if we didn't think our own lives have been enriched, and that yours will be too.

As for forum moderation - to this point neither Anna or I have had to remove a single post here (yours or anyone elses) for rule violation.

I think that's a glowing testament to everyone involved and I see no reason why that should not continue

No need to make this thread about other people Paul - this thread is about you, after all

D

HitRockBottom70

Paul,
I am glad you are back and working toward fixing your problem. Remember we are all just writing this stuff and sometimes things come across in a way people do not intend. Also we are all recovering...we have bad days and get moody. Sometimes we take it out on someone else, it is not right, but we do it. And yes, reading certain posts make me question whether I really do need to stay sober or not...if moderation may be possible for me. Your posts certainly do not do this to me. I see a young man trying to find his way toward a bright future, stuck. I wish there was some way for me to pull you. I know many of us do. People are throwing you lines to grab onto, but sometimes you see them as whips. This probably is in large part due to the last two threads and I understand. But to move forward here, maybe a change in outlook is needed. I know for certain your outlook changed for the better when you were sober and working toward a month without alcohol. Just a thought, but what about trying it again?

Lost3000

"I'm drinking because I have a problem" --- I agree with what Dee said.

I firmly believe that we have problems because we are drinking, not the other way around.

Zee

I was going to start my own thread about recovery methods but I'll put this here instead if you don't mind. I am very very very fickle. I don't think I could 100% stick to ANY recovery method. I just take bits and pieces of information from everywhere which I find help me. I am definately not religious nor am I spiritual (I should have had an epiphany last year when I was very ill, but I didn't... when I was lying in hospital, I cried once... that was because I missed my dog... a CHIHUAHUA!!! )... All I knew then, and all I know now, is that I cannot drink. There, decision made, easy! Keeping up sobriety is harder, because, as you know... its sociably acceptable... and everyone does it. This is where I dabble in different recovery methods... all of them make sense in their own way. I just don't take a particular one as my chosen path. I find that knowledge is the key. Get knowledge, it is very powerful. Being here on SR is fantastic for me because I get to read about everything. The one thing I know is that I have to stick to sobriety 100% whichever way I can... I'm gonna keep reading your thread... I hope you can get sober... we all do right? x

wellwisher

I think it is helpful that you posted what you define support to be.

We here at SR want to see you succeed. Speaking for myself, my sobriety is not contingent on whether you succeed or don't succeed, so I don't have a horse in your race.

I'm a cheerleader, of sorts, to your playing the game on the field. Your "team" consists of cheerleaders, coaches formulating plays, fans watching from the sidelines, etc. When the team sees you making the touchdown, everyone is on their feet and screaming "yeah, yeah, yeah! It is easy to scream support. They are also witness to your frustration when it isn't going so well, and when they have suggestions, they get dirt kicked in their face while you accuse them of negativity and that it is not helping you. Other players start getting body-checked, the fans start to disengage, and the coaches throw their hats down and walk off the field.

I suppose you can play football without the coaches and the fans, but it just isn't the same. All that's left is the cheerleaders and you.

You've acknowledged that you have a drinking problem. Time to move past that recognition and do it. Next play. You're the player. Doesn't matter what the cheerleaders are doing. They offer encouragement, support. The coaches give the benefit of their experiences in what worked for them. It is all offered with good wishes for your success and with the best of intention. However, they don't advance the ball. You do.

I can cheer you on all I want, but I can't make you sober.

EternalQ

It is admirable that you keep trying, Paul.

Especially since the situation is tricky, in that: you have said you do not want to tell your family how bad it is, and that you're quitting, and yet, you live with your family and (from what you've written) it sounds like your family buys liquor daily and drinks every night.

This presents quite a challenge for you. When they bring out beer or wine or whatever next time, what is your plan to not drink it?

If you rehearse a plan in your head for that moment, do you think you could respond differently next time, and not take the first drink?

pauladmits

Uh oh!! Reality just knocked on my door today. An old boss of mine called me up out of the blue and said he knew of a job that they needed to fill immediately. I went to interview, showed them my work, got the job on the spot and started Monday!! This isn't contracting work where I get to work at home, it's an official 8-5 office job. One thing I don't mess around with is work, if I can't stop drinking now, then there will be a serious serious problem that I have to address.

I know this is one of those post hoc ergo propter hoc things, but I thank God that I was sober the past couple days and able to be a professional at a meeting and not completely hungover from the night before.

Anyways, I really hope this is that extreme kick in the butt that gets me over that next step of this process. Hopefully the work will be as fun as it sounds and that will consume my life instead of the constant battles with alcohol.

And I'm about to go watch the South Carolina Gamecocks whip up on the Commodores. Life is good today! Hopefully nothing sets this back and I pass all my background checks and get this signed and official. I never like getting my hopes up too much with out anything being official!! Thanks again to all your support. This is perfect timing, I could have never even attempted to work an office job before I came to this site!!

Someguy23

First of all, congrats on the new job. I know that professional stagnation and inactivity were a big part of why I went from party-hardy drinking to alcoholic drinking, and an upturn in fortune was what prompted me to seek recovery, so I'm certain this will help you.

I don't have enough experience to give advice, but if you don't mind I'll offer you an opinion.

You say you prefer action and positive thinking. There's nothing wrong with that, but optimal results always come from finding the right balance between action and reflection. Furthermore, don't underestimate the utility of negative thinking.

I understand you played american football. I never played it, don't have the build for it, but I did competitive swimming when I was younger. One thing I needed to do to become a good swimmer was accept that some things I was good at, or could become good at with training, but others I would never be anything but mediocre at no matter how hard I trained.

Likewise accepting there are limits in what you can and can't do with respect to alcohol and still expect recovery, and figuring out what those limits are, might help you along a lot.

In any case, best of luck to you.

DayTrader

Congrats on the job!

.......stay sober and you'll probably get to keep it.

Pondlady

Congratulations Paul! The structure of an office job might be helpful to you.

Dee74

congratulations on your job Paul

D

faceitandfixit

Congrats on the job Paul! I really hope this will be a breakthrough for you. I do believe in miracles, and that sometimes our Higher Power (or the Universe) intervenes on our behalf...seize the moment!

scat143

How about a blog and not on a forum?

pauladmits

Thank you very much Lori, someguy, Dee, Pondlady, and faceit!! I appreciate the support. Hopefully this will be that next step to put me in a life of meaning rather than soaked up in alcohol and wasting it!! I would not be at this point if I never made it here and met you guys. Thanks again!!

suki44883

Congrats and Good Luck on the new job, Paul!

FBL

Congrats on the new job!

Larnie

I never understood this until I quit drinking (not quite 5 months, want to be honest about still finding my way). This was my biggest aha moment when I quit - there were still problems...they exist everywhere, but they didn't become PROBLEMS like they did when I was drinking. I thought I was drinking because of my problems...and then I realized my drinking was the real problem.

I understand about the AA thing Paul - I think it's a wonderful organization that has helped so many. I also don't think it's the only route. I know it isn't because I've read the statistics. I was "lucky" and was required to go to group. I really do feel like I was lucky because I wouldn't have done it on my own - even though I had considered it - and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I needed the people there, including the counselor, to guide me through this and to motivate me to make changes.

Life isn't roses, and lately I've felt very emotional due to a relationship that I ended and complications from a surgery, but this rollercoaster of emotions is SO much better than any one I was ever on when I was drinking. This time I give myself permission to take care of myself instead of add to the lows with alcohol (why did I ever think drinking a depressant was a good idea when I was depressed??).

My wish for you is that you find what you need, and that you get to that point where you realize that handling life is so much easier when you aren't constantly feeling bad/guilty because you return to the thing you want out of your life.