pauladmits

Alright, just to start off, my name is Paul, I'm definitely an alcoholic. I've been battling alcoholism for 3 years now. I first admitted I was an alcoholic 3 months ago on this site when it felt I had reached rock bottom. I had lost my home, my friends, my job, my money, and basically my life. I spent all day in my room working and drinking. I ended up going to the hospital one day with an irregular heart beat. The doctor ended up saying there was nothing wrong with any of the tests or xrays but it might have been caused by dehydration... and attributed it to "Holiday Heart". That was when I finally acknowledged that I was indeed driven by alcohol and I was not in control no matter how hard I tried to convince myself.

I'm not really a binge drinker and I don't go on "binges". I put that in quotes because I'm not sure the correct definition of it. I tend to view binging as multiple days of drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I'm more of the controlled, slow, and steady functional alcoholic. I do have a problem with alcohol in the house, so we typically just buy enough for the night. Usually it's two bottles of wine between two of us that we'll drink from maybe 5:30 to 10. Before I used to drink a pint or half a pint of vodka every day along with the wine. I hadn't done that in over 2 months until this week. This is why I am here today, is because I have enough momentum on the positive side of life that I do not want that to change. I do not want to go back in to that life of seclusion and depression.

I'm not here completely broken like I was the last time. I just want to engage in conversations with people again and just get back on track. I ask politely that you refrain from any type of authoritarian type posts telling me I need help or go to the doctor, or how bad alcoholism is. I'm not here to be lectured on alcoholism or how bad of a person I am. This site did wonders for me the last time and gave me a real reason to continue to fight the fight day in day out. I'm not making any promises, all I can tell you is I do not want to drink today... and that's about as far as I'll go. And by today I mean everyday I wake up.

I had so much help last time it was absolutely amazing. I thank everyone again for helping me through the hardest time of my life. I know it was up and down and rocky, but it honestly changed a mans life for the better. I need to contact some of my old friends here that really went out of their way to help me. I feel like I have let them down after they did so much for me. I kind of just went in to hiding and told myself I would come back "tomorrow". So I apologize to you out there that I left hanging because of my ignorance.

Anyways, today seems like a good day to not drink!! Let's keep living life and fighting this one second at a time!!

New Record: 0-0

candi7

You got that right! Today is always a good day to start! Best Wishes!

MrsKing

Best of luck to you, Paul.

2granddaughters

What are you planning on changing in your approach to recovery?

If you get a viable recovery program that works for you I will support you all I can.

If it's rehashing what got you here I don't think it will work and can't support you. I will wish you well and say a prayer.

All the best.

Bob R

EternalQ

I hope your plan works out for you, Paul. Take care.

Anna

Paul, I don't think you let anyone down. We really understand how hard this is.

And, today is a good day to begin your sober journey.

I know how happy you were and how good you felt when you stopped drinking before, and I know you can get that back and build on it.

pauladmits

Thanks Bob, but I don't think I'll be getting your support. My plan is to do exactly what I did last time, just without the tapering at the beginning. Just focus one day at a time, continue to try to live life to the fullest and not be consumed by alcohol, and to be an active member on this site so I can hold myself accountable.

NoFireWater

Paul, everyone has there own way to do this, just do whatever seems to fit best for you. I'm in the same camp, doing it on my own, with lots of time logged onto SR. So far, so good. Sometimes one day at a time seems unattainable, so then it's 5 minutes at a time or whatever works for that moment. Baby steps away from the menace that can take over a life before you realize what's happened. We'll be rooting for you

pauladmits

Thank you Anna! I just want to say not all was lost. I'm not "starting over", just kind of getting back on track. I just don't want it to go any further and need to stop that "tomorrow" cycle and get back to today!! Thank you again for always being there and always being supportive!!

pauladmits

Thank you, it's amazing how quickly tomorrow became a month. Then a month becomes a year, and so on. I realize this time around that I can not leave this place. It is essential for me to be honest and make sure that I am actively trying to live a better life rather than hiding from the world and myself just slowly dying a miserable death!

Auvers

Hope you find your way to a life that is as full and rewarding as you want.

Pondlady

Welcome back Paul! I believe you can put your energy to work on fighting this disease......today

Fandy

i did pretty much the same Paul.....I'm 14 months sober....

if I had been badgered continually about attending meetings/joining programs when i first stopped drinking I would have never participated in this site.

at that time when I joined people were supportive and helped me, especially in the gratitude section...still one of my favorite places on this site.

changer

paul!! i am so glad you are back- was just thinking of you today
i'm excited to see you begin this journey, and glad to have you back on SR.
we are here to support ya!
hil

bjames

Best of luck! One day at a time..

pauladmits

Thank you Hil! It means a lot. I want to be here for good. I realize life was much better for mentally when I was here than when I wasn't. Thanks for the support!

pauladmits

Thanks Fandy, I completely agree. Even after specifically stating I had no intentions of going to AA, I got PM's and multiple posts saying go to AA or go get help. Now I understand they are just trying to help out and all so it's not a problem. And I have absolutely nothing wrong with AA or ever considering going there. I'm just not at that point where I want to go.

But it does get a little aggravating to get post after post telling me I need to go to the doctor or get help immediately. I just want to come here and share my thoughts and feelings, describe the battle that is going on in my head, listen to replies and others share their similar stories and just deal with this on my own. I know this comment will fetch some people telling me that I failed, and tried it my way so I should do something else. But I personally don't feel like I failed. I actually feel pretty good about my life right now and just don't want to get caught in that trap again and I was feeling myself slowly getting drawn back in to it. But other than that, that month and a half that I was here was an absolute life changer!!

instant

Good luck Paul. I was really committed this time and am now approaching 16 months. The daily support thread, gratitude thread and surrender kept me focused.

I did the AVRT short course and read the Big Book.

The change is in your heart.

Fandy

You do what works for you. And use the ignore button.

Dee74

Like I said in another thread of yours Paul - people are taking time out to help you and are sharing their experience of what's worked for them.

It's best to see their responses in that light.

That being said, please do use your ignore button as you wish and feel free to pass on any PMs to me or Anna you might receive that you think might break our rules here.

me? I'll be honest and say I'm disappointed you're not looking beyond SR.

I think you're limiting yourself at the moment...and I wonder if, at some level, thats not a way to keep straddling the quit or not fence.

Nonetheless....you're an adult and you have the right to decide your own path and I wish you well with it.

I'll be around to help where and when I can

D