Moms (and Dads) Who Drink
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hello fellow moms! I've been sober (this time) for the past 8 months. I had two long periods of sobriety and this is my third (and FINAL!) time to get sober.
My drinking didn't get out of hand until I was a stay-at-home mom - up to that point it was a social thing or something my husband and I did together.
Being prone to depression already, the mom-at-home lifestyle added to that for me (I had two toddlers when I started drinking in the evenings. When it got to be an every-night kind of thing, I tried to stop but it was like giving up the one reward I had all to myself. Eventually, though, the alcohol made my depression much worse and I ended up in treatment.)
Fast forward through years of sobriety and a divorce. Now I had three children and was supporting myself by working at home (an as artist). But I had no social life. When I joined a local choral group, I rediscovered social drinking with my musician friends. Slowly but surely I ended up in the same boat as before - wanting that drink everyday.
I don't know why I'm going into all this detail (!!).... got carried away! I really just wanted to say that being a mom isn't an easy job (and being a single mom can be overwhelming sometimes). Everyone wants a piece of us. We deal with constant interruptions, neediness, disrespect, drama (especially having girls, lol), financial pressures, etc. etc. etc....... and on top of that, we feel guilty all the time!
We can't take "time off" from the job, and there's usually no one patting us on the back or giving us a Christmas bonus. I'm sure I could think of a hundred other reasons women might be susceptible to depression, anxiety and/or alcoholism. But now we're here and staying sober is our goal and we need to figure out how to reward ourselves in a whole new way.
It's good to think about these things with all you other moms out there. I'm looking forward to hearing how everyone is coping and maybe together we can come up with some new and positive things to do for ourselves......
My drinking didn't get out of hand until I was a stay-at-home mom - up to that point it was a social thing or something my husband and I did together.
Being prone to depression already, the mom-at-home lifestyle added to that for me (I had two toddlers when I started drinking in the evenings. When it got to be an every-night kind of thing, I tried to stop but it was like giving up the one reward I had all to myself. Eventually, though, the alcohol made my depression much worse and I ended up in treatment.)
Fast forward through years of sobriety and a divorce. Now I had three children and was supporting myself by working at home (an as artist). But I had no social life. When I joined a local choral group, I rediscovered social drinking with my musician friends. Slowly but surely I ended up in the same boat as before - wanting that drink everyday.
I don't know why I'm going into all this detail (!!).... got carried away! I really just wanted to say that being a mom isn't an easy job (and being a single mom can be overwhelming sometimes). Everyone wants a piece of us. We deal with constant interruptions, neediness, disrespect, drama (especially having girls, lol), financial pressures, etc. etc. etc....... and on top of that, we feel guilty all the time!
We can't take "time off" from the job, and there's usually no one patting us on the back or giving us a Christmas bonus. I'm sure I could think of a hundred other reasons women might be susceptible to depression, anxiety and/or alcoholism. But now we're here and staying sober is our goal and we need to figure out how to reward ourselves in a whole new way.
It's good to think about these things with all you other moms out there. I'm looking forward to hearing how everyone is coping and maybe together we can come up with some new and positive things to do for ourselves......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
You know what I love about being older, being sober and being in recovery. I get to stop worrying about what people expect me to be. I am taking care of the responsibilities i consider important. I get to be eccentric(sp) and get away with it because I'm not a drunk anymore. I get to be myself. I am learning who that is everyday.
Who else feels this way?
SH
Who else feels this way?
SH
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 811
One of my 14 year old twin daughters was in an honors english class at school. The semester had ended so they need to clean up their papers, get new binders, etc. I was leafing through her papers and came upon something that must have been journaling for the class. There wasn't a grade on it so I don't know if it is something the teacher read. But it appears they had to write about three subjects: Funny, Unforgettable and Serious. This is what the serious part said:
My mom always seemed like the kind of person that had everything under control. I always looked up to her and respected her. One night she got drunk because she had a little too much wine. We all thought it was funny because we had never seen her like that. But she started to get drunk alot. Soon it turned into every night. My mom had developed a drinking problem. My dad talked to her and she started to cry. She called us all into her room and promised to us that she would stop. It got better until one day when my older sister went out to the car to get the groceries. In the back of the car there was two empty bottles of wine. It hadn't gotten better, she had just not gotten as drunk and had been hiding it from all of us
'Nuff said
My mom always seemed like the kind of person that had everything under control. I always looked up to her and respected her. One night she got drunk because she had a little too much wine. We all thought it was funny because we had never seen her like that. But she started to get drunk alot. Soon it turned into every night. My mom had developed a drinking problem. My dad talked to her and she started to cry. She called us all into her room and promised to us that she would stop. It got better until one day when my older sister went out to the car to get the groceries. In the back of the car there was two empty bottles of wine. It hadn't gotten better, she had just not gotten as drunk and had been hiding it from all of us
'Nuff said
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
I never really thought about that before...in a way, I was drinking to get some space from clingy kids. A book I read said that if you don't want to be where you are but you can't leave, you drink to absent yourself. My kids are really active and young and someone is always spilling something or shrieking about something or getting hurt. I only have 2 kids, but it feels like 17 some nights. Maybe if I did engage, they would relax...I have only been sober a short time, it is all so new. Craziest of all, I want another kid!!! I am trying to talk myself out of it...surely a new baby would not help my sobriety. This is a rambling post...thanks for listening. I do adore my kids...they are everything, and maybe that's what is hard...I want to do it all, do it right, stay perfect and calm...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 811
I know its hard...that is when I started drinking, when the kids were little and I just needed a break from the chaos. I have 4 kids...and it progressed. To date I am doing okay. I still drink beer, but no wine, that always did me in...I know its not an excuse and I guess I wouldn't be here if I didn't feel the need, but I work part time now, and sometimes I just hate coming home and knowing I have to deal with homework, teenage girl issues, dinner, laundry, clean up. I also started smoking cigarettes for some stupid reason and even though my son just did a poster for school on how bad smoking is....I haven't stopped. The power of addiction is so strong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 29
This thread is one I keep reading over and over. It makes me feel better to know I am not alone in this struggle, and I feel like less of a bad mom realizing that this is a disease and not just me not caring. I am on day 10 and dealing with a migraine today. ugh I didn't do much of anything when the kids went back to school today except lay down and try to take care of myself. Trying not to feel guilty about letting myself do just that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Thanks for all the posts here, I can totally relate to so many of them. I'm trying hard to stop the nightly drinking, that I do to get over the boredom, to reward myself after a hard day of work, a hard evening with my 3yr old boy, to not feel so lonely and alone and single. Its so destructive.
It always starts with "I'll only have one"..yeah right!
But I'm going to AA now and after someone told me "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got".......I'm trying to do things differently. Asking for help, coming on here....it will all help I'm sure.
Us mums really do need to stick together, thanks to you all.
It always starts with "I'll only have one"..yeah right!
But I'm going to AA now and after someone told me "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got".......I'm trying to do things differently. Asking for help, coming on here....it will all help I'm sure.
Us mums really do need to stick together, thanks to you all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: London UK
Posts: 20
This is a great strong thread - long may it continue. Only on day 2 so not got much of any use to input - I look forward to that priviledge with more sober days under my belt. My kids arent toddlers anymore so there is a different type of "stress" that they can make me feel - I am fully aware though that none of it would probably stress me out hardly at all if I hadnt been drinking. My eldest is doing exams over the next few weeks so I expect she is feeling some stress - I just hope I can start to feel well enough soon to be able to help her through it by at least cooking decent meals - catching up with the washing etc
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Hey all, sorry, can't read all the posts this morning, but love the idea of this thread!
Lafemme: I laughed out loud at the "mommy juice"..that's absolutely what I called it! And a box of wine was the "single mommy juice box". Har har. Friggin sad, eh?
What I do to make sure I don't lose it with three kids on my own, is early bedtimes for them. Seven pm. I have three boys, 11, 8, and 4. If the oldest one can't sleep that early, he's free to read (something I'd prefer than video games) quietly in his bed until he's tired. As for the other two, they usually zonk out, as our day starts around 6am. However, this gives me "me time", without the contant bustle.
Maybe replace the wine with working out on the treadmill/elliptical at home? Infront of the tv? The endorphins from that will give you the same "ahhh" feeling as wine, plus we'll all get the benefit of a better bootie.
Stay safe today, fellow mommys! Just being on here means we're being better moms for our kids!
Lafemme: I laughed out loud at the "mommy juice"..that's absolutely what I called it! And a box of wine was the "single mommy juice box". Har har. Friggin sad, eh?
What I do to make sure I don't lose it with three kids on my own, is early bedtimes for them. Seven pm. I have three boys, 11, 8, and 4. If the oldest one can't sleep that early, he's free to read (something I'd prefer than video games) quietly in his bed until he's tired. As for the other two, they usually zonk out, as our day starts around 6am. However, this gives me "me time", without the contant bustle.
Maybe replace the wine with working out on the treadmill/elliptical at home? Infront of the tv? The endorphins from that will give you the same "ahhh" feeling as wine, plus we'll all get the benefit of a better bootie.
Stay safe today, fellow mommys! Just being on here means we're being better moms for our kids!
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I can appreciate the stress of mothering but honestly I don't attribute my alcoholism to that. I've always loved getting out of my head (even when it meant daydreaming for hours on end) and I've always been pretty selfish and quite lazy.
A lazy, selfish person who likes to escape... hmmmm.. now what is that the perfect recipe for??
I'm on the mend!
eta: part of it is that b/c I was drinking all the time I didn't get a chance to really mature. So I'll add 'immature' to my personality diagnosis
A lazy, selfish person who likes to escape... hmmmm.. now what is that the perfect recipe for??
I'm on the mend!
eta: part of it is that b/c I was drinking all the time I didn't get a chance to really mature. So I'll add 'immature' to my personality diagnosis
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
Congratulations, OklaBH!! Morning time...I can still drink strong coffee at least. I have had a head ache since I quit drinking 13 days ago, but today I don't have a headache. I really miss wine. It makes me ashamed to admit this, but it's true.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
Drunk Mommies
Hi all and MJ:
I'm a mom, too, of two teenage boys. They are the best kids a woman could want. I'm 44 years old.
I'm going to take a slightly different route here, if I may. I'm currently in AA, and right now, I'm working on Step 4 - taking the inventory. It's really stopped me cold in my tracks. Let me tell you why.
I have a childhood story that stuns a lot of folks (I'm sure many of you do). I've worked with a shrink, on and off for 18 years, regarding those issues. I won't list it all, for we will be here all day.
I've been diagnosed with chronic PTSD, chronic anxiety and chronic panic. I am also working on a thyroid issue.
I had a very tumultuous 15 year marriage. Three weeks after I was in a terrible car accident, the divorce hit. I spent the first year of the divorce process in physical therapy, and adjusting to the life of a single mom, etc., etc., etc.
My point is, lots and lots of stress, right?
Going back to getting stuck on Step Four and taking my inventory, the reason I got hung up is because it seems rather senseless to me to go back through and list all those perceived 'grievances' in my life. I mean, I've got more reasons to drink than I could possibly list in a day. So, I started thinking about it a little differently.
My drinking did not get out of control until after my divorce. For most of my life, I've been able to control it. Yeah, I went a little nutty in college. But I got married, had kids, and drinking was never an issue. Seriously. I'd tell you if it was.
I came to understand that my alcohol use became uncontrollable, not because of any one stress in my life, but because I am an alcoholic and did not know it. It is woven into the fabric of my being. It was only a matter of time... for me.
One of the things I've noticed in AA is not so much our patterns, our lies, etc., (and they are there), but the same personality traits. Excessive thinking, anxiety, escapism, repressed anger and resentment, perfectionism, self-centeredness (that feels like selflessness), a tendency to take on the world's problems as our own, and an extreme sensitivity to the vagaries of life. There's probably more, but, you get the drift.
I looked back on my life, and I saw all those things in me, even as a small child. I felt different, I felt isolated. I used all those things I listed above to survive a very tumultuous childhood. I've used those things to succeed as an adult. I used those things about me to kick my drinking to an uncontrollable level.
The make-up of my personality, it seems to me, is the issue here. It's why I'm an alcoholic, and I can see it in myself YEARS before I ever had my first drink.
Right now, I could throw myself into a job to keep my mind off drinking (become a workaholic), I could eat instead of drink (become a foodaholic), etc., etc. etc. Those things are far less damaging to the world, yes, I know. But still, to me, it's just another form of 'excessive' and 'escapism.' Damn.
Right now, I'm intellectualizing the hell out of all of this. Another trait. And that is exactly why I am stuck at step four. It's me. It isn't any one thing, place, person or event, or even the combination of such things that has landed me exactly where I am right now. It's me. I can't even begin to tell you all how terrifying that is, how cunning my personality has become.
Right now, this is where I am focusing my efforts. Observing myself, with as much awareness as I can. The 'why's' of it are no longer of greatest concern to me. I am who I am. But until I really get to know... this person I am... I'm just going to be another person who survives and escapes life, instead of truly living it.
I in no way mean to imply that anyone else would do well to do the same, to be judgmental, etc. Everyone finds what works best for them. Keep at it, ya'll!!
I'm a mom, too, of two teenage boys. They are the best kids a woman could want. I'm 44 years old.
I'm going to take a slightly different route here, if I may. I'm currently in AA, and right now, I'm working on Step 4 - taking the inventory. It's really stopped me cold in my tracks. Let me tell you why.
I have a childhood story that stuns a lot of folks (I'm sure many of you do). I've worked with a shrink, on and off for 18 years, regarding those issues. I won't list it all, for we will be here all day.
I've been diagnosed with chronic PTSD, chronic anxiety and chronic panic. I am also working on a thyroid issue.
I had a very tumultuous 15 year marriage. Three weeks after I was in a terrible car accident, the divorce hit. I spent the first year of the divorce process in physical therapy, and adjusting to the life of a single mom, etc., etc., etc.
My point is, lots and lots of stress, right?
Going back to getting stuck on Step Four and taking my inventory, the reason I got hung up is because it seems rather senseless to me to go back through and list all those perceived 'grievances' in my life. I mean, I've got more reasons to drink than I could possibly list in a day. So, I started thinking about it a little differently.
My drinking did not get out of control until after my divorce. For most of my life, I've been able to control it. Yeah, I went a little nutty in college. But I got married, had kids, and drinking was never an issue. Seriously. I'd tell you if it was.
I came to understand that my alcohol use became uncontrollable, not because of any one stress in my life, but because I am an alcoholic and did not know it. It is woven into the fabric of my being. It was only a matter of time... for me.
One of the things I've noticed in AA is not so much our patterns, our lies, etc., (and they are there), but the same personality traits. Excessive thinking, anxiety, escapism, repressed anger and resentment, perfectionism, self-centeredness (that feels like selflessness), a tendency to take on the world's problems as our own, and an extreme sensitivity to the vagaries of life. There's probably more, but, you get the drift.
I looked back on my life, and I saw all those things in me, even as a small child. I felt different, I felt isolated. I used all those things I listed above to survive a very tumultuous childhood. I've used those things to succeed as an adult. I used those things about me to kick my drinking to an uncontrollable level.
The make-up of my personality, it seems to me, is the issue here. It's why I'm an alcoholic, and I can see it in myself YEARS before I ever had my first drink.
Right now, I could throw myself into a job to keep my mind off drinking (become a workaholic), I could eat instead of drink (become a foodaholic), etc., etc. etc. Those things are far less damaging to the world, yes, I know. But still, to me, it's just another form of 'excessive' and 'escapism.' Damn.
Right now, I'm intellectualizing the hell out of all of this. Another trait. And that is exactly why I am stuck at step four. It's me. It isn't any one thing, place, person or event, or even the combination of such things that has landed me exactly where I am right now. It's me. I can't even begin to tell you all how terrifying that is, how cunning my personality has become.
Right now, this is where I am focusing my efforts. Observing myself, with as much awareness as I can. The 'why's' of it are no longer of greatest concern to me. I am who I am. But until I really get to know... this person I am... I'm just going to be another person who survives and escapes life, instead of truly living it.
I in no way mean to imply that anyone else would do well to do the same, to be judgmental, etc. Everyone finds what works best for them. Keep at it, ya'll!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 77
Wow corri, what a fantastic post, when did you crawl into my head??!!!
You have described my personality, my childhood feelings ( I was lucky to have no major traumas and am very sorry for whatever you went through) and my adult outlook perfectly.
Sometimes I struggle with the questions of why am I an alcoholic and somebody else is. I just try to accept that I am an alcoholic and just deal with it.
Looking at my personality I definitely use things to isolate myself from others. It used to be drink, now it's reading, or on the computer. My husband often gets annoyed with me, my nose is always stuck in a book or else I'm on the computer. My therapist once suggested my reading was a bit excessive (9 or 10 books a week) and the very thought of not reading was as bad as the thought of not drinking before I got sober.
It's a struggle isn't it. As a mother so many demands on us physically and emotionally. It's very draining for me and sometimes I would just like to hide away under the duvet to get a break from all of it!
Still, one day at a time. I will not be drinking tonight.
You have described my personality, my childhood feelings ( I was lucky to have no major traumas and am very sorry for whatever you went through) and my adult outlook perfectly.
Sometimes I struggle with the questions of why am I an alcoholic and somebody else is. I just try to accept that I am an alcoholic and just deal with it.
Looking at my personality I definitely use things to isolate myself from others. It used to be drink, now it's reading, or on the computer. My husband often gets annoyed with me, my nose is always stuck in a book or else I'm on the computer. My therapist once suggested my reading was a bit excessive (9 or 10 books a week) and the very thought of not reading was as bad as the thought of not drinking before I got sober.
It's a struggle isn't it. As a mother so many demands on us physically and emotionally. It's very draining for me and sometimes I would just like to hide away under the duvet to get a break from all of it!
Still, one day at a time. I will not be drinking tonight.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
Oh... and one more thing... if there is anyone here who has not yet gone to an AA meeting, please give it a chance. Trying to do the steps on your own, even if you have found this tremendous board, or great online live chats, in my humble opinion, just isn't enough. There is really something to the traditional method, the human interaction, the energy...
If you will notice, I joined this group in August of 2009. Never went to a meeting. It was another grueling, dark year before I found the most humble part of my being and found the courage to go. A distant acquaintance that I knew to be in AA went with me. I had been quite critical of her one time in my life (only in my head, I never said it out loud, but still). And she was the first person who dropped everything, immediately, reached out her hand and helped me.
I won't ever forget that.
If you will notice, I joined this group in August of 2009. Never went to a meeting. It was another grueling, dark year before I found the most humble part of my being and found the courage to go. A distant acquaintance that I knew to be in AA went with me. I had been quite critical of her one time in my life (only in my head, I never said it out loud, but still). And she was the first person who dropped everything, immediately, reached out her hand and helped me.
I won't ever forget that.
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