Moms (and Dads) Who Drink
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Yes, Stephanie, that's good advice.
When I stopped drinking, I really tried to listen to my body. I ate what I wanted and rested when I needed to. I really think that if you can begin to listen to what your body is telling you to do, it will help with your recovery.
When I stopped drinking, I really tried to listen to my body. I ate what I wanted and rested when I needed to. I really think that if you can begin to listen to what your body is telling you to do, it will help with your recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
I read LIT and decided to quit drinking last year (lasted about 10 days) and read Drinking, A Love Story years ago and told myself I would cut back, so I could always keep drinking...! (There is a new, sad book about Knapp's death...by her best friend, Gail Caldwell.).
I am having a bad day. MY husband's mom is a late-stage alcoholic. She won't quit, doesn't even try. It breaks his heart. So I think my quitting is making him really confused. He is trying to be supportive, but I think a part of him hates me for quitting when his mom can't. I think he feels like I am showing off. He is the kindest man in the world, and doesn't let himself feel things. I am trying to give this up, and let God or whoever take care of it, but I feel like there's got to be something I can do.
Thanks for listening.
I am having a bad day. MY husband's mom is a late-stage alcoholic. She won't quit, doesn't even try. It breaks his heart. So I think my quitting is making him really confused. He is trying to be supportive, but I think a part of him hates me for quitting when his mom can't. I think he feels like I am showing off. He is the kindest man in the world, and doesn't let himself feel things. I am trying to give this up, and let God or whoever take care of it, but I feel like there's got to be something I can do.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 4
hi every one. i sincerely say i relate to most of the moms postings here. I've been a stay at home mom for the past 2 years and this past years has been the worst for me. im ready to start enjoying my kids more than i've been doing' i feel so gulity i feel like such a bad failure as a mother. 2 days sober and counting. im glad i joined
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Ah, Maryjan, that is a sad situation for your husband with his mother. I doubt that he hates you for quiting, but his emotions are probably confused. Also, the fact that you are changing is likely to shake up your partner because the dynamics between the two of you will not be the same anymore. So, it's a difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 48
I don't have children (yet) but I hope you don't mind me reading this thread. I split from my ex-husband 4 years ago because I wanted children and he didn't. It was after we split that my drinking gradually increased to daily and now that I'm sober I feel that I wasted (literally?) four years where I could have got my act together financially to possibly make having a child viable. I'm turning 40 in April with no partner in sight and financially not viable for me to do it on my own. Being a parent sounds like hard work and all of you deserve medals! Congratulations on your sobriety too as I live alone so although I have different triggers for craving a drink, having to deal with externally driven factors (ie the active life of a child) cannot be easy!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 265
So I think my quitting is making him really confused. He is trying to be supportive, but I think a part of him hates me for quitting when his mom can't. I think he feels like I am showing off.
This may just be your perception. If I were in your situation, my alcoholic brain would try to reason with me that the kindest thing to do right now would be to drink to ease his confusion and not look like a show off or rub my success in...it would tell me I can always try again later after my husband has had time to grieve.
In reality, even if your husband does use you as a scapegoat during this confusing time, he would be just as likely to look at the drunk you and think, "Really? You too? It's bad enough I'm having to deal with the loss of one loved one because of alcohol, now I get to watch you kill yourself too"?
He is used to living in dysfunction, so it may be that he is uncomfortable with the idea of venturing into the unknown world of positive healthy living. Right now, you may not be able to win either way with him. He is used to being some kind of victim.
You cannot get drunk for him and you cannot get sober for him.
This may just be your perception. If I were in your situation, my alcoholic brain would try to reason with me that the kindest thing to do right now would be to drink to ease his confusion and not look like a show off or rub my success in...it would tell me I can always try again later after my husband has had time to grieve.
In reality, even if your husband does use you as a scapegoat during this confusing time, he would be just as likely to look at the drunk you and think, "Really? You too? It's bad enough I'm having to deal with the loss of one loved one because of alcohol, now I get to watch you kill yourself too"?
He is used to living in dysfunction, so it may be that he is uncomfortable with the idea of venturing into the unknown world of positive healthy living. Right now, you may not be able to win either way with him. He is used to being some kind of victim.
You cannot get drunk for him and you cannot get sober for him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
Hi Everyone. This is a great thread. I have two children 12 and 9. I can relate to so much that is written here. Things are getting better though. I am really a little in awe that I am doing it... I know I cannot stop drinking for them... but they are sure great motivation. I finally knew I had a probvlem when I saw it on their faces and I feel like I am finding my way with them. I am finally PART of my family again and I love it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
Nikkle, did you read my mind??? I was just thinking, "maybe I will tell him I won't quit now..." Like my drinking would help him somehow? Damn, you busted me. Lots for me to think about in your post. Thank you. Sober wives, unite! (And husbands!)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 6
Fellow bibliophile, it does get us through when nothing else will, I plan on using my lit habit for good not evil. I liked Caroline Knapp a lot, also Take The Long Way Home, and am currently re-reading the hard-boiled Mathew Scudder novels by Block, it helps somehow to have a struggling alky in the story. Thinking of you, that mil must be some inspiration to quit, at least...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
MJ
I have a similiar mother-in-law situation and for a long time she was the only worry I held on to because I visited with her everyday and I knew she was not being responsible. I tend to let God handle my worries about peopls' health as long as I know they are doing what is right for themselves as they age. She is addicted to pain medication and was slipping off the edge. About three months ago I asked God to take care of it for me because I had talked to her, the doctors and her son and become a loving and consistent presence in her life and there was no change.
Sure enough I spoke to her and she told me her meds had been discontinued and her doctor was putting her on a new pain management plan. Now she is on a real program with drugs that are non-narcotic that help her with the pain and allow her to function. No more woozy calls, trips to the emergency room, online shopping and less depression. Letting go of fear is freeing and very scary.
SH
I have a similiar mother-in-law situation and for a long time she was the only worry I held on to because I visited with her everyday and I knew she was not being responsible. I tend to let God handle my worries about peopls' health as long as I know they are doing what is right for themselves as they age. She is addicted to pain medication and was slipping off the edge. About three months ago I asked God to take care of it for me because I had talked to her, the doctors and her son and become a loving and consistent presence in her life and there was no change.
Sure enough I spoke to her and she told me her meds had been discontinued and her doctor was putting her on a new pain management plan. Now she is on a real program with drugs that are non-narcotic that help her with the pain and allow her to function. No more woozy calls, trips to the emergency room, online shopping and less depression. Letting go of fear is freeing and very scary.
SH
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
In the fall there was a great book thread. I believe Anna made a few suggestions back then, thanks for helping people heal again. I'm off to the library and I am glad because it seems my schedule has slowed down and I haven't had as much work to keep me occupied. It must be a sign I need a mind and body refresh. Or you all could just have warm thoughts so I could get outside and paint again. Happy Evening, Great Moms!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 73
Mom of four ~ three of which are in college. The fourth, a freshman in high school, and living at home. My relapses over this past year, which culminated in legal and financial consequences from an incident on November 10 (written about extensively in previous posts) have left my children, once again, on the fence. They're busy with their own lives, but so desperately want the comfoting assurance that "I AM DONE". As i write this, I am done. There's another drinking binge out there for me ~ this much I know, but I have no more recovery's. My bottom has been discovered and what's left for me is death. I know this.
This past Christmas my children communicated how much they need me in their lives. That was instrumental for me to hear as I had convinced myself that they'd be better off without me (how pathetic)
I have , so far, given two of my children (respectively) two of my medalians; the 24 hour and the two month. I told them to hang on to them and should I ever relapse, I'll request to have it returned, otherwise, rest assured in the knowledge that I am not only sober, but working a program ensuring that my sobriety is grounded on healthy living and dedication. My prayer was that this could serve as a kind of reminder for them that I'm "ok" and that they will trust I'll alert them should I relapse. This way they don't have to go to bed every night "wondering." I know it is difficult when they're so far away ~ one only two hours, but the other 1,000 and 2,000 miles away.
Someone ahead of me wrote about replenishing bottles etc., and the lying that goes with active use. This caused me to sit back for a moment and think about all of the effort I put into drinking <sigh> it was truly exhausting. The lying clearly contributed to the perpetual act of drinking. Those feelings one with a conscience has from lying are detrimental to productive living, therefore, the escape into oblivian ~ and the cyclic pattern continues.
While I only have three months sober, I already feel the relief, the weight lifted, from the way in which the decption of drinking gripped my entire being. Again, <sigh>
The blessing is prevelant and I can't imagine EVER returning to that madness once again.
Someone also wrote about the teenagers knowing (and yes, of course they do) but that the husband does not. Um,,'
if I had to place money on that one ~ I would say that, yes, absolutely, husband is fully aware. I write that from my own past experience. My ex appeared clueless to me. In retrospect, it became obvious that he was playing the role of the perverbial ostrich and the little worm simply did not care to "deal with it"
Anyhow, this is where this mom is at today; fully embracing 2011 with all of its challenges; no license, a sabatoged career, and minus thousands of dollars. But,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm alive as I write this and my children, all four of them
have me wholeheartedly
~d
This past Christmas my children communicated how much they need me in their lives. That was instrumental for me to hear as I had convinced myself that they'd be better off without me (how pathetic)
I have , so far, given two of my children (respectively) two of my medalians; the 24 hour and the two month. I told them to hang on to them and should I ever relapse, I'll request to have it returned, otherwise, rest assured in the knowledge that I am not only sober, but working a program ensuring that my sobriety is grounded on healthy living and dedication. My prayer was that this could serve as a kind of reminder for them that I'm "ok" and that they will trust I'll alert them should I relapse. This way they don't have to go to bed every night "wondering." I know it is difficult when they're so far away ~ one only two hours, but the other 1,000 and 2,000 miles away.
Someone ahead of me wrote about replenishing bottles etc., and the lying that goes with active use. This caused me to sit back for a moment and think about all of the effort I put into drinking <sigh> it was truly exhausting. The lying clearly contributed to the perpetual act of drinking. Those feelings one with a conscience has from lying are detrimental to productive living, therefore, the escape into oblivian ~ and the cyclic pattern continues.
While I only have three months sober, I already feel the relief, the weight lifted, from the way in which the decption of drinking gripped my entire being. Again, <sigh>
The blessing is prevelant and I can't imagine EVER returning to that madness once again.
Someone also wrote about the teenagers knowing (and yes, of course they do) but that the husband does not. Um,,'
if I had to place money on that one ~ I would say that, yes, absolutely, husband is fully aware. I write that from my own past experience. My ex appeared clueless to me. In retrospect, it became obvious that he was playing the role of the perverbial ostrich and the little worm simply did not care to "deal with it"
Anyhow, this is where this mom is at today; fully embracing 2011 with all of its challenges; no license, a sabatoged career, and minus thousands of dollars. But,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm alive as I write this and my children, all four of them
have me wholeheartedly
~d
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Guys!
I'm not a Mom so I haven't been keeping up with this thread...however, I read about this book while looking up something else today and thought I'd pass it on...The book is called "Mommy Doesn't Drinker Anymore" and it seems to touch on a lot of the themes y'all were discussing.
Rachael Brownell » Books
I'm not a Mom so I haven't been keeping up with this thread...however, I read about this book while looking up something else today and thought I'd pass it on...The book is called "Mommy Doesn't Drinker Anymore" and it seems to touch on a lot of the themes y'all were discussing.
Rachael Brownell » Books
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