Maryjan

Hi everyone,

I am hoping to connect with other moms who are trying to stay sober...and who have experience in staying sober. Something about wine at night always made me feel calmer, rewarded for a hard day, even "adult," after spending a day with my kids. My wine glass next to their milk glasses was like a sign that I had made it, and would have some "me time.". I also loved drinking with my husband...I felt like it was a way we reconnected at day's end.

Well, I can't drink wine anymore. I know that in my heart, and I have been sober thanks to SR for 12 days. I plan to go to AA and work the program.

But how can I replace the way wine made me feel, at the start of the night? Any advice on how to replace my ritual? I spend most days and nights at home...and I am scared of my habits.

Would love other parents' stories--we can do this together. All the moms I know drink...but they aren't alcoholics. Like me.

coffeenut

Hi Mary....first of all, a HUGE congrats for 12 sober days! I so wish I would have gotten sober when my kids were small. Can't go back, of course...but I love to see it when people like you get control of yourselves before I did.

You may think all the moms you know aren't alcoholic, but I'd bet more of them are than you know. Alcoholics hide things extremely well...

Welcome to SR. Keep reading and posting!

ninja7

Hi, Maryjan!

I think at first you may replace your ritual with SR. I actually have done that for long time. Then you can get many hints to fill your spare time here. I actually have found new hobby. The board game "go" is good one to fill my night time.

LaFemme

Hi and congrats on 12 days!

I don't have kids but I know about the ritual of the drink at the end of the day...I will be honest...that was one of the hardest things I had to get over. Gradually I have found other rituals to replace the evening wine. One thing that helped for me was to work on changing the way I viewed wine...instead of seeing it as a grown up beverage I now look at it as poison.

PS...I live in the burbs and most of my friends are stay at home moms...a lot of them have problems with their "mommy juice".

Nikkle

Congratulations on your sober time!
I was just thinking the same thing today! Connecting with other parents who want to stay sober. Maybe a new category on the forum? Share in mutual experience. Thanks for mentioning it-Sign me up!

SSIL75

The balance in my day has shifted. I used to kind of pass my days looking forward to my nights of drinking. But now the nights are just not a big deal. I get in PJ's, read, watch TV whatever. Go to bed early. Then the day comes and that's where the fun is to be had! At night, I'm really tired and just kind of cozy.

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about and what you're trying to capture. But IME it's not really as important as I thought it was. I'm more engaged in life in general and that little alcoholic oasis I used to crave pales in comparison.

I would love to connect with other moms on here!

traderjane

I'm a Mom -- 3 kids, divorced. I never had a problem with alcohol until after my kids got here and I became a stay at home Mom, lost my career, my identity, and used wine to kind of feel more "adult like" and "civilized" after being with my kids all day.

Over time, it got me into trouble. My marriage fell apart but not because of alcohol - for other reasons. And after my ex-husband and I separated in 2007 my alcohol problems (specifically wine) really began.

To this day I find it harder to recover because of my kids. I can be in the best mood all day, have a great day with no intention to drink, and then the stress of my kids fighting or yelling just sets off a trigger for me to want to drink. I also find it harder to get to meetings at night, have other ways of stress relief (for example, yoga classes in the evening) because of my children. It is VERY HARD!! I can relate!

I've made a lot of progress on not drinking at home in the past year or so, and I think it's possible to get out of the habit of it and re-train your brain. I started with simply substituting my wine with some sparking cranberry juice or some type of yummy fruit juice or soda and still having say, cheese and crackers with it. I found that after I did that, my cravings for wine were greatly reduced. After doing this time and time again, I have been successfully able to eliminate that need for "end of the day wine". I have still been having problems eliminating wine entirely from my life -- mostly in social situations, but I am recommitting myself to that effort as well because it only leads to trouble for me.

I can relate, yes!!!

maisy

I would be extremely interested in having a separate section for this mom category as well. I have kids and I look at their faces and it makes me sad for all the times I was not present. thankfully they are young, and I will have to work on forgiving myself. I too used wine to help me be calmer, or simply to get rid of boredom. i am on day 9 and tomorrow will be the first day back in our regular routine.

Nikkle

Congrats Maisy! My drinking significantly increased after my youngest daughter was born and I became a stay at home mom. As soon as all the older kids had gone off to school and Dad went to work, I would feel so empty. If I had no appointments scheduled, it was a drinking day.

maisy

Hi Nikki! Congrats to you as well! I think one of the hardest things for me is the fact that I consider myself a really good mom. But I hate myself for what I have done for the last few years. My regular routine was to start drinking while I was making dinner and I would drink a bottle of wine most nights. Sometimes I would even go to the store and buy more, full well knowing I should not drive. I have driven with my kids in the car when I shouldn't have. I have so much guilt over that. I love them so much. Now to find something to fill that void that I get in the afternoon.

franie

Oh how I relate to you all. I have three daughters and the hardest thing was replacing the wine with something else in the evening. What works for me is a fizzy soft drink along with SR. However, problem with this is that it can isolate you from your family. I moan about the kids being on their computer or phone and here I am doing the same. As with all things moderation is the key. Cook with the kids, eat with the family, spend time with my husband, use SR when the urg to drink to drink takes hold. It is working for me. In short I am replacing drinking with living my life with my family.

Ghostly

Mary,

Congrats on 12 days! That is great.

I am not a mother, I'm a guy with no kids. So...if you'll allow me...I'll still respond. I started drinkin when I moved into my current house. So pretty much all the things I did here, I did em drinking. Playing with the dogs outside, playing outside, home projects, football games...did em all while I was drinking. Did em all while I was drinking for years at this house, and didn't know those things without drinking for the most part.

Soooooo.....that was a big worry for me. When I quit, how do I enjoy goin outside on a nice spring day, with the dogs, runnin around playin with em, hitting hockey balls - Without drinking?!?!?!??

Guess what happened? I enjoyed them. More than before. Didn't get drunk while I was out there. Didn't have to run in to slam my Vodka. Then, once I was done, could go in and find something else to do sober.

So, I think it's just a matter of you finding things you like to do sober, and enjoying the things you would do drinking, but enjoy them sober. You may be surprised how much better it is this way.

You can do this! It is up to you.

stephnc

I'm a mom who has basically lost custody of my son over my drinking. Granted, the final episode of drinking that caused this was one in which I drank two bottles of Nyquil and landed in the hospital for over a week (for medical detox at first and then in the psych ward); there were mental health issues as well as drinking but still...it was a case where my need for oblivion overpowered my desire and ability to be a good mother, and it has really sucked to be paying for that mistake for over two years now.

You've made an excellent start with your 12 days - congratulations! - and I think AA is a great idea. I've been sober for almost 8 months now with the help of SR and AA...as well as with the support of my ex-husband and son (my son came with me to the meeting on my 6 month sober anniversary and watched me pick up my blue chip - it was so amazing and wonderful to have him there).

This might or might not be a good idea, but I'd suggest that you keep using the wine glass at dinner - just put cranberry juice or even water with a lemon in it. And don't feel guilty about taking whatever time you need to visit and post on SR or go to meetings. You'll ultimately be a better mom if you get sober and do whatever it takes to stay that way.

Best wishes to you, and I look forward to hearing more about your progress!

Stephanie

kilt

Congratulations! Keep up the good work. You are saving your kids childhoods by staying sober and I respect you enormously for staying sober.

julez

Hi all!
I'm a 37 year old mom of a 14 year old boy and 16 year old girl. I started drinking nightly about 2 years ago when my daughter started going through some really bad times with school, and friends. I have a long story to tell, but basically, she was molested at the age of 8, repressed it, and through therapy for other things, it came out. She was hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts, and it has truly been the worst year ever.
But I'm over 2 months sober now, and I'm feeling much better. I'm learning to let go and let God, instead of beating myself up daily over it, and killing myself nightly with alcohol. I'd love a seperate room for moms!
Love to all mommies struggling to stay sober!

mfanch

MJ, I really related to your post. I started out like you did, wine in the evening, but ended up with vodka in my coffee cup as I was serving my kids fruit and yogurt for breakfast. This is definitely a progressive disease!

Kudos to you for "stopping while there is still time" as the big book says. I didn't. I moved on to drugs and a lot more trouble.

Today, I drink honey vanilla decaf tea in the evenings and usually in the afternoon. It is my little "treat" to myself. That and getting my butt to AA meetings (and if they are open meetings, I take the kids, too). They listen to music or play leapster with headphones and I get a meeting!

hth,
mfanch

Maryjan

Thank you all so much. I don't know how to set up a room for moms...maybe we can just keep posting here? What I love to do is read...and I can't read and sit with kids eating macaroni and cheese. For me, too, the whining or homework or tantrums make me want a drink. Also trying to be both a good mom and adult, interesting wife...a hard combo when I just want to lie on the floor and have the day end. Coming on SR is a great idea.

MyGraySkies

I'm a mom of 4 now teenagers. So much of what's posted here hits home, big time. Whew. After my first detox that evening glass of wine (that turned into many glasses slowly but surely, and then to mixed drinks, and well, you know) was the hardest to adjust to not having. I always had a drink as I cooked dinner. It was my "I made it to the end of the day, now to eat, drink and relax!". I didn't find a way to fill that void at that time and for many reasons, mostly because I'm an alcoholic/addict, I relapsed. This time however, I have found that keeping teas that I like for hot tea, a flavored decaf coffee blend, or just saving having my daily diet soda til dinner time takes the edge off that a lot. So, it's my special end of the day drink but it's not alcohol inclusive.

Dearyme

Single Mum of two daughters here - sadly I have allowed drinking to take over my life so much the past few years I feel wretched for the damage I have probably caused them - nothing physical but just, I guess, neglect. I love them both so very much and hate the poison so how did I let that become the main thing that dictated how my (and their) lives have gone. Its time to change, I cant recover the lost years but I can try and give them some happier times of what is left of their childhood. It would be nice to be able to trace a hint of respect in my eldests eyes. If I can beat this addiction maybe I will earn that.

sazza

Hi maryjan,

Wow do I relate to this thread and all the posts on it. Wine was my poison of choice and as soon as the kids were in bed I'd start. It started about 4 or 5 years ago, just the one glass, progressed to a bottle and a half each night often with a couple of brandies to finish off the job. I was a real mess.

I am still early in my sobriety 120+ days, and the biggest struggle for me was when the kids went to bed. How on earth could I relax? What was my reward for getting through the day? It wasn't easy and often I spent nights so pissed off with the unfairness of me being an alcoholic while all the other moms I know could sit down with their glass of wine.

Of course if I could have sat down with just a glass of wine I would have been okay, but oh no , never just a glass, the whole dang bottle and then some.

Sorry! To get back to your question...!! I swapped my routine around for the first while. I showered when the kids went to bed, instead of in the morning. I saved my favourite non-alcoholic drink until after the kids had gone to bed, so if cola was my favourite at the time I wouldn't have it all day. I bought in my favourite snacks and like the cola only had them when the kids were in bed. Sometimes I did a load of laundry (amazing how the washing stays on the line when you're sober!!). I came on here when I could, but was aware that I was shutting myself off from my husband if I spent too long on here. I bought cookbooks and made cheesecakes! I dyed my own hair. The list is endless and I still find that I need a certain structure to help ease me through that time of the day.

The very best of luck to you, you can do this!!