Drunk Mommies
Hi all and MJ:
I'm a mom, too, of two teenage boys. They are the best kids a woman could want. I'm 44 years old.
I'm going to take a slightly different route here, if I may. I'm currently in AA, and right now, I'm working on Step 4 - taking the inventory. It's really stopped me cold in my tracks. Let me tell you why.
I have a childhood story that stuns a lot of folks (I'm sure many of you do). I've worked with a shrink, on and off for 18 years, regarding those issues. I won't list it all, for we will be here all day.
I've been diagnosed with chronic PTSD, chronic anxiety and chronic panic. I am also working on a thyroid issue.
I had a very tumultuous 15 year marriage. Three weeks after I was in a terrible car accident, the divorce hit. I spent the first year of the divorce process in physical therapy, and adjusting to the life of a single mom, etc., etc., etc.
My point is, lots and lots of stress, right?
Going back to getting stuck on Step Four and taking my inventory, the reason I got hung up is because it seems rather senseless to me to go back through and list all those perceived 'grievances' in my life. I mean, I've got more reasons to drink than I could possibly list in a day. So, I started thinking about it a little differently.
My drinking did not get out of control until after my divorce. For most of my life, I've been able to control it. Yeah, I went a little nutty in college. But I got married, had kids, and drinking was never an issue. Seriously. I'd tell you if it was.
I came to understand that my alcohol use became uncontrollable, not because of any one stress in my life, but because I am an alcoholic and did not know it. It is woven into the fabric of my being. It was only a matter of time... for me.
One of the things I've noticed in AA is not so much our patterns, our lies, etc., (and they are there), but the same personality traits. Excessive thinking, anxiety, escapism, repressed anger and resentment, perfectionism, self-centeredness (that feels like selflessness), a tendency to take on the world's problems as our own, and an extreme sensitivity to the vagaries of life. There's probably more, but, you get the drift.
I looked back on my life, and I saw all those things in me, even as a small child. I felt different, I felt isolated. I used all those things I listed above to survive a very tumultuous childhood. I've used those things to succeed as an adult. I used those things about me to kick my drinking to an uncontrollable level.
The make-up of my personality, it seems to me, is the issue here. It's why I'm an alcoholic, and I can see it in myself YEARS before I ever had my first drink.
Right now, I could throw myself into a job to keep my mind off drinking (become a workaholic), I could eat instead of drink (become a foodaholic), etc., etc. etc. Those things are far less damaging to the world, yes, I know. But still, to me, it's just another form of 'excessive' and 'escapism.' Damn.
Right now, I'm intellectualizing the hell out of all of this. Another trait. And that is exactly why I am stuck at step four. It's me. It isn't any one thing, place, person or event, or even the combination of such things that has landed me exactly where I am right now. It's me. I can't even begin to tell you all how terrifying that is, how cunning my personality has become.
Right now, this is where I am focusing my efforts. Observing myself, with as much awareness as I can. The 'why's' of it are no longer of greatest concern to me. I am who I am. But until I really get to know... this person I am... I'm just going to be another person who survives and escapes life, instead of truly living it.
I in no way mean to imply that anyone else would do well to do the same, to be judgmental, etc. Everyone finds what works best for them. Keep at it, ya'll!!