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Old 04-06-2010, 01:11 PM
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...

I feel terrible. Nice way to start a thread, huh.

I've been all over the place lately - emotionally. I'm not depressed, nor in any kind of danger, and there's no way in hell I'd drink right now.

But I'm overwhelmed with what I can only identify as grief - I feel like I've lost something and can't get it back. If I only knew what it was... like when you notice that a book is missing, but only because there's an empty space on the shelf where it should be.

A very painful and raw emptiness.

My pdoc encouraged me to reach out, as she acknowledges just how important SR is to me. It's part of the recovery process... She wants me to embrace my losses + kiss them goodbye, like letting go of the old so that the new can flourish and make me feel alive again. It does sound nice.

Just needed to vent..

It all just hurts so very much right now.
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:15 PM
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:21 PM
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Matty,

I'm sorry you're having a bad time.

I do understand that, as addicts, we often have to lose things/people/parts of ourselves. And, it's difficult to let go. I had some very firm beliefs about myself, beliefs that I had built my life around, that turned out to be untrue. I definitely felt a loss and an emptiness when I let go of those parts of myself.

And, it is true, that letting go is opening yourself up to the new and the wonderful.
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:23 PM
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:ghug3 I hope you feel better very soon. I know that empty feeling all too well. I hope it passes and leaves you feeling happy with yourself.
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:29 PM
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Hi matt
I'm just passing on what my therapist told me.
He told me we shouldn't feel bad about feeling sad and miserable at times and that it's part of being human.
He says we live in a society where everything has to be cured instantly by a pill or something and that we feel we're a failure when we get lows and this feeling of failure then makes us feel even worse. We feel obliged to be jolly and bubbly all the time but in fact being down is just part of life and given time we feel better again (as long as we keep working our program or philosophy of life or relearning process or whatever you want to call it)

So I'm going to copy suki and sent you a big big hug matt- we're all here for you and thanks for all the times you've cheered me up with your kindness, humour and common sense.

:ghug3
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:29 PM
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:59 PM
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Matty,
Sending big hugs your way. One of the best (and at first most puzzling) things my sponsor used to tell me was "Don't just do something, SIT there." It was the opposite of what I had always thought... I thought I had to take immediate actions to feel better instead of sitting with my feelings. It has also helped me a lot to journal, so that I can find patterns in triggers etc that will adversely affect my moods.

We're here for you, and we'll be here if/when you need to talk it out. Otherwise, we will sit with you.

Hugs
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Old 04-06-2010, 02:15 PM
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I like Cats (and JJB's) idea...I spent my entire life trying to avoiding feeling sadness, or grief, or anger or stress...I've learned it's ok to feel this way.

It's natural to feel change, and to feel loss, in anyones life - let alone someone in recovery - it definitely is rough going sometimes. We're all with you, though, Matt

D
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Old 04-06-2010, 02:39 PM
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I'm sorry to hear this Matt and wish I could make you feel better, but I don't have any words to help you. You are in my thoughts today Matt. Big hugs - Sarah xxx
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Old 04-06-2010, 03:20 PM
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I feel so extremely overwhelmed right now - crikey, it's so scary, I don't recall ever feeling this way. But I feel blessed, knowing that a group of wonderful people are there for me. I can only hope to give back to you all. Thank you so very much.
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Old 04-06-2010, 03:38 PM
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I was trying to understand what you were dealing with and I was trying to locate something specific. But I guess that is the point, it's not something that can be articulated, and that makes me think I understand it more than I did at first sight. I think I've been having that off and on since the new year. It's like this gratitude in being "well" again (no drinking and that whole acceptance and pick-up-the-pieces process) switching places with an empty double-you-tee-eff feeling every other day. It's part of what prompted a bit of a survival instinct in scratching thoughts down and asking whether I had had a nervous breakdown or wonder whether I have been a manic depressive all this time; and then to ask the dumb questions like "What is a nervous breakdown anyway?" (ha ha).

And then I get to see other great people like you talk about what sounds like similar stuff lately.

I suppose for people that are entering Spring again there is a challenge. At least that is how I look at the return to the nice weather. I've gotten better at being a little more active and the weather helps out with that intiative. And then I quit smoking cigarettes for 5 days (minus 2 hours), and the return to nice weather may have gotten my mind back on to the smoking again (something about the "return to familiar comforts"). And then that made me think, A-ha, that looks like something to be aware of, because I am not going to walk into that kind of _________ trap with regard to drinking again. That would be foolish crap.

Then I just think about what it means to like myself, and then that changes the subject for a while. And then another day.

No idea if I am on the same wavelength.
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Old 04-06-2010, 04:02 PM
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Matt, you do know what I mean by double-you-tee-eff, right?

Just trying to use some dry humo(u)r, haha.
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Old 04-06-2010, 04:21 PM
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Matt, I haven't yet figured out what causes these feelings, but I definitely have them too. The change of seasons, approach of the holidays, a certain piece of news - a certain song - just about anything can trigger them. With the nice weather, the inevitable feeling sorry for myself has tried to kick in (poor me, can't go to the old places & have the old fun). Yet I've long since been able to banish those thoughts from my mind & remember how lucky I am to be free of the chains. So I don't know what this vague discontent is.

Since we don't know what "it" is, we can't take any action. Yet by coming here to talk it out, you've hopefully taken the sting out of it - and you've helped me by letting me know I'm not alone! I thank you for that, Matt. May your feelings even out and happiness be yours once again. Love you, my friend.
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Old 04-06-2010, 04:32 PM
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All I can say is thanks for posting! I can relate to what you have posted and it helps me when others like yourself post things like this. It makes people who are also suffering from that loss/grief/mourning emotions/feelings know that they aren't alone. One thing I have learned is that getting it all out on SR really helps me and when it passes and I am 'through' then I feel such clarity and strength.

Peace and Love
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Old 04-06-2010, 04:32 PM
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Hey Matt,

The Hermetics have a Rose Cross Ritual that looks intriguing, give it a whirl?! I told you I'd be looking into it. I'm still reading all the "Flying Rolls"

Know what sucks about being interesting? It's sad sometimes. :-) :-)
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Old 04-06-2010, 05:08 PM
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I love what JJB said.

Learning how to feel is a tough step for an addict that is used to masking it.
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Old 04-06-2010, 05:50 PM
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Hi Matt
I understand this feeling so well. You made me actually sit and think about it somewhat. All my life I have felt like there was 'something missing'. I could never quite put my finger on it either. Somehow, I never felt entitled to be happy, why, dont really know either. Silly thing though, Im quite a strong person when I want to be, but I can be vulnerable and scared the next. Weird hey! I can only put it down to my life experiences as a child, teenager and adult. Ive had to be tough and look after me (dont let anyone in - you know) but I also looked after everyone else. Maybe because I never let anyone take care of me because I was so damn cautious all the time and had severe trust issues. Now at my age, I was beginning to be content and someone close deceited me. I guess I tell myself this is all part of life but I wonder if I will ever find that missing piece too. When I look back, the bloke upstairs has thrown some fireballs at me and I think 'give me a break' but it just keeps coming. For that, Im going to live the rest of my life the way I want to.
OK Now that I have blabbered on about me again, I really wish you everything you dream for. They say sometimes that things are looking us in the face, but we dont see it. Maybe if we just look a little deeper and let down our guard, things will just happen hey...
Jo
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Old 04-06-2010, 06:11 PM
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Awww Matty You are just clearing the way for something amazing to come into your life! Don't try to figure it out, just know it will blow you away when it comes and it might be coming around the corner as we speak!!!

Give love and it will come back to you!
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Old 04-06-2010, 06:19 PM
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I feel so drained - exhausted.. All I can do at the moment is thank every one of you for your advise Your encouragement and kindness have all made a difference for me today. xox.
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Old 04-06-2010, 06:19 PM
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Nite, nite.
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