I was trying to understand what you were dealing with and I was trying to locate something specific. But I guess that is the point, it's not something that can be articulated, and that makes me think I understand it more than I did at first sight. I think I've been having that off and on since the new year. It's like this gratitude in being "well" again (no drinking and that whole acceptance and pick-up-the-pieces process) switching places with an empty double-you-tee-eff feeling every other day. It's part of what prompted a bit of a survival instinct in scratching thoughts down and asking whether I had had a nervous breakdown or wonder whether I have been a manic depressive all this time; and then to ask the dumb questions like "What is a nervous breakdown anyway?" (ha ha).
And then I get to see other great people like you talk about what sounds like similar stuff lately.
I suppose for people that are entering Spring again there is a challenge. At least that is how I look at the return to the nice weather. I've gotten better at being a little more active and the weather helps out with that intiative. And then I quit smoking cigarettes for 5 days (minus 2 hours), and the return to nice weather may have gotten my mind back on to the smoking again (something about the "return to familiar comforts"). And then that made me think, A-ha, that looks like something to be aware of, because I am not going to walk into that kind of _________ trap with regard to drinking again. That would be foolish crap.
Then I just think about what it means to like myself, and then that changes the subject for a while. And then another day.
No idea if I am on the same wavelength.