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Old 04-06-2010, 07:44 PM
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We Do Recover
 
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Old 04-06-2010, 07:50 PM
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I had (have) the grief of giving up my best friend--drink/drugs. in the end it was me and them in a secret corner of the universe. As I reach out more I am feeling more connected and whole.

thanks for your post
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:41 PM
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Red face .

..mattcake?
..maybe this world,needs you..

..that would put a strain on me,as well..

..take care,our friend..xox..Oz..
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:07 AM
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I'm so glad I reached out - printed out this thread, read it first thing in the morning. Feel a teensy bit better today. And so grateful.
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:25 AM
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I am SO happy to hear that Matt. Any improvement is a good improvement. You did reach out and for all the love you have given SR, you got it back. Karma baby! Hugs - Sarah
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:36 AM
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matt, I hope today is better for you. I have recently gone through some of that and it was such a struggle and I can truly relate to all the pain. I just wanted it to STOP!!!!! It took a while, I think it took a total of about two weeks before I was ok, but it was rough and I got through it. I know you can too.

Hang in there mattcake, we love you!!! xo
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:27 PM
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Matte'.. I just read this. Are you feeling better? I hate brain gunk like that. If you ever want to talk, I hope you know I'm here for that!!

<3
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Old 04-07-2010, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
Matte'.. I just read this. Are you feeling better? I hate brain gunk like that. If you ever want to talk, I hope you know I'm here for that!!

<3
Thanks, Smacky I just need to get over myself is all ;-)
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Old 04-07-2010, 04:16 PM
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I like your response above to smacked.

Love it!!
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Old 04-07-2010, 04:18 PM
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AUUGH! Caught red-handed, lol, I was just going to edit it ;-)
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Old 04-07-2010, 05:12 PM
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Matt, you always retain your sense of humor, and instead of curling up in a fetal position - you come here to talk it out. You are still healing, and doing it very well. Peace be with you.
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Old 04-07-2010, 05:21 PM
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I just got out of a similar funk 2 days ago, it had been on me for about 3 weeks. My sponsor wants me to do some writing on it, only I have no idea what "it" was.

I broke down Monday night and journaled. The first page was about feelings, the second page was me beseeching the powers that be to intervene on my behalf. I cried a lot writing the second page, and then I felt something. . .I decided it might have been my head coming out of my arse, in any case, the storm has passed, and it will for you too honey.
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Old 04-08-2010, 04:41 AM
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Yesterday was terrible, probably an all time low (won't go into details, I don't like whining - not much to tell anyway).

My pdoc seems more desperate about all this than I am... I reassured her that I'm not going to drink, alcohol stopped being a viable option for me a long time ago. She ordered me to go back on my old, fail-proof med. I took it reluctantly last night, and woke up feeling foggy. I left her a msg a moment ago, letting her know that I won't be taking it again because I refuse to numb away my feelings again - I've done that in the past, and look at the results.

Deep down, I *know* that this sadness is healthy and necessary.

I've read this thread several times, I'll answer each post soon.

Hugs, thanks for listening Thanks for your support
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Old 04-08-2010, 04:43 AM
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As an aside, most people know that I'm very pro-medication - not judging, I'm actually on stuff at the moment. But I don't want to feel like a zombie.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:43 AM
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Matty, I'm sorry things are not going well.

I'm glad you're talking with your dr and getting her input. I understand not wanting to feel like a zombie, and I hope you find something that helps you. I also get that sometimes sadness is necessary. It's something we need to go through in order to move forward. I hope you can find a balance between feeling such an overwhelming sadness and feeling like a zombie.

(((Matt)))
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Old 04-09-2010, 04:10 PM
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Short update:

Despite my protests, my psychiatrist set up a special appointment for me today (she doesn't work on Fridays - lucky her, I guess she needs longer weekends to recoup)... so it was all a bit more informal that usual.

As soon as she opened the door, and to my horror, I burst into tears. She didn't hold me (thank g*d) but she smiled at me instead, took my arm and led to the usual couch. She asked me to let it all out, without judging myself - I blubbered something about acting like a baby- I was embarrassed by my outburst, she's only a few years older than me.

I told her stuff I'd never spoken about before... nothing deep or horrifying, no dark secrets, just random stuff. She kept nodding and prodding me to continue.

I told her I understood I was only 2 years into recovery (something I mentioned to a good friend here) and that it would take some more time, and she said "yes but, after all the work we've done together, do you think that alcohol is the problem?". She told me to think about it.

I'm not looking to start a debate ;-) I said that I'd been hurting for a *very* long time, and had turned to alcohol for comfort, which became a problem in itself. She kindof nodded and wrote something down.

Anyway, that's my not-so-short update. I'm still feeling pretty terrible, but it's okay... I have faith.

Thanks so much for bearing with me + all the encouragement you've given me, especially during this past week
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Old 04-09-2010, 05:09 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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I don't know about anyone else but I know I had a whole lifetime full of underlying issues before I ever smoked my first joint or drank my first drink.

I developed addictions on top of those to 'cope', but the biggest part of my recovery has been filling in the void I'd always felt.

It's scary as hell at times, and it's taken me a lot of work - but it's so worth it, Matt.
Keep that faith, lean on us, and you'll be ok, mate

D
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:01 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Mattcake, I have goose bumps from reading that post up there. I am very proud of you for "letting it all out". Very awesome for you, another step in your progress to get totally healthy. I also know that alcohol wasn't all to blame in what I was doing. I had YEARS of built up stuff that it wasn't so much shoving down (until it was all piled up, how do you deal with years, decades of stuff???) but things that I was told to "get over it", "things happen to bad people all of the time, what makes you special?" or "it was in the past, who cares?" Apparently I cared because it was stuff that was never dealt with.

The first time I opened my mouth to dump all my crap to my counselor, I was crying so hard she could barely understand me. Yeah, I felt like a big baby too. I don't think I had wailed like that since I was a kid.

Alcohol was wonderfully numbing for me. I didn't realize how much so 'til I put it down. I used to pride myself on "I never cry."

matt, while you still may be struggling right now, I am very happy for you that you have taken another step in taking care of YOU!!!!!! Very awesome.

Sending tons of hugs your way.
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Old 04-10-2010, 02:09 PM
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This is just my opinion here.

You said earlier that you're not "depressed" per say. And I find myself feeling very uncomfortable with the feelings that you say you're having and the reason that is is because there was always this nagging feeling I had in the throws of my depression, something missing, no real reason to be feeling that certain way. I know some people have said its normal to be down but if you have nothing to be down about I think its a problem. I don't think the sadness is healthy if you have nothing to be particularly sad about. That was always a problem for me.... felt sad and incomplete despite everything around me being "fine."

I'm actually glad your doctor is concerned about this because I know you will keep brushing it off trying to make it OK. I care for you a lot Matty (BIG HUGS)
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Old 04-10-2010, 02:24 PM
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Matty, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Big Large HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are feeling so out of yourself our friend. I hope and pray these feelings will ease soon. Someone told me once that these times are God's way of helping us grow and that He has big new plans for us. I hope you feel happier again very soon.

Love and big hugs, Pancake xo
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