angharad

I had the one glass then felt so terrible i didn't have anymore. I know from an alcoholic that sounds unbelievable but hey..Today I've been racked with remorse, feelings of worthlessness and failure. Thanks for your support though. I guess this is day 1 over with...again.

Fandy

me either, I probably would have drank the entire bottle of wine...and read the bottom of my signature to see my opinion about your 25 days...they certainly do count for something!!

onward and upward....

least

:ghug3

angharad

Thanks everyone It just sucks seeing '1' on my calendar now where there should've been '26'. I've only got myself to blame because i'm an alcoholic. I need to be stronger now I have learnt my lesson. And as odd as this may sound it helps to know that others have had relapses. Makes me feel like im not alone.

I need to share though as it was only one glass of wine that doesn't mean the minute the drink went down my throat I was craving to get drunk, I was wanting the sweet high of forgetfulness to ease my stress, I wanted to black out forget my problems...but then after that one glass I felt shame and regret and most of all disappointment, especially as I remember my partner once telling me he would leave me if i continued drinking. The conscious is a powerful tool and the b*****d has made me feel sh****y all day.

I need to put this behind me and emerge successful. Also give serious consideration to what Neo said about being truthful with everyone and telling them. If they are true to me the fact that i'm an alcoholic won't matter and they will be around me to help me

NEOMARXIST

Hi angharad. That's great progress you've made there as now you have admitted what you are then you can begin your recovery from your alcoholism!

Maybe you are done now and I have heard it said in a meeting I went to from a bloke with 30+ years sobriety that his rockbottom was similar to yours. Not a mad bender or anything like that but simply one drink that simply sucked the life out of him and he knew right there and then that he was beaten and done with alcohol.

It takes what it takes and you sound like you're at the point where you are done with it. 26 days will soon come around 'one dat at a time' and when it does it will be a real milestone for you and you will be feeling really positive. That's how it was for me on day 38 anyway!

You should be proud that you walked away after that one glass as it's something I couldn't have done. My mind would have said to me "well you've lost your sobriety now so you may as well go out all guns blazing" You've saved yourself all of that madness. So I think you've done remarkably well there.

Accept your alcoholism and it can be a new beginning for you. Just don't drink one day at a time and you will never have to feel like you did today again. Alcoholism is a strange thing that only other alcoholics can possibly empathise with. 'Normal' people could never appreciate how just taking one drink could cause such angst and turmoil mentally and emotionally. I understand how you feel and hearing how you are feeling helps me remember too.

Be honest and true to yourself in relation to other people. You don't need to tell them you're an alcoholic but also don't cower and make up some cringe-worthy excuse about being on anti-biotics or any of that crap. Just tell em straight. You've drank enough for your life-time and leave it at that. They will get the message.

It is good that you have posted today and been honest as it would be easy to shy away from SR and slip back into drinking again and then being back to where you were before. You never need to drink ever again, one day at a time.


peace and Love x

angharad

LOL thats the commen excuse i was using for any social event that happened in my first 25 days. People believed me cuz i'm a nurse. I knew which anti biotics to rattle off to people, even work colleagues who were doctors and nurses on work night out, ones that you can't drink on. And people didn't think twice.

In fact I have a holiday in Croatia in April 17th-21st, already booked and paid for before I got sober. ITs with about 20 friends, and since i put down my last drink i've been thinking of what excuse to say of why i won't drink. But after your wise advice (as always) I'm just going to say i don't want to drink and want to enjoy the country as opposed to missing days from being hungover and only experiencing the night life!

That one drink was my downfall and it is so encouraging to know im not alone. My partner said to me, "its only one drink it doesn't matter, just start again" but its not only one drink in that sense. Its more than that. ITs the whole emotion and angst that comes with it, especially 25 days into sobreity.

This has been a huge lesson for me, and this rollercoaster of emotional upheaval is going round again! A personal problem that I've always had (don't know if its cuz im a nurse) is that I put others before me all the time, I worry about other ppl before myself, and I hate asking for help, I feel like ppl have better things to worry about or do than help me. That has to change I know, but it won't happen over night as I've been like this for years.

A lot of the time i posted on here day 20+ i didn't come clean with how depressed I was feeling or lonely and i should've done, but I didn't want to burden ppl and wanted people to be proud of me. But this is a place where you have to be brutally honest to survive. I don't like to think that im whinning. This will change now, If im feeling low i'll tell ppl just how low im feeling

-x-

NEOMARXIST

Thats the way to do it yes, don't sugar coat anything. Brutal honesty is required because if you lie then you're only shooting yourself in the foot. It ain't always pretty at the time but recovery sure ain't easy! At times emotions are incrediblty raw and the old crutch ain't there anymore to medicate and block the pain out.

I share exactly where I'm at on SR and AA. I had some incredibly hard times mentally around xmas time and sharing totally honestly got me through without 'thinking' myself back into a drink. Without AA and SR I would have thought myself back into drink. It was actually AA and a guy there that saved me at about 4 months, he took me outside during a meeting as he could tell I was anxious. I will never forget that. Always a very fine line at times, so you need to be totally honest and get your thoughts out so others can help you before you get to the stage of drinking. There is a saying that a relapse happens way before the act of drinking. That is why you need to share totally honestly where you're at and get out of your own headspace.

Remember not to worry about holidays etc, just take everything one day at a time. That goes for not drinking, as well as living, as much as possible. Otherwise you will get demotivated and overwhelmed and drinking will rear it's head again.

Peace

least

If you haven't already found it, Whiner's Anonymous is a great place to let off steam and just b!tch about 'stuff'. So come on over if you haven't already, and if you already have, come back again! Whiners are Winners

intention

Hi Angharad, I am glad you came back and posted here today.

angharad

Day 4 now again lol *sigh* thanks for all your support. I haven't had any cravings this week just thoughts of disgust for my actions last week

least

:ghug3

Stayinfree

Well done on day 4...I'm joining you too...I'm on day 5 this time.

angharad

Day 6..slowly but surely getting there. Still feel like **** though. Still miss the drink. Won't give in though I want to get better.
On a positive note i got up at 6am this morning feeling great and wrote one of my essays for my MSc......ironically its an essay about children being the primary carers for parents with alcohol/substance misuse issues lol :/ *sigh* life is odd sometimes

intention

Yes, how ironic. Thank God I quit booze when my son was 7. I hear many stories in AA of recovered alcoholics who missed out so much on the childhoods' of their kids, knowing the can't turn back the clock and relive those precious moments.

Well done on 6 days. You went to AA once, didn't you? Are you going to go back?

Fandy

Hey Ang!!!! glad to hear that you have a strong foothold with Day #6!!!! and congrats on writing that paper...do something NICE for yourself today, stop dwelling on one mistake...we are here to support you.

I hope you have a great day today!

angharad

Thanks guys. And yea i went twice to AA but felt a bit odd as I was the youngest by about 20 years, and everyone seemed a bit overwhelmingly god like if you know what I mean. With the strength and support of SR I am determined to do it this time I'm working my way through all the postings here about the 12 steps

intention

Hi Angharad, you would be surprised at how many different people you will see if you keep going to meetings. I find people tend to vary the ones they go to, so I am always seeing new faces.....but they have been around for a long time.

A lot of the women where I am tend to be around my age, I'm 41, but there are also quite a few in their 20s. Different meetings, different people.
What I do know is that the regulars benefit hugely from the friendship that they get from people who understand them and are also sober. I met two new friends for coffee last week, and will be meeting another two this week.

If you build up this support network of people around you, in times of trouble (overwhelming desire for booze) it is easier to call on them.

Another sober Saturday night. Well done

angharad

Thanks I also got a lot of work done on my assignments tonight too which I wouldn't have ordinarily done on a saturday night. I understand what ur saying Intention I really do, I've never been much of s 'groups' person. Since I was 17 doctors and psychs have asked me to do councelling and therapy for my bipolar. im fine on one-on-one therapy but I just can't relax in 'group therapy'. When I went to the meetings I felt enourmous pressure to sit there and tell my story and as I was the new one the people were focusing on me when i just wanted to blend into the background. There were only 8 people in there the second time I went and Im really not being agesit at all but I look much younger than 29 (I always used to get ID'd for booze) and I felt in my paranoid little brain that I didnt deserve to be there as I hadn't suffered as long as those who were there, and the 2 women I met felt a bit like they were mothering me I know they had good intentions. I don't know I might give it another shot. I will think about it. Thank you though for the support you all provide on here

NEOMARXIST

Hi angharad. what you are talking about are all legimate problems that are faced by people getting sober in there 20's. I was 23 when i went to my first meetings and now I am 24. I am by far the youngest at meetings on a whole by about 20 years too. I have been to lots of different meetings, both in the city and towns, and this is generally the same. But I like the comfort of knowing AA meetings are there.

For me what it boils down to is do what you gotta do to stay sober. As long as what you are doing keeps you sober then great, if not then try something different.

It would be great if there were young peoples meetings in UK but there aren't. The reality is that there just isn't the amount of young people willing to get sober in UK. That is the reality. Is that gonna make me go back out drinking again? NO, because I'm an alcoholic/addict and to drink is to die for me.

It ain't easy and there is a lot of sacrifice made in respect of social life/activity that i can participate in. For example I am not gigging or pushing my music as the two are just too closely related to drinking/partying and I still struggle with feelings of mourning/grieving towards my music/guitar playing and being tea-total. But it is what it is and I accept it. For me if I drink then I would lose everything very quickly and I ain't like most others in that respect.

Getting sober has re-shaped my whole future and what I now am aiming for is totally reliant on my sobriety. Wihtout that then I lose my future ambitions/plans. The music will come back in time when I am 'comfortable' around the scene.

I was a wreckhead who lived the rock n' roll lifestyle to the letter. I idolise dead rockstars and all my favourite songs are written by musicians who too were alkies and druggies. That is the reality too. Most died at 27 or in there early 30's and those that didn't got sober/clean. I lived that lifestyle/ideoligy to the marrow and because I am real then it is not something that i can just move on from. It is taking much time and mourning/grieving.

Just for today I do not drink alcohol or take drugs. I know that is the best thing for me to do. That has been gained through much experience and total acceptance that I am an out and out alcoholic/addict. A sesh for me ends up in a bender drinking as soon as I wake and buying super-strength at 7.30 am in the pouring rain. Happened too many times. I am only ever one drink away from going back there again and that is the difference between me and most others. of course many in their 20's still aren't willing to get sober but then i guess I have got a lot to live for and I don't want to vomit it all down the toilet or snort it up my nose.doesn't mean that I wouldn't though if I didn't work on my recovery daily. It is a daily reprieve and it's frightening how quickly moods can turn. But be aware and don;t act upon anything and your OK. Live by the serenity prayer and know that this too shall pass.

Most of all don't drink. Applying the steps to your daily life is a good idea. My view on it all is do what you gotta do.

peace and Love

angharad

Thanks Neo you always speak a lot of very honest sense I've been coming on here daily, if not posting then reading, and its a great help to me. I am doing the whole "one day at a time" thing and its working so far. Today is day 7 and im still reeling about f*****g it up last week after 25 days!!

ITs the hardest thing i've ever done. I;m a smoker...have been since i was 15, actually gave up with patches when i was 22 for 2 years. But during that 2 years my occasional spliff per week turned into a daily occurrence. I just substituted Nicotine with Weed. I started cocaine at the age of 19 - started uni went out partying and im a "try anything once" kinda girl. That soon became a every weekend habit, then a every tie i went out habit. By the time I was 24 I had started smoking ciggies again, the weed was a daily occurrence, the cocaine was a thrus-sat night occurrence, and the alcohol had been a daily occurrence for the last 2 years.

By the age of 25 I guess I was f***ed! I have an addictive personality I;m guessing. I do things to extreme and usually it takes an extreme for me to quit e.g moving 200miles south from my coke dealer and not being able to find another one put an end to my coke years; weed dealer going to prison ended my weed days. In other words I guess I;ve never quit something before because I wanted to its always been circumstantial.
In 2005 I had to see a Liver Consultant due to the excessive alcohol intake had enlarged my liver and back then as i was quite a large girl the fatty foods i was gorging on when drunk had caused lesions in my liver. I had all types of tests and was told to loose weight and quit alcohol (i was a wine drinker back then and got terrible acid reflux) or I would have liver failure. Sure enough that was a shock and over the next 2 years I lost 6 stone from eating healthy, YET only managed 6 months of not drinking before I had the idea that there was no calories in vodka and soda water! Hence my obsession with vodka then and not the empty calorie wine! BAM alcohol back to a daily occurrence!

This has resulted in me being on Omeprazole (protein pump inhibitors) pills twice a day otherwise the chest/tummy pain is unbearable. I was told once i lost weight this would go away. but it seems i really did some damage with the alcohol intake and my scarred oesophagus will never heal.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that quitting my addiction this time is MY choice. Its not an addiction that i am being forced to quit due to circumstance. I really want to succeed!