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I was dreading it...and now it's here...

Old 01-12-2010, 09:00 PM
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I was dreading it...and now it's here...

I guess I'm around 23 days now. At first, being completely sober was a rush in itself. It was refreshing to "feel different" and hopeful for a different future. But as I suspected, I'm getting a little bored with it, because sometimes it feels like nothing's really changed. I'm tired all day and want to go to sleep at 9:00pm because I'm so bored.

It's becoming harder and harder to fill the time that I used to spend drinking (which was A LOT) and I'm starting to feel unhappy, lonely, sad, scared, frustrated, anxious and unsure of myself just like before.

I don't really want to drink, but sometimes, like tonight, I find myself asking what harm could it possibly cause if I just spend ONE night drinking and enjoying the relief?

On the positive side, I have lost 10 of the 20 pounds I've been trying for four years to lose, without really even trying. And that's a really big deal for me because the extra weight has been causing me a great deal of stress over the last three years.

My ex-boyfriend seems to be moving on and that hurts me very deeply. Dating and enjoying relationships is one of the few things in life I had come to really treasure. And now I feel like I'm not supposed to date. So I don't know what to do with myself.

An old flame contacted me over the holidays and now wants to get together this Thursday. I had the biggest crush on him about eight years ago, but he just didn't seem to be that into me at the time. We had a steamy, casual relationship for several years, which I don't think I can do again. I'm afraid if I spend an evening with him I will "fall" pretty hard and not want just a casual fling at this point in my life. At least not with him. He's the one guy I never really got over wanting to be with. He wasn't much of a drinker at the time and I was, and I felt like that got in the way a bit.

I don't know. I just feel like such a big ball of a mess right now. I'm not even sure I know what it is I'm asking for help about. I just feel lost. Like I have no idea who I really am and how I really feel. Guess I'm just venting.

When is all of this supposed to start feeling better?????

And why in the world can I NOT stop eating chocolate????/
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:02 PM
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I suspect the chocolate is a way to try to boost energy levels and chocolate is known for enhancing the brain receptor dopamine. I craved chocolate when I came off drugs. It goes away eventually.

I understand your feelings about feeling blah, I felt the same way coming off drugs. Just blah. No energy, no motivation sort of depressed boredom.
This goes away too. It takes time though, it's not overnight but gradually life feels stable and more interesting. I got re- interested in life again. I also had numbed so many feelings for so long that when I began to feel things it was a bit overwhelming. Simple things I had no problems coping with became huge hurdles.
I've got 16months clean and I have no desire to find relief in the bottom of a bottle or a pill bottle.
Some people find hobbies and other interests to replace drinking. Some people look for a spiritual answer to why they drank. Maybe make a list of all the things you want to do and accomplish and ways to reach those goals. Be kind to yourself meaning pamper yourself a bit now. I went nuts over bath products and I am sure some AA people will come along and help you out. I go to meetings, I meditate, I see a therapist. I don't ignore feelings anymore.
You will get better each day. It's a great thing to be sober and clean.
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:06 PM
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Wink you'll feel better real soon.

..hey..nuthin' wrong with chocolate..i luv the stuff...lol...ozy..
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:12 PM
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Your not alone!!

Hey SunSet....Congratulations on 23 days!! Awesome!!! :ghug3

I remember last year during my 5 mth period of sobriety, I also got bored.....especially with my choices of beverages!! Coffee, juice, water, soda....that's it? How many different ways can I make those fun? Well, I guess they are nourishment for my body and don't need to Rock my World, like an alcoholic beverage!! Those drinks are what brought all of my misery, pain and guilt feelings that I am working through today!!

Have you ever considered a new hobby? Taking an art class, cooking class, kayaking, volleyball or joining a cycling team? What do you like to do? Learning something new can be sooooo exciting!!!

We use to ride our bikes ALL over Texas with a team, the comradery is amazing! Different charity rides, visiting many cities that I had never been to, beautiful scenery, the blue bonnets, lots of eating together, LoL!!.....I really miss riding my bike!! I was in very good shape in those days......about 6 years ago. Now, our bikes have been in storage for 5 years since my DH took this overseas job!! So we took up scuba diving the past 3 years which has been exceptional fun!!

I also spend many hours alone, while DH works so I have learned to quilt with a group of ladies in our compound. I spent the first few years overseas isolating with my booze so meeting once a week to quilt is a big step for me! I really enjoy making quilts for myself and making them for my family and friends! When I have a project going, I feel like I have a goal, something to complete!! I need that!!

I don't have any thoughts about dating......if I were single today....I would get on my bike and ride for miles!!

Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
I don't know. I just feel like such a big ball of a mess right now. I'm not even sure I know what it is I'm asking for help about. I just feel lost. Like I have no idea who I really am and how I really feel. Guess I'm just venting.

When is all of this supposed to start feeling better?????
I understand these feeling too, SunSet!! I am having a hard time even posting, putting my thoughts together....even right now! I feel lost too. Why am I telling you about riding my bike? Maybe I want to get back to that person, I know I have what it takes! Oh yeah, I live in the Middle East, I can NOT ride my bike here......crazy drivers!! I feel like my life has been on hold the past 5 years during this dreaded overseas job!! I miss my kids, family, friends and MY redneck culture!! It has been quite an adventure but I am ready for it to be over!! Hopefully, we will be moving back to Texas this summer!! I am counting the days!!

Day 12 for me.....I am feeling good about not drinking this time!!

Thanks for reading.....I am trying to be a part of SR, I know I need this to be successful in my recovery today!!
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:30 PM
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I think it's very hard to be a non drinker in a drinkers-shaped hole, Sunset.
I had to change my life, inside and out....and that took more than 23 days.

I drank for 20 years...it took time to readjust to the new me and the new life.

There were times I could see no progress either - but the correct response is to keep going, have faith and keep moving forward, not to give in to the inner voice that says 'one night won't hurt'.

It will - and we both know that.
Stay the course - many of us have - it gets better

we wouldn't lie LOL

D
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Old 01-12-2010, 11:39 PM
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A friend of mine (who doesn't know I'm sober) came by about an hour ago to say "hi" and chat. He brought a bottle of wine. Seriously? This just moments after I posted about wanting to just take a break from sobriety just for one night! Really???!!!

It kind of felt like I was being tested. He's never brought over a bottle of wine before, but knows I love it. For a second I thought, "Wow, how convenient. You just wish for it and there it is." But in the next split second I heard myself asking him if he wanted a glass of it, to which he replied, "Only if you are." It was like someone else talking when I said, "Oh, no thanks, but I'll be happy to pour you one." And I did. I could smell it as I opened it and even got whiffs of it on his breath as we talked.

Hmmm. Kind of smelled rank. Did I used to smell like that? Yes. A lot.

Anyway, he was getting ready to leave and I panicked a little about the bottle he was clearly going to leave behind for me. While he was in the bathroom I placed the cork back on it and prepared it for it's journey home. To someone else's home. He didn't even question why I didn't want to keep it and I suspect was actually looking forward to having another glass when he got home. I know if it stayed here I would have drank it. Or at the very least tossed and turned all night debating "should I?" "shouldn't I?" and "why not" "what's the harm", etc.

Oh well. Dodged a bullet for today. But I sure hope you guys are right and that things get better. I do really well most of the time, but some days I just have these "moments". Thanks for caring and sharing.
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Old 01-13-2010, 12:48 AM
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Isn't it CraZy how things like that happen? Wow, I think you handled the situation very good....Exceptional, really!! Good for you.....I think this is a very BIG victory!!

Keep on Keeping on, my friend!
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Old 01-13-2010, 05:06 AM
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Go you! It may seem pretty bad right now but you have done really really well...

Hold your head up miss...you are doing a fantastic job..apparently confusion is all apart of this!
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Old 01-13-2010, 05:49 AM
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Way to go, Sunset!!! You handled a tempting situation great! You know, even if he hadn't taken the wine, you also could have just poured it out. I've done that before, part of me regretting every drop that went down the drain, and part of me filled with relief. Congrats on your 23 days!
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Old 01-13-2010, 10:00 AM
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Hey Sneezy! I thought about it, but what a waste! Just because I can't have it anymore doesn't mean it's not precious stuff! LOL But I could tell he REALLY likes his wine so pouring it out wasn't really an option. I could sense that he wanted it, or at the very least didn't want it to go to waste.

Thanks, Lion! In the moment, when I was in it, it didn't seem hard at all. Almost like an out of body experience, where it just happened and it wasn't really me saying it. Does that make sense?

Anyway, now I see what this whole thing is REALLY about. And that is the day after. I feel so great today, so proud of myself and so glad I didn't give in to that moment of temptation. I would have felt like absolute crap today if I had ruined 23 days of sobriety. And for what? One weak moment?

The next time I have a craving I'll try and focus on the day after. Thank you all !!

Viva Granada Libre!!!!! (An obscure movie reference. I'll be VERY impressed if anyone knows which movie it's from! LOL)
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Old 01-13-2010, 11:04 AM
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Good job on dodging the bullet Sunshine. It will get easier but you are doing great.
That line sounds familiar so I will await your answer to the trivia question.
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Old 01-13-2010, 11:09 AM
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Two hints:

1. It's a recent movie.
2. It stars William H. Macy.
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Old 01-13-2010, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post


An old flame contacted me over the holidays and now wants to get together this Thursday. I had the biggest crush on him about eight years ago, but he just didn't seem to be that into me at the time. We had a steamy, casual relationship for several years, which I don't think I can do again. I'm afraid if I spend an evening with him I will "fall" pretty hard and not want just a casual fling at this point in my life. At least not with him. He's the one guy I never really got over wanting to be with. He wasn't much of a drinker at the time and I was, and I felt like that got in the way a bit.
Watch out with the old flame. Your emotions are raw and vulnerable right now. I would avoid getting together with him.
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Old 01-13-2010, 11:17 AM
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oh wow... i can sooo relate! i haven't quite put had two weeks sober, but there was a time when i had nine months, and i went through a period where i thought just the same thing about it that you did! eventually then i felt better, and realized that it is part of the process. as for the old flame, maybe for now tell you are not available? it sounds like its kind of a dilema for you, and may just throw you back into the habit of drinking if you come to realize its the same old thing with him that it was before, and it makes you sad. and please don't worry about what your ex is doing; you have no control over that and you will just make yourself feel crazy. when you feel good about yourself as a general rule, and life in general, and its a solid feeling, and maybe a bit more sober time under your belt, then perhaps you can find a new relationship other wise, if you don't get what it is you need fromthe relationship, its sure to really knock you for a loop.



and so good on you for the time you have sober! its not easy sometimes, is it? just keep coming on here, and remember, we are all truly in this together!!

xo

gg
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Old 01-13-2010, 11:19 AM
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Hmmm.
I don't think I saw this movie.
Is it one of these 4????
1. Marmaduke
2. Bart got a room
3. Maiden Heist
4. Shorts

If it is I need another hint.
Was it a good movie or was it a dog?
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Old 01-13-2010, 11:27 AM
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Unfortunately, I've already agreed to meet him tomorrow night. I think I can handle it. He's a big player in the film industry out here and I'm a struggling producer, so it's not a contact I can afford to blow off.

I think I just have to be smarter about it this time. If we re-connect and it's working for all the right reasons then maybe we can have a great relationship, even if it's just as friends. He's a really nice guy and someone I would like to have in my life one way or the other.

What's that old saying? "People can only hurt you if you let them"? I just have to go into this like an adult and not expect him to have feelings he doesn't have. And I also need to reign it in and just enjoy his company. I think I can do that. But he's so damn good looking. Oy! LOL

And yes, Fub, it is one of those movies. And it was a really good one. I highly recommend it. If nothing else, just for that one line. LOL All will be revealed soon!
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Old 01-13-2010, 02:44 PM
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I LOVE pouring booze down the drain now HAHAH, I can't even tell you why. I must still be a sick, sick monkey.
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Old 01-13-2010, 02:57 PM
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My mom used to try and get me to eat my dinner by saying "Don't you know there are starving kids in Africa?" To which I would respond, "But throwing it in the trash isn't going to get this food in their mouths, now is it?".

Ah, still a smart ass to this day.
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Old 01-13-2010, 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
I feel so great today, so proud of myself and so glad I didn't give in to that moment of temptation.
That's the feeling I get every day sober...Great! There is a proud moment that comes with being accomplished in sobriety. Its those moments that propels and sustains me in recovery.
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Old 01-15-2010, 12:51 AM
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Talking

Okay, so tonight was my big date with "J". Wow, it was so good to see him. He was very complimentary, even though I know I'm at least 10 pounds heavier than the last time I saw him five years ago (that was before my drinking got bad).

I was a little nervous about how to handle the wine list thing, because when we first started going out back in the day we would drink a lot. Then one day he said he was taking a break from it. Not sure if he had a problem or was just partying too much. But tonight he asked if I wanted some wine, and I simply said, "No thanks, not doing the wine thing tonight, I'll just have a gingerale. But you go ahead." He asked for iced tea. :-) I think he might be a normie, in that he can take alcohol or leave it. That's good, I think.

The conversation went well and he said he'd like for me to come see his new house when he moves in a couple of weeks. He's very sweet and I've always really liked him. And he's super successful now with a very respectable position in the industry (which is also hot).

Anyway, we shared some nice flirty kisses in the parking lot (with the valet standing close by LOL) and I could tell he wouldn't mind if I wanted more. But he was a complete gentleman and said good night. When I got home I received an email from him saying he had a great time and would love to see me again.

Anyway, I know I'm not supposed to be concentrating on dating, so I will take this very slow. But to think that I can't date for a year, even six months isn't very realistic for me. Especially not at my age. But I do promise to keep a level head and look to you guys for support to make sure I handle this well, regardless of how it ends up. After several pretty miserable relationships, the thought of a nice, normal successful guy is very refreshing. But we need to really get to know each other again, as I am not the same person I used to be. I'm much better. And I need to be sure that he's worthy. hehe

By the way, the old me would have had at least two glasses of wine at dinner, expected more wine at his place, would have slept with him at the slightest provocation, and then hated myself in the morning. Yet another great example of how life is better without alcohol. :-)
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