I guess I'm around 23 days now. At first, being completely sober was a rush in itself. It was refreshing to "feel different" and hopeful for a different future. But as I suspected, I'm getting a little bored with it, because sometimes it feels like nothing's really changed. I'm tired all day and want to go to sleep at 9:00pm because I'm so bored.
It's becoming harder and harder to fill the time that I used to spend drinking (which was A LOT) and I'm starting to feel unhappy, lonely, sad, scared, frustrated, anxious and unsure of myself just like before.
I don't really want to drink, but sometimes, like tonight, I find myself asking what harm could it possibly cause if I just spend ONE night drinking and enjoying the relief?
On the positive side, I have lost 10 of the 20 pounds I've been trying for four years to lose, without really even trying. And that's a really big deal for me because the extra weight has been causing me a great deal of stress over the last three years.
My ex-boyfriend seems to be moving on and that hurts me very deeply. Dating and enjoying relationships is one of the few things in life I had come to really treasure. And now I feel like I'm not supposed to date. So I don't know what to do with myself.
An old flame contacted me over the holidays and now wants to get together this Thursday. I had the biggest crush on him about eight years ago, but he just didn't seem to be that into me at the time. We had a steamy, casual relationship for several years, which I don't think I can do again. I'm afraid if I spend an evening with him I will "fall" pretty hard and not want just a casual fling at this point in my life. At least not with him. He's the one guy I never really got over wanting to be with. He wasn't much of a drinker at the time and I was, and I felt like that got in the way a bit.
I don't know. I just feel like such a big ball of a mess right now. I'm not even sure I know what it is I'm asking for help about. I just feel lost. Like I have no idea who I really am and how I really feel. Guess I'm just venting.
When is all of this supposed to start feeling better?????
And why in the world can I NOT stop eating chocolate????/
