Looking for something...

Old 11-09-2009, 06:37 PM
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Looking for something...

Hello Everyone~ I'm 11 months sober and I'm having some issues. I've found myself for the past few months on/off trying to rationalize a drink. I've gone from feeling fantastic some days, to thinking "what's the use" others. My emotions are all over the place and I find myself angry and resentful a lot.

I've been thinking I finally need to take that step and try therapy or meeting. Both scare me to death. I almost went to a meeting tonight but the thought of walking into the room made me sick to my stomach. Friday night I went out with Hubby and some Friends, they were drinking and I was asked why I wasn't. I simply answered "I don't drink anymore" of course the inevitable "Why" followed. So I try to say I would over do it, blah blah blah. To which "Oh but once in a while won't hurt you!" Okay, I couldn't for the life of me say "I'm a recovering alcoholic, so I no longer drink" Even typing it bothers me. Thinking of saying it out loud even to someone I trust made me feel ashamed. Yes, I still feel that when I think of the label "alcoholic"

I don't know what my point is, I know it doesn't even sound like I have one. I just know I'm feeling bad and if I don't do something to deal with these feelings I'm heading to a relapse, which I DO NOT WANT!!!!! As much as I have tried to convince myself I'd be okay to drink again, I know deep down if I pick up I won't be. I know I will start destructing all over again and I know it will be bad. But right now being sober just feels like being sober, not being happy or feeling good. I thought after this amount of time it would get easier, but it seems the closer I get to my 1 year sober the more I want to throw it all away.

I hope I made sense, I guess I really just need to talk to someone who understands...
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Old 11-09-2009, 06:49 PM
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Hi Mariposa,

I'm glad you posted. Congratulations on 11 sober months!

And, I'm glad you recognize that having one drink would lead to so much more.

One thing I wonder, is what else have you changed in your life since you stopped drinking? I was pretty low when I stopped drinking, and it was clear to me that I needed to change myself from the inside out. I wasn't sure of the way, but I knew I was no longer the same person.

If people ask me if I want a drink, I really, really try to stick with 'No thanks', which doesn't lead to anymore questions. My decision to not drink is mine, and it's very, very personal. But, that doesn't mean I'm ashamed. And, I hope you can get past that, too. We all have lessons to learn in this life, and this is the path that I am taking. It's not one I would have chosen, but I have learned so much about myself and about life. Be proud that you have stayed sober for 11 months!
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:00 PM
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Mariposa - I'm glad you posted it. Congratulations on your 11 months sober. I have had those feelings about it wasn't that bad and maybe I could have just 1 too. I then realize that because this disease is progressive that the 1 drink will probably be enough to do me in and I might not make it back from a relapse. I am talking my story on this because I am totally honest when I say I HAVE HAD THESE THOUGHTS. A relapse is scary. Sure there is a chance that it will be a one night stand and you'll bounce back, but what if it isn't? That's the question without an answer for me and that's why I haven't wanted to test it.

I feel like this - I'm 43 years old and I started drinking when I was 16 years old. I steadily drank from my late 20s until I was 36 years old and gave it up for 9 months. You can guess why. I then picked up again and drank every night until I quit for good. I think I have had enough alcohol to power up many establishments. I also think of the damage I have done to my body and the further damage I would be doing to my relationships and it isn't worth it.

I hope you play the tape out as they say because that's what has helped me.
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:23 PM
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Mariposa, I remember early in my recovery...stopping was the first step and figuring how to stay stopped was the next...I was determined but I knew I couldn't do it on my own...I was broken but I knew I had to give everything I had to climb out of that pit I had dug for myself...

once I stopped using, I began to understand how much I had lost and how much work I had to do to rebuild my life...between therapy and my spiritual program, lots and lots of tears and really hard work I eventually got my life back....and I could not have done it without my program...

Going to meetings and doing therapy IS scary for all of us...I was terrified in the beginning....but I wanted my life back more than not being terrified....I knew I did not have a choice.....

Like I said before, I think you are doing great, just keep moving forward, and, oh! congratulations on your sobertime
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Old 11-09-2009, 09:39 PM
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Congrats on yr 11 months and already know what I think

Don't let fear stop you from doing the stuff you need to do to stop this relapse.

However difficult therapy or meetings seem to you, most of that is fear of the unfamiliar, yeah?....

you already know how difficult drinking can get....going back to drinking (and stopping again) can be, and for me was, way way more difficult than what recovery ultimately turned out to be.

Now is the time to act Mariposa. Pls do
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Old 11-09-2009, 09:53 PM
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"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."
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Old 11-09-2009, 10:35 PM
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HI Maripose, congrats on YOUR 11 months. I think this might help.

GO TO the NEAREST AA MEETING TOMMOROW and get involved with others that are dealing with this disease.

I did it on my own for one year before and it was one of the worst in my history. Im lucky to have survived it with the sanity I have
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Old 11-09-2009, 11:29 PM
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This is a very big red flag for you!

Why the aversion to therapy (excuse the pun) or meetings? is it just that you are scared? If so i was the same before going to a counselor, but in the end i had to...and then i went to AA and love it:-) I remember going to a meeting at the beginning of the year, i absolutely hated it, stared at the table the whole time, they handed round this laminated A4 which they read at the beginning of every meeting (How it works), i was told you don't have to read and can pass it on but a lady i knew was there and, whilst i was staring at it, coughed whilst saying 6 (as in read step 6) i did quickly and passed it on...then, at the end, they said the serenity prayer whilst holding hands tound the group, wasn't used to that at all (i mean c'mon by the time i had gone there i didn't want people looking at me, let alone touching me?!) and the guy to my left who had been sober about 20 yrs squeezed my hand at the end of it to try and encourage me. Then we all went for coffee and i proceeded to launch into a soliloquy on how i was such a great guy and how serious i was about going to AA...never went back and things got loads worse! Oh yeah, there was this pretty young american girl there too from AA, at the coffee shop and she tried to grab my attention by waving from across the room so i pretended i could not see and stared off into i was ashamed and scared, bit like a rabbit trapped in the headlights...

Ok that was in April, i had just started drinking again after 5 months abstinance (you should be scared about picking up the drink again by the way because i guarantee it will be worse than before...maybe from day 1 maybe a month later...whatever!), fast forward to July! Found a guy counselor, best thing i ever did, CBT style...not that into AA to be honest...after 5 sessions he says to me im not prepared to see you if you keep drinking (seriously!)...threw me for 6! So back to AA, straight in the doors this time, in my mind, i'm in real trouble and got a sponsor, accepted all the help that they offered and worked the steps real thorough like:-)

The 5 months not drinking, and i did a year once, were ok for the first x months as it was sooooo much better than it was when i was drinking but there came a point where i became disenchanted with not drinking and it was just a matter of time...i hadn't changed a single thing apart from stop drinking, i mean inside of myself...sure in the year i did, i started to take my privates pilot licence, got a new job, new partner, new car, took my motorcycle licence, started kickboxing lessons, went to the gym, took up new hobbiess...but i still had the crap inside from i drank, i remember when it was on the night of my first official belt in kickboxing and i was so nervous and excited i thought getting a bottle of wine would be a good idea....i got to sleep and 4am and flunked the practical...within a few months i was running away to another country lol, seriously!

Going to AA and working the steps showed me who i was and gave me the opportunity to start again with a clean sheet, it gave me a chance at living without the anger and resentments which would always lead me back to drinking eventually!

Anyways long post, if it helps great, if not that's cool too...AA does not hold the monolopoly on getting sober but you do need to find a way very soon...i still see my counselor btw he is a top guy and i am very lucky to have him!

Just remember there is a huge difference between not drinking and being sober, which, i hope, should give you a little hope in your situation;-)
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Old 11-10-2009, 04:54 AM
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Mariposa18 in my mid 20s I went a year and a half without a drink, the whole time I did nothing to change me or improve me in any way other then simply not drinking..... Well I started drinking again, within a week or 2 I was drinking just like I used to, maybe more!

about 25 years later there I sat, alone in my garage drinking even though I did not want to drink I know had to drink, it was no longer a choice, it was a physical, mental, and spiritual need to drink.

I found sobriety in AA, for me after taking the steps the obsession to drink was lifted and I have been on a spiritual journey becoming a better person, a person I am happy with.

AA is not the only way to sobriety, but it darn sure has worked for millions and it has worked for me.

Why the fear of therapy or meetings?

Perhaps the fear of the great unknown!!!

Remember that first day of school? Scared to death!!! Of What? The unknown!

Remember that first day of High school? Scared to death!!! Of What? The unknown!

Remember that first day a new job? Scared to death!!! Of What? The unknown!

In all 3 of the above after you went was the fear justified?

Do you think a therapist is going to make you do funny things?

Do you think people in the meetings are going to make you sacrifice a chicken and put it in a bag and swing it over your head while you hop on one foot?

What do you have to lose by doing either of the above? Some time?

What do you have to gain by doing either of the above? Possibly a more peaceful fullfilling life!
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Old 11-10-2009, 07:20 AM
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Congrats on the 11 months! I'm a pretty firm believer that abstinence does not in any way equal recovery.. willpower can only take you so far, but never addresses any of the reasons you drank, nor does it teach you NEW ways to live your life. You're merely surviving right now.. not thriving. I know you're scared.. I was scared sh!tless to walk into a meeting. Then I thought about it, and felt a little silly.. who did I think I was that I was any better? different? not 'as bad'? Every single person in that meeting you hopefully attend will have walked in there at some point with tears in their eyes, shaky knees, and fear that they somehow overcame, because getting WELL is more important than staying sick. Same thing with counseling.. my first session was spent balled up crying about how horrible I am and how much my life sucks and how embarrassed I was, blah blah.. luckily, my therapist had also heard all this before, waited for me to chill.. and told me that I was saving my own life, and to relax for a few minutes.

You think you're scared of recovery? How scared could you be if you started drinking again and fulfilling the 'yets' that WILL happen.. How scary do you think it is to walk into a court hearing for your first DUI? To damage relationships sometimes irreparabally with your husband, your children.. (etc), to be told by your doctor that the ill effects caused by YOUR own choices will likely make you die sooner than you ever hoped.

Maybe you're lucky, special.. nothing like that would happen to you. Or maybe you're like pretty much every other alcoholic in the world and these things will happen to you, and you know RIGHT NOW that you can prevent them completely.

I dunno, go to a meeting.. suck it up.. we're all scared sometimes, but please don't let your fears of the unknown get in the way of saving your own life.
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Old 11-10-2009, 07:26 AM
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PLEASE do not pick up a drink....

If you do and nothing serious happens, you will have to deal with the terrible guilt that follows relapse. For some, this is so painful that they go back to their destructive drinking...

There is only one way to live being alcoholic...SOBER...

You can do this.
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:47 AM
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Thanks for posting and nice to hear from you..

smacked hit on the word "abstinance"......a great word aint it......and for problem drinkers its a one time solution.
remove the alcohol and guess remove the problem...your whole world lights up and things get better.

but she also pointed out the difference between abstinance and recovery...what seperates me from joe problem drinker.

You see when i stop drinking........within a short space of time the s...t hits the whole world dont light fact it becomes unbearable.
kinda like walking through quick sand.......the more i fight and grit my teeth the deeper i get in the stuff.

Slowly over time the old time solution for me to "fit" into the world with any form of comfort becomes attractive again.
Last time terrors become a distant memory.....and i drink again to oblivion.
Cant drink with success........cant stay sober with success.
thats pretty unmanageable dont you think?

AA and the 12 steps was the only solution i found to changing lanes.....staying where i was for me meant an alcoholic death.......simple.
doing nothing made it worse........drinking made it worse......

so if im not drinking..........and its getting worse......for me that means that the problem stems and centres in my mind.
for me alcoholism is very much about what happens when im not drinking.
i wanted to end my life and i wasnt drinking......

getting a sponsor and working a program of action ie the 12 steps was the solution to my dilema.....alcoholism.
a disease that is happy to tell you "just dont drink your be fine"
When in fact its the biggest lie of them all..
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Old 11-10-2009, 10:07 AM
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Drinking was but a symptom of my alcoholism!

Drinking until I found a solution like Trucker was a Damned if I did and damned if I did not deal.
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Old 11-10-2009, 10:16 AM
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You already proved to yourself you don't need it. When the boozers ask you to drink, Just tell them you are on medication and you can't have alcohol with it. No big deal. Any normal person would say that.
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Old 11-10-2009, 10:19 AM
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Thank you to every single one of you for responding to my post. I took something from all of you and I truly appreciate it.

I apologize in advance for not personalizing my response, I didn't expect so many replies! lol

Okay, my aversion to therapy. I've tried it before, the last time I tried it the "therapist" put me on anti-depressants in the first 5 minutes of meeting me, nothing else. Our next meeting, she upped the dosage and told me I wasn't ready to talk yet (which I really needed to do and told her so) she gave me a book on sexual abuse survivors and told me to look it over and off I went. I never made it to a third appointment, the medication made me suicidal and I almost drove my car into oncoming traffic. Last year I picked up that book she gave me and began to read it. It brought up so many painful issues I drank myself into a blackout (this time last year was HORRIBLE for me). I realize not all therapist are like this one, but that experience left me pretty gun shy about doing it again.

Meetings...I know nobody will bite me there! lol I am much closer to doing that than anything else. I have no problems or issues with AA, that one is really more of a fear of the unknown than anything else.

I don't recall ever saying I'm "lucky" or "special" and saying I could drink and be okay. I know for a FACT that isn't the case. I was reading my journal from last year, how bad I was struggling to quit for good and I KNOW without a doubt picking up a drink is NOT an option. That's why I'm here. Voicing my fears and looking for support because I know I need the help and encouragement. I have NO illusions of being a person who can moderate their drinking, nor do I desire to be.

I have pushed down so many things through the years that it feels immensely overwhelming when I even think about dealing with it all. Do I want to recover from the pain and finally LIVE my life as opposed to existing? ABSOLUTELY! But when I try to do that is when I want to drink, so I push it down again. I'm not saying it makes sense, I'm just saying it's what I do. I keep being told I need to deal with the past in order to move on. But what if I don't WANT to remember what happened to me? One of my memories is of being a child and waking up naked in my bed, scared and ashamed. Why do I have to remember details in order to move on?

Again, I know I sound scattered and I know a lot of this doesn't make sense. But I can assure you I will NOT pick up without going to meetings or giving therapy another try. As scared as I am, I will NOT let that fear take me back to the bottle. NO WAY!
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Old 11-10-2009, 12:05 PM
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I don't recall ever saying I'm "lucky" or "special" and saying I could drink and be okay.
Hun, I didn't say you had inferred that, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I was simply saying maybe you are.. maybe you aren't.. and that it's up to you to do what you can to avoid anything from getting worse because you return to drinking.

I hope you find what works best for you. It sounds like you understand that the "drinking" isn't the only issue that needs to be looked at.. and there are better therapists out there, I can guarantee you that! I know you've heard the cliche's but they're true.. nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 11-10-2009, 01:31 PM
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Smacked~ I did sound snappy didn't I? Sorry Hon, I didn't mean to!!!!

I really do appreciate your input and you are totally correct, if I don't make any changes I will only continue down the same miserable path.
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Old 11-10-2009, 01:38 PM
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lol.. snappy is ok

Just by being so honest about how you're feeling, I think you're doing more than 'nothing' !!
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Old 11-10-2009, 01:53 PM
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You don't have to deal with or relive your past, you can just close that chapter of your life. There, done with that!!

Today is the first day of your new life. The life you want to live and the person you want to be has now begun. Go enjoy it, you deserve it.

You and only you, control your perception and attitudes to the people and things around you and to yourself.

With that in mind, go look in a mirror, smile and enjoy the new person you have become and embrace it. You can do or be whatever you chose to be.

Best wishes
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Old 11-18-2009, 09:18 AM
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Just wanted to let everyone know I didn't abandon this thread! lol My Daughter was sick and was admitted to the Hospital last week, now I"m sick =( BUT I have decided to give my first AA meeting a go as soon as I feel better. I've had a lot of reminders the past week as to why I'm on this journey and what it's going to take to continue to heal. I actually just spoke to a Friend whom I stopped speaking to over a total misunderstanding when I became sober. I opened myself up and let her know how much I care about her, how I will no longer lose Friends because I'm afraid of opening myself up. She was so happy that I called =) That was a huge step for me, opening myself up like that and letting someone know how I truly felt. It makes me realize I can do anything I set my mind to and I will do whatever it takes to be good to myself and continue on my path to recovery.

Thank you to every single one of you for your help and responses. As soon as I hit that meeting I will let you all know how it went!
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