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Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Originally Posted by Mariposa18 
Hello Everyone~ I'm 11 months sober and I'm having some issues. I've found myself for the past few months on/off trying to rationalize a drink. I've gone from feeling fantastic some days, to thinking "what's the use" others. My emotions are all over the place and I find myself angry and resentful a lot.
Please be so proud of what you have achieved, I know its hard but seriously keep thinking positive thoughts, focus on you, the beautiful person!
I've been thinking I finally need to take that step and try therapy or meeting. Both scare me to death. I almost went to a meeting tonight but the thought of walking into the room made me sick to my stomach. Friday night I went out with Hubby and some Friends, they were drinking and I was asked why I wasn't. I simply answered "I don't drink anymore" of course the inevitable "Why" followed. So I try to say I would over do it, blah blah blah. To which "Oh but once in a while won't hurt you!" Okay, I couldn't for the life of me say "I'm a recovering alcoholic, so I no longer drink" Even typing it bothers me. Thinking of saying it out loud even to someone I trust made me feel ashamed. Yes, I still feel that when I think of the label "alcoholic"
You have nothing to be ashamed of - the first meeting will be the scarest, it will get better, please do what your heart tells you, you dont have to explain anything to anyone hun
I don't know what my point is, I know it doesn't even sound like I have one. I just know I'm feeling bad and if I don't do something to deal with these feelings I'm heading to a relapse, which I DO NOT WANT!!!!! As much as I have tried to convince myself I'd be okay to drink again, I know deep down if I pick up I won't be. I know I will start destructing all over again and I know it will be bad. But right now being sober just feels like being sober, not being happy or feeling good. I thought after this amount of time it would get easier, but it seems the closer I get to my 1 year sober the more I want to throw it all away.
You have come so far now, keep talking to yourself, it is a life journey, you realize the outcome if you do, stay strong hun
I hope I made sense, I guess I really just need to talk to someone who understands...
Please be so proud of what you have achieved, I know its hard but seriously keep thinking positive thoughts, focus on you, the beautiful person!
I've been thinking I finally need to take that step and try therapy or meeting. Both scare me to death. I almost went to a meeting tonight but the thought of walking into the room made me sick to my stomach. Friday night I went out with Hubby and some Friends, they were drinking and I was asked why I wasn't. I simply answered "I don't drink anymore" of course the inevitable "Why" followed. So I try to say I would over do it, blah blah blah. To which "Oh but once in a while won't hurt you!" Okay, I couldn't for the life of me say "I'm a recovering alcoholic, so I no longer drink" Even typing it bothers me. Thinking of saying it out loud even to someone I trust made me feel ashamed. Yes, I still feel that when I think of the label "alcoholic"
You have nothing to be ashamed of - the first meeting will be the scarest, it will get better, please do what your heart tells you, you dont have to explain anything to anyone hun
I don't know what my point is, I know it doesn't even sound like I have one. I just know I'm feeling bad and if I don't do something to deal with these feelings I'm heading to a relapse, which I DO NOT WANT!!!!! As much as I have tried to convince myself I'd be okay to drink again, I know deep down if I pick up I won't be. I know I will start destructing all over again and I know it will be bad. But right now being sober just feels like being sober, not being happy or feeling good. I thought after this amount of time it would get easier, but it seems the closer I get to my 1 year sober the more I want to throw it all away.
You have come so far now, keep talking to yourself, it is a life journey, you realize the outcome if you do, stay strong hun
I hope I made sense, I guess I really just need to talk to someone who understands...
Mariposa, keep reaching out, there are people here to help you. I am in pain right now too but I will not go on about it. You see, yesterday I had to go to my sisters funeral, she was only 41 and alcoholism did kill her. I understand your pain, truelly I do, I know it can be so difficult, be real with yourself, ask for help, keep in touch with those who are positive on your side. Love Joanne
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,055
Well....I did it. I went to my first AA meeting today =) I tried to go last night, made it to the parking lot and out of the car only to turn around and leave! But this morning I made it all the way in the room. Everyone was so nice, so welcoming. The first time I introduced myself I only said my name, nothing else. Later on as the meeting when on and I listened, I related to a lot that was said. I actually ended up sharing, which surprised me to no end because I was not planning on it. I said my name, followed by "and I'm an alcoholic" I paused for a second and realized it was the first time I had said that out loud. I said so to the group and they all clapped for me. It felt good and so surreal. I don't remember a lot of the meeting since I was so anxious! My hands were shaking so bad when I got there I couldn't even hold my coffee. But I went, I got the Big book and the 12 steps and traditions book. They gave me a list of numbers, this group meets at 10am tues, wed and thurs. I will go again tomorrow.
I'm glad I went...so glad I went.
ETA: They asked if any newcomers would like to be part of the program and accept a white chip. I raised my hand and did so. The woman who handed it to me gave me a huge hug, everyone clapped =) Next week I'll have a year sober and I can't wait to accept my red chip with this group.
I'm glad I went...so glad I went.
ETA: They asked if any newcomers would like to be part of the program and accept a white chip. I raised my hand and did so. The woman who handed it to me gave me a huge hug, everyone clapped =) Next week I'll have a year sober and I can't wait to accept my red chip with this group.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 52,129
Hi Mari - I'm just reading this for the first time, too. Everything you said in the beginning of this thread made perfect sense, and I was about to say you should take it to the next level (a meeting) & then I saw you've gone. That's wonderful!
This is what I keep dragging my feet on. SR got me sober & kept me that way for 1 yr & 10 mos. I intended to go to meetings for extra support, but still haven't made it. I have been in the past, but they were court ordered & my heart was definitely not in it at that time. I usually feel very strong and determined, but then there'll be the day I'll let my mind wander & think - "I wonder what would happen if I had one or two?" I'm so glad you had a good experience.
This is what I keep dragging my feet on. SR got me sober & kept me that way for 1 yr & 10 mos. I intended to go to meetings for extra support, but still haven't made it. I have been in the past, but they were court ordered & my heart was definitely not in it at that time. I usually feel very strong and determined, but then there'll be the day I'll let my mind wander & think - "I wonder what would happen if I had one or two?" I'm so glad you had a good experience.
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