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Failure

Old 10-26-2009, 06:48 PM
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Failure

I'm on day 8 sober. I've forced myself not to drink for 8 days. But I know I need to turn my life around completely for this to work, and that, I know I'm not going to be able to do. In two weeks, I have got to go to New Orleans for a college reunion. Then in December, an all inclusive in Mexico, which I've been planning for a year. I didn't think about that stuff last week, but now I am, and I know whats going to happen. Last night, I tried to call my friends and tell them I wasn't going to be drinking. I tried, and failed. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, I can't get through those without telling everyone what's going on, and I can't do that. Strangers on the internet, sure? Them? I can't.

I got off work early for me today, around 7. And I could think of nothing to do but drink. So many of you talk about doing this for a spouse, or kids, but I have nothing in my life but work. I moved to this city for this job, and I have no friends or family here, and I have no hobbies or interests of any kind anymore. I found an AA meeting, walked to it, then walked away, went to the store, bought a bottle of wine and a 6 pack of beer. I haven't touched them yet. Maybe I'll drink them, maybe I won't, but sooner or later, I will fail.

So many of you have written to me that I thought I owed you this post. So many of you have overcome real hardship and pain, I am in awe. I have literally no problems not of my own making. I have a loving family, a good job, and good friends. They would all do anything to help me if I let them. But I won't let them, because inside, I am rotten. They would pity me, and I don't deserve pity. Everything I've done is my own choice and my own decision, and I've let all of this happen for no reason other than my own selfishness. Thanks so much for listening, and best of luck in your recovery.
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Old 10-26-2009, 06:51 PM
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The AA meeting will still be there when you are done, it's OK
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Old 10-26-2009, 06:56 PM
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I am back on Day 0 now.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:08 PM
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Hi Malcolms

I was where you are for years.
It's not about doing it for spouses or kids, or anyone else...we have to believe we're worth the effort.

Even when I quit it was because I had to or die, not because I believed I was worth it.
Don't end up down that end of the road like me.

I learned I wasn't rotten, or hopeless, or whatever - I was addicted.

Think carefully about what you're doing and where you'll end up.

Reach out - whether it's to yr friends or to strangers in a recovery programme...make some changes, malcolms.

D
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:13 PM
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I wish I could convince you that you deserve the good life sobriety would give you. Please don't tell yourself that you're going to fail. Don't try to make failure a self-fulfilling prophesy. Start over. Do something different. Get back up on the wagon and stay sober one day at a time.

You deserve a better life.:ghug3
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:17 PM
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Thanks, all of you. Maybe I'll be ready at some point.

I'm going to disconnect my computer now. This could get ugly and I'd rather not have a record of it. Thanks again.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:19 PM
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Hi Malcolm,

It sounds to me like you're putting way too much importance on things outside of yourself. Getting sober is an inside job, and I had to figure out that I needed to do it for myself.

You're not a bad person. Alcoholism is not a character defect. It's a disease and it will ruin every good thing in our lives, if we don't stop it.

I hope you find that the reasons to stop drinking become more important than the reasons for drinking. Trust me, you can get through Christmas, all-inclusive holidays, cruises, reunions and everything else in life without drinking.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:25 PM
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Most have to try numerous times before any real progress is made. You can pick your own bottom. Keep trying and you will be successful. It's the most over used cliche; but one day at a time really does have the power to take us to a better place.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:35 PM
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I know this may sound harsh, but here goes: It seems like the people who have it hardest are the people who are still stuck in the pity party. "Poor me, I suck, nobody likes me, I have no friends and no way of finding any, I think I'll eat some worms" ... blah blah blah. The folks who decide it's time to quit are usually the ones who say, "You know what? My life sucks, and I got myself here. And I'm going to get myself out."

Pretty sure you're still in the pity party stage, Malcolms. (Been there myself, so I know of what I speak ...) You'll have more success when you get to the other stage.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:42 PM
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Penny Lane is in my eyes and ears... Great
post. Pick that bottom mr. Original poster. We are here to help, meet us half way.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:24 PM
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Well if you read this.. know we'll still be here if you decide to come back.

If I kept looking for excuses to stay a drunk, I'd be dead by now.

I hope that's not your path.

Take care!
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Old 10-27-2009, 05:00 AM
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Pride in reverse

Malcombs, it appears that you are suffering from pride in reverse. You believe that you are not worthy of grace. Please learn to love something about yourself...and build on this. No one is either all good [U]or[U] all bad. This mind set can ultimately be your demise, as it was my father's in 1980. He, too, thought that he could never be worthy. He gave up on himself. Please don't quit before the miracle happens. Thank you for your honesty to the group. John in Oklahoma
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:14 AM
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Nothing really to add here Malcoms, I too have been there, heck I may have said "I think I'll eat some worms" too!

When I really became willing to accept my problems fully as my own, reach out my hand, ask for help and follow some simple suggestions, and get off of my pity pot, I slowly found out that I was not that bad a guy, that I was able to make friends if I put forth some effort by erasing that facade I threw up and simply spoke to folks.
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:33 AM
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It's not for anyone else but you. You have to know you're worth it. No one should "pity" you. It's not about pity. If you need help and you know you'll get it, you shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. I know that's hard to do but getting sober does take some work and if people are willing to help you.........

As for the plans and traveling, my view on that is this, if I'm thinking I'm going to end up drinking, I don't go. I have done two holiday seasons now and on my way to my third and I won't be drinking. I can rationalize it to myself "but it's the holidays, everyone is doing it", but really, that's not a good enough reason.

Last year I laid on my friend's couch in his house where there was beer and wine in the fridge and liquor bottles hanging out in the kitchen. I was bawling my eyes out because I was just plain sad and depressed. I didn't pick up and get drunk because I KNEW it wasn't worth it. And for me it didn't matter that it was right there within reach because if it weren't, I could have just as easily walked right out the door and could have gotten my own supply.

It's choices my friend. You have choices today and you can do whatever you want. So if you want good things for yourself, you just have to make the right choice for you.

Good luck. I know you're struggling, I've been there too. But you can do this!!
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:54 AM
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malcolms ... I can say that I really do understand where you are at. I am on day 2... and perhaps the 900th attempt at being sober. I understand that fact that there is really nothing "wrong" with your life. There is nothing wrong with mine either... that is if you don't count the fact that about once every three months I will blackout from drinking to much (blackout only if I am lucky...)... If I am unlucky things turn really bad.

But, on the outside I really do have it all together... I have a great job, good friends, a wonderful husband, a house that most would kill for. But, the Sunday... was that once every three months... and I refuse to allow that to be what my life is. I deserve better... .and getting sober for me... is totally a selfish act. It is hard because I want to say "I am worth this...".... and I have done that so very little in life...

So, I am on day two... and hopefully will make it to day three.

Saliena
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Old 10-27-2009, 07:02 AM
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just one thing,, dont expect failure because fail you will
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Old 10-27-2009, 07:22 AM
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Stay safe Malcolms
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Old 10-27-2009, 07:25 AM
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Hands up- HUGE worm-eater here! When you decide to participate in life again, I hope you'll be as relieved as I was to find sobriety. It has it's up and down, but very little vomited and NO hangovers.
Day 0 isn't so bad. Everybody needs a place to start. Good luck xxox
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Old 10-27-2009, 07:41 AM
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Start over

Originally Posted by Malcolms View Post
I am back on Day 0 now.
You can just start over again, relapse is part of this disease. Don't let one night or nights discourage you from the reasons you wanted sobriety to begin with. There has to be a reason you want to quit.


Good Luck!
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