Failure
I'm on day 8 sober. I've forced myself not to drink for 8 days. But I know I need to turn my life around completely for this to work, and that, I know I'm not going to be able to do. In two weeks, I have got to go to New Orleans for a college reunion. Then in December, an all inclusive in Mexico, which I've been planning for a year. I didn't think about that stuff last week, but now I am, and I know whats going to happen. Last night, I tried to call my friends and tell them I wasn't going to be drinking. I tried, and failed. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, I can't get through those without telling everyone what's going on, and I can't do that. Strangers on the internet, sure? Them? I can't.
I got off work early for me today, around 7. And I could think of nothing to do but drink. So many of you talk about doing this for a spouse, or kids, but I have nothing in my life but work. I moved to this city for this job, and I have no friends or family here, and I have no hobbies or interests of any kind anymore. I found an AA meeting, walked to it, then walked away, went to the store, bought a bottle of wine and a 6 pack of beer. I haven't touched them yet. Maybe I'll drink them, maybe I won't, but sooner or later, I will fail.
So many of you have written to me that I thought I owed you this post. So many of you have overcome real hardship and pain, I am in awe. I have literally no problems not of my own making. I have a loving family, a good job, and good friends. They would all do anything to help me if I let them. But I won't let them, because inside, I am rotten. They would pity me, and I don't deserve pity. Everything I've done is my own choice and my own decision, and I've let all of this happen for no reason other than my own selfishness. Thanks so much for listening, and best of luck in your recovery.