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Old 10-04-2009, 08:29 PM
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Scared

Hi Everyone - I'm new to the forum, and could really use some advice and point of view. I'm 26 y.o. guy who had his first drink when he started college at 17. Since then, I've had my ups and downs with alcohol. Whenever I drink, I find it hard to stop, or even slow down. For a period of 2-3 years in my early 20s, I blacked out about twice a month. This past weekend, I had about 10 drinks and blacked out - the last thing I remember about the night it getting something to eat, and then abruptly leaving the restaurant.

I woke up the next morning with with all of my belongings, but a lot of things were scattered around my apartment. I don't remember how I got home at all. I don't remember what I said to the people I was hanging out with, and I'm ashamed to admit that. I'm really scared that I did or said something stupid, or 'out of character'. It's been 2 days now, and I still feel really hungover, and have ridiculous amounts of anxiety about the event. I feel incredible amounts of guilt - how did I become this person? How did I let this happen to me again? I'm very concerned that I've ruined my reputation. I'm a really nice, polite guy when I'm sober - but when I'm drunk, I can say really mean, uncalled for things. I'm afraid I did or said things that might compromise my reputation with my friends and colleagues.

I guess I'm not sure I have a question - I guess I want to know whether or not things will be ok. I feel lonely, scared, and confused. I wish I could go back to feeling the way I did before that evening happened. But I can't -

I really need advice about how to move forward from this - I'm really beating myself up over this, and I don't know how to stop.

Any and all thoughts are welcome -
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Old 10-04-2009, 08:34 PM
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Welcome!!!

I can't tell you if things will be okay or not.

Do you have a question that's a little more specific than the 'moving forward' thing?
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Old 10-04-2009, 08:39 PM
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I guess I want to know whether or not I have a problem. I drink about 3 times a month, and each time, I have around 10 drinks. I usually regret drinking for about 4-5 days afterwards, and experience extreme amounts of anxiety and guilt. I often think I should stop, not just for myself, but for my family. I can't imagine the pain my parents would feel if they knew I was drinking like this - I confide in my sister, but there's a limit to how much support she can give me. I keep messing up. For all intents and purposes, I am successful - but I fear that alcohol is going to ruin everything I've worked so hard for. I usually feel really happy when I haven't been drinking - and then I start believing that I'm fine, and don't have a problem, and then I go drink too much again.

I guess I drink because I think it makes me more sociable, and likable - it makes me feel as though people enjoy my company - when in actuality, they're probably wondering why I always feel the need to get so drunk.
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Old 10-04-2009, 08:49 PM
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Yeah, I would say you have a problem. The problem is commonly referrred to as 'alcoholism'.

Michigan Alcohol Screening Test

Being from Michigan, am partial to this particular test, there are a lot of them out there.

Alcoholism will destroy you and everything you've worked for if you allow it. And send you to hell in the process.
The good news, it's pretty simple to treat, though not easy.


Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Last edited by CarolD; 10-05-2009 at 01:23 AM. Reason: By request from OP
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:04 PM
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Hi eternallife

Many of us have been where you are - blackouts are scary - and distressing...and, in my experience, once they occur they tend to keep reoccurring.

The one sure way to move on is to make sure they never happen again - and the one sure way to do that is to not drink - but the good news is you're not alone

You'll find a lot of support here - welcome.
D
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:21 PM
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Thanks very much for the kind words of support, guidance, and welcome. I'm really glad this forum exists.
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:27 PM
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:29 PM
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Welcome Eternallife. You described the way I used to drink when I was your age. Thing is, I didn't stop then. I took a long journey to hell and back. You never have to go there.

It isn't how often you drink, but what alcohol does to you when you do. Once I had it in my system there was no telling what would happen. I only drank on weekends once, but over time I grew tolerant of it. In the end, the amounts I could drink and still be standing were incredible. Drinking to be sociable and have fun on weekends turned into 24/7 drinking in the end. In my heart I always knew I was playing with fire, but I refused to do anything to stop it. You are taking the first step in coming here for help and advice - this is your fork in the road. Please let us know how you're doing.
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:32 PM
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Hi there and welcome! I'll let the experts on here give you the advice (I still consider myself a newbie) but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in those feelings you have. The times I have felt the most scared in life are the times after I have been heavily drinking. The shame, the guilt, etc. I can totally relate. You'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:39 PM
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Thanks for the response Hevyn. In my heart of hearts, I know I'm playing with fire. Nothing good or lasting ever results from my drinking episodes - just a terrible hangover, confusion, and wasted days. When I go out and drink, I always believe that I'll make some great friendships, be the life of the party, or maybe meet a nice girl to ask out on a date. What ends up happening is quiet the opposite - none of those wonderful things happen - I end up home (if I'm lucky), alone, and devastated. I probably drink as much as I do because I'm lonely and want to be liked. For some reason I refuse to believe that people like 'sober me'. I fear it's because I don't actually like 'sober me', and that drinking allows me to become cool, confident, and charming. In actuality, I end up a slurring baffoon.

I'm 1 day sober at this point - I have no idea how I'm going to get through this - I've tried so many times before. only to end up convincing myself that I don't have a problem. All I know is, I never want to feel the way I did on this past Saturday - it was the most horrible and pathetic moment I've had in quiet a while
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:54 PM
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A slurring buffoon - yup, been there. I know exactly how you feel. I've been through all of that. I'm shy & self-conscious, & when I discovered alcohol it seemed like such a blessing. I never wanted to acknowledge what it was doing to me, though - the way you are. Be thankful.

I recognize how difficult it is being young and having to make the decision to stop all together. The way you describe what happens to you when you drink is scary. You are putting yourself in danger - and as you said, nothing good comes of it. Because I refused to see what I was doing to myself, I ended up with 3 DUI's, ruined finances, poor health, destroyed relationships - the list goes on. You never have to go there. We are rooting for you. Are you considering trying AA meetings?
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Old 10-04-2009, 11:43 PM
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Welcome to SR!

I too can relate to a lot of things you said, the blackouts, confusion, other stuff.

Can't tell you if it'll be okay. Hope so, hope so for all of us.

Stay around some, keep posting & take care of yourself.

-TB
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Old 10-05-2009, 12:31 AM
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Please read this link...blackouts are explained
on # 19 but there is other interesting information

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

The only way I stopped my self destruction was to abstain.

Wellcome to SR...
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Old 10-05-2009, 12:34 AM
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Hi and welcome,
I can relate to everything you are saying. I'm a few years older than you and I can tell you that it only gets worse if you don't stop. The shame you are feeling about your most recent drunken evening... I've probably experienced that a hundred times. I can't tell you how many mornings I've woken up to frantically check my email, Facebook, phone, etc to try to piece together what sort of fool I made of myself the night before. It's a terrible feeling, but the good news is you never have to go there again!
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Old 10-05-2009, 05:50 AM
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really need advice about how to move forward from this - I'm really beating myself up over this, and I don't know how to stop.
I was where you are at right now at about the same age, but I continued on and being an alcoholic it got worse!

I reached the point where I did not draw a sober breath for 5 years, I drank when I did not want to drink because in order to feel "Normal" I had to drink every day.

Do some reading about the progression of alcoholism, you will find that if one is an alcoholic the longer one drinks the worse it gets, it never gets better or levels off, it always gets worse, the only way to stop the progression of it is to totally abstain from drinking.

Why not take this test Alcoholics Anonymous : Is A.A. For You? along with some others just to give you a chance to decide if you are an alcoholic.

If you decide that you are an alcoholic then the best thing to do is to stop drinking and STAY stopped.

If you find that you can not stay stopped then the sooner you realize that the quicker I would suggest you find a recovery program and work it to the best of your ability.

I use the program and fellowship of AA to not only stay sober, but to live life to it's fullest sober. There are other programs, choose one and WORK it! Work it FULLY, not half way, half measures in dealing with alcoholism avail us NOTHING!
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:16 AM
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Welcome to SR! You'll find lots of support here and lots of good info. If you haven't already, you might want to consult your doctor for help in quitting drinking. You are wise to want to stop drinking now, before it gets worse - and if you continue to drink, it WILL get worse.

I'm glad you found us and joined the family!
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:52 AM
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:47 AM
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Another welcome and another voice to say, This is a progressive thing full of self-delusion. I've been a "functional alcoholic," I've stayed sober for a time and convinced myself I didn't have a problem. I've spent Lord only knows how much of my time, money, energy on drinking. I can even remember asking myself once if I loved anybody or anything but the bottle.

Deal with it now. Find something that works for you and work it! Don't waste any more of your precious life on this pernicious addiction.

You've found a good place to start.
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Old 10-05-2009, 12:29 PM
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Take it from a former binge drinker, there is nothing to be gained by
continuing on the path you are on. The fact that you say you have tried to stop
before tells me you know there's a problem. Unfortunately, because you're not
falling down drunk every day, other people generally see you as a "hard partyer", not
someone with a drinking problem. That's how my drinking continued for far too long...

You've come to the right place to explore different methods of stopping. The forums here
are invaluable, full of wisdom and comraderie. You are not alone. Here you can be brutally honest with yourself and really face your demons with others who have faced theirs.

Wecome! Share your story... There will always be someone here who can learn from your experience, strength and hope.


(As an aside, you might want to let your sister off the hook with your "secret". That can be a heavy burden for someone to carry around and can cause family problems later where you never intended. She might be happy to hear you have signed on here?)
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Old 10-07-2009, 08:59 PM
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I've attempted to follow up with people I drank with that night to inquire about 'what happened?' - and the only answers I've gotten are, 'you were a ******* wreck', and that I acted 'strange', and it's better that I 'don't remember'.

These answers concern me greatly: My sister asked me why the hell I even emailed the people I drank with to ask what happened. She thinks that I should stop drinking and just move on this past event. For me it's not that easy - I really, really need to know what happened so I can apologize and correct the incorrect perceptions of who I am. My sister keeps asking me why I care so much about what other people think, or why I even want to know what happened. The truth is, I'm scared I acted so out of character, that my reputation in grad school, and the entire future of my professional life is compromised. To make matters worse, my sister told my parents that I drank to the point of black out again - my father retired today - I cannot begin to think about the stress this has put on this mind. I have no where to turn to - no one to talk to, and I'm smack in the middle of finals week. I don't know what to do. I haven't had a drink since - and the thought of drinking scares the **** out of me. I don't know why I've done this to myself. I have such a good life, and I've now fallen 5 steps down the ladder I struggled to climb. Sometimes I wonder what in the world is wrong with me - and why I couldn't be born a normal individual - why am I this way.
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