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Old 10-07-2009, 08:12 PM
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I'll let you in on a little secret eternallife, every single one of us - alcoholics or no - have moments when we literally cringe inside over something we've said or done in the past. And it hits you at the oddest moments, like when you're in the shower merrily scrubbing along and "omg-cringe-ugh-cringe-geez-cringe".

It's a part of living life.

That said, the best I can do is to try and never do whatever it was that I cringe over again.
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Old 10-07-2009, 08:37 PM
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Alcoholism is a lonely place. I'm the verge of having my sister never speak to me again - and my parents becoming heartbroken all over again. The majority of my grad student friends don't even know I have a problem - I hope they never find out. It will be lonely not going to parties in the near future - It will be lonely completely socially disconnecting myself from everything that I know. I just can't imagine going to a party and having fun at it if I don't drink. I can't imagine my family would trust me to go anyhow.

I regret emailing and asking the people I drank with about, "what I did" - why did I put myself at their mercy? They could basically say anything, and I wouldn't be able to confirm or deny it - am I some kind of glutton for shame and humiliation? Shouldn't I just move on and thank God that I wasn't arrested for anything and somehow made it home to my bed that night?

Why am I obsessing? Why do I care so much?
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Old 10-07-2009, 09:46 PM
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The 4-5 day sober period is due to the alcohol induced chemical reactions in the brain subsiding and the brain starts wanting that alcohol fix again. Then we drink and of course can't just have one or two drinks, right?

I really didn't drink much in graduate school because of the school demands, but I made up for it once I completed school and started working.

Then I didn't gain sobriety until I was 40; why, because I was close to hitting a bottom which in my case was losing my family.

The fact that you are 26 and sense that you have a drinking problem is a big plus for you from the standpoint that you are pretty young. Good for you for asking the questions now.

Do you have access to any kind of counseling? If so, you may want to see about getting a chemical dependency evaluation to see where you are at.

Your last post contains a lot of questions that require some soul searching and probably support to find the answers. An AA meeting may be a good place to start.

Take care and by the way, this is a fantastic place for support and advice.

Dave
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Old 10-07-2009, 10:00 PM
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I felt so alone and lonely when I was using drugs and alcohol.

I stopped and now I'm not alone anymore.

You may be obsessing because deep down you realize to continue like this will kill you (or someone else) It's highly dangerous. Addiction/alcoholism is all about obsession and compulsion.

You have a conscience and probably truly don't want to hurt those you love and those who love you, and you will if you keep it up. Most of all you are harming yourself.

It's a blessing you are fairly young and can see the insanity of it all. You can stop the insanity!

There is hope and there is help!

There is no shame in getting help.

Welcome to SR!

Sincerely,
Missy

Last edited by Missybuns; 10-07-2009 at 10:16 PM.
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Old 10-07-2009, 10:57 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I think your sister is right, eternallife - believe me I understand the need to 'know' - but even if you were to find out, so what?

You'd not feel any better, and the bottom line is whatever you did, it's done - and can't be undone.

I don't mean to sound harsh - I just know how utterly futile it is to worry about what might have happened - or what might happen to your reputation.
Do yourself a big favour - stop looking backwards - put all your energy into today, not yesterday.

I was obsessed with knowing - for me the obsession was tied into my need to control things...and if left unchecked it usually led back to the biggest control mechanism of all - the bottle.

The one surefire way to make real amends is to make sure you never have to apologise for drunken actions again...and there's only one certain way to do that.

The good thing is? People do forget - especially if you change your life and show them you're committed to positive change.

Don't worry about loneliness - changing your life means changes - but none of us would still be doing this if the changes were negative

Your main focus needs to be stop drinking.
The rest has a nifty way of falling into place after that

D
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Old 10-08-2009, 12:29 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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It is wise to be scared of alcohol, for it is a powerful drug. The fact that it is a drug needs to be emphasized, because therein lies the reason for the crazy behavior we experience and exhibit while intoxicated, we are under the influence of a powerful drug. In and of itself, it is merely a beverage, but it is the effect that alcohol has on us that is baffling. We do not black out, do silly, mean or hateful things when drinking a gallon of milk, or ice tea. Eliminate the drug, and we can eliminate the adverse effects of it in our lives. Many of us need considerable help in the elimination of this addiction, and it is an addiction, contrary to what many believe. We become addicted to alcohol, maybe not daily, or hourly like the breath we breath, but many of us became so entrapped that a sober breath was few and far between in the later stages of our progression. You have the gift of youth, and can eradicate many years of misery from your life by seeking help now in learning how to be a well-rounded guy who does not need a social lubricant to feel at ease with life and with others. These are skills we learn, like history and biology, we have to learn about ourselves and what really makes us tick, without any reliance on outside stimuli, such as alcohol or other drugs. It is not easy to learn these things, so we must stay focused, which is one reason why the help of others is so crucial, it helps us stay on track and learn from hard experience those things which do not work for us and do not enrich our lives.

Fortunately, as millions of recovering individuals can attest, life can truly be a wonderful experience. It is not easy, but the hard work pays huge dividends if we stay the course, and avoid the bars and pitfalls associated with alcohol. One last note, no really together lady would like to say, "Well, I knew he was a drunk, had blackouts and the like, but I married him anyway." Staying sober improves your chances at really being the man you want to be.
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Old 10-08-2009, 10:19 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post

I was obsessed with knowing - for me the obsession was tied into my need to control things...and if left unchecked it usually led back to the biggest control mechanism of all - the bottle.

D

I think this is what might be happening to me. I feel the need to 'know' everything because I want to somehow regain the element of control I lost during this drinking episode. I know for sure I have issues with control, and that's something I'll have to gain a better understanding of through some soul searching and therapy.

You're absolutely right though - there really is no point to trying to find out about what happened - what's done is done. That said, it's really hard to live with the mystery. Truth be told, this has happened to me a hundred times before, and somehow or another, things end up blowing over. I consider myself incredibly lucky. I know that this luck will run out one day - no lucky streak lasts forever. I guess I'm just horrified about the fact that it might have run out this past weekend. I'm mortified about the possibility that this time I pushed things too far.

The reality is, the only person that cares 100% about me, is me. I have a warm and loving family, but, their love, while unconditional, can be strained by my acts of self destruction. Beyond my parents, and a handful of caring friends, the rest of the world doesn't care - and why should they? The people I drank with last weekend have probably already forgotten about things, and if they haven't, they will forever think what they will think about me and that evening - there's absolutely nothing I can do about that now.

I guess I'm realizing that I have to take care of myself. At the end of the day - it's just me, and nobody else. No one will think twice about the promising young man who turns into a slurring stumbling drunk because they're busy living their own lives.

I think that self-improvement can't come from a fear of what others think about you - I think it has to come from a fear of what you believe about yourself and your actions. It's just hard to come to terms that this other side of me exists - one that is so reckless - someone who easily throws caution to the wind and doesn't think about the big picture.

The truth is, I don't want to die young. I don't want to die emotionally. I want people to respect me. If I keep drinking alcohol - I'll keep being an incredibly selfish person. There are people out there in this world who can see the 'real me' deep inside - and I bet they wonder why I'm not him.

I bet they wonder why I can't seem to care about the fact that they love me.
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Old 10-08-2009, 02:50 PM
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For me, fear was a good initial motivator - the fear of not wanting to die got me here - but it fades over time - and it's not a particularly positive motivation...

who do you want to be, eternallife? Focus on that 'real me' and give him a chance

and yeah the bottom line is the buck stops with us - but noone does this alone
We've all been here - we understand - and, as odd as it may sound? We do care what what happens to you...it's what makes this place work

D
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Old 10-10-2009, 04:06 PM
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So I lasted a whopping 5 days. I drank again last night - and while it wasn't as bad as last weekend's ordeal, I certainly got drunk and acted out of character. While I remember the whole evening, and nothing bad happened, I still feel bad.

Something very strange happened to me in the hours leading up to taking that first sip. I had major, major anxiety - to the point where I was dry heaving into the sink. I know for a fact that the anxiety came from the anticipation of going out to a party later that evening. It was an actual, bodily feeling I had - I don't know if it was fear, or thirst. I think the high degree of anxiety and anticipation is a sign of my addiction. It was such a scary feeling, that I almost didn't go out - I was afraid of how much I'd drink again, and new for certain that I would not be able to abstain.

Now, I'm a 26 year old guy, single, and looking to have an active, and healthy social life. I feel as though in order to do this, I have to go to parties. The reality is, if I hadn't gone yesterday, I wouldn't have missed out on anything. What weird is my anxiety level shoots up when I'm around alcohol, or even when I think about it. I'm no longer myself. I want to meet a nice girl, and be in a happy healthy relationship, and I feel as though I have to go out to parties in order to make this happen. The problem is, I get drunk at these parties. If I avoid parties all together to avoid drinking, I won't have a social life.

I'm beginning to think that I need to redefine what I believe to be "social". I think that there's something kind of anti-social about parties where everyone is drinking. I don't want to need a social lubricant just to hang out with people. Maybe I need to find new activities, and hang out with people I like during the day doing healthy activities. The funny thing is, my parents have been telling me this for years - but it's only now that I'm starting to think about how it really makes sense. I want a happy, stable life, and if that means not going to parties, then I'll stop going. I'll just have to find another way to be social and connect with people.

I'm visiting my parents today - they know I am hungover - and I think it makes them sad that I still haven't changed. It makes me sad that I still haven't changed. I want to change today. I need to change today. I just can't take this anymore.
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Old 10-10-2009, 04:16 PM
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Change is never about just stopping something -- it's about stopping one thing and starting another.

Find the location of the nearest AA meeting and just give it a try. It's one hour -- see what happens.

You've got nothing to lose.
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Old 10-10-2009, 04:53 PM
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I am You and You are Me

Hi EternalLife,

Your original post (OP) could have been written by me 12 years ago. You and I are both Bingers.

Scary to wake up at some point in the course of a 24-hour day and not be able to remember what you did last night, isn't it?

And especially when you know you did something "bad" in front of other people and you're panicking trying to figure out what exactly it was.

And especially when you wake up with your face all black and blue. Or puke all over your self.

And especially when your car is in front of the house and you just KNOW you drove to that party last night so SOMEONE must have driven it home. Oh, and there are the keys: right on the floor.

And especially when you walk downstairs and find ALL the clothes you were wearing last night strewn from the front yard all the way up the stairs to your bedroom.

Oh, and this one is the BEST: Especially when you wake up swerving across three lanes of traffic, headed straight toward on-coming headlights.

I'm going to do for you what only ONE person over the course of 10 years had the courage and love to do for me when I was just about your age... EternalLife, YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC (pause for your reply) Oh, yes, you are (Read all your posts above).

Now get your butt to A.A. The phone number is in the phone book. Or, Google it with your city or county name. Look up the Where&When (schedule of meetings) and go. There is one happening right now, in one hour, in two hours, in fact, given that it's Saturday night, there will be one every other hour somewhere in Chicago for at least the next 24 hours.

GodSpeed.
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Old 10-10-2009, 05:01 PM
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At the risk of sounding like a mystic - there is no change without change.

Chris is right EL- change is not an event it's a process...it can be a long and gradual one sometimes, but the first step is that decision to resolutely stick to it, no matter what is thrown at us.

I'm glad you're thinking about it
D
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Old 10-17-2009, 10:17 PM
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Learn2Life - your reply was really helpful. I'm 8 days sober now, and am starting to feel a lot better. I get cravings, and get into rotten moods now and then - but who doesn't? All I know is, I'm 100% in control - and that's an amazing feeling. I wake up sober everyday, and I feel good. It's sometimes hard imagining never, ever drinking again - but, when I think about that goal, I don't feel dread, I feel optimism. I'm excited about the prospect of being exactly who I want to be. I have a long way to go in building up my confidence, and restoring my health, but every day that I stay sober and abstain from alcohol, I get a little bit of myself back. It's a wonderful feeling getting to know me all over again. I'd totally forgotten that I enjoy reading. I'm beginning to notice things I'd just glance over before. I turn 27 soon - and I can't think of a better gift to give myself than another sober breath.
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Old 10-18-2009, 03:42 AM
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Hi mate.

Without wanting to sound disrespectful in any way... Thankyou for your post. You have reminded me why I must never drink alcohol again. I am age 23 and I can relate to what your saying exactly.

The only solution for me is to never touch a drink of alcohol again. I am 102 days sober today.

I have been where you are at 100's of times. The shame, worry, paranoia will only get worse as your behaviour/moods get more erratic. I am an alcoholic, you sound like you maybe an alcoholic to. I carried on drinking and in-order to avoid all of the worry,paranoia of what I might have said/done in a blackout I would just drink alone for the last 2 years, that way I wouldn't have quite the worry/paranoia of people seeing me. When I wasn't alowed to drink in my room no-more and I quite frankly felt too ashamed I would go and drink alone on park benches watching the world go by and just Thinking... about life, myself, and WTF has happened to myself. The booze was my best friend, my wingman, my comfort... apart from when I was running out it was my worst enemy and my demon who I would cry over just to "feel" that feeling again.

I suggest that you go to some AA meetings and just listen and take in the advice/philosophy that you can pick up from them, I don't follow AA religiously but go to meetings when i feel I need to but I have learned a lot from them and many of the philosophies used there really will help you.

It is not the stopping drinking which is the hard part but the staying off it.

I too was a Jekyl and hyde character; very shy and well-mannered/polite when sober but when drinking I became something else (I wouldn't really remember anyway as I was always too drunk but I wouldn't want to see my behaviour played back on Video!)

Get out whilst you still can and you've still something to get out for. It will only get worse. That's a guarantee.


All the best
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Old 12-13-2009, 08:42 AM
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Hey everyone. So after my first post a month or two back, I thought I was on track to getting myself together. I was extremely scared about my drinking habit. I now know that I am a binge drinker, and have since relapsed 3 times.

Each time I did, I would convince myself that as long as a friend told me that nothing happened, and that I didn't make a complete fool out of myself, I was fine, and that I didn't have a problem. The truth is, I'm in denial of the fact that I have a drinking problem. What I'm understanding about myself now is that I'm a binge drinker. I'll go week's without a drop, isolate myself socially, and focus 110% on my work and other responsibilities. Then, out of the blue, I'll be invited to have a drink with 'friends', and I'll go. As soon as I enter the bar, I get a wave of anxiety - it's as if my mind and body are telling me, "you don't belong here!". I suppress the feeling, and have a beer anyways. Right after my first sip, I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm even more tense, and anxious about when I'll first feel buzzed, and then drunk. After I finish my first beer, I feel awful. I feel tired, disgusted with myself, and disappointed that even if I left then and there, I will have wasted the rest of my day.

This is the moment of truth that I can't seem to find control in. I have an opportunity to stop there, and remain sociable. Instead, I begin trying to quench an insatiable thirst that no amount of beers and shots will ever satisfy. I simply can't stop. That said, as soon as I'm drunk, I'm relaxed, social, and laid back... until I'm not. I reach a point when I completely drop my filter, and start saying things I wouldn't normally say. Singing songs I wouldn't normally sing.

When the bartender cuts me off, I realize that I must be pretty drunk. That said, I have no recollection of why or when they made this judgement. Usually I'm glad they did. These days, my memory is patchy at best the following morning. I suffer from severe anxiety about acting out of character, and paranoia tends to make me believe I'm worse off then I actually am.

In reality though - I should consider it a blessing that I have these feelings. I should consider it a blessing that something in my mind and body is telling me to change my ways. I should consider it a blessing my friends and family forgive me, but know that they may not always be there for me.

I want so desperately to change my life. To feel good about myself again. To have real friendships. To love. To live. But my head is stuck in the past, constantly thinking about past mistakes, things I can't change or rectify, moments etched in stone, and memories I've lost forever.

I want to change - but change is a lonely road when no one else seems to understand, or believe that I actually need to change.
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Old 12-13-2009, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by eternallife View Post
I now know that I am a binge drinker,

I have an opportunity to stop there, and remain sociable. Instead, I begin trying to quench an insatiable thirst that no amount of beers and shots will ever satisfy. I simply can't stop. That said, as soon as I'm drunk, I'm relaxed, social, and laid back... until I'm not. I reach a point when I completely drop my filter, and start saying things I wouldn't normally say. Singing songs I wouldn't normally sing.

I want so desperately to change my life.

I want to change - but change is a lonely road when no one else seems to understand, or believe that I actually need to change.

Hey, I could have written this myself 9 months ago. I have picked out what I consider to be the key passages from your post.

I now know that I'm a binge drinker? Well that much was glaringly obvious to me!! What I actually was is an alcoholic. Once I admitted 100% to my deepest, innermost core I could work on what you say you want "I want so desperately to change my life" - I desparately wanted this too and I realised that the only way in which I would ever be able to do this is to surrender to my alcoholism by admitting I am powerless over it and my life is totally unmanageable for as long as alcohol is involved in it. Thus 1 drink is too many and 100000 is not enough!! I must never take that first drink and I am OK. I am learning that i cannot do this without working a programme of recovery. It was interesting reading my last post on this thread as since then I have gotten much deeper into AA as I realised I had to do this or simply put, I would drink again and I really don't want that as I couldn't take what drinking was doing to me anymore. I was done with it.

There are many, many people who understand ie- other alcoholics/addicts. These can be found in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and on SR. meetings are free and are very welcoming. Also SR is a great resource too.


All the best
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Old 12-13-2009, 11:42 AM
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Welcome back eternal life

change *is* often a lonely road - but checking in here regularly for support, or to some other face to face support group or network can be a big help.

hope to see you around some more
D
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Old 12-13-2009, 06:05 PM
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Hi, Eternallife. It sounds like you are a member of our tribe - i.e., an alcoholic.

I just want to echo what some other people have said about trying out AA...I used to be highly skeptical of them, but I'm convinced now that AA is the only reason I'm sober and have been for four months now.

AA claims that the disease of alcoholism is too powerful to be conquered by willpower alone, and that a program of following their twelve steps and having the spiritual experience that results is just about the only surefire method for curing alcoholism. I know that many members on this board have found sobriety without using AA and that's wonderful for them...for me, though, I know I couldn't have done it without AA. So I would encourage you to give it a shot - at least try going to a meeting or two to see what you think.

And believe it or not, AA is a good place to socialize. I met
my boyfriend and have made lots of good friends through AA.

Keep us posted on how things go for you.

Stephanie
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