I've attempted to follow up with people I drank with that night to inquire about 'what happened?' - and the only answers I've gotten are, 'you were a ******* wreck', and that I acted 'strange', and it's better that I 'don't remember'.
These answers concern me greatly: My sister asked me why the hell I even emailed the people I drank with to ask what happened. She thinks that I should stop drinking and just move on this past event. For me it's not that easy - I really, really need to know what happened so I can apologize and correct the incorrect perceptions of who I am. My sister keeps asking me why I care so much about what other people think, or why I even want to know what happened. The truth is, I'm scared I acted so out of character, that my reputation in grad school, and the entire future of my professional life is compromised. To make matters worse, my sister told my parents that I drank to the point of black out again - my father retired today - I cannot begin to think about the stress this has put on this mind. I have no where to turn to - no one to talk to, and I'm smack in the middle of finals week. I don't know what to do. I haven't had a drink since - and the thought of drinking scares the **** out of me. I don't know why I've done this to myself. I have such a good life, and I've now fallen 5 steps down the ladder I struggled to climb. Sometimes I wonder what in the world is wrong with me - and why I couldn't be born a normal individual - why am I this way.