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Old 09-29-2009, 12:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Just Lying?


OK, I haven't been over here for a while, stumbled for a while and found my way again. Anyhow, that's not what this post is about.

This time, detox has been fairly simple--I've just been extremely tired all the time. So I just jumped back on track on Monday, and some things are behind...

This morning I woke up with too much to catch up, and I couldn't bring myself to do any of it--my thoughts rushed headlong into "there's no way" and from there into "it's not like it's for anything anyways, I can't possibly actually get anywhere". And then started a physical craving to get drunk, some kind of emotional thing, not like a detox thing, and to stay that way--well, actually it started as "if I take a shot, I'll snap out of this mood" and within an hour I was trying to figure what I was even doing with all this college mess. Someone like me has no business in college, and even if so, I'd never be accepted in higher higher education. I don't have enough money to make it through November, so I figured I'd take what I do have and run back to away from here--by which I mean the whiskey bottles, where I'm thinking, you don't need any money to live.

And then I got better, I think--for now at least--and I realize it's just a mask. What's considered better seems to be not thinking about all that mess and just focusing on sobriety--in other words, lying to myself and ignoring all the bad stuff. Isn't that what the liquor used to do?

And if I just focus on sobriety and not drinking and doing other things and such, when/how do I deal with all the things falling apart? I never did know how to deal with them, it's not like I stopped doing it when I started drinking. I was far too young to have problems like these... Which are probably very simple, but look big to me.

I'm not trying to be facetious, I'm trying to figure this all out.

-TB
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Old 09-29-2009, 12:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Bubba..

I think when we first become sober, that is our priority. We are saving ourselves, our very lives.

It takes some tme to strike a balance on what is necessary to accomplish each day, and our sobriety.

Today, you don't need to drink.

What do you have to accomplish today?
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Old 09-29-2009, 12:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Bubba,

I think we have to try to do both things.

We have to work on staying sober and we have to begin to deal with some of the issues in our lives, some of the messes that we made while we were drinking. I think if you make a list of what you need to do and prioritize, you can make a beginning. Decide to do one or two things each day and congratulate yourself when you do that.
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Old 09-29-2009, 01:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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TB,
You can quit this merry-go-round. I have fallen off the horse a few times too, but the quicker you get back on the better.

As for college aren't your classes paid through the semester? School can give you something else to concentrate on. Is there no way to stick out this semester?
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Old 09-29-2009, 01:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Confusion is all part of being an alcoholic. It's how it gets us to stay with it. Add to that depression and bingo. Why even bother, right? Wrong. Sobriety will help with the confusion - slowly the fog will lift, if you let it. This place is a good start. I don't know if you are depressed, but you sure sound like it and that is a medical problem that can also be addressed, if you let it. None of this will happen with alcohol. It's a very nasty cycle. When I went into rehab the first time I didn't realize just how depressed I was - even being sober didn't make any sense. "I don't feel any better, so why bother".
I, nor the people in my life believed the difference in me once I got help from the doctor.
Absolute priority is your sobriety. Even if you don't do anything else but stay on here and read and read. Whatever works. Keep strong and take one step, one day at a time.
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Old 09-29-2009, 02:02 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hey Bubba

Focusing on your sobriety and living one day at a time doesn't mean you ignore everything else - it means do what you can...and get help if you need it...

then try your best not to worry about the rest because it's either beyond your control right now or it hasn't happened yet.

I don't see anything dishonest in any of that
D
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Old 09-29-2009, 03:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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This morning I woke up with too much to catch up, and I couldn't bring myself to do any of it--my thoughts rushed headlong into "there's no way" and from there into "it's not like it's for anything anyways, I can't possibly actually get anywhere".

The 12 steps rescued me from my years of this kind of thinking.

What a relief!
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Old 09-29-2009, 04:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
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What's this "someone like me doesn't deserve to be here" business? Somebody thinks you do. You are there. I know when we realize what we've drank away it can be horrifying. But it's what you do from here on in that's important

Don't worry about the higher, higher education. Everything in its own time. Take these steps in faith. There's some mighty good advice in this thread.

A friend of mine here said something to the effect that we got off the path. On our way back to it, we trip over the brush and brambles we created. I believe that God, Universe, Life - whatever your concept is - supports us when we take those steps, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment. Five minutes before the good stuff happens it hasn't happened yet and you can't see it.:praying
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Old 09-29-2009, 04:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Well, I didn't drink. Didn't do much, managed to let one thing not slide. In all my life, it's the only thing I can think of that I don't have a lot to catch up on.


Heck I don't know what I'm saying either.

I tried to not pay attention to the things out of my control, tried to find ways to rein them in, didn't work, they're gonna take me down.

The money isn't for school. Me & the courts is all. Looking like I can't leave for grad school anyways, this state won't let me go...

I don't know how to do anything sober, and I tried to do as I was told and now I'm in this mess.

Guess I just keep going. Truly surrender. No point in school, no point in grad school. Just let go and see where I fall.

Don't know if I'm depressed, can't afford to find out.

F- it.

I'm going to class, no point in letting things slide further out of control.

TB, angry and sad at the same time.

Last edited by thirtybubba; 09-29-2009 at 04:57 PM.
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Old 09-29-2009, 05:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I think there's a lot in your present physical circumstances that I don't understand. It make me hesitant.

Truly, do not drink, please. If there is an AA chapter available, it's someone to help you see clearly. It may be much more. I haven't been there yet.

Sometimes we're so close to our situation that we can't see clearly.
:praying
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Old 09-29-2009, 06:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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You're probably right about being too close to the situation. I have no idea what's going on in general, and nobody around to help me with that.

So I guess I'll just keep going on and hoping it keeps. Knowing it probably won't.

No AA nearby, one if I can get away long enough to get there--haven't been able to yet, but it's still on the list.

I apologize to all for losing my temper. Took a spin in my car. Got some eggs and sugar and no whiskey. TB's all better now. Well for now. I'll shut up now. Sorry to bother everyone, and thank you all for your answers. When I'm less angry I'll read them and they'll probably make more sense now. I just can't see anything right now.
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Old 09-29-2009, 06:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I really cant add much more.
I always wanted to fix everything now. Do everything to better myself now.
It is good you want to put sobriety first. And thats what is important in order for you to be able to function in other ways.
But like said. You have to squeeze in other things. Little by little. Slowly if you have to.
I cant tell you much about the school thing. It is all new to me and I am confused too. Well, Not as much. But I think as long as I do my best things should go pretty well.
Just worry about living and staying sober. Learning new things and start adding old things you liked to do in a little at a time.
It can be very overwhelming and frustrating, I know.
But just do what you can. You are def not alone.
Do you have any sober support f2f?
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Old 09-30-2009, 12:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Well, I hope I never ever ever ever ever have a day like that again.

But in case I ever read through this, I'd like some kind of closure...

It ended on an okay note though. One of the assignments turned out to be doable next week as well. I made the cookies at midnight (yes, I was sober, although that vanilla smelled better than I remembered) and my roomie tested them (she was stoned, so I hope they're okay lol).

Earlier in the evening, I confronted her about throwing out my body wash. She apologized, thought it was empty, and paid for it. We hugged, and at least half my war is over (she seemed surprised that I didn't want to fight--I'd love to hear all the lies about me)... so she got a cookie later. The other one still wants to hard eye me... I don't think she realizes I may look and act nice and sweet but I come from a shockingly different world. She does not scare me...

And right now, I don't have to work the cookie sales, they got enough people, so I can finally study for that stupid psych test. Study is probably the wrong word, read some definitions and hope for the best is more accurate.

If I wasn't already a senior when I started to get sober, I wouldn't consider going to school. Lots of respect and more hugs to those who go in 'middle' sobriety--ie, those who don't keep stumbling around like me. But the reality is, higher higher education is already on my horizon. The papers have to be in in the next few months. Objectively, there is no reason I can't get it all done--I got here drunk, and until recently worked full time and attended school full time. It's this new sobriety and it's interesting little features that's holding me back...

So yeah, it's that stupid rollercoaster of emotions I guess, only worse this time. Making up for the easy withdrawal symptoms I suppose. I think I'd rather the other way... and that's saying a lot.

I'm really starting to BE that little saying about insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting something different... even if it *looks* different, it's probably just the same, I'm thinking. But I might navigate these horse latitudes after all. Lateen sail lol...

Take care, and I thank everyone for putting up with me and all the support--once more
-TB, mighty relieved
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Old 09-30-2009, 01:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Good for you TB!! If you are a senior you are so close to getting finished with this part of your education! You can probably smell that diploma!

Keep being as strong as you are today. We all have bad days with this. It's how we handle them that counts. If I could give you a high five I would do it! So I'm sending a virtual high five!
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Old 09-30-2009, 02:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thirtybubba View Post
If I wasn't already a senior when I started to get sober, I wouldn't consider going to school. Lots of respect and more hugs to those who go in 'middle' sobriety--ie, those who don't keep stumbling around like me. But the reality is, higher higher education is already on my horizon. The papers have to be in in the next few months. Objectively, there is no reason I can't get it all done--I got here drunk, and until recently worked full time and attended school full time. It's this new sobriety and it's interesting little features that's holding me back
I wish I had something totally super and hugely inspirational to share with you TB, but my spiritual gas tank is temporarily running on empty. Honestly, after reading this thread, I think you've got everything figured out much better than you think you do. Your thinking is clear, there just seems to be a little of that alcoholic fear that needs to be put away for good.

A senior? Wow! I can't imagine what my life would've been like if I'd sobered up that young. At the age of 18 I still had aspirations to go to college and be a forest ranger. And then....for one reason or another....drinking became top priority. I started bartending so I could sneak drinks for free, when I got fired for giving away drinks I became a plumber, digging trenches to make beer money. 25 years later, I'm still in the construction industry. It pays well and it pays the bills, but it was never my dream. You have the opportunity to follow your dreams, that gift is being handed to you, I hope you take it for all it's worth.

And about those thoughts of there being "too much to catch up, no way can I do it". My brain was pretty much shot after detoxing. I used to do everything from memory and the memory was gone, it still hasn't come back fully. To me, sometimes "one day at a time" also means "one task at a time". The only way I make it through a day at work is to pile everything in a heap on my desk, and start weeding my way through it one piece at a time. Eventually, it gets done
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