Just Lying?
OK, I haven't been over here for a while, stumbled for a while and found my way again. Anyhow, that's not what this post is about.
This time, detox has been fairly simple--I've just been extremely tired all the time. So I just jumped back on track on Monday, and some things are behind...
This morning I woke up with too much to catch up, and I couldn't bring myself to do any of it--my thoughts rushed headlong into "there's no way" and from there into "it's not like it's for anything anyways, I can't possibly actually get anywhere". And then started a physical craving to get drunk, some kind of emotional thing, not like a detox thing, and to stay that way--well, actually it started as "if I take a shot, I'll snap out of this mood" and within an hour I was trying to figure what I was even doing with all this college mess. Someone like me has no business in college, and even if so, I'd never be accepted in higher higher education. I don't have enough money to make it through November, so I figured I'd take what I do have and run back to away from here--by which I mean the whiskey bottles, where I'm thinking, you don't need any money to live.
And then I got better, I think--for now at least--and I realize it's just a mask. What's considered better seems to be not thinking about all that mess and just focusing on sobriety--in other words, lying to myself and ignoring all the bad stuff. Isn't that what the liquor used to do?
And if I just focus on sobriety and not drinking and doing other things and such, when/how do I deal with all the things falling apart? I never did know how to deal with them, it's not like I stopped doing it when I started drinking. I was far too young to have problems like these... Which are probably very simple, but look big to me.
I'm not trying to be facetious, I'm trying to figure this all out.
-TB