Lenina

Trish,

Before I got into good recovery, I used to get caught in a space that was either dusk or dawn. I couldn't tell if I was going to get up or go down. Does that make sense? Sometimes it didn't much matter to me. I was finally able to break out and embrace the dawn.

I don't know why, really. Some kind of major philosophic shift happened in my mind. I don't know how to put in words. I hope someone here can help you find that shift or explain clearly why and how it happened.

I do know one thing for sure. Material stuff isn't what it's cracked up to be. I've seen too many people with so much materially that suffer just as much metal pain as those with far less. Here's a really corny saying I know you're going to hate but I have to say it: "Grow where you're planted." Be that lotus in the mud.

I know you have it in you to do so. And I don't think you're lazy. I think you're only caught up before the dawn.

Take care.

Love,

Lenina

stone

Hi Trish, I am sorry you are feeling so low, I think someone else said part of how you are feeling now is post high let down, it seems like it from how you are posting. Your whole style of writing changes when you are like this. What I mean is, don't believe how you are feeling now is reality and won't change, it will. Of course some of it is real, it is heightened though, right now.

I was talking to a guy at a meeting today, he said something like, "I don't want to change, I just want to stop drinking...but if I don't change I won't stop drinking". He said it like it was just hitting him for the first time and he looked shocked as he said and we were both laughing at the truth of it, how simple it sounds.....but doing it isn't simple, of course.

I am a binge drinker, I can go a month or two sober and then binge out of nowhere, my head just "goes" and that's it, I go into a blackout after about two hours drinking and wake up 3-5 days later baffled, in pain and (lately) pretty crazy.

It seems like you are a binge crack user, neither of us is physically addicted, it is all centred in the mind, for me and I am guessing for you.

Maybe I am damaged emotionally or mentally, I could never cope with life. I recently went back to AA (again) and I listen to other peoples stories and how they feel and felt are very similar to me, I am not special or unusual, there are many people who seem emotionally damaged there, hypersensitive, touchy, melancholy and often abused in some way. It is comforting to know it is not just me who is like that...and a lot of them are coping pretty good now.

Anyway, I am not advertising AA here, I used to hate people even mentioning AA to me so don't think I am preaching, I am just sharing what has happened lately.

I just think we have to change our way of thinking somehow, how we think all the time, not just in relation to drugs and alcohol. It can be as simple as keeping your thinking in the day, doing things to take yourself out of yourself, finding something you enjoy...I still don't actually enjoy anything, nothing really gives me pleasure.

Doing something big as a change and fresh start has never worked for me, I think it is better to start from where you are in small ways, looking at ourselves and working on changing ourselves.

IO Storm

Thanks for checking in Trish...

I am so glad you did, sweetie. And yes, someone mentioned "love bombs" on here...

well and good. We don't shoot our wounded on SR. We love them back...

What do I have to say to you...now..this is the truth.

Jule's entire post. Verbatim.

I couldn't have said it better...and wouldn't change a thing.

The only thing I will add, Trish..when I say I step away from the thread...

I won't keep logging on when you are gone. It doesn't mean I don't care!

Never, ever take it that way..please. I pray for the day, soon when you

won't have a thread like this. I hope you are done now. If not..I pray

for your safety. I love you Trish!

Believe808

Trish, I was reading your posts where you say that you are not afraid to die but are afraid of other people dying. Well, I actually got pi*sed off reading that, because as you are aware, my mom died from this addiction by taking her own life. Honestly, if she didn't take her life, the alcoholism would have anyway. I'm sure she felt she had no alternative but to do that, but what she never stopped to think about was what was gonna happen to her kids, how the rest of our lives would be affected by this rash decision she chose to make would change our lives forever. I'm not saying you were gonna take your life, but picking up again, well it could have the same consequences. What about your family that loves you, your Grams and what about that little guy, your nephew and all the other family members you are always talking about, barbeques, birthdays etc. Just try to think about what your using and the end result and how it could affect the lives of many people who love you.

Aysha

I am still stuck with that paragraph keithj posted about the worst thing happening is nothing.
That is the most truest thing I have heard in so long. And the most dead on explaination of it I have ever heard.
I really need to do something drastic in my life.
I have been saying it for a few months now.
And its not moving away somewhere. I really need to do something that is goin to improve my life in some way.
Like school. I have contacted a school here that has the classes I have been wanting to take since I was suppose to go to college 14 yrs ago. That being digital graphics and media arts.
I am so scared of failing and not being able to commit. Its so easy to just be the way I am. No expectations. You know?
But then I am so scared of not trying either.
I agree with the love bombs. But I dont see any of it overly done here. I got the truth. And I am pretty sure most everyone here already knows I respect the truth more than anything. No matter how much it may hurt to hear.
I seen a post here that said something about just keep trying.
I use that one alot. Just keep trying. I thought about that for a good little while today.
So now it seems to em that by believing that as lng as I just keep trying. Then it makes it ok to just keep getting high too. Becasue as long as I just keep trying. Thats all that will ever matter. Like the perfect validation.
I need to try new and different things.
I seriously need to do something with myself. '
Its not goin away. Its not getting better.
I do care if I live or die. I am just not scared of it.
I am not ogin to say I will try to work a program. I will think about it.
I will consider and maybe even give it a try once to see what happens.
I cant just pick myself up and act like I am where I left off at a week ago. Because I'm not.
I have my surgery tomorrow. I have 2 weeks off from work.
I have alot of time to think about what I may need to do with myself.
Not just in addictiona nd recovery. but just life in general.
I do not want to be some friggin maid the rest of my life.
I am ok with it for now. But I do want more for myself.
I have to stop bein so lazy.

NewBeginning010

Maybe try to do some volunteering & help some other people like you do here on this site, it seems like you are not feeling good about yourself right now. Give yourself a break & go out for a walk & just try (a little for now) to think of the little positive things that you have in your life. They are there... just hard to see right now.

One day at a time, all of the best in your recovery. You have much love from the people here to support you along the way.

Take Care

P.S. It seems that the post about having to have something big happen has had a big impact on you... just remember that the biggest thing that can happen for you right now is in your heart, soul & spirit and not in another state, country etc. Just dont use/pickup right now ("The power of now" is a good book to read).

You can do this but you have to believe that you can before you can.

All of the best :ghug

NB

Believe808

Good luck tomorrow

Lolajames

glad you're back!!!

Dee74

good luck with the surgery Trish
see you when you get back



D

ex D-Boy

I wasn't going to respond to this little comment of yours yesterday but I see that you keep thinking about it and mentioning it.

I am sorry trish but i've gotta call 100% bullsh1t on this. While I agree the worst thing that can happen to an addict is nothing this just isnt the case for you.

I wouldn't call you using and being forced to live on the streets because of it nothing.

I wouldn't call you stealing from your old employer in order to feed your habit and then getting arrested for it nothing.

I could go on about your past consequences but if you yourself are in that much denial that you cannot realize what this drug has taken from you whats the point? Bottom line is that us addicts can always minimize the damage done by our drug of choice in order to keep using.

I myself was guilty of this and called on my sh1t when somebody told me "Thats great scotty , never been arrested or stolen from people, really Im proud of you. Wait a minute, dont you sell drugs for a living?? It also must be real cool being 6 feet tall weighing 120lbs. you got it going on scott!"

I really want to see you get recovery trish, you were one of the first people I met when I joined soberrecovery. I hope your surgery goes well tomorrow and you think about getting into a state run rehab center. There is plenty in new york and they will take you free of charge, if you want more information you know where im at.

much love ~~ scott

Aysha

I think I meant more with my family when I say that.
Nothing really ever is long standing with them. If at all.
My grandmother has taken me to buy drugs so many times.
Bounced checks to give me money to get drugs.
Drive me to escort calls so I could get money for drugs.
**** is not normal. I really like that my grams is unconditional and not judgmental.
But alot of times. I wonder who in their right mind would put up with that type of stuff. And take part in it.
I have no doubt she did it all out of love. And she alwats said she would rather me be home doin it than out there somewhere where she doesnt know where I am or what I am doin or what I might do.
I think she should have let me fall a long time ago.
I dont blame her. But I do know that her being the huge huge enabler that she was and still is. Has damaged me and been of no help at all. If nothing changes..nothing changes. And that goes for more than the addict.
I am not saying this to make my grams look like a bad person. Because she isnt.
She loves me and would anything for me. She would die for me.
And even though it hurt me more than anything that she was so enabling. At the same time...
If it wasnt for her being that way. I wouldnt care at all. I would have given up a long time ago. Its her umconditional love and support and understanding that has hurt me and also what has kept me alive this long. Its so double standard.
So when nothing happens where it matters to me. Nothing changes.
And I am talking about my family.
And still that may never even be what it takes for me.

Lenina

Trish,

I don't know how to respond to that post. I gave my mom a book about enabling. Not because she enabled ME (she didn't) but because she was enabling my sibs. I was far too selfish in my disease to prevent anyone from enabling ME!

Love,

Lenina

gerryP

Wow....

That.... is some..... twisted thinking Chiynita.

Hope your surgery goes well tomorrow and that you are able to find it within you to get the help you need. I'm stepping away.

mle-sober

Are you saying that if your enabler doesn't change, you and your disease don't change? That the worst thing that can happen to you is to have your enabler keep enabling?

Just trying to understand. Not judging or drawing conclusions. Just want to hear you.

Aysha

Uummm..I mean that the worst thing that can happen is for me to lose my family or something along those lines.
And they dont even really take a stand. So to me that would be a consequence.
I should look at it as being very lucky and be grateful. And I am. But If everyone acts like nothing happened. Then its like nothing happened.
I dont because they do. I do that on my own anyway.
I dont want to lose them. But thats the only thing I know that would really impact me.
The idea of it maybe happening just isnt enough.
Very hard to explain.
I am not goin to keep babblin about everything except what I am goin to do differently.
So since I am not quite sure what I am or want to do if anything.
I am goin to step away myself for awhile.
At least from posting.

Lenina

((((Trish))))

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Please at least post to let us how you're feeling and how everything went.

Love,

Lenina

Jules62

I don't know what else to say Trish (I kinda feel like I started some kind of essay writing virus here-lol-didn't mean to!I'm not sure I could take it all in either, but what a great sign that people here really do care about you this much.I hope you see that.)

I think I've said enough.I do get what you're saying in this post-the previous one confused me a bit.I know your family matter to you very much, and I'm glad.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow with the surgery and everything else too.I won't give up on you.

Much love,

Jules xox

littlefish

Trish wrote:
That is not going to work. It will all fall apart the minute you use again. You will miss classes, not do your projects. Addiction won't let you do anything else, remember?

When I quit drinking and put together my recovery program, a combination of AA, a therapist, reading, a diary, SR...etc, I had finally come to the understanding that there was only one drastic thing I needed to do in my life: quit.

For years I did exactly what you describe here: tried to "do something" with my life. It was, when I was honest with myself, a way of indirectly trying to moderate my drinking. All that ended up happening is that I ended up participating in those activities drunk.

It was a very liberating and relieving feeling to finally realize there was only one thing I needed to do with my life. Quit drinking.

You have repeatedly come up with various reasons why you won't make a plan and start a program. When I was, finally, totally honest with myself, I realized that there were two reasons why I didn't want to start a program: I wanted to keep drinking. And because a program might actually work and I might actually stop drinking.

I truly hope that you overcome these obstacles you are placing in your own path.

IO Storm

:praying: for ya Trish..whether you want me to, or not.

Hugs, girl...

NewBeginning010

Trish... I believe that littlefish just offered up a lot of value in the post above & summarized the real challenge in your addiction in one short paragraph.

Please take the time to read that a few times through & respond, this is what you need to come to terms with.

We can support you but we cant do it for you, work a plan Trish.

NB