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Old 05-30-2009, 05:32 AM
  # 161 (permalink)  
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RZ..As crazy as it sounds. I thought that was the easy way too. I have tried just focusing on the addiction. I was either let down. Let myself down. Or just something mostly on my part didnt go well/.
I have to look at why I get high. And like I said. I never really get high for any bad reasons. I am just usually bored and antsy. Get nosey and curious. Nothing more.
So thats where all that changing ym life stuff would come in handy.
SO If I can stop and stay stopped for awhile. Which I knowI can. Then I need something to fill my time. Something for me to ccomplish. And meetings arent my idea of that. Sry guys. I have tried em several timesa nd they are not my thing.
I am thinking like I said...Getting back into my art and stuff.
May not be the most conventional way to everyone. Alot of you are saying this girl is stupid whjen will she ever get it. But you know what?
Thats all goos. Everyone has their opinions and I apprecate them all.
I do not want to be forced into anything. Especially recovery. If I am not feelin meetings. Then why go?
I am a very firm believer that everyone does have their own ways. And that it is possible to do more ways than a couple.
I have seen it done so many times. I am seeing done right here everyday.
I will not give up and not quit trying new things.
I have been down the whole 12 step path so many times. It depresses me and hasnt provwn to be much help for me.
I know it has helped countless people. I wish it were easy for me to just go to meetings and stuff. I would love it. But if its not my thing. What can I do?
I am just goin to keep trying any and everything else I cna think of.
I dont think I am an excuse maker either. If I am please tell me. I am the first to admit when I am being lazy or not doin my part. One thing I can say I stay true to is myself. For the most part.
I have had my momnets. But I think I am pretty honest with eeverything and always liek to ear the truth too.
iI dont claim to know it all. I know nothing., But I will never know anything if I dont try new things either.
All things are worth a shot at leasst once.
I am so grateful for all of you. Not only for your understanding. But for the ones who really get me. And know me inside and out.
I am not unique by any means. But I am my own PIA and stubborn type of person to deal with alot of times.
I know it takes alot of patience for someone like me. I know who is there and who isnt. Who can hang amd who cant.
Its all good either way.
I know we are all here for the same thing. And that when that time comes. The true colors wll shine bright.
I love all of you.
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Old 05-30-2009, 10:07 AM
  # 162 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
But I think I am pretty honest with eeverything and always liek to ear the truth too.
iI dont claim to know it all. I know nothing., But I will never know anything if I dont try new things either.
All things are worth a shot at leasst once.
I am so grateful for all of you. Not only for your understanding. But for the ones who really get me. And know me inside and out.
I am not unique by any means. But I am my own PIA and stubborn type of person to deal with alot of times.
I know it takes alot of patience for someone like me. I know who is there and who isnt. Who can hang amd who cant.
Its all good either way.
I know we are all here for the same thing. And that when that time comes. The true colors wll shine bright.
I love all of you.
I said a prayer for you last night before retiring Trish...and got a picture of you in my head.

In the years I've known you on here..what comes to mind are the two things you

mentioned..you are honest about stuff. And you like to hear the truth..and let us know

if you don't like it! lol

You do want that "something"...the life that recovery offers. Or you would spend your time

anywhere but here. But you are here, every day..most days.

I understand about "the time coming" too. My time didn't come for a long time.

In..and out. I am fortunate I made it back....time after time, as you are.

Trish..you said "And when that time comes. the true colors will shine bright."

What most of us are yearning..straining, aching to show you is how beautiful those

colors are. And if we could paint you a picture of it..the new sober life, how it

"can be", we would. We can't. So, we'll keep sharing.

Love you too Trish!
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Old 05-30-2009, 10:29 AM
  # 163 (permalink)  
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thx Sherri...Thats another thing I cant do is.."Fake it til you make it."
Why would I want to do that?
I am sure there are a bunch of great reasons for others. But for me..I cant do it. I couldnt even fake it in the street to get over on someone. Thats the truth.
I know there is a way for me. I know it isnt goin to be much longer before I snap out of whatever and get on my own path to recovery.
I wish I could get the feel for meetings. There is just alot of things about them that I am not on the same level with.
And I cant try and understand it anymore.
SMART is something I liked doing last year. I may try that again.
I just dont want to be a slave to recovery too.
It may not be that way for the rest of you. But it has been for me. I need to find a way to rid myself of that.
And I do believe it lies in me. With the help of all of you and others and my family. I know that anything is possible.
I am not goin to act like I et what all of you are talking about. Or that I agree.
So this is pretty much me telling anyone who cres to know. That I am very open minded. I am willing to try amost anything. But if I am not feeling it. I will not continue to try and beat a dead horse.
So I must move on somehow.
I have even thought about learning and practicing some sort of spirituality of the mind and body. Like Buddhism or Tao or something like that.
I need to be held accountable for me at all times. I need to be responsible for myself as well.
I am not stupid enough to think I can do this alone. But at the same time. I am not leaving it up to anyone else but me. Its not really doin it my way. Its doin what others suggest or whatever else I see may work. But I am the one who is in charge.
I know I can never do it alone. But I will never do it by letting it go to the wind either.
Its all about me taking the responsibility in everythign I do.
I really just made some of you thin I am lost I am sure.
I am goin to come out of this on the otherside. I guarantee you that.
It is and will happoen. I know it will. And not too far off either.
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Old 05-30-2009, 10:42 AM
  # 164 (permalink)  
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Trish..

Never..once, in my post did I mention meetings hun.

I have said it to to others..to any one. Find something ..something.

If I suggested someone else not preach.. what kind of lame hypocrite would I be

to begin to do it myself? Just stay open to "ideas"..okay?

For now..today, get well. Good grief, girl.

Get some rest.

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Old 05-30-2009, 11:43 AM
  # 165 (permalink)  
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I didnt say you did Sherri.
I was just running with a thoiught of my own.
I should have spaced those sentences like I was goin to. But I didnt think it was neccessary.
I am not saying anything about anyone in particular. If I do..Like you said. Yall will know.
I am just thinking out loud and rambling from my mind. Nothing I posted here came from anything anyone said. Except little fish and the school thing.


Please dont take that wrong. But I dont see anywhere in your post that would make me go on a random post like I did.
So I just dont see why you thought that.
Except for me not spacing after thanking you.
After I said Thx sherri..I went somewhere else with my thoughts that had nothing to do with anything you oor anyone had posted on here now.
Alot of times when I pst I am not provoked by anone elses posts unless I say it was.
I just run off at the mouth and let my mind go in different directions at the same time.
Sry for the confusion.

Last edited by Aysha; 05-30-2009 at 12:02 PM.
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Old 05-30-2009, 01:40 PM
  # 166 (permalink)  
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Trish...

Oh, no confusion...I didn't take anything personally. Just being a little codie

about you resting after such an ordeal. You are about the age of my kids..

I'll step back.

Ramble on as much you like..that's what the thread is for.

Just take good care of yourself today, okay?

Talk to you later.
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Old 05-30-2009, 01:54 PM
  # 167 (permalink)  
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I always say to ppl - you don't want meetings - Ok...AA/NA's not the only way - as long as you don't then sit back and do nothing - and I know you won't

Think about everything you mentioned - be that school, art, SMART, meditation whatever - try as many different things as you need to....and mix em up even.

Anythings better than using.

We all have our way - we just have to go out there and find it

I'm really glad to see you sounding positive again - even if a bit fiesty LOL
We all want good things for you, Trish
:ghug3
D
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Old 05-30-2009, 03:47 PM
  # 168 (permalink)  
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You know whats sick?
Sitting here and being in alot of pain having over 20 staples in my stomach.
Relapsing so carelessly last week.
Knowing I need every penny I get because I am out of work for a few weeks. And sitting here dreaming and giving thought to getting high.
I am that sick.
I would take my handicapped ass in ym no brakes van and drive 30 mins to get drugs right now.
But I am not gonna do it.
I am not going to say I dont want to completely. But I dont and I do.
I have been vividly dreaming about it since the last 2 nights in the hospital.
Addiction is very sick and twisted.
I am sorry I am feisty. I noticed that. I am not trying to be. ANd I apologize if I sound arrogant. I am not tryng to be that either.
You guys know I appreciate every one of you and am always open to listen and try most anything you guys suggest.
i Dont want to get into the whole 12 step meetings thing. I havent completedthem. I have started down the path several times. And my reasons are no different than alot of ohters. I am not goin to make this a segregated program debate. I just want to stay close to you guys right now. Because I really need it tonight.
Maybe I should not post when I am foggy headed like I was earlier.
Surgery..meds..and lack of sleep lately.
I am sry to you guys.
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Old 05-30-2009, 04:10 PM
  # 169 (permalink)  
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It's really hard to stop the jabbering in your head I know, Trish - you have to get to a point where you don't even let that start...and that takes a while to master - or it did for me.

Till then NO is yr friend LOL.

I think a sense of purpose and some self esteem go a long way to helping you stop the jabber and not want to screw up - it's not the be all and end all - but it's a running start

D
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Old 05-30-2009, 05:02 PM
  # 170 (permalink)  
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I simply don't see the usefullness of flowery "I care" posts when maybe you need a practical tool instead.
Trish, sorry, I'm gonna high-jack for a minute...

I TOTALLY disagree with this! What if I don't have a "practical tool" to suggest for her? What if I am so busy keeping my own side of the street clean that I don't have the ability or the insight to tell Trish what to do? Is it wrong, EVER, to just say, Hey, I love you and I care what happens to you? Not in my world, but, hey, that's just me.

As for you, Miss Trish, D already said what I would say (He is constantly taking my answers - so annoying). Oh, and Sherri with the "get some rest"...that's pretty good too, and I want you, all of you, mind, body, and soul to get well, so I'll say a prayer tonight that you find whatever you need. And I care.

Love, Jomey
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Old 05-30-2009, 05:15 PM
  # 171 (permalink)  
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Hang on in there my friend you are not alone
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Old 05-30-2009, 05:21 PM
  # 172 (permalink)  
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Is it wrong, EVER, to just say, Hey, I love you and I care what happens to you? Not in my world, but, hey, that's just me.
Not just you

I've been a hardass for quite a while - recently I realised that was saying more about me and my troubles than anything else - so to anyone I ever wrongfully did a Dee on this year, mea culpa. (Those I was right with....well...LOL)

Sadly, that doesn't mean I won't be a hardass in future LOL -sometimes straight talking is needed....but...in context.

I'm hoping for a little less 'me' in my posts (bad me) anyway.

I've learned you can give practical advice and say I care too - they're not mutually exclusive

(Jomey told me to say that) LOL

D - sorry too for the hijack - just been on my mind
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Old 05-30-2009, 06:03 PM
  # 173 (permalink)  
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trish
RZ..As crazy as it sounds. I thought that was the easy way too. I have tried just focusing on the addiction.
ahem, from what i hve read, and as you know, i cant read everything...

for me, as i read your posts, there was always a underlying issue, problem, or thought...

and hey, thats what we do aint it, we are thinking people and beings...

now, put the addiction in the mix! yikes!!!

its all over the place, focusing on what needs to be focused on means just that...

and that takes hard work, and discipline...

you know i'm a AA'r, just i know many that do not use it, and have another way...

Come in Aunt Tille!

you had mentioned the spirit, and lady, thats the missing link, whatever you may choose...

and the spirit can come in many ways and forms, as complex as one can make it, or as simple as just doing whats correct in our hearts...

not what we always like or want to do mind you, we have to give up alot of personal sastisfactions...

all of us have been soul sick, low-self esteem, the guilts, fears, always wanting and searching for that all time high!

keep searching dear trish, and as you said, you will win this battle!

as long as you never give up that hope!

love, and always blessings to you trish...

hell, i feel like i have stock in you!
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Old 05-31-2009, 05:49 AM
  # 174 (permalink)  
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(((Trish)))

I just wanted to drop in and let you know I'm thinking about you. I think you'll figure out what works for you as far as recovery, just like I have. I certainly didn't get it right the first (or 2nd, or 3rd...) times either. I had to try and fail, and figure out what worked.

Take care of you, and try to find something that will keep your mind busy during this "down time" so you aren't so easily bored, okay?

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy
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Old 05-31-2009, 01:36 PM
  # 175 (permalink)  
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Trish..

I hope the pain is not too bad today.

I know I do this..but ..as Jomey said "what Dee and Sherri said"..and Dee said " Jomey

told me to say that" ..

What our friend Rust said was very beautiful and sort of sums up what I would like

to say to you today..(besides resting..of course)


"you had mentioned the spirit, and lady, thats the missing link, whatever you may choose...

and the spirit can come in many ways and forms, as complex as one can make it, or as simple as just doing whats correct in our hearts...

not what we always like or want to do mind you, we have to give up alot of personal sastisfactions...

all of us have been soul sick, low-self esteem, the guilts, fears, always wanting and searching for that all time high!

keep searching dear trish, and as you said, you will win this battle!

as long as you never give up that hope!

love, and always blessings to you trish..."


Pretty good stuff there...take care today.

Love,

Sher
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