Cheese and Rice!! Please go away!
Attended By a Single Hound
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by SurviveIt 
for some of us it will be more effective to take responsibility (and, yeah, a little credit) for our own recovery.
That said, all the 'where was this higher power when I was in the gutter praying?' stuff...well, though I don't personally believe there could ever be a higher power than the resolve and courage I've seen in people on earth, I'd still argue that even if there was a higher power (for me) that it ain't one which carries a person from the gutter to the stars, but one which walks with you while you carry yourself.
And higher power or no higher power, I ain't going to say 'Don't do it'. You know what...it's you choice, mate.
You might want to score, now, tomorrow...every minute of every day, but rather than ask yourself: 'Do I want to score?', ask yourself this: 'Do I want the consequences?'
I want heroin more than I want anything right now. My friends' trust, my family's love since I've been clean...none of it is enough right now. But that's the consequence of my drug use, and nothing will ever be enough if I keep using. Maybe it wont anyway, but the chance it might be, well, its the only thing after heroin that seems worth chasing. So, I didn't score today.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am ok. And no you arent wrong.
You guys already know.
I really dont have anything to say. What can I say?
I guess I just am not at that point.
I am not willing to go to any length.
IOP is a freakin joke to me.
And meetings..I am not sure if I am just lazy, I dont like them, I am not com
mited, Its alot of things with all of it.
I just am not reayd.
I really feel like I am wasting all of your time.
I am ashamed for makin you guys go through this all the time.
Thats why I dont reach out. If I fail look what happens.
I would rather just keep it to myself and pnly hurt myself with it.
I seriously dont see it as life and death. I do but I dont.
I cant explain it.
Or maybe I dont care that much. Maybe I try too hard. So hard that I am fooling myself. I am trying to force myself to be ready when I am not.
Makin myself believe and put that front for recovery on.
When I know I am not ready yet.
I want to be. But not bad enough obviously.
Anyway.
I am ok. Thx for the replies. I am sorry for worrying all of you. And sorry I let you all down once again.
And the sad part is. I dont feel too bad about goin.
keithj posted something on another thread.
That is exactly my problem.
I dont blame any of you who choose to step back until I am ready and willing. I aint mad at ya.
I would rather you did.
I dont want to hurt or disappoint anymore people than I have.
Anyway. Just lettin yall know I am once again proving I am insane. No changes.
I appreciate all of you. ANd certainly didnt expect all these replies.
It made me sad.
What else can I say. It all seems to mean nothing anyway.
You guys already know.
I really dont have anything to say. What can I say?
I guess I just am not at that point.
I am not willing to go to any length.
IOP is a freakin joke to me.
And meetings..I am not sure if I am just lazy, I dont like them, I am not com
mited, Its alot of things with all of it.
I just am not reayd.
I really feel like I am wasting all of your time.
I am ashamed for makin you guys go through this all the time.
Thats why I dont reach out. If I fail look what happens.
I would rather just keep it to myself and pnly hurt myself with it.
I seriously dont see it as life and death. I do but I dont.
I cant explain it.
Or maybe I dont care that much. Maybe I try too hard. So hard that I am fooling myself. I am trying to force myself to be ready when I am not.
Makin myself believe and put that front for recovery on.
When I know I am not ready yet.
I want to be. But not bad enough obviously.
Anyway.
I am ok. Thx for the replies. I am sorry for worrying all of you. And sorry I let you all down once again.
And the sad part is. I dont feel too bad about goin.
keithj posted something on another thread.
You know what the worst thing that can happen to an alcoholic who drinks again? It's not starting a long bender or crashing a car. The worst thing that can happen is nothing. No bad consequences. That seed gets planted in the mind that I can get away with this. That, somehow, this time will be different.
I dont blame any of you who choose to step back until I am ready and willing. I aint mad at ya.
I would rather you did.
I dont want to hurt or disappoint anymore people than I have.
Anyway. Just lettin yall know I am once again proving I am insane. No changes.
I appreciate all of you. ANd certainly didnt expect all these replies.
It made me sad.
What else can I say. It all seems to mean nothing anyway.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
The goal wasn't to make you sad or ashamed, but to let you know how loved you are. We care about the woman you've shown yourself to be through your many honest posts. We don't want you to risk your life anymore, don't want your light to go out before you've had a chance to spread your wings. We worry & grieve for you, as you have for us many times. Please don't give up on this life you've been given - you're still only at the beginning of your journey. Everything can still be turned around. Anyway, glad you are safe Trish.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
I'm sorry you feel that way. The reason why you got such a response is because we identify with the struggle and it hits close to home with us. I got past the point of feeling like I could 'get away with it', before I totally bottomed out. I just didn't want to be in the grip of that cycle anymore. It was fruitless in the end. We're here but only you can really take the steps required, you owe it to yourself to give it a full chance over a length of time. And it is a chance, a leap, and not always comfortable. But you know what, that's growing in life, and we should never stop.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
(((Trish))) I will continue to pray for you & I'm glad you are safe. . . for now.
I had the same thoughts that many did when I was still hanging on to the fact that maybe, just maybe, I could gain control over my disese and use casually. I thought that if there was a God, why was all of this happening to me? My last day using, I spent a better part of the evening screaming at God, actually daring Him to do something IF He truly existed. I was beyond mad at God, I blamed Him for everything that happened to me in my life. I was in the process of taking my life that night. The last thing I remember is screaming out, "If you're f*cking there, do something to show me that you do exist!!! I can't go on like this, help me!!!!"
I woke up 7 hours later, dope sick as hell, but my heart and soul was at peace. I knew then that everything was going to be ok. Through all the shaking, muscle cramps, joint pain, twitching, legs kicking, sneezing, dry heaves, diarrhea . . . I felt better than I ever have in my life. I haven't picked up since.
Oh, and all that "bad stuff" that happened to me throughout my life? It's wasn't God's doing, it was the consequences of my addict, plain and simple.
Judy
I had the same thoughts that many did when I was still hanging on to the fact that maybe, just maybe, I could gain control over my disese and use casually. I thought that if there was a God, why was all of this happening to me? My last day using, I spent a better part of the evening screaming at God, actually daring Him to do something IF He truly existed. I was beyond mad at God, I blamed Him for everything that happened to me in my life. I was in the process of taking my life that night. The last thing I remember is screaming out, "If you're f*cking there, do something to show me that you do exist!!! I can't go on like this, help me!!!!"
I woke up 7 hours later, dope sick as hell, but my heart and soul was at peace. I knew then that everything was going to be ok. Through all the shaking, muscle cramps, joint pain, twitching, legs kicking, sneezing, dry heaves, diarrhea . . . I felt better than I ever have in my life. I haven't picked up since.
Oh, and all that "bad stuff" that happened to me throughout my life? It's wasn't God's doing, it was the consequences of my addict, plain and simple.
Judy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I keep saying that losing my family is my bottom. I dont think that is even it. I am almost positive I dont have one.
I am stuck on moving the hell out of this state. To go where? Back to NC or FL?
Where all that is there is drug memories and people.
More ways to die slow than you could imagine.
Sometimes I just want to go away and not tell anyone where I am. Not talk to anyone ever again.
Just go somewhere ..where noone knows me. Start from the gutter and really find out the hard way what its like to survive on your own.
I have never had any real long lasting consequences. So what do I have to be afraid of?
I am not scared to die.
It really doesnt matter to me if I do live or die anyway.
I would like to live. And I am not suicidal.
It just really makes no difference to me either way.
I am doin a whole lot of nothing my whole life.
I havent made a purpose for myself.
I am too lazy to try and be somebody.
I am sorta ok or maybe just use to bein like I am. Just gettin by and so what.
Whatever happens ..happens.
I am tired of failing at something that is just as obsessive as addiction. Thats what it seems like to me.
Either way I am still a slave to somehting.
I just dont really get it. Maybe I should really get some serious rest before I go rambling too.
I am never goin to be like them. With the good job carreers and bank accounts and soccer games and vacations and stuff like that.
I am never goin to own a house or have kids.
In the end its just goin to be me, myself and I.
I will never be what I am trying to be to fit in with them.
They will never understand and I will never live up to what they are.
And I dont mind really.
I want to be a better person. I just dont want to do the work and commit to do whatever it takes.
I am strait up lazy.
I dont know what else to say.
I am just rambling a bunch of jibberish now.
I can never find the words to explain what I am really feeling or mean.
I need and want people to completely know what I am talking about.
And I always feel like noone ever does.
Not really.
I am stuck on moving the hell out of this state. To go where? Back to NC or FL?
Where all that is there is drug memories and people.
More ways to die slow than you could imagine.
Sometimes I just want to go away and not tell anyone where I am. Not talk to anyone ever again.
Just go somewhere ..where noone knows me. Start from the gutter and really find out the hard way what its like to survive on your own.
I have never had any real long lasting consequences. So what do I have to be afraid of?
I am not scared to die.
It really doesnt matter to me if I do live or die anyway.
I would like to live. And I am not suicidal.
It just really makes no difference to me either way.
I am doin a whole lot of nothing my whole life.
I havent made a purpose for myself.
I am too lazy to try and be somebody.
I am sorta ok or maybe just use to bein like I am. Just gettin by and so what.
Whatever happens ..happens.
I am tired of failing at something that is just as obsessive as addiction. Thats what it seems like to me.
Either way I am still a slave to somehting.
I just dont really get it. Maybe I should really get some serious rest before I go rambling too.
I am never goin to be like them. With the good job carreers and bank accounts and soccer games and vacations and stuff like that.
I am never goin to own a house or have kids.
In the end its just goin to be me, myself and I.
I will never be what I am trying to be to fit in with them.
They will never understand and I will never live up to what they are.
And I dont mind really.
I want to be a better person. I just dont want to do the work and commit to do whatever it takes.
I am strait up lazy.
I dont know what else to say.
I am just rambling a bunch of jibberish now.
I can never find the words to explain what I am really feeling or mean.
I need and want people to completely know what I am talking about.
And I always feel like noone ever does.
Not really.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Okay.Lucky or unlucky you-I have time to respond to this fully and I'm going to.If I'm completely wrong here Trish then just ignore me okay?I'm doing this cos I really do care about you-no other motive....so here we go....take it or leave it...and you know me.I'm not going to play nice but I will be fair but this will be long winded and rambling too-so feel free to take your time with it too.
Well you do actually.You just haven't hit it yet.Your addict mind keeps luring you back-that's all.Believe me-we ALL have a bottom.For some of us it's death and I'll be honest and say that's what scares me about you.Your's just might be that you never make it back, you die in a gutter somewhere surrounded by people who don't give a SH*T about you while your Grams is at home worrying about you and all of us here at SR are also worried and praying you make it back.I'm not trying to guilt trip you here-I just wish you'd get you ARE important.
It doesn't matter what state you go to Trish.Your addiction travels with you.And you already are dying slowly-every time you go back out there.Every single time.
Haven't you already done this?Smoking crack in places where people have been killed doesn't exactly sound like the high life to me(excuse the irony) But that said-I understand wanting to start over completely from the bottom up.I walked out of my house one night-my 'perfect family' and wanted to keep walking till...I don;t know the f*ck what.I just wanted the way things were to stop.I wanted to start again.But the thing is?I had to do it HERE.It wasn't about a new environment, a new state or even a new country(which I have considered)...it was about changing myself.It's an internal change that made me look at the external things so differently.But yes-I had to change-from the inside out.It's hard work and not for the timid.But youre not timid.Youre gutsy Trish.But you ARE lazy-you're absolutely right.I love you though.
I get this-but I don't totally believe you.I often think I don't give a crap if I live or die-and then I'm reminded of something or someone who really matters to me and I know it's not true.Look at how upset you were about your cousin when he lost the dog?Look at how upset you get when your Grams isn't ok?you can't tell me you don't care that much.That's bullsh*t.I get you're not suicidal.I also understand about not caring if you live or die-it's kind of an inbetween state.I've been there many times.But what it really is for me?Is when I know my life is utterly unsatisfying and I need to change something.What amazes me about you is I think you know this too but you resist so strongly making a change sometimes.That said-my heart broke when you tried so hard to get into rehab and they turned you down twice.I dont hold you responsible for that at all.You fkn tried SO HARD and in that case?The system let you down and I was so angry-on your behalf.Just wanted you to know...
(sick of me yet?I am-lol)I really should STFU-LOL
Maybe you're not lazy in this respect?Maybe you just don't know yet what your purpose is?But dont spend your life waiting to find out either.TRY things.God-you're a street smart, clever woman....you could offer alot to other people.How about stop thinking about you so much for a while and all that you think is 'wrong' with you-and start doing something for other people.Doesnt matter what it is.Volunteer in a soup kitchen.An animal shelter....it seems to me kids love you-so why not get involved in something to do with them?Yes-you say youre lazy but I believe you're more scared than lazy.Maybe-just maybe-if you stepped out of the current life you have-you just might be happy and that scares the crap out of you cos its so different to what youre used to?There is excitement to be had out there Trish-that doesnt invlove drugs.It's just called life, taking risks-but the rewards are way more than any high youre chasing on the street recently.I promise you.And they last longer.Way longer.
You don't have to be.I know it.You CAN choose not to be a slave to anything.But again, it takes work.
Who says you have to do these things?Live up to these things?They don't matter! My son played soccer and may I just say a lot of the soccer moms were complete b*tches and I was happy not to mix with them much when he stopped playing.I was kinda hoping my son would join the music or drama club.Become a goth or a poet maybe. Now THOSE people I'd enjoy hanging out with! 
I think you're more 'lost' than lazy Trish.And I think you express yourself very well.
I will never claim to fully understand anyone.How can I?But I hope, even if I've made little sense here to you?That I've let you know you matter.To me.To many here.And if I could make this all better for you?I would-but I can't.It's up to you.
I believe you can get out of this vicious cycle you're in.I pray every night you will.
Enough already.You'll never want to speak to me again after all this-lol.
Love you tho,
Jules-Shutting the h*ll up now.
Phew!
I keep saying that losing my family is my bottom. I dont think that is even it. I am almost positive I dont have one.
I am stuck on moving the hell out of this state. To go where? Back to NC or FL?
Where all that is there is drug memories and people.
More ways to die slow than you could imagine.
Where all that is there is drug memories and people.
More ways to die slow than you could imagine.
Sometimes I just want to go away and not tell anyone where I am. Not talk to anyone ever again.
Just go somewhere ..where noone knows me. Start from the gutter and really find out the hard way what its like to survive on your own.
Just go somewhere ..where noone knows me. Start from the gutter and really find out the hard way what its like to survive on your own.
I have never had any real long lasting consequences. So what do I have to be afraid of?
I am not scared to die.
It really doesnt matter to me if I do live or die anyway.
I would like to live. And I am not suicidal.
It just really makes no difference to me either way.
I am not scared to die.
It really doesnt matter to me if I do live or die anyway.
I would like to live. And I am not suicidal.
It just really makes no difference to me either way.
(sick of me yet?I am-lol)I really should STFU-LOL
I am doin a whole lot of nothing my whole life.
I havent made a purpose for myself.
I am too lazy to try and be somebody.
I am sorta ok or maybe just use to bein like I am. Just gettin by and so what.
Whatever happens ..happens.
I havent made a purpose for myself.
I am too lazy to try and be somebody.
I am sorta ok or maybe just use to bein like I am. Just gettin by and so what.
Whatever happens ..happens.
I am tired of failing at something that is just as obsessive as addiction. Thats what it seems like to me.
Either way I am still a slave to somehting.
Either way I am still a slave to somehting.
I just dont really get it. Maybe I should really get some serious rest before I go rambling too.
I am never goin to be like them. With the good job carreers and bank accounts and soccer games and vacations and stuff like that.
I am never goin to own a house or have kids.
In the end its just goin to be me, myself and I.
I will never be what I am trying to be to fit in with them.
They will never understand and I will never live up to what they are.
I am never goin to be like them. With the good job carreers and bank accounts and soccer games and vacations and stuff like that.
I am never goin to own a house or have kids.
In the end its just goin to be me, myself and I.
I will never be what I am trying to be to fit in with them.
They will never understand and I will never live up to what they are.
And I dont mind really.
I want to be a better person. I just dont want to do the work and commit to do whatever it takes.
I am strait up lazy.
I dont know what else to say.
I am just rambling a bunch of jibberish now.
I can never find the words to explain what I am really feeling or mean.
I want to be a better person. I just dont want to do the work and commit to do whatever it takes.
I am strait up lazy.
I dont know what else to say.
I am just rambling a bunch of jibberish now.
I can never find the words to explain what I am really feeling or mean.
I need and want people to completely know what I am talking about.
And I always feel like noone ever does.
Not really.
And I always feel like noone ever does.
Not really.
I believe you can get out of this vicious cycle you're in.I pray every night you will.
Enough already.You'll never want to speak to me again after all this-lol.
Love you tho,
Jules-Shutting the h*ll up now.
Phew!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hey Matt-I totally accept I could be completely wrong.Please know I'm not in any way saying I know what's best.God-I'm at a complete loss really here.I just love Trish.She matters to me very much and I wanted to say something-anything-that might just help.
I hope I wasn't arrogant.I really don't feel that way at all.I have so much hope for her.That's all.(oh-and I ramble-LOL-obviously)
Love,
Julesxox
I hope I wasn't arrogant.I really don't feel that way at all.I have so much hope for her.That's all.(oh-and I ramble-LOL-obviously)
Love,
Julesxox
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