Mattcake

Ugh, I'm sorry This was definitely not the best place to trigger a bottoms/"how far can we go" debate, which is what I was referring to. I apologize.

Jules62

Oh-I didn't think that at all! No problem. I know you're a close friend and I'm glad she has you.

Peace

Julesxox

Lenina

Jules said exactly what I was thinking but didn't have the words for. Thank you Jules.

Trish, there's nothing more I could add to what Jules said. Just that I care and worry about you too. I wish you could see your talents and your value.

Take care.

Love,

Lenina

Luckyv2

Yeah it is a funny song but when you live it ...completely different...

I shouldn't even be posting

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I'm glad you made it back. I remember, very well, feeling the same way you're feeling. I just wish I could get you to that point where I'd had enough, but I know I can't.

You're loved by a lot of people, including me, but I am frustrated. It's like watching you intentionally try to destroy yourself, a little at a time. I'm still here for ya, though...heck, you're just a younger, more stubborn version of me

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

michelle01

Well, this will be my final comment. People do have fulfilling and meaningful lives without it all, and don't necessarily fit the conventional stereotype.

It takes some forebearance and patience, something which we addicts tend to be short on, but being upheld by others helps.

I've read these resigned sorts of posts on other forums and I just don't believe them, frankly. I view it as a person's addiction talking and underneath is a person with talents, skills, potential etc. They may not even be fully conscious of it themselves but that's what I see.

I hope that you think about things and come to the right decision for yourself.

Hevyn

Jules, thank you for caring enough to "be real" and not hold back. Someone had to do it - I'm always afraid of offending. Your fear is mine, too, that Trish might not make it safely home one of these times.

Trish, you're wrong that no one gets what you're talking about. Most of us are here because we've struggled with not fitting in. We wonder why we don't want what we're programmed to strive for. I used to wonder why I wasn't like my peers, but I gave up worrying about it and focused on what made me happy and excited about life. As Jules mentioned, happiness is found when you give of yourself. I used to think that was a ridiculous statement. After decades of numbing myself, trying to fit in, I finally understand what it means. Who better than you to be a drug counselor, for example? Think of all the young souls you could help save. You've written yourself off right out of the gate. Maybe you are afraid to move forward - you need to find out the reason for this.

I'm glad you're sitting there reading this & writing your thoughts to us. You're safe for another day. I worry about the next time your "addict mind lures you back" as Jules put it. I pray, too - to whoever/whatever is out there running this show - that you will find something to reach for to give your life meaning. Then the emptiness you try so desperately to fill will be gone.

serenityqueen

Quote:

I am never goin to be like them. With the good job carreers and bank accounts and soccer games and vacations and stuff like that.
I am never goin to own a house or have kids.
In the end its just goin to be me, myself and I.
I will never be what I am trying to be to fit in with them.
They will never understand and I will never live up to what they are.
And I dont mind really.

What's wrong with being you?

All my life I tried to be someone I wasn't. I thought that I had to be the perfect little wife, 2 kids, live in the 4 bedroom 2.5 bath home, two fairly new cars, dog, cat, running the kids to different activities every night, having the Holiday get togethers at my home . . .

The first 18 months or so that I have been in Recovery, I still was hanging on to this as the ultimate goal. Then I realized, these things were NOT MY GOALS!

I have my 1 Son. I love him so much that I honestly don't know if I could share my "Mom love" with another child.

As far as being the perfect little wife? Been marrried twice and to be honest, it's not for me. Sure, I want to meet someone, someday to share my life with but right now, I'm going to be selfish, if you want to call it that. I enjoy doing what I want, when I want and not having to "answer" to anyone but the good Lord above.

Having the big house? Don't want the hassle of cleaning it Don't want to worry about a mortgage. I love being able to call the landlord when something goes wrong. Hell, I hate cutting the grass!

I really think you are just scared Trish. . . and angry as hell. Yes, the system with all the insurance can's and cannot's is pretty screwed up. When you were begging for help to go inpatient, they said nope. But Hon, life is full of nopes, sorrys, no can do's. I've had to learn that I can't let these no can do's keep me from getting what I want and need out of life. I turned all of those doors slammed into my face as my own personal quest. I fight for what I need, I refuse to take no for an answer. I get what I need, but not always the way I want it.

You are not unique at all in the aspect of wanting to just run away to where no one knows you. I had those thoughts so many times and to be honest, when things aren't going the way Judy wants them to go, I sometimes get those thoughts. I'll feel like my Son isn't giving me the attention or time that I want from him and I'll say to him,"When Grandma passes away, I'm moving to another state, I'm going to start over, go where no one knows me . . . " But what the hell would that do for me? I'd see my Son maybe once a year over a Holiday Weekend.

I think something else that would make a huge difference in your life is for you to find a job that you truly enjoy. By no means am I saying that there is anything wrong in working in a restaurant or cleaning rooms in a hotel. I worked in restaurants and restaurant mgt for many years and really liked it alot. But the day came where I began dreading going into work. I knew I had to make a change. But I didn't know what I wanted to do. I tried different types of work and found my niche in the working world right before I had to stop working due to my disabilities. But what I really want to do is to go back to school, get my degree or whatever it takes to be a Chemical Dependency Counselor specializing in working with teenagers. That's the point in my life where it seemed to set the course for the next 25 years. After my pelvis heals up, I am more than likely going to have to have back surgery, but once that heals, I'm going to go back to school. I WILL get that degree, certificate, whatever I need to work in the field. I am seriously considering volunteering at an agency that those without insurance can get the help they need. Sorry, back to you, if you don't know what kind of work/career you want, you can start on an Associates Degree and begin taking the basic courses that everyone needs, Math, English, Sociology, Psychology, damn near every Associates Degree requires at least one or two classes in these areas.

You have so much to offer. Nearly everytime I see your name on here, I think about when I first joined SR and revealed that I have Lupus. You sent me the PM, so excited to tell me about the fundraiser you held outside of, was it WalMart? You were so proud of yourself and you should be. You have some qualities that can't be taught in school. You have compassion, determination, street smarts and bullheadedness. You can use these things to accomplish damn near anything in life that you put your mind to. I just think you have such a low sense of self worth that you won't even try to do something that requires any time or dedication.

I'll spare you any more ramblings from the woman sitting in her jammies, drinking Diet Pepsi & smoking cigarettes at her computer on this Holiday morning. I just want you to know that I care so much about you. If you ever have any doubts about how much you are loved on here, look at how many people viewed this thread. While you were MIA, I know I clicked on here damn near every hour, hoping to see you checked in as I'm sure many, many people did too. You have touched the hearts of so many people on here because nearly every single one of us can identify with what you are going through, what you're feeling and just want to wrap our arms around you in support.

Much love, many prayers & tons of cyber hugs,
Judy
:ghug2

Jomey

Hey Trish - glad you are home. I love you and I care about you and I miss you when you are gone. Jomey

Horselover

I am glad to see you came back, but I can't say I'm relieved. I read this and I am not seeing Trish. I am seeing this addiction in overdrive. The addiction loves to make us feel like outsiders and not worthy of becoming well again. Its as though its got its arms wrapped around you and you are giving up the fight. I sure hope that's not the case. You know you have always seemed to have a problem with accepting love from people here and that's exactly where the addiction goes. You are not worthy to be like "them." That is the biggest line of B.S.! Most of everything posted is what the addiction told most of us when we were active in it. The Stranger in a Strange Land mentality has got to go. You do fit in. You more then fit in to SR. You are one of the most empathetic people I have met here. Fight it Trish! Its lying to you and you can't see it right now, but trust me when I say this is NOT you!!

You love your Grams and it would really upset you to hurt her. That's the Trish I know. You love your cousins. You were proud of yourself when you found out your Dad really does love you, but he wants you to get better and felt it necessary to step back. Your family DOES matter. The people on SR do matter. The world DOES matter. You are not emotionless. You are not a loner. You care and we care. I hope that got through to you and that addictive thinking can take a long deserved hike!

Love you by the way, but you knew that.

mle-sober

Trish,

Someone else I care about who is having a hard time getting clean asked me, "Emilie, why do you even care?"

I'll tell you what I told him: I care because I care about you as a person. I've seen you struggle to be a good person, struggle to understand yourself, struggle to find balance. I've seen you rejoice in accomplishment. And be really sad and confused when you felt you had failed. I care about YOU.

But I also care about your addiction. I take it personally. Each addict or alcoholic represents me, in a way. My own horrible struggle to find recovery. My ongoing struggle to stay sober. I hate drugs and alcohol and what we do to ourselves with them. I hate how they give us the opportunity to live a life half-way. To live a life that is almost like living the life of the substance we are abusing rather than living our own life.

I get angry. Angry at the substance. Angry at the user. Just angry. And, really, it's anger at myself for drinking for so long and making such a mess of it all for so long.

When I read this post and how you went back out (and how I'd say you are still currently in the relapse process) I just felt all of the same feelings I've felt for my friend I told you about.

I wish you would surrender to recovery.

With all the love and affection and hope and sorrow,

Emilie

Aysha

I watched an intervntion on a guy names Lawrence yesterday.
I dont usually watch the alcoholic episodes.
I dont know why. But this one had me stuck.
This guy was a successful business owner of like 7 tanning salons.
He was very nice looking and had taken care of his family at the young age of 20 and built himself from that point on.
He became an alcoholic and had the most severe denial I think I myself ahve ever seen in my life. People are asking him what is in his cup and he is acting like he doesnt know. And that he only has 1 or 2 drinks and not everyday. The guy does nothing but drink strait vodka all day long.
And he looked like he convinced himself and believed that too.
He had briuses all over him. He looked completely different than he did before he drank.
He went to treatment and was asked to leave. They found him dead not too long after that.
I just burst into tears.
My own death doesnt scare me. Its everyone elses that does.
It terrifies me. And I cant get past it. I have become very obsessed with it. Imaginng what tis liek to see soemone I love just gone. I get all deep into thinkin about it.
I oicture myself tyring to wake them up and they dont. They are gone forever and I cant comprehend that. I cant make sense of it. I dont want to believe thats it. They are never coming back.
They have to go somwhere..right?
They just arent gone.
I dont know what got me goin on that again.
I think it was finding out my ex got killed.
Death baffles me and scares the hell out of me.
But not for myself.

RobbyRobot

[[[Trish]]] you're getting a tough break again. i totally understand how using can feel righteous. it's what defines us as abusers. i read your entire post that got Jules talking on. It's a great post Trish, and i wish i didn't have to say that really, but you know, you could be absolutely right in what your posting Trish. I've known others with your kinda of challenges and your general philosophy towards life, and yeah, not all of those guys made it out. Nothing new about it, addicts die everyday, for no good reason. And more will die today, its the truth.

i could be an addict that dies today. we all could, those of us who are addicts and alcoholics. and someday anyways, eventually, we'll be that dead addict. and so what. death is a reality of life. it happens like its suppose to happen. i don't fight the truth of it. i don't much care how it works, it is what it is.

i don't like loser games though, and i don't like not being free. i don't like lame excuses, and i don't like being something that i'm not. and i ain't no loser unless i want to be, that i've totally discovered to be the truth in my life throughout my years of abusing and my years of doing it clean n' sober.

my problem back when was if i'm not such a loser, then i had to be honest and see that i was still living a losers life anyways. totally. no ****. everything in my life somehow hooked up with me as a loser. no way out for me to see. i pretty well always gave up at that point, and just used anyways, nothing to lose, lol.

other times i would stick it out, and not abuse my life with more alcohol and drugs. and of course, my day-to-day life got better but, my overall life got worse. yeah, worse, because i just could not see the point of being clean forever. fukk that. why live a useless life without alcohol when i could easily live a useless life with alcohol. a no-brainer. heh.

what made the difference for me was not really about me. it was when i went asking for help through AA and NA, and in rez rehab that i found my path through it all, and it's the same path i walk this very day. i help others to help me help them help all of us help each other. that's it. nothing more than that. my life has always worked everyday since July 1981, and when i didn't work the helping others thing before 1981, my life always failed everyday. just like clockwork.

helping others is no treat really. its hard work. full lip service is easy, really helping is not. flash is here today gone tomorrow. being there for others takes a life of devotion to others from the getgo. being there for others is more than being friends, or being loving. its being there, in their shoes, talking their talk and walking their walk. its not something eveybody wants to do for others.

some folks just want to be friends with others, and failing that, they'll settle for fukked friendships, and just learn how to dance through the saddest songs of everybodies meangingless lives, including their own. its a free world, don't cha' know, heh heh.

some other folks want friends and family both so they have more to stand with, but again, failing that, they'll settle for being codies in a fukked relationship, and they just learn to drown out the noise and the violence with the bliss given from lust and ignorance.

some folks love everybody somehow through it all and manage to stay off the slip n' slide of using and abusing and rack up some impressive clean time. they pat themselves on the back, all their friends and families pat them right back, they have lotsa things to live for, and life is sweet. ya, baby, rock on!! and then they throw it all away in a day to use and abuse just like they always did 'cept this time it will be different, or it will be the same, or worse, whatever, the story keeps changing, like who cares anyways. yeah, they settle for only wanting a real life with real people in a real world, doing real things, and if that is not "really happening", then, omfg, life is phoney baloney, and fukk that!! no way those folks are gonna be losers! no way! they would rather be "real" and so if life sucks, then pump up the volume, get the show on the road, and party on with all that truth and honesty taking over their life them now being so real and all. selfish and self-centered is all they are, but since they are so busy being really and true to themselves, they got no reason to be phoney, and so they throw themselves a holiday. heh heh.

and then there are those last few folks who would have been better off dead. we all have known them. and yeah, they do die. they just die off dead and gone. everybody knows the're pretty well hopeless, they don't really go the distance, and they have people agreeing that things going bad, but, you know, don't give up no matter what yada yada yada. those folks are fukked and that's the truth, so just deal with it as best they can, and move on to oblivion as they get to it. how sad is that?

finally, there are the last of the last. the ones who should be dead but are still alive. these fukks are actually throwing away their lives anyways because they do know the anwsers but so what? they do care but so what? they could help but so what? they could make a difference in somebody's life but so what? Everybody dies anyways right? not their problem for whatever reasons. these people settle for just not caring because they don't have to care, its all about choice, its all about responsibility and ownership, its all about the way life is, don't hate them, hate what they do kinda folk. hahaha.

What is recovery really? what is living free and clean? what is a good life? dose it matter? will it always matter? is love real? who really cares?

who the fukk knows? i don't. i say i know, but, its actually just my ES&H that speaks for me, same as any one else. at the end of the day, i'm just another alcoholic drug addict doing my thing today for better or worse.

My ES&H tells me that helping others helps ourselves. there is not a better life to live than to give onto others. loving others as we love ourselves is the key. not as we want to love others, but loving others as we actually love ourselves. walk the talk. be in the moment. be ourselves. be all that we can be the good, the bad, the ugly.

to love others i must first love myself. period. end of story. if i don't love my self then i hate myself. and then i hate others. my ES&H is that love trumps all. love always wins and hate always loses. winners win and losers lose. to discover love i had to become powerless and stay powerless. big problem at first. -- impossible back in my day -- and yet now, today, my being powerless is as easy as breathing. ~LMAO~

my acceptance of doing onto others first before me saved my sorry life. i should be dead. i'm alive because i care about others no more or less than i care about myself. my undersatanding that other people die wanting to live and they die anyways shames me if i don't care about others at least as the same as me. love is as love does.

not all of us recovering are going to make it out alive sober and sweet and clean. not all of us are gonna die fukked up either. the thing is, most of us will keep somewhere in between abusing and not abusing, and living that kind of a "life"

i remember on some other thread of yours some two months back i think, Jules and i and some others voiced how helping others rocks, and how it may serve a purpose in your life Trish. same story here, i see. do the right thing here, girl.

[[[Jules]]] for having the purpose to walk the talk with our friend Trish. friends like you [[[Jules and Trish]]] make the world a better placer to live and die in. thats my ES&H.

Rock On.

RobbyRobot

mle-sober

Trish,

By imagining that scenario and getting deeply invested in the imagination, you are feeding your self misery. That feeds your disease. It takes practice but one small tool to help you fight your craving is to stop allowing yourself to get deeply invested in imaginary scenes that are negative and to start getting deeply invested in positive imaginary scenes. It takes time and work but knowing that you are feeding your disease by doing that might help you stop.

Emilie

mikefreak

Sounds like you are having a BIG post-high let down. Life is far from perfect, as you may know. Just because you do not live in the pipedream of a nice little house with a white picket fence does'nt mean something is oh-so-terrible WITH YOU. You should quit comparing yourself with others because there will always be people who are "lower" & "higher" than you. Get yourself straight, be the best person you can be, do the best you can, & take it from there. People like you & I ARE JUST DIFFERENT. We have our own little way of doing things to get to the same place. It does'nt mean we are lousy people or are inferior. Believe it or not, there is SOMEONE "out there" who is doing worse than you. Put this little episode on the shelf tomorrow & TRY AGAIN. xoxoxxxooxoxox, Mike

gerryP

Chiynita,

It's evident that everyone cares about you and wants you to find it within yourself to come out the other end of this addiction that has you in it's grip.

I say this gently and with compassion, but I don't see how most of these posts can possibly be helpful in you getting the *real* help you so obviously need. I have read your threads and posts and you are a serial relapser and at times I've read that you have never bought into your quitting as ever being for forever. I see a lot of pity on your part and frankly not enough or perhaps *real desire*. I know you ran around with your head cut off trying to get into inpatient treatment the last time, but your insurance wouldn't cover it. However, the success rate in staying sober after treatment is approximately 3-5%. It's an inside job Chiynita. It's about learning life skills and coping skills. I really wish you could concentrate on getting the help you need and then concentrating on staying clean.

I really wish you the best, I really do, but I don't see how all this love bombing is useful. We all need support and know we matter but none of it seems to have helped you stay clean. What *is* the answer Chiynita ?

adore79

I cried at the episode of Lawrence also when I saw it.

Im not afraid of death either but i know how much pain my death would cause my family and friends and that thought has kept me alive many times. Just like you mourn the death of others we would mourn your death. I dont want to mourn your death though, which is why i wish you wouldnt go out, but i understand. hang in there sweetie.

Bamboozle

Chiy, I was going to write out a long response, but my power flashed off. Jules had a fantastic post and I really don't have much to add.

I am curious, though. You said you are lazy.

People might see me as lazy. I never get anything accomplished and I always start things and never finish.

I have depression. It certainly makes it hard to find the motivation to keep going and to concentrate. I have suicidal thoughts often, and when the thoughts aren't suicidal, they are of the hopeless-indifferent-apathetic variety. If I'm really lucky, I'll be optimistic. I have mood swings all the time. My mind is the one in control. I know that sounds stupid because I am my mind...but I'm constantly fighting against what it wants to think/do.

Being indifferent, "lazy", and hopeless sounds a lot like some of the symptoms of depression to me. I'm not an expert or a doctor, but I really wish you'd see one, even if it's only to rule it out.

I've read many of your posts and I still wonder if there could be something more than the addiction going on. I apologize if you've already seen someone. I won't lie...I'm worried about you, and if it's something like depression it can be treated.

vegibean

Trish, we are all no different than you. I believe we all have been there done that and I am pretty sure that people here are going to continue to support you as we all know what a crappy, deceiving battle addiction is.

I am glad that you checked in and in NO WAY do I judge you. I know so many people who have "gone back out" and more than once. It's part of the process for some of us, research if you will.

Just keep coming back!!!

least

When I'm drinking my depression gets unbearable and my anti depressants don't help. Please see someone, a doctor, about your symptoms, if you haven't already. If it's depression it's treatable and can take away your bad feelings about yourself. You are worth so much, even if you can't see it yourself.