Aysha

Here it is Friday again. Did good last week. Had cash all week from last payday adn still have it.
But today is really hard.
I am all but goin at this point.
I am planning in my head if I want them to come out here or if I am goin to ask my cousin to use her car later for some reason so I can go cop real quick.
My van's brakes are metal on metal so I cant drive it that far.
There is always a way. Even way out here in the burbs.
I feel so flippin sick to my stomach and my heart is jumpin out my chest.
I got my uncashed check right here.
I dont want to do it.
But then I do.
I am so over this battling crap every dam week.
I am remembering the last time and everything like that.
Doesnt matter.
Isnt helping.
Maybe I really am not done for real.
Maybe I never will be.
I am hangin on so friggin tight right now.

FizzyWater

Don't do it Chiy, you know yourself its not the answer.

Hang in there and things will get better.

Easy said I know but ..................................

suki44883

Don't do it, sweetie. You're just starting to get things back on track. Use that money to go get your brakes fixed. Take someone with you so you don't take any detours. You can be strong, Chiy! We're all here for you, hun.

Astro

We say that nothing changes if nothing changes.

So instead of doing what you usually do, how about changing this time and doing something different?

Maybe this time you could say no to what your brain is telling you, and be done for real.

Trish.....don't do it.

mtnmagic

Chiy - You've been down this road many times. It's not worth it, never ever worth it and down right dangerous. Glad you checked in. I've got to go to work in a few minutes, but want you to know that I'm thinking about you and worried about you. I know you can be strong enough to NOT cave in to your addiction.

Anna

You're the only one who can make the change, Trish.

adore79

Just hang out here instead. You have a choice.

Rowan

You're still online, Trish, so you haven't gone yet.

What will it take before you surrender?

Make a conscious decision to do something different.

This is where it is vital that you have face-to-face support, at the very least.

IO Storm

Trish..

How long will you suffer. You've heard some of us say it is not a requirement, yet

it seems to "keep happening"..doesn't it?

With a program..that payday will come, and go..it won't be a build up of tension

and inner turmoil like you are experiencing now...time, after time, after time.

You will have people you can call. They will help you..you will be accountable.

This weight will fall off you...accountability does this for us.

As Row suggested, face to face support is vital ...Trish.

This "burning energy" you have now..the desire to run..to use..please find a

meeting..

Sher

flutter

I hope you didn't go, Trish

Stay here with us crazy folk!!!

Aysha

I'm goin to lay down. Cause pretty much thats all I can do when I dont go. Is just shut down and curl up in a ball and ride it out.
Sry..Not the ideal way to cope. But thats what I'm goin to do right now.
If I can ride it out until dark. I will be ok.
I dont onow why after dark. But it just seems like the safe point.

Believe808

Trish, like Rowan and IO said, you need to change what you are doing. Do you think by picking up things will change, NOT they will only get worst. Going to meetings in a way forces you to be accountable to someone else. Please hang in there, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Just keep saying to yourself, you will not buy or use for today. Then tomorrow say the same thing. You will get through this. Be strong Honey.

TTOSBT

Chiy,
I hope you are napping and have not gone.
Girl, how long have you been sober this time?
Please do not let yourself down or abuse the trust that you have built again.
Honey, it does get better. We do recover. Just do NOT pick up!
Call your cousin and tell her what you are thinkin so don't let you borrow the car or go out yourself to someone self. You will be amazed at how good it will feel if you let the power out of it. Truly.

Mattcake

Sending you a lot of encouragement, support and love

michelle01

Being substance free/sober is about more in the long run than just not drinking/using. (That probably sounds very AA/NA.) If we wish for it to continue, I believe that there are long term, dynamic lifestyle and personal changes that have to be made. Otherwise it's very easy for the addiction to get a foothold once again, and you're right in the 'intermittent' period. Meetings and face to face support helped me a great deal. I know it's not easy, but you've made great progress over the past few weeks in many areas and making this your first priority under some fairly distracting circumstances. Please take care this weekend.

Astro

How about using that cash to get your brakes fixed, or buy something, anything, nice for yourself?

michelle01

Have you read these links, which I've sometimes seen on this site - I found them very clarifying.

Mistaken Beliefs About Relapse - Alcohol and Drug Information
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

IO Storm

I'll be logging off Trish..soon.

TTOSBT gave some good advice...(because what is stopping you from getting up from

the "nap" and running..are you strong enough?)

Call your cousin..anyone supportive of your sobriety and clean time..and tell them

what is going on with you.

A nap is okay..but have a safety net in place for when the nap is over..OK?

And don't use "no matter what" just for today is always true.

Love you Trish.

Horselover

I love ya too Trish and I sure hope you don't go out. You have been such a strong supporter to me this past week with my son. You are a good person and you need to treat yourself with some respect. I certainly have respect for you. I do hope you find someone you can turn to when these urges strike. By that I mean someone you can call and go have a coffee or a milkshake with. Someone who knows what its like to fight these moments off. Can only do so much from this distance. Will be praying for you today.

Jomey

Come on, Trish, I know you can stay strong thru this...you are ALWAYS here for all of us when we are low...follow the good advice here...find a meeting, get the van fixed, treat yourself to something nice, anything but go out! Prayers for you, sweetheart - Jomey