Class of May
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Wow, so much good stuff here. Funny that you should bring up synchronicity...I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and it is our responsibility to pay attention in order to "see" the lesson embedded therein. I'm just going to toss out some random thoughts that I have had, so bear with me...
I don't know how to explain it, but when I am drinking, I feel like I live inside my head. When I am not drinking, I feel like my attention is focused outward, full of energy, and excited about new experiences.
I was away for a good chunk of the winter, living in a new place. BECAUSE it was new, I had no memories, associations, etc that held me back or down. As I result, I stretched myself. Not only did I do new things and feel new feelings, but I WATCHED myself doing them I think I grew a lot, discovering strengths as well as weaknesses. I did much better not drinking (best in my life, actually) and it seemed less tempting. Now that I am back in my "old" environment for the summer, I feel crowded by old associations, patterns, habits, etc. BUT, having had the winter to reflect back on, I can SEE these old patterns, have a new inner strength, and CHOOSE not to fall into them out of HABIT. Does this make any sense???!!!
The book "Eat, Pray, Love" had a profound impact on me. I could relate to her yearning for "something". I feel it too. Something's pulling me towards a new me, a different me. It's like my drinking me, my old ways of relating and coping are a skin I no longer want. So, with that in mind, I am considering several retreats, by myself (my family understands). I feel like I need to push my buttons, test myself in ways that I can't define. And, the strangest thing is, that I feel this is NECESSARY for me. As if it is my next step (even though where that will take me is unclear) and one I have to take in order to grow.
I'm humble enough (I hope) to realize that, although I feel a personal sense of quest, I also see it in many others. Like in the recent posts here. Almost like an undercurrent, pulling us all. Personally, I feel a sense of excitement, and fear, if I am honest. But I don't think that I have any choice. I guess that is my point.
I don't know how to explain it, but when I am drinking, I feel like I live inside my head. When I am not drinking, I feel like my attention is focused outward, full of energy, and excited about new experiences.
I was away for a good chunk of the winter, living in a new place. BECAUSE it was new, I had no memories, associations, etc that held me back or down. As I result, I stretched myself. Not only did I do new things and feel new feelings, but I WATCHED myself doing them I think I grew a lot, discovering strengths as well as weaknesses. I did much better not drinking (best in my life, actually) and it seemed less tempting. Now that I am back in my "old" environment for the summer, I feel crowded by old associations, patterns, habits, etc. BUT, having had the winter to reflect back on, I can SEE these old patterns, have a new inner strength, and CHOOSE not to fall into them out of HABIT. Does this make any sense???!!!
The book "Eat, Pray, Love" had a profound impact on me. I could relate to her yearning for "something". I feel it too. Something's pulling me towards a new me, a different me. It's like my drinking me, my old ways of relating and coping are a skin I no longer want. So, with that in mind, I am considering several retreats, by myself (my family understands). I feel like I need to push my buttons, test myself in ways that I can't define. And, the strangest thing is, that I feel this is NECESSARY for me. As if it is my next step (even though where that will take me is unclear) and one I have to take in order to grow.
I'm humble enough (I hope) to realize that, although I feel a personal sense of quest, I also see it in many others. Like in the recent posts here. Almost like an undercurrent, pulling us all. Personally, I feel a sense of excitement, and fear, if I am honest. But I don't think that I have any choice. I guess that is my point.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Unknown
Posts: 122
I have to go to Chicago tomorrow. Even through this slip and this manicness and the depression I was excited about it until yesterday. The past two days I've woken up feeling like I got no sleep at all. My brain hurts. I'm horribly depressed. I don't know if I've even the energy to fake normalcy this weekend, much less enthusiasm. I feel like I've slipped all the way down the mountain here, landed on my back, broken, waiting for the circling vulture to devour whats left, quite apathetic to my fate...
I know what you mean about the pulling, except I'm never quite pulled in the same direction for long. Up, down, sideways, inside of my own head, outside and beyond, sometimes everywhere at once. I'm an infected machine, a virus percolating through my various levels of consciousness. I've been having disturbing dreams lately, dreams of people I should have forgotten long ago, dreams of intense emotion and breaking points, dreams that leave me yearning when I awake, like there's a black hole at the back of my brain sucking all life into and out of me at rapidly and variating pulpitations...
I feel sick, very mentally sick, physically follows...
When I don't drink for long periods this begins to even out, I normalize to a certain degree, but then I get so bored with that, I look for those extremes, I try to find them through excersize, meditation, chocolate, anything I can, but inevitably I devolve back to known methods, then the fallout, but I don't know another way...
I think I started too young, my body grew up on chemicals, puberty and alcoholism started at the same time for me, and back then I drank with a vengeance, whiskey, lots of it, 13 years old until about 22, then I switched to beer and it was just like being sober for me, that was moderation, when I tried to cut that out I devolved into binging, it's like getting struck by lightning every other month, a real shock to my body now, I'm not consistently sick now I just try to kill myself with binges every so often, like my AV switched to guerrilla tactics, guerrilla wars are much harder to win...
When will this war end? I can't think coherantly today...
I know what you mean about the pulling, except I'm never quite pulled in the same direction for long. Up, down, sideways, inside of my own head, outside and beyond, sometimes everywhere at once. I'm an infected machine, a virus percolating through my various levels of consciousness. I've been having disturbing dreams lately, dreams of people I should have forgotten long ago, dreams of intense emotion and breaking points, dreams that leave me yearning when I awake, like there's a black hole at the back of my brain sucking all life into and out of me at rapidly and variating pulpitations...
I feel sick, very mentally sick, physically follows...
When I don't drink for long periods this begins to even out, I normalize to a certain degree, but then I get so bored with that, I look for those extremes, I try to find them through excersize, meditation, chocolate, anything I can, but inevitably I devolve back to known methods, then the fallout, but I don't know another way...
I think I started too young, my body grew up on chemicals, puberty and alcoholism started at the same time for me, and back then I drank with a vengeance, whiskey, lots of it, 13 years old until about 22, then I switched to beer and it was just like being sober for me, that was moderation, when I tried to cut that out I devolved into binging, it's like getting struck by lightning every other month, a real shock to my body now, I'm not consistently sick now I just try to kill myself with binges every so often, like my AV switched to guerrilla tactics, guerrilla wars are much harder to win...
When will this war end? I can't think coherantly today...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Siamcat, you wrote:
When I don't drink for long periods this begins to even out, I normalize to a certain degree, but then I get so bored with that, I look for those extremes, I try to find them through excersize, meditation, chocolate, anything I can, but inevitably I devolve back to known methods, then the fallout, but I don't know another way...
and I can understand that. But for me, I think that it's not so much boredom, but that it's fear. Fear of feeling good? I don't know, but it certainly creates anxiety (which leads me straight to a bottle to shut it up). But you say that you've had periods of sobriety and I think those periods offer hope and courage to deal with who we are. And we have to eventually. We can postpone, numb, and run from it for a while, but it's always there, regardless.
And Steam, you wrote..
I decided it's been all in my head, and there is nothing holding me back.
And that too is true for me. I have been the one holding me back. Whether it be from fear, boredom or whatever, it's been me.
That's why this compulsion (that's how it feels) is both scary, but also exciting. As I said, I feel as if I have no choice.
You know, it's funny because the stereotype of an alcoholic is so lame: kind of dimwitted, myopic, self centered and blinkered, when, in fact, I see us as totally opposite. Very sensitive, creative, intelligent and plagued (and paralyzed) by having too many choices, not too few. I remember taking an Abnormal Psych class in college and being struck by a painting done by a schizophrenic and thinking that they and people on drugs having a lot in common: the inability to catalogue experiences and thoughts into the proper (normal?) compartments, thereby feeling flooded by all sorts of random stimuli without any way to organize them. Keep in mind that I was pretty young and may have totally missed something, but sometimes that's how I feel now...flooded.
This feeling of being overwhelmed and flooded combined with alcohol is a toxic mix and produces feelings that are out of control, but with sobriety, I think, can be a ticket to incredible growth and personal creativity.
My biggest obstacle (as I have said before) is fear. But I intend on using it as an impetus, not an impediment.
When I don't drink for long periods this begins to even out, I normalize to a certain degree, but then I get so bored with that, I look for those extremes, I try to find them through excersize, meditation, chocolate, anything I can, but inevitably I devolve back to known methods, then the fallout, but I don't know another way...
and I can understand that. But for me, I think that it's not so much boredom, but that it's fear. Fear of feeling good? I don't know, but it certainly creates anxiety (which leads me straight to a bottle to shut it up). But you say that you've had periods of sobriety and I think those periods offer hope and courage to deal with who we are. And we have to eventually. We can postpone, numb, and run from it for a while, but it's always there, regardless.
And Steam, you wrote..
I decided it's been all in my head, and there is nothing holding me back.
And that too is true for me. I have been the one holding me back. Whether it be from fear, boredom or whatever, it's been me.
That's why this compulsion (that's how it feels) is both scary, but also exciting. As I said, I feel as if I have no choice.
You know, it's funny because the stereotype of an alcoholic is so lame: kind of dimwitted, myopic, self centered and blinkered, when, in fact, I see us as totally opposite. Very sensitive, creative, intelligent and plagued (and paralyzed) by having too many choices, not too few. I remember taking an Abnormal Psych class in college and being struck by a painting done by a schizophrenic and thinking that they and people on drugs having a lot in common: the inability to catalogue experiences and thoughts into the proper (normal?) compartments, thereby feeling flooded by all sorts of random stimuli without any way to organize them. Keep in mind that I was pretty young and may have totally missed something, but sometimes that's how I feel now...flooded.
This feeling of being overwhelmed and flooded combined with alcohol is a toxic mix and produces feelings that are out of control, but with sobriety, I think, can be a ticket to incredible growth and personal creativity.
My biggest obstacle (as I have said before) is fear. But I intend on using it as an impetus, not an impediment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Siamcat, you wrote:
When I don't drink for long periods this begins to even out, I normalize to a certain degree, but then I get so bored with that, I look for those extremes, I try to find them through excersize, meditation, chocolate, anything I can, but inevitably I devolve back to known methods, then the fallout, but I don't know another way...
and I can understand that. But for me, I think that it's not so much boredom, but that it's fear. Fear of feeling good? I don't know, but it certainly creates anxiety (which leads me straight to a bottle to shut it up). But you say that you've had periods of sobriety and I think those periods offer hope and courage to deal with who we are. And we have to eventually. We can postpone, numb, and run from it for a while, but it's always there, regardless.
And Steam, you wrote..
I decided it's been all in my head, and there is nothing holding me back.
And that too is true for me. I have been the one holding me back. Whether it be from fear, boredom or whatever, it's been me.
That's why this compulsion (that's how it feels) is both scary, but also exciting. As I said, I feel as if I have no choice.
You know, it's funny because the stereotype of an alcoholic is so lame: kind of dimwitted, myopic, self centered and blinkered, when, in fact, I see us as totally opposite. Very sensitive, creative, intelligent and plagued (and paralyzed) by having too many choices, not too few. I remember taking an Abnormal Psych class in college and being struck by a painting done by a schizophrenic and thinking that they and people on drugs having a lot in common: the inability to catalogue experiences and thoughts into the proper (normal?) compartments, thereby feeling flooded by all sorts of random stimuli without any way to organize them. Keep in mind that I was pretty young and may have totally missed something, but sometimes that's how I feel now...flooded.
This feeling of being overwhelmed and flooded combined with alcohol is a toxic mix for me and produces feelings that are out of control, but with sobriety, I think, can be a ticket to incredible growth and personal creativity.
My biggest obstacle (as I have said before) is fear. But I intend on using it as an impetus, not an impediment.
When I don't drink for long periods this begins to even out, I normalize to a certain degree, but then I get so bored with that, I look for those extremes, I try to find them through excersize, meditation, chocolate, anything I can, but inevitably I devolve back to known methods, then the fallout, but I don't know another way...
and I can understand that. But for me, I think that it's not so much boredom, but that it's fear. Fear of feeling good? I don't know, but it certainly creates anxiety (which leads me straight to a bottle to shut it up). But you say that you've had periods of sobriety and I think those periods offer hope and courage to deal with who we are. And we have to eventually. We can postpone, numb, and run from it for a while, but it's always there, regardless.
And Steam, you wrote..
I decided it's been all in my head, and there is nothing holding me back.
And that too is true for me. I have been the one holding me back. Whether it be from fear, boredom or whatever, it's been me.
That's why this compulsion (that's how it feels) is both scary, but also exciting. As I said, I feel as if I have no choice.
You know, it's funny because the stereotype of an alcoholic is so lame: kind of dimwitted, myopic, self centered and blinkered, when, in fact, I see us as totally opposite. Very sensitive, creative, intelligent and plagued (and paralyzed) by having too many choices, not too few. I remember taking an Abnormal Psych class in college and being struck by a painting done by a schizophrenic and thinking that they and people on drugs having a lot in common: the inability to catalogue experiences and thoughts into the proper (normal?) compartments, thereby feeling flooded by all sorts of random stimuli without any way to organize them. Keep in mind that I was pretty young and may have totally missed something, but sometimes that's how I feel now...flooded.
This feeling of being overwhelmed and flooded combined with alcohol is a toxic mix for me and produces feelings that are out of control, but with sobriety, I think, can be a ticket to incredible growth and personal creativity.
My biggest obstacle (as I have said before) is fear. But I intend on using it as an impetus, not an impediment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Thanks for the thanks Allie. You posted earlier about focusing on you. I think that's what we have to do (and thank God, my family understands this). My daughter told me a few months ago that I was more self-centered. At first, I recoiled in horror, but then I wondered if she saw me as more centered on self, which has an entirely different feel (and is true). Being the mom (and an alcoholic to boot), I have ALWAYS put myself last (and then played the martyr, if I'm honest). So AM I more self-centered, or more centered on self? I'm not sure and I don't dismiss her comments, by any means, but I don't think it's such a bad thing either. We HAVE to focus on ourselves in sobriety, because I think we lost "ourselves" somewhere along the way...
Anyways, about putting the drink off until tomorrow, I say do whatever gets you through
OK, enough philosophizing for me, I'm hungry! Have a well evening, everyone.
Hugs,
Seek
PS: ADAAT, Redshift (and anyone else whom I may have forgotten)...I hope you are OK....
Anyways, about putting the drink off until tomorrow, I say do whatever gets you through
OK, enough philosophizing for me, I'm hungry! Have a well evening, everyone.
Hugs,
Seek
PS: ADAAT, Redshift (and anyone else whom I may have forgotten)...I hope you are OK....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Unknown
Posts: 122
You hit it right on the nail, a way to quiet the mind. It's difficult for me to maintain any other way of doing this without devolving back to drinking. I don't know how to channel everything completely into a different outlet, perhaps there's the answer right there, not enough outlets, too many inlets...
Schizoprenics in ancient times would have been called Shamans. Society doesn't recognize the sacred or the magical anymore. If we can't understand it we immediately stamp it with a label, put it on drugs and lock it away. It is a sign of cultural sickness to me, but on and on it goes...
I'm not bringing my laptop to Chicago. Please be well and have a safe weekend everyone...
Schizoprenics in ancient times would have been called Shamans. Society doesn't recognize the sacred or the magical anymore. If we can't understand it we immediately stamp it with a label, put it on drugs and lock it away. It is a sign of cultural sickness to me, but on and on it goes...
I'm not bringing my laptop to Chicago. Please be well and have a safe weekend everyone...
Newbie
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 109
I'm feeling a lot more positive today. It's my 19th day. If this is the Class of May do we all go to another thread called the Class of June after or do we still post here (I'm new and I don't understand!)
Some interesting ideas on this thread.
I get very unstable moods and alcohol has been a way for me to even my moods out. I got really drunk and then would have a bad hangover the next day but I could get rid of the hangover by drinking the next day. I felt that at least with the cycle of drinking that at least I would know my symptoms and I wouldn't have to focus on what was going on in my mind.
Some interesting ideas on this thread.
I get very unstable moods and alcohol has been a way for me to even my moods out. I got really drunk and then would have a bad hangover the next day but I could get rid of the hangover by drinking the next day. I felt that at least with the cycle of drinking that at least I would know my symptoms and I wouldn't have to focus on what was going on in my mind.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
Once you are in May Wednesday you are a member for life there is no escape.
My moods are all over the place too at the moment, the down swings I can normally cope with, after all when I drink I am always down and it may not be pleasant but it is familiar.
What is scary for me is those times when I feel hope and see the posibilities of life stretching out before me, I am so used to hopelessness and not expecting anything from either myself or others that I don't really know how to deal with these feelings.
It would be so easy to scurry back to my dark little world but I don't want to do that, I owe it to myself to try and experience life to the full no matter how much it scares me.
there is no escape.My moods are all over the place too at the moment, the down swings I can normally cope with, after all when I drink I am always down and it may not be pleasant but it is familiar.
What is scary for me is those times when I feel hope and see the posibilities of life stretching out before me, I am so used to hopelessness and not expecting anything from either myself or others that I don't really know how to deal with these feelings.
It would be so easy to scurry back to my dark little world but I don't want to do that, I owe it to myself to try and experience life to the full no matter how much it scares me.
Newbie
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 109
I am used to being down as well and I find when things are going well I'm waiting for something bad to happen.
Thanks for explaining.
Originally Posted by allport 
Once you are in May Wednesday you are a member for life there is no escape.
there is no escape. Thanks for explaining.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: England
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by allport
My moods are all over the place too at the moment, the down swings I can normally cope with, after all when I drink I am always down and it may not be pleasant but it is familiar.
What is scary for me is those times when I feel hope and see the possibilities of life stretching out before me, I am so used to hopelessness and not expecting anything from either myself or others that I don't really know how to deal with these feelings.
It would be so easy to scurry back to my dark little world but I don't want to do that, I owe it to myself to try and experience life to the full no matter how much it scares me.
What is scary for me is those times when I feel hope and see the possibilities of life stretching out before me, I am so used to hopelessness and not expecting anything from either myself or others that I don't really know how to deal with these feelings.
It would be so easy to scurry back to my dark little world but I don't want to do that, I owe it to myself to try and experience life to the full no matter how much it scares me.
It is 11:23am and I have been up since 5am, went for a run in the hope it would inspire me which it didn't. Since 7:30 I have been back to bed, not because I'm tired but just because I cant concentrate on anything and don't want to do anything other than drink.
As I was lying there I was comparing this sobriety with being back on the booze and hungover. Sober, I'm still doing what I would be doing if I were hungover as I always am on a Saturday morning-lying in bed staring into space feeling miserable and asking myself is this what life is all about.
Part of me thinks I may as well go back on the drink and be done with it. I just desperately want to "turn my head off" for a bit and escape. I keep telling myself all the reasons not to do it, but the craving is feeling pretty strong at the moment.
I thought by day 24 it would at least begin to get easier, but this is the worst I've felt yet. Yesterday I posted on this thread that if I still felt like drinking tomorrow I would, well that tomorrow is here. I haven't had a drink yet but it is very difficult.
Thanks for reading. Just wanted to get that ramble out.
I want natural highs! losts of highs! and laughter I so miss laughter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by HideorSeek
Thanks for the thanks Allie. You posted earlier about focusing on you. I think that's what we have to do (and thank God, my family understands this). My daughter told me a few months ago that I was more self-centered. At first, I recoiled in horror, but then I wondered if she saw me as more centered on self, which has an entirely different feel (and is true). Being the mom (and an alcoholic to boot), I have ALWAYS put myself last (and then played the martyr, if I'm honest). So AM I more self-centered, or more centered on self? I'm not sure and I don't dismiss her comments, by any means, but I don't think it's such a bad thing either. We HAVE to focus on ourselves in sobriety, because I think we lost "ourselves" somewhere along the way...
I can so relate to this post. I didn't realise until now that thats what I have become "Lost somewhere along the way"
I want to focus on me and my sobriety but it's so difficult when you have children. I'm not sure how I can change this. I have applied for part time hours at work as I find it hard to cope full time and bring up the kids but I just know that anyspare time will be used doing housework etc....... sigh!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Posts: 1,981
TCM thats hard, everyone here will identify with what you have said. I know I certainly do. It's the A/V that makes us think like that but that doesn't make it any easier when thats how we feel does it?
It doesn't make the cravings any less. Please stick with us on sr and try and keep busy. The feeling will pass even if it's just for a short time. Each time the feeling passes it will be longer before the next until you no longer think and feel like drinking.
This is the nature of addiction and at some point you will have to go through this and see it to the end, you may aswel make it this time. You have no gaurentee you will get another chance to beat it.
It doesn't make the cravings any less. Please stick with us on sr and try and keep busy. The feeling will pass even if it's just for a short time. Each time the feeling passes it will be longer before the next until you no longer think and feel like drinking.
This is the nature of addiction and at some point you will have to go through this and see it to the end, you may aswel make it this time. You have no gaurentee you will get another chance to beat it.
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