Day 231 and I want to use now more than ever!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Hi Pamm,
I'm so sorry that you're struggling. Remember that if you need to cry then it's okay to cry. Crying is better than using. Crying means that you're feeling stuff and feeling stuff means that you're healing. So your tears are healing tears.
And each moment you don't drink, you are giving the best gift to yourself that you ever could.
I'm so sorry that you're struggling. Remember that if you need to cry then it's okay to cry. Crying is better than using. Crying means that you're feeling stuff and feeling stuff means that you're healing. So your tears are healing tears.
And each moment you don't drink, you are giving the best gift to yourself that you ever could.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
I know it babe and thank you for the words I do and I count my blessing each and everyday cuse I dont drink today is day 260...........and I thank god for it each and everyday!!!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Deep Breath!
Too much honesty on this da*n site, I love it!
I have a problem, I dont like talking about BIG STUFF, you know the things that cause me the panic attacks and crap like that I try to move on and past it like it doesnt exsist but it does and very much so!!!
I am consintly living in fear of my ex.
I broke up with my cross addicted boyfriend of 3 years almost 3 years now, and he has set out to distroy my life as best he can..... Has come close to suceeding on several attempts. I do not leave my house without one of my family or close friends, I hear strange sounds and I am calling my firend who lives close by she and her husband come out rain or shine to make sure I am ok, we became friends after they stod up to my x when he stabbed me and had me so messed up and unconcious in the road.....I think of those times and how all of my old neighbors came rushing to help me and I wonder how I can ever repay them!!!
Then I think of the way my g/f went off on me the other day..... she sometimes reads my threads here just to check up on me I keep telling her since she is one of my biggest supporters she should join family and friends! but she wont ( DAYNA SIS YOUR HARD HEADED JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!!! I STILL LOVE YA THOUGH!!!!).... She thinks I need to be fessing up a whole lot now.
She is taking me to my drs appointment today but she cant stay as she has an appointment.......
ok everyone knows I had food posioning just recently.......and then I miscarried.....I kept throwing up worse than EVER in ANY of my pregnancies that lead to a whole new ball park........
So more Drs, and I have no insurance I tried to ignore it but it was horrid to the point I am afraid to wake up seen the drs and he said on upper and lowers both ultrasounds mris the whole thing, set my parents back almost 15 grand in under 3 months for drs bills......
Many do not know some do but I have had cancer 3 times, once was precancerious conditions still went threw the chemo..... it is something in my family, my Aunt B has had cancer 5 different and my momma has had it 7... They are thinking that maybe not only am I out of remission but that it is now in my stomache, I have chrones and diverticu something or other and stomache ulcers..... my health for some reason since I split up with my ex has gooten much worse and we can find nothing that is causing it except stress and my nerves.
I have a black eye right now, I tell ppl it is because I was almost robbed in my garage, truth of the matter is, I was outside playing with baby and before I could make it to the house my ex had had me pinned down and it was on ( LOVE MY DAUGHTER FIRST TIME SHE EVER ATTACKED ANYONE!)
But this is just some of what is going on, I know I need to fill everyone in on everything but I just can't it hurts and I hate dealing with pain as it is I am sitting here crying, when I get worked up the muscle spams start in my back and legs really bad......how do I get past the point where I am consintly living in fear???
ppl are going to say restraining orders the whole 9 yards. Let me tell you what I have. I have 15 felony warrents for his arrest. I have a restraining order in every county where I have family or a home. He is a former state trooper(cop) and has TOO MANY FRIENDS THAT COVER HIS AS!!!!
I now carry a gun ( OK I SEE PPL FREAKING ON THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!) and a CCW. The judge is the one who ordered it, I have alarms on all of my doors and windows and we have volenteer officers who patrol my area a lot I also have an officer who lives right behind me so I always am protected. But still he gets to me or at me......e mails have stopped but the threats to my family havent ( my brother was arrested for false police reports MIND YOU HE LIVES IN MISSISSIPPI!!!! AND HASNT BEEN HOME IN 6 YEARS!) I dont know what to do anymore.....
That is why I am always freaking out and why I started drinking again to begin with he made me a promise that I do totally believe is true and he will destroy himself to make it come true, he keeps promising me that he is going to kill me that no one will ever be with me again. I truely believe it is in him to do this and I have accepted it I guess....... just tired and I want a life back.
I miss taking my daughter to the park, and I miss running, I miss going to work and I mis driving around doing the thing s I want to do with the freedom that was given to me at my birth......awwwwwwwwwwwwwww
SHI*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok so there is some of it I think I am going to be in one hell of a mood this week cant believe I told you all that when it isnt even your problem or should be worrying about it!!!!!!! ( I KNOW AMY!!!!!!!!!!)
but he wont make me take a drink or do coke again or the pills I did that for myself, I got into coke because i wanted to "see" why I was always getting my as* kicked........ what I should of been doing is rolling it off of my back like I try to do so many other things!
I love you guys and I am sorry I have been keeping my mouth closed but on day 260 I decided to keep it real.....I am terrified today because of these test results and I am just worked up and a lot on my mind about JR being this close to me again.........
HUGS LOVE AND PRAYERS,
Pamm
I have a problem, I dont like talking about BIG STUFF, you know the things that cause me the panic attacks and crap like that I try to move on and past it like it doesnt exsist but it does and very much so!!!
I am consintly living in fear of my ex.
I broke up with my cross addicted boyfriend of 3 years almost 3 years now, and he has set out to distroy my life as best he can..... Has come close to suceeding on several attempts. I do not leave my house without one of my family or close friends, I hear strange sounds and I am calling my firend who lives close by she and her husband come out rain or shine to make sure I am ok, we became friends after they stod up to my x when he stabbed me and had me so messed up and unconcious in the road.....I think of those times and how all of my old neighbors came rushing to help me and I wonder how I can ever repay them!!!
Then I think of the way my g/f went off on me the other day..... she sometimes reads my threads here just to check up on me I keep telling her since she is one of my biggest supporters she should join family and friends! but she wont ( DAYNA SIS YOUR HARD HEADED JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!!! I STILL LOVE YA THOUGH!!!!).... She thinks I need to be fessing up a whole lot now.
She is taking me to my drs appointment today but she cant stay as she has an appointment.......
ok everyone knows I had food posioning just recently.......and then I miscarried.....I kept throwing up worse than EVER in ANY of my pregnancies that lead to a whole new ball park........
So more Drs, and I have no insurance I tried to ignore it but it was horrid to the point I am afraid to wake up seen the drs and he said on upper and lowers both ultrasounds mris the whole thing, set my parents back almost 15 grand in under 3 months for drs bills......
Many do not know some do but I have had cancer 3 times, once was precancerious conditions still went threw the chemo..... it is something in my family, my Aunt B has had cancer 5 different and my momma has had it 7... They are thinking that maybe not only am I out of remission but that it is now in my stomache, I have chrones and diverticu something or other and stomache ulcers..... my health for some reason since I split up with my ex has gooten much worse and we can find nothing that is causing it except stress and my nerves.
I have a black eye right now, I tell ppl it is because I was almost robbed in my garage, truth of the matter is, I was outside playing with baby and before I could make it to the house my ex had had me pinned down and it was on ( LOVE MY DAUGHTER FIRST TIME SHE EVER ATTACKED ANYONE!)
But this is just some of what is going on, I know I need to fill everyone in on everything but I just can't it hurts and I hate dealing with pain as it is I am sitting here crying, when I get worked up the muscle spams start in my back and legs really bad......how do I get past the point where I am consintly living in fear???
ppl are going to say restraining orders the whole 9 yards. Let me tell you what I have. I have 15 felony warrents for his arrest. I have a restraining order in every county where I have family or a home. He is a former state trooper(cop) and has TOO MANY FRIENDS THAT COVER HIS AS!!!!
I now carry a gun ( OK I SEE PPL FREAKING ON THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!) and a CCW. The judge is the one who ordered it, I have alarms on all of my doors and windows and we have volenteer officers who patrol my area a lot I also have an officer who lives right behind me so I always am protected. But still he gets to me or at me......e mails have stopped but the threats to my family havent ( my brother was arrested for false police reports MIND YOU HE LIVES IN MISSISSIPPI!!!! AND HASNT BEEN HOME IN 6 YEARS!) I dont know what to do anymore.....
That is why I am always freaking out and why I started drinking again to begin with he made me a promise that I do totally believe is true and he will destroy himself to make it come true, he keeps promising me that he is going to kill me that no one will ever be with me again. I truely believe it is in him to do this and I have accepted it I guess....... just tired and I want a life back.
I miss taking my daughter to the park, and I miss running, I miss going to work and I mis driving around doing the thing s I want to do with the freedom that was given to me at my birth......awwwwwwwwwwwwwww
SHI*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok so there is some of it I think I am going to be in one hell of a mood this week cant believe I told you all that when it isnt even your problem or should be worrying about it!!!!!!! ( I KNOW AMY!!!!!!!!!!)
but he wont make me take a drink or do coke again or the pills I did that for myself, I got into coke because i wanted to "see" why I was always getting my as* kicked........ what I should of been doing is rolling it off of my back like I try to do so many other things!
I love you guys and I am sorry I have been keeping my mouth closed but on day 260 I decided to keep it real.....I am terrified today because of these test results and I am just worked up and a lot on my mind about JR being this close to me again.........
HUGS LOVE AND PRAYERS,
Pamm
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Michigan -- Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Posts: 325
Pamm.... I don't know what to say Neighbor, so I'll just send HuGGGGGGs and the best, most positive vibes I can muster coming your way !! Thinking of you and praying for you...
~C
~C
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Pamm have you considered writing to the press? You would be amazed at how a little bit of bad press can get the police to start doing their job!!!
If he has all of those felony warrants out on his butt it may help a lot to get the press involved where he lives as well.
If he has all of those felony warrants out on his butt it may help a lot to get the press involved where he lives as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Press actually made it worse, but yes and thank you..........the police HAVE done the absolute best that they could as far as they could in Michigan.....every time he is arrested he is almost immedeatly picked up by Indiana ( where he is from) and released within a few hours or days of being there something about a warrent the he has, I think it is weird knowing it takes us hours to get down there to get him that they almost always release him a few hours before michigan can come to get him.....just a bunch of hoopla if you ask me.........I just want him not to exsist any more...............
oh well
Thank you and yes it was a very good idea........
The did I tell you my almost good news???? I am selling my house and moving home.....that means possiably next sememster I will be at CMU feel like girls night hopefully?!!!?? will be nice to be away from this city maybe luck will be with me this time!!!
oh well
Thank you and yes it was a very good idea........
The did I tell you my almost good news???? I am selling my house and moving home.....that means possiably next sememster I will be at CMU feel like girls night hopefully?!!!?? will be nice to be away from this city maybe luck will be with me this time!!!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Pamm you may want to contact Michigan's Attourney General, give him the whole story and ask him to contatct Indiana's Attourney General. Sometimes politicians can be helpful, especially when it is one politician talking to another one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Michigan -- Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by WLDKATZ 
The did I tell you my almost good news???? I am selling my house and moving home.....that means possiably next sememster I will be at CMU feel like girls night hopefully?!!!?? will be nice to be away from this city maybe luck will be with me this time!!!
HuGGGGGGGGGGs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Thank You, Today is one I wont be likely to forget and thank you all for the wishes and yes all will be well.....
Tazman, that is why I am working on my Masters Degree in Poli Sci........lol I want to be a well paid SOMEONE who does SOMETHING!
Tazman, that is why I am working on my Masters Degree in Poli Sci........lol I want to be a well paid SOMEONE who does SOMETHING!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
260 done in 14 mins........... I want a drink!!!
I may be depressed but I know what I want right now and right now it is a diet pepsi!!!!!!!!!!
Paws had best let me sleep I cant handle too much more today especially not going to my godmothers funeral tomarrow!!!!!!
http://www.legacy.com/OurMidland/Obi...ID=103668561It is the Jane C A one!
I may be depressed but I know what I want right now and right now it is a diet pepsi!!!!!!!!!!
Paws had best let me sleep I cant handle too much more today especially not going to my godmothers funeral tomarrow!!!!!!
http://www.legacy.com/OurMidland/Obi...ID=103668561It is the Jane C A one!
Last edited by WLDKATZ; 02-19-2008 at 09:16 PM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Pamm))))
Seems like a LOT has happened since I talked to you just a few days ago!!! I know this won't make you feel any better, but all YOUR going-on's make MINE look dull
I'm glad you're moving back home for your sake and your mom's...bet no one tries to take advantage of her with YOU around (I pity them if they do!) Kinda funny....I'm trying to move away from home, you're going back home. I've had a bit of aggrevation, living at home, but I would have never been able to get back on my feet otherwise....and besides, it's nice to be around people who know you AND love you!
I've got to call the apt. complex today...he didn't call me yesterday. Tomorrow, I'm picking up my friend, Cathy, whose getting out of prison and taking her to north GA, so may not be on here much, but I will probably still call ya!
Luv ya!
Amy
Seems like a LOT has happened since I talked to you just a few days ago!!! I know this won't make you feel any better, but all YOUR going-on's make MINE look dull
I'm glad you're moving back home for your sake and your mom's...bet no one tries to take advantage of her with YOU around (I pity them if they do!) Kinda funny....I'm trying to move away from home, you're going back home. I've had a bit of aggrevation, living at home, but I would have never been able to get back on my feet otherwise....and besides, it's nice to be around people who know you AND love you!
I've got to call the apt. complex today...he didn't call me yesterday. Tomorrow, I'm picking up my friend, Cathy, whose getting out of prison and taking her to north GA, so may not be on here much, but I will probably still call ya!
Luv ya!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
you better who is taking care of Elvis??? God I hope not Brit!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holding together sis just not making much sence right now today is the funeral and of course I am not going, Would of loved to of at least said good bye but the truth is I can do it, but of course Momma is.......as for momma wn=hen I said moving back home, yes it will probally be with them for a bit but trust me not long, actually I own my grandparents home in oil city and it has over 200 acers and my brother and his wife and kids are staying at the house but after talking with Harley he thinks as long as we ma ke the right deal with the right ppl I can put a small house up on the hill over looking the pond and of course my mother is having a fit about that becuse the only time she ever tried to commit suicide was with that pond, we have no idea how deep it is and she had just lost coustody of all of us kids and well you know depression.......I am holding in, my shrink isnt returning my calls.......not sure what is going on momma is trying to get ahold of them again today........
that is also one of the reasons I hesitate about going home, to many ppl to interfer in my life and not well meaning ones eaither, you remember those few days home my sisters are going absolutely nuts thinking I am comming home Dawn is like oh we can get your membership back at the country club.......all I could think of is geeee cool then I can cuss the judge out on my term.........WTF? I dont want that type of life again!!!!!
I AM NOT A RICH SNOB
hell I aint rich they are!!!!!!!!!!!
today feeling a hell of a lot better I actu ally cracked my back last night in bed with baby it feeeeeeeel sssssssssoooooooooooo goooooooooooooooood
good luck on the trip thought she was comming in by bus? change of plans????
Momma said hi and said be safe as well andlol she said to tell you please talk her into staying here with me her dad is driving me nuts! I wish he hadnt retired he is driving me nuts............lol
porblem is me and my step dad are just alike and always fighting although I must admit not as much lately, growing up is hard!!!!!!!!!!
going back to cover up it is cold here!!!!!!!!! Baby is getting a new sister, I cannot wait I will have to get mike to send me back the pics!
ttyl I love you!~
(damn did I just do a one sides telephone call?)
Hugs Love and prayers,
Pamm and Da Gurlz
give my nephew a hug!
Holding together sis just not making much sence right now today is the funeral and of course I am not going, Would of loved to of at least said good bye but the truth is I can do it, but of course Momma is.......as for momma wn=hen I said moving back home, yes it will probally be with them for a bit but trust me not long, actually I own my grandparents home in oil city and it has over 200 acers and my brother and his wife and kids are staying at the house but after talking with Harley he thinks as long as we ma ke the right deal with the right ppl I can put a small house up on the hill over looking the pond and of course my mother is having a fit about that becuse the only time she ever tried to commit suicide was with that pond, we have no idea how deep it is and she had just lost coustody of all of us kids and well you know depression.......I am holding in, my shrink isnt returning my calls.......not sure what is going on momma is trying to get ahold of them again today........
that is also one of the reasons I hesitate about going home, to many ppl to interfer in my life and not well meaning ones eaither, you remember those few days home my sisters are going absolutely nuts thinking I am comming home Dawn is like oh we can get your membership back at the country club.......all I could think of is geeee cool then I can cuss the judge out on my term.........WTF? I dont want that type of life again!!!!!
I AM NOT A RICH SNOB
hell I aint rich they are!!!!!!!!!!!
today feeling a hell of a lot better I actu ally cracked my back last night in bed with baby it feeeeeeeel sssssssssoooooooooooo goooooooooooooooood
good luck on the trip thought she was comming in by bus? change of plans????
Momma said hi and said be safe as well andlol she said to tell you please talk her into staying here with me her dad is driving me nuts! I wish he hadnt retired he is driving me nuts............lol
porblem is me and my step dad are just alike and always fighting although I must admit not as much lately, growing up is hard!!!!!!!!!!
going back to cover up it is cold here!!!!!!!!! Baby is getting a new sister, I cannot wait I will have to get mike to send me back the pics!
ttyl I love you!~
(damn did I just do a one sides telephone call?)
Hugs Love and prayers,
Pamm and Da Gurlz
give my nephew a hug!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Pamm)))
Okay, here's the other side of the conversation Cathy's prison is more than 2 hours away, so she IS coming by bus. Just got a phone call, sounds like someone from the prison, saying she will be in Atlanta by 12:30 pm. I am going to get a couple hours of sleep, then get busy....pay off old power bill, call apt. complex, pay car insurance, find all the letters Cathy's husband has sent to me to give to her....I'd rather just stay in bed all day!
Off to sleep...tell you mom "hi" for me and give my nieces big hugs for me.
Luv ya!
Amy
Okay, here's the other side of the conversation
Cathy's prison is more than 2 hours away, so she IS coming by bus. Just got a phone call, sounds like someone from the prison, saying she will be in Atlanta by 12:30 pm. I am going to get a couple hours of sleep, then get busy....pay off old power bill, call apt. complex, pay car insurance, find all the letters Cathy's husband has sent to me to give to her....I'd rather just stay in bed all day!Off to sleep...tell you mom "hi" for me and give my nieces big hugs for me.
Luv ya!
Amy
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