gypsytears

Get your ass to that meeting then .

WLDKATZ

it isnt until 7 ugh...........

WLDKATZ

I dont know why today is just driving me nuts, maybe because for a change I have money in my pocket and the bills are paid......well sort of, havent gotten groceries............but the need is so damn huge......it is like I can FEEL IT and I sit here and shake so damn afraid of this need it is like I know I dont want to use
but then........there shouldnt be a but yet there is.....
I DONT WANT TO FEEL RIGHT NOW and it hurts

Dee74

there's a big cost attached to that 'not feeling' Katz - you know that - and everything will still be there when you straighten up anyway.

It's BS reasoning.

remember why you quit - deny those lies you're telling yourself

D

gypsytears

It's going to hurt the same, maybe more, if you use Pamm. You know that. It'll still be there. Do yourself a favor and do something else. Don't think about trying to numb. Just be. And breathe deeply.

WLDKATZ

I KNOW there are other people out there in this world who have it so much worse off than I have EVER had it but right now I feel that poor me so strongly like I dont deserve this AT ALL.........I think it who did I EVER harm or hurt what WRONG did I put out in the world that could cause these bad things to keep happening over and over again....am I just to be used as an example for the rest of this F**KED UP EXSISTANCE?

WLDKATZ

and Dee that was an ironic laugh like what else can go wrong......I know how FST felt the other night it was like WTF even when I want to use SOMETHING is stopping me

gypsytears

It is what it is hun. You can't go on thinking like this. That's why it's good to get your ass to that meeting... get out of your own head and pity for a bit.

Right ?

WLDKATZ

yeah sis! you know I am not like this it is kick it in the ass for me....the drs actually laughed when I told em what was up I begged them for the last two weeks even momma and godfather have been begging them to put me back on my meds it is almost like lets see if she really knows what her cycle is!

gypsytears

Pamm. I have to run out but when I get back I hope to see that you have gone to or are back from a meeting and feeling better.

I will be available for ass kicking in a bit .

WLDKATZ

Thanks sis be safe it is nasty out!

gypsytears

Just checking on you .

I hope you made it to the meeting or at least have your Godfather keeping you company.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Pam,

It seems to me that HP IS looking out for you. When YOUR DEALER comes over to take care of you instead of selling you drugs..God IS protecting you.

I hope that you went to that meeting girl. PRAY PRAY PRAY.

WLDKATZ

did and been setting here trying to figure out why..........there was more drama with the members actually chairing the meeting than there was meeting the coffee was good got to spend some time with godfather jiggling everywhere ( mind you the agoraphobia or what ever it is came to the meeting with me so shaking sweating and trembling like I had been off of **** for about 3 mins!) not one!!! not one person came up to me, even after interaction's with me......

Guys SR IS my meetings and my friends for recovery.....that may sound sad but enough is enough I dont need pushed away from ppl and that is the way it is for right now....

My one friend is trying to find someone who takes my meds......I am willing to do anything to stop this roller coster I am on....today is day 260! not day 6 for me, I remember it all, I remember every part of my withdraws, I remember it all why am I trying to sabotages myself toady!

Dee74

I can't speak for AA/NA...never been...but doesn't sound like any meeting I've ever heard of...they're usually all over the newcomer Pamm...weird, hey ?

D

WLDKATZ

I think it was just me and my "vibes" I was sending out

WLDKATZ

ok is this fu!!ed up logic or what, I thought if I did the coke ( Before when I used I did things I normally wouldn't do) then maybe I could get myself out of the house get back into work and the swing of things again, then it was ok what if I spiraled out of control again......I could handle it I mean it was like I was trying to talk myself into and out of it at the same times

I dont know I do know that H should be here soon.......

scaredykat

OK Pamm you have me really worried about you. I haven't been on the forum all day then I see this. Whatever you do Don't use, drink, whatever you did.

I know what your talking about with people not talking to you at meetings. It's happened to me and i almost left because of it. We actually have some jerks at my local meetings. But I've learned to ignore them and remember the people in the rooms that are supporting me. Sometimes, at least around here at my meetings you have to talk to them first I noticed. Also going everyday helps a lot. It helps them to get to know you. That's what I done. Even just talking about the weather or whatever to break the ice. I've done that too. Now I have a nice start on a support group and its getting bigger everyday.

I hope things get better for you soon. Your a real nice caring person and you have your dogs that need you too. They don't want you to use.

I'm here if you need to talk.

Barb

WLDKATZ

Thanks Barb and NO I HAVE NOT USED ANYTHING!!!!!! 2 minutes and I will have day 260 safly pack to bed and going to sigh a sigh of relief and pray for sleep to come tonite quickly and soundly....I have a friend comming over soon and he always makes me reevaluate my standing in life.....If I was but the marrying type....lol ( ok it WAS a weak attempt at laughter though!) I am holding tight and doing a lot of praying and talking........god father has been a God Send again and who would of ever said my drug dealers?

WTF????? I am still stumped though and come to find out F is going to take me to his Noon meeting tomarrow with him he was like your gonna **** when you see everybody there........still scratching head about that one not sure if it is a good idea or not.....

Dee74

well you know how flawed that coke logic is Pamm...you must have also seen that addiction from the other end of it to quit as you did ?

I use SR and it seems it's enough for me...so far at least.
But you're really making it on good luck alone recently Pamm, and now you're listening to, and acting on, silly addictive rationalisations.

You need more than this site IMO....go tomorrow. Put out good vibes.

D