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Day 231 and I want to use now more than ever! Ok so today this weekend I had a trigger it was a red flag that was waving like a red cape in frount of a pis*ed off Bull( herm yes I am a taurus)....... I started to feel and try dealing with that emotional bullshi! that I try so desperately hard to not talk about and even forget......I am hurting, physically emotionally everything and that new show Brothers and sisters was my button yesterday........that is me I so want to take that vic.... the methadone anything.......still I wont take anything stronger than excedrins......well this weekend the emotional pain started manafesting itself physically the muscle spasms make me scream sometimes, so glad my home is out in the middle of no where where I cant be heard!!!! Out of NO WHERE my x calls....the one who got me into coke, omg I felt the high I felt the burn of it down my throat I FELT That blow high I get every time I am with him because it makes our sex life unbelieveable, even though I know I cant have sex for a few more weeks ( OK a FEW more years in my head) I wanted that high I didnt want to feel......He has shown up at my h ouse 3 times since yesterday...first two times baby and I went for runs, then today he caught me at home, I knew it was him, I heard him this man has keys to my house but he knows I put a security system on it too and I would have him arrested, today he left me a message on the phone he has 2 eight balls of soft and is ready to party......I was on the phone with my godfather ok so I have issues with this man I almost married him, I thank the good lord every day I didnt..........so my god father starts yelling at me"OMFG youre afraid of him Pamm call the police right now please he is terrizing you and you deserve so much better please: just begging me to do something that I KNEW I wanted I could taste it I was whispering like I owed him money( Instead of the other way around) I wanted what he had so badly I just froze, I didnt move I hated that baby was barking her fool head off what is worse I hated what it did to me.......I am not as strong as I believed I was especially with R he was my world at one time and all of it is wrapped up in my self image and my drug addictions and I so dont want that any more!!!!!! But I dont know how much longer I can say no...............I want to use so damn bad and I am having a hard time remember ing why I shouldnt............. you guys are it for me, my only hope and I havent been spilling like I should but as of today right now this minute I HAVE NOT USED, I dont want to I dont want to start feeling all of these feelings with my son and burry them in drugs like I did Brents Death.........God I just dont want to deal with no more pain it hurts too deep!!!!!! I love you guys!!!!!!!!! http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t...emyfriends.gif Hugs and Prayers, Pamm |
((((katz))))) I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I know there is nothing I can do to change it for you. I also know that using will not improve your situation but it sounds like you know that too. I am proud of you for not giving it, that took strength and courage. You are stronger than you realize. I believe that you work a 12 step program but I could be wrong. If you do remember that your true strength comes from your HP. I am so glad that you posted today with your heart. Sometimes that is the best thing we can do for ourselves. Take care and if there is anything you can think of that I can help you with pm me and let me know. Take care. |
Thanks sis I felt that hug long distance! |
Hi Pam, I am glad that you are starting to deal with the pain that you are feeling. I used to stuff everything down too and hope it would vanish, but of course that doesn't happen. If you ex has keys, even if you have a security system, change the locks. Change your phone number so he can't reach you. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. |
Hi Pam, I have been where you are when it comes to wanting to use. My experience is that IT DOES PASS. Just hang on and don't pick up no matter what. Hang in there sweetie and keep talking about it. |
A person changes a lot in 231 days if they're doing it right, Katz. I am a day or so off 300 days - I was offered stuff on the weekend - not only did I say no, but the idea of doing that to myself now seems so ludicrous, you know ? Remember what you're doing this for...and pick up the phone - talk to someone in AA or NA - get someone to come out even... And yeah - change the locks, ring the police. D |
Thank you all, yeah we got the locks changed tonight, decided enough is enough, he came back 3 more times tonight and finally after a friend of mine came over I felt strong enough to open the door ( 6'7" always looks better when your 5'10" and he's only 6'4" but he likes intemidating plus I needed him to truely understand it is over could of been a dirty meeting but it wasn't) told him we were done and I wanted my keys back he looked up and seen J and he handed them right over and his parting shot which once would of filled me with fear when I was with JR only made me look at him with more pity in my eyes than ever, he said we would never be done I would always come back to him and I pray to God he is wrong..... Dee, you made metioning about taking steps and how we deal with things you know the changes, and they were so small I didnt even realize them until this weekend, it seems funny that now my life is abou triggers and it is about boundries and red flags......before even though I knew what the were I didn't KNOW what they are and were in my life, Godfather tonight hit it on the head, how can an intelligent woman keep sabotging herself repeatedly with men and herself???? maybe he is right maybe I am selling myself short because I am afraid to suceed.........interesting out look onn it though!!!! Thank you all for your words just really messed up right now and trying to sort things out, at least this time it isnt God's or my faults......I have accepted it enough to know that it is for a reason but it isnt up to me to know why right at this moment, maybe one day my HP will reveiel to me why I have had this happen repeatedly......maybe one day I will be strong enough to honestly deal with the truth! As for the drugs yeah I am missing it with a passion I talked with my Godfather for an hour and 45 minutes tonight and at one point we had to quit talking because my belly was burning from the coke in it............I could feel the burn even though I had used nothing!!!!! By the grace of My HP I am getting ready to go to bed clean tonite........... Handing down day 232!!!! Hugs and prayers, Pamm Baby Girl Spitfire |
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As for the drugs yeah I am missing it with a passion Obviously a lot of stuff has happened to you recently that's thrown you off kilter, but you need to refocus on the notion that craving oblivion and running away through using are both no longer an option. There's nothing to miss, Katz - it's all empty BS.... D |
Hi Pamm, Dee is right..you are going through a pretty horrible thing and need some face to face support.. Big hugs Karen |
Hang in there Pamm, please!!! :( |
Wow. That's a really heavy situation, wildkatz - I know you've been here for a while, so you know already that you have a huge amount of support here. I think it's amazing that you said no to your ex and to the drugs, and I want to congratulate you for that. I honestly don't know how many of us would be able to do the same thing, but you did. You are awesome. I think you're an inspiration, and I hope that you continue to seek support to get through this time and the times ahead, and continue to sort out the personal issues that are connected to your recovery. All the best, ndz |
Pam, I am sending love and strength your way...You will be in my prayers... Life continues to put obstacles in our way, so that we can gain strength, and wisdom. You are a power of example... Thinking of you Pam...:ghug3 |
(((Lil Sis))) Sorry I'm late on this...slept all day yesterday and worked last night. The fact that you are here, talking about it, and you told me the same on the phone, shows me that even though the thought of using is there, the wanting-to-stay-clean thought is stronger. You have been through so much, lately, I'm not surprised that "using thoughts" are coming up. But remember, you are so much better and stronger than that. I totally understand about sabotaging ourselves, too.....have done it most of my life because, for some reason, I am more comfortable with chaos, even though I wasn't raised that way. I've been struggling with being comfortable without chaos, but I keep working at it and I'm getting better......just ride along with me and we'll both figure it out. You know I love ya dearly, and am sending huge hugs and prayers to you. If you're anything like me (and I'm pretty darn sure you are), when I relapsed I absolutely hated myself. You don't need to do anything to make you hate yourself....do what you need to to make you LOVE yourself, because you deserve it! Hugs and prayers! Amy |
Pamm... sorry you're having to go through this stuff now. Good advice I can't really improve on. Locks changed is a good thing. Call the police next time he shows up to let him know you're seriously through with him. He sounds like he needs a strong reminder not to bother you. What Dee said and others about some face to face support... get yer ass to some sort of meeting. I don't know about the steps and all that but being with other people would probably be a really good thing. Expand your circle of physical support hun. Are there women's groups for you to join? I'm glad you have your step father coming around to help you at times like these. You will have to rely on you though when that next time comes... and you have to be strong enough to say no. I understand you're not feeling all that strong right now but you are. You really are! :hug: |
Pam, I hope you're feeling better this morning. Please know I'm thinking of you. |
Pamm - we are all here supporting you The best thing about this, IMHO, is that you are spilling it out. That in itself can give you the strength to get through it. Sounds like your ex is an abuser in more ways than one. He's trying to exert power and control over you, and he knows your weakness. But you can beat him and temptation. We are all a community here and I am sending you all the spiritual strength I can. And please please get as much face to face support as possible. It takes a village to raise a child; well, it also takes a village to stop an addiction. Peace, Jana :Meditate: |
Thank you all this has touched me so deeply and I agree with you all it is time to open upmy circle but I cannot do that until I am back on my meds I dont need a mood swing at the wrong time.........I finally told P about the baby he laughed and hung up the phone after saying thank god your safe..................soooooooooooooooo confused right now.............going back to bed woke up screaming because I woke up covered in coke again, the dreams are killing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs and Prayers, Pamm Baby Girl Spitfire |
Sending you hugs and prayers across the miles, Pamm. Stay safe. Don't use. |
(((((Pamm))))) I don't know your backstory, but it sounds pretty rough. Hang in there, sweetie. You'll be in my thoughts today. |
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