Day 231 and I want to use now more than ever!
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I just got off the phone with momma, I guess she too is worried now, and maybe I should just give up and yes he has been calling all night long, to him I am his wife, no we have never even spent the night together like all night but his son calls me momma the whole thing and if it wasnt for the long hours he works and drugs we would of been married back at a time when drugs just didnt play into the picture and as I just told my momma, thank god I didn't, I am setting here flipping threw my wedding album that I had started and thank GOD I didn't now he is doing nothing but getting me scared and that does nothing but pis*me the hel! off!!!!!!!!
I havent had much sleep and I have enough other things going on that I just cannot even handle him and his bs.......today my battle cry is the same that it has remained threw it all NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm
Baby Girl
Spitfire
I havent had much sleep and I have enough other things going on that I just cannot even handle him and his bs.......today my battle cry is the same that it has remained threw it all NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm
Baby Girl
Spitfire
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
(((Lil Sis)))
Sorry I'm late on this...slept all day yesterday and worked last night.
The fact that you are here, talking about it, and you told me the same on the phone, shows me that even though the thought of using is there, the wanting-to-stay-clean thought is stronger.
You have been through so much, lately, I'm not surprised that "using thoughts" are coming up. But remember, you are so much better and stronger than that. I totally understand about sabotaging ourselves, too.....have done it most of my life because, for some reason, I am more comfortable with chaos, even though I wasn't raised that way. I've been struggling with being comfortable without chaos, but I keep working at it and I'm getting better......just ride along with me and we'll both figure it out.
You know I love ya dearly, and am sending huge hugs and prayers to you. If you're anything like me (and I'm pretty darn sure you are), when I relapsed I absolutely hated myself. You don't need to do anything to make you hate yourself....do what you need to to make you LOVE yourself, because you deserve it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry I'm late on this...slept all day yesterday and worked last night.
The fact that you are here, talking about it, and you told me the same on the phone, shows me that even though the thought of using is there, the wanting-to-stay-clean thought is stronger.
You have been through so much, lately, I'm not surprised that "using thoughts" are coming up. But remember, you are so much better and stronger than that. I totally understand about sabotaging ourselves, too.....have done it most of my life because, for some reason, I am more comfortable with chaos, even though I wasn't raised that way. I've been struggling with being comfortable without chaos, but I keep working at it and I'm getting better......just ride along with me and we'll both figure it out.
You know I love ya dearly, and am sending huge hugs and prayers to you. If you're anything like me (and I'm pretty darn sure you are), when I relapsed I absolutely hated myself. You don't need to do anything to make you hate yourself....do what you need to to make you LOVE yourself, because you deserve it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Pammmi I just saw this and I'm so sorry that you are going through this. There is a lot of great advice above-hold on to that and to your 232 days! Make it 233, 234 ...We love you and your doing great sweets!
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I wouldn't wait til you're back on your meds Katz - you need the support now. This is serious stuff.
And I agree with Nan - the phone calls alone are grounds enough for harrassment charges
D
And I agree with Nan - the phone calls alone are grounds enough for harrassment charges
D
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all will be well, he isnt stalking could of b ut he loves his job too much, he is a city employee and he KNOWS what I could do to him, he doesnt want to lose his son and he knows I would get coustdy of him in a heart beat so he wont mess with me too bad thank god I havent heard from him since yesterday!
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I saw my shrink today, he is stuck on a nother part of my recovery program that has him a lot more scared than me and the drugs ( that isnt serious enough and I have a flaming hot trigger that has to be put down or I am a goner). I have started some really bad ummmmmm **** I dont even know what to call it I am making dangerous decisionss and I am letting my mental health control me and I am not keeping a tight grip on reality from the sounds of things.......WTF?
who am I? I ask myself that thousands of times and never the same method of answer and most are totally incoheant to my mind like someone put 6 puzzles into a huge garbage bag and then exspected me to put it together in an hour!!!! IT CAN NOT BE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am schedualed for a medical review ie a med change and it is next week........should be interesting
oh well just for today I am doing well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs and prayers,
Pamm
Baby Girl
Spitfire
who am I? I ask myself that thousands of times and never the same method of answer and most are totally incoheant to my mind like someone put 6 puzzles into a huge garbage bag and then exspected me to put it together in an hour!!!! IT CAN NOT BE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am schedualed for a medical review ie a med change and it is next week........should be interesting
oh well just for today I am doing well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs and prayers,
Pamm
Baby Girl
Spitfire
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sorry you can't get help til next week....just stay low and out of trouble best you can I guess...
not sure I agree with your shrink, if I'm reading you right - mental health is important but so's recovery and keeping clean...as I'm sure you know, it's not an either or thing...lots of folks here deal with both, and pretty successfully too
D
not sure I agree with your shrink, if I'm reading you right - mental health is important but so's recovery and keeping clean...as I'm sure you know, it's not an either or thing...lots of folks here deal with both, and pretty successfully too
D
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I haven't kept up with all the dramas of your life posted here-but your recent post is very scattered.On the one hand you're saying you're ok-but all the previous stuff (that I've tried to catch up on)says you're not, and that concerns me.
You sound very disassociated. I'm sorry you're in such an obviously difficult space-but please-get some help beyond here.I'm no expert-and heck-I've only just ventured back here-but you really sound like you need something in your actual life there to help you.I hope you find it.You're not alone.
Jules.
You sound very disassociated. I'm sorry you're in such an obviously difficult space-but please-get some help beyond here.I'm no expert-and heck-I've only just ventured back here-but you really sound like you need something in your actual life there to help you.I hope you find it.You're not alone.
Jules.
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you just nailed it on the head Jules and it is so VERY nice to have you back with us!
Brief run down momma has had 3 heart attacks pace maker came out all sorts of drama here with the house put on bed rest eventually lost job and finally school then they even took me out of the masters program I now and dealing with mom and dads house burning down I lost the baby I have lost my health almost totally now they are trying to treat me for agoraphobia?( no it isnt about spiders eaither but I think I spelled it wrong)....yes I am now considered TOTALLY self anailated, I cannot go outside I pass out point blank, tried the yoga thig didnt work passed out during it trying to breathe because of the strangers around me....they tried introducing me to another shrink while mine was out on medical I had a panic attack and have been in my house ever since they take me out to the hospital and that is it.....and then I have to be damn near dead......So I have totally ***$ED my life up and can only blame me and it just pis#es me off to no end, so thanks sis welcome back and sorry I vented.......think I need too been up all night with a phone in my hand my parents house caught on fire last night, momma isnt leaving the house because dad isnt( he built it with his own two hands starting when he was 14) and thay are both sick and I cant get to them or help them and I feel so damn helpless...............so tired of it all!
I cant even sign off like I normally do today I am just me
Dee I am trying I sware I am
Brief run down momma has had 3 heart attacks pace maker came out all sorts of drama here with the house put on bed rest eventually lost job and finally school then they even took me out of the masters program I now and dealing with mom and dads house burning down I lost the baby I have lost my health almost totally now they are trying to treat me for agoraphobia?( no it isnt about spiders eaither but I think I spelled it wrong)....yes I am now considered TOTALLY self anailated, I cannot go outside I pass out point blank, tried the yoga thig didnt work passed out during it trying to breathe because of the strangers around me....they tried introducing me to another shrink while mine was out on medical I had a panic attack and have been in my house ever since they take me out to the hospital and that is it.....and then I have to be damn near dead......So I have totally ***$ED my life up and can only blame me and it just pis#es me off to no end, so thanks sis welcome back and sorry I vented.......think I need too been up all night with a phone in my hand my parents house caught on fire last night, momma isnt leaving the house because dad isnt( he built it with his own two hands starting when he was 14) and thay are both sick and I cant get to them or help them and I feel so damn helpless...............so tired of it all!
I cant even sign off like I normally do today I am just me
Dee I am trying I sware I am
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sorry to hear all that Katz...looking at that in one post it's almost too much to believe for one person, isn't it ?
I hope you get the help you need next week and, not being funny, but home is probably the safest place to be recovery wise, health wise and storm wise, hey? (hope they fix the roof LOL)
D
I hope you get the help you need next week and, not being funny, but home is probably the safest place to be recovery wise, health wise and storm wise, hey? (hope they fix the roof LOL)
D
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yeah me too, actually the roof outlook isnt so bad.....momma just got off the phone with me she has snow in her kitchen but she wants to stay, I wish to God I had that womans back bone!!!!!!!!!!!! every little set back feel like it is another hurtle.....I thought after highschool I was done running track!
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it's epiphany time
OK, it's epiphany time:
A time come in your life when you finally get it.... when in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out .... ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying and struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back the tears and through a mantle of wet eyelashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening. You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms with the fact that there is no such thing as the "right" person around the corner and that in the real world there aren`t always fairytale endings(or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are.... and that`s OK! They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
And you learn that the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self approval. You must stop moaning and blaming other people for the things that they do to you or don`t do.And you learn that there is only one thing that you can count on and that is the unexpected.
You learn that people don`t always say what they mean or mean what they say and not everyone will always be there for you and that it` not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is the result of all the messages and opinions ingrained into your psyche.
And you begin to sift through all the garbage you`ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh. What you should wear, where to shop and what to drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what to expect or a marriage.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different opinions. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard doctrines and values you`ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that in truly giving that you receive. And there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principals such as honesty and integrity are outdated ideals of a bygone era, but they are the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don`t know everything, it`s not your job to save the world. You distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs are burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and family love, how to love, how much to love, how much to give in love, when to stop loving and giving and when to walk away.You learn not to project your needs or feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful or intelligent.
You learn to look at relationships for what they really are, not as what you want them to be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn that you don`t have the right to demand love, (love is a gift not an obligation) on your terms just to make you happy.And you learn that alone doesn`t mean lonely.
You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a perfect size and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing how to stack up. You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it`s your right to want things and ask for the things that you want and sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,kindness,sensitivity, and respect and you won`t settle for anything less.And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you ,to glorify you with this touch, and in the process you internalize the meaning of self respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time out to rest. And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels your soul.So take more time out to laugh and play.
You learn that for the most part in your life, you get what you believe you deserve....and much of that life truly is a self fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working towards making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.You also learn that no one can do it alone and that it`s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn that the only thing to truly fear is the great robber of all time....FEAR itself! You learn that to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn that to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn`t always fair, you don`t always get what you think you deserve and sometimes bad things happen. And you learn to deal with evil in it`s most primate form ....the ego.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You will learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges INSTEAD OF WALLS. You learn to be thankful and to take the comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted. Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and to make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never to settle.
OK, it's epiphany time:
A time come in your life when you finally get it.... when in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out .... ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying and struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back the tears and through a mantle of wet eyelashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening. You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms with the fact that there is no such thing as the "right" person around the corner and that in the real world there aren`t always fairytale endings(or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are.... and that`s OK! They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
And you learn that the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self approval. You must stop moaning and blaming other people for the things that they do to you or don`t do.And you learn that there is only one thing that you can count on and that is the unexpected.
You learn that people don`t always say what they mean or mean what they say and not everyone will always be there for you and that it` not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is the result of all the messages and opinions ingrained into your psyche.
And you begin to sift through all the garbage you`ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh. What you should wear, where to shop and what to drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what to expect or a marriage.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different opinions. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard doctrines and values you`ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that in truly giving that you receive. And there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principals such as honesty and integrity are outdated ideals of a bygone era, but they are the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don`t know everything, it`s not your job to save the world. You distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs are burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and family love, how to love, how much to love, how much to give in love, when to stop loving and giving and when to walk away.You learn not to project your needs or feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful or intelligent.
You learn to look at relationships for what they really are, not as what you want them to be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn that you don`t have the right to demand love, (love is a gift not an obligation) on your terms just to make you happy.And you learn that alone doesn`t mean lonely.
You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a perfect size and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing how to stack up. You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it`s your right to want things and ask for the things that you want and sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,kindness,sensitivity, and respect and you won`t settle for anything less.And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you ,to glorify you with this touch, and in the process you internalize the meaning of self respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time out to rest. And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels your soul.So take more time out to laugh and play.
You learn that for the most part in your life, you get what you believe you deserve....and much of that life truly is a self fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working towards making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.You also learn that no one can do it alone and that it`s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn that the only thing to truly fear is the great robber of all time....FEAR itself! You learn that to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn that to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn`t always fair, you don`t always get what you think you deserve and sometimes bad things happen. And you learn to deal with evil in it`s most primate form ....the ego.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You will learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges INSTEAD OF WALLS. You learn to be thankful and to take the comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted. Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and to make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never to settle.
Last edited by WLDKATZ; 02-01-2008 at 01:13 PM. Reason: cuse the person at this end of a keyboard still dont know how to spell woth sheetz!
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I am so not giveing up..........that is not a part of my life, I know I was put here for a reason as I have said before I dont know who or why I am here but my HP will let me figure it out on my own!
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm
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ok so when you invite a guy over for dinner is that suppose to lead into sex?????? It lead him out the door...........UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
PLEASE CONVERSATION FIRST MEN!!!!!!!!!
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm
PLEASE CONVERSATION FIRST MEN!!!!!!!!!
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm
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Location: Michigan -- Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Posts: 325
Pamm.... Sending Huggggs and Love your way. You are an amazing person... Hold on, it will get better. This I believe, and I've read enough of your posts to know you believe it too. We have too.
Please keep dialing and posting and talking...
Love and Hugggs
~C
Please keep dialing and posting and talking...
Love and Hugggs
~C
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Originally Posted by theonlyway
Pamm.... Sending Huggggs and Love your way. You are an amazing person... Hold on, it will get better. This I believe, and I've read enough of your posts to know you believe it too. We have too.
Please keep dialing and posting and talking...
Love and Hugggs
~C
Please keep dialing and posting and talking...
Love and Hugggs
~C
C~
Thank you so much neighbor!!!! I am trying and by the grace of my HP I am hanging in there
Hugs and prayers,
Pamm
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