All in all, Rome wasn't built in a day, eh? kk1k5x accountability thread Pt 2
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Good, I agree!I mean, sure, there's a tiny bit of alcohol in a lot of things, but they don't come packaged as our drug of choice. An orange won't likely make me relapse like a romantic green bottle with a hops-y smell and taste.
Sometimes I even have trouble with certain breads, that yeast smell gets my attention.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Now, that you've mentioned it - I started thinking. We really like our grilling and bbq products where I live, and there's loads of products to choose from when spring and summer roll around. Different meats, quantities and marinades. While I don't cook them on any open-flame grill, I like those readily available marinated pork chops sometimes. But I always avoid ones where the marinade is something like "red wine" or "cherry and rum" etc. Yes, it's only trace amounts and 40 minutes in a high heat oven will make even those evaporate, but still I choose something else (this applies even when, say, the red wine marinade version is on sale). I do that on principle, not technicalities.
Which brings me to tonight. I am watching the Detox to Rehab videos again, and I started reflecting. There were two main aspects at play tonight. One was the fact that I experienced the "overwhelming postivie emotion + not drinking" aspect very early in sobriety, when my sister had her kid almost a year ago. But after that, there really were no events which supercharged my emotions to the point that I found it difficult to handle - there were ups, there were downs, but there just wasn't anything massively overwhelming. Plus, most of it had to do with my own (growing) abilities as well. I.e. it was mostly about putting myself to the test and overcoming something that seemed difficult for me personally, rather than external influences.
The point? While I had that overwhelmed experience with positives, I had not had it with negatives. That occurred this past weekend, and holy hell was it sustained... What I learned from it was that I can handle it, but I'm exhausted and drained afterwards. It takes a lot to keep this ship of mine right - asking for guidance instead of snapping at people off the cuff (or, in other words, falling back on what the old me would have done - probably also because of booze or its aftermath).
In sobriety, I've preferred the "keep the peace" approach instead of seeking out conflict. I've effectively avoided having my emotions spiked - that's why I do work on time and try to avoid deadline rushes etc. To keep the peace. Well, I wasn't able to keep the peace this weekend and it cost me tonight's experience.
Furthermore, the reason why tonight's experience was even possible, is because there are certain psychological areas of my addiction that have not been eradicated. One specific, and recurring, instance is that "sunset and lakes and peace and [beer?]". I've had great experiences completely sober - Italy comes to mind, specifically. But this thought wasn't fully eradicated, because I had left it open to these 0,0000 beers. My mind still thought that there's something special about non-alcoholic beer and those sunset situations VS those sunset situations and sparkling water, for example. That was a loophole. And that's now bolted shut.
In a way, I guess I'm glad it was this non-alcoholic beer that made me fully realise the above, but I'm not going back to "that source" for further reflections. Those have to come from some other source.
Thanks, Bim, for being you and saying it like it is. I'm very grateful for this
Which brings me to tonight. I am watching the Detox to Rehab videos again, and I started reflecting. There were two main aspects at play tonight. One was the fact that I experienced the "overwhelming postivie emotion + not drinking" aspect very early in sobriety, when my sister had her kid almost a year ago. But after that, there really were no events which supercharged my emotions to the point that I found it difficult to handle - there were ups, there were downs, but there just wasn't anything massively overwhelming. Plus, most of it had to do with my own (growing) abilities as well. I.e. it was mostly about putting myself to the test and overcoming something that seemed difficult for me personally, rather than external influences.
The point? While I had that overwhelmed experience with positives, I had not had it with negatives. That occurred this past weekend, and holy hell was it sustained... What I learned from it was that I can handle it, but I'm exhausted and drained afterwards. It takes a lot to keep this ship of mine right - asking for guidance instead of snapping at people off the cuff (or, in other words, falling back on what the old me would have done - probably also because of booze or its aftermath).
In sobriety, I've preferred the "keep the peace" approach instead of seeking out conflict. I've effectively avoided having my emotions spiked - that's why I do work on time and try to avoid deadline rushes etc. To keep the peace. Well, I wasn't able to keep the peace this weekend and it cost me tonight's experience.
Furthermore, the reason why tonight's experience was even possible, is because there are certain psychological areas of my addiction that have not been eradicated. One specific, and recurring, instance is that "sunset and lakes and peace and [beer?]". I've had great experiences completely sober - Italy comes to mind, specifically. But this thought wasn't fully eradicated, because I had left it open to these 0,0000 beers. My mind still thought that there's something special about non-alcoholic beer and those sunset situations VS those sunset situations and sparkling water, for example. That was a loophole. And that's now bolted shut.
In a way, I guess I'm glad it was this non-alcoholic beer that made me fully realise the above, but I'm not going back to "that source" for further reflections. Those have to come from some other source.
Thanks, Bim, for being you and saying it like it is. I'm very grateful for this
Both sound difficult!!Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
I also like the new multi-part adjective "sun-set-enhancing", which I didn't use. Apparently my brain thinks there are certain things or phenomena that can be sun-set-enhancing.
Bolting shut a loophole. There's one for my "phrases to use in my manuscript titles". Hah!
Good night everyone
Bolting shut a loophole. There's one for my "phrases to use in my manuscript titles". Hah!
Good night everyone
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,210
I agree with bim and others here. N/A beers bring you back into some sort of drinking mindset which is to be avoided, probably even more than something like a slice of Tiramisu cake which has small amounts of alcohol in it.
Well done on completing the manuscript.
Well done on completing the manuscript.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
No argument there, Sao. This chatter in my head started after my trip to the lake, actually. To an extent, it was almost like this bottle chatter framed that half-hour of total quiet. I can report from today that while there's one of those zero-zeros in the fridge (mother is going to some garden get-together and is taking the thing with her - otherwise I would have simply poured it down the drain). That's just done now. It only entered my mind to the extent that I reflected on it here yesterday. Went about my business as usual.
Dee - right once more. It's also curious to me ... well, perhaps not curious, but it's very descriptive of addiction, how that "maniac organizer" thing starts up almost immediately. E.g. "when are NA beers allowed; should there be a specific time between them" etc, usual addict fare in that sense. With sparkling water and lemon it's easy - just have them when you're thirsty.
Not much else to report from today, aside from the fact that the work guy told me work is coming in on Monday. That's brilliant, I need to earn some money. I only had that 1.5 pages this week, so...
There have been multiple thunderstorms lately, so I'm wondering if the water is getting swim-ready. I'd kinda like to go swimming.
Tomorrow, sometime in the morning, I'm going to my grandma's. Haven't seen her in a long time now, so it should be great.
End of Day 396. I did not drink today.
Dee - right once more. It's also curious to me ... well, perhaps not curious, but it's very descriptive of addiction, how that "maniac organizer" thing starts up almost immediately. E.g. "when are NA beers allowed; should there be a specific time between them" etc, usual addict fare in that sense. With sparkling water and lemon it's easy - just have them when you're thirsty.
Not much else to report from today, aside from the fact that the work guy told me work is coming in on Monday. That's brilliant, I need to earn some money. I only had that 1.5 pages this week, so...
There have been multiple thunderstorms lately, so I'm wondering if the water is getting swim-ready. I'd kinda like to go swimming.
Tomorrow, sometime in the morning, I'm going to my grandma's. Haven't seen her in a long time now, so it should be great.
End of Day 396. I did not drink today.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Slept for a bit longer this morning compared to usual. Then had my coffee and took the bus to grandma's place. We just talked, cooked and later on both her and grandpa got should and head rubs. I have served my purpose on this day.
It's been really hot here today, the sun has been blazing all day. And I hadn't been to the city in more than 3 months now - new constructions on the road there etc. Of course, there jus HAD to be a hungover/drunk person on the morning bus (it's almost as if public transport isn't public transport without boozies in various preparatory or after-the-fact stages of inebriation).
Later on I made a big batch of spring rolls, yet only had a few. The break between meals this morning (from last night) ended up being a bit more than 12 hours, so I will use this random opportunity to actually try and stay on an intermittent fasting schedule. It helps that there are no pressing writing matters currently ongoing, so I can "suffer" the pangs of hunger (should these occur) in relative peace.
Not much else to report. Think I'll get to the translation tomorrow.
End of Day 397. I did not drink today.
It's been really hot here today, the sun has been blazing all day. And I hadn't been to the city in more than 3 months now - new constructions on the road there etc. Of course, there jus HAD to be a hungover/drunk person on the morning bus (it's almost as if public transport isn't public transport without boozies in various preparatory or after-the-fact stages of inebriation).
Later on I made a big batch of spring rolls, yet only had a few. The break between meals this morning (from last night) ended up being a bit more than 12 hours, so I will use this random opportunity to actually try and stay on an intermittent fasting schedule. It helps that there are no pressing writing matters currently ongoing, so I can "suffer" the pangs of hunger (should these occur) in relative peace.
Not much else to report. Think I'll get to the translation tomorrow.
End of Day 397. I did not drink today.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
Originally Posted by kk1k5x 
there jus HAD to be a hungover/drunk person on the morning bus (it's almost as if public transport isn't public transport without boozies in various preparatory or after-the-fact stages of inebriation).
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Also, who could forget the drunken stories of conquest? I'd like to call this activity ...bravadoratory
At times when on a bus, for the purposes of self-amusement, I do this sketch in my head where I have a sober guy tell a completely sober story in the key of bravadoratory. You can hear a lot of these stories on the buses in the original format, especially on a Saturday morning, but here's a random rendition of what it looks like as a sober story:
// So ....this other dude and I were like chilling, and having some sparkling water with fruit juice, right? Just refreshing our throats if you know what I mean.
And then, you know, we were ...discussing extremely practical and relevant topics ...when these two ladies roll up. They were like ..."Hey fellas! ...we heard you weren't yelling or being obnoxious and rude, so we wondered if we could join you?" The ladies looked beautiful, you know, and so we were like "ABSOLUTELY!"...
After that, you know, THINGS JUST TOOK OFFF!!! We went from politics to philosophy to stress at work and personal acheivement like bang-bang-bang. It was totally INSANE. Like ...arguments were absolutely flying and like ...all the premises were solid and there were no fallacies and no one was yelling over one another. I'm telling you, man, it was completely bonkers!
So we were having delicious snacks and still sipping on that sparkling water, talking talking talking, getting to know each other and forming a memorable bond with these people who were complete strangers just 2 hours ago... Right ...and like ...it was crazy.
And later, like, I really found one of the ladies interesting. I liked her big ...ideas. So I ....respectfully asked her if she would like to go on a date with me, right? And she was like "Maybe", and smiled, and gave me her phone number. CRAZY!!
The evening just went on and on and it was getting late, so we dutifully paid our bill and went home, because everyone had things to do.
And so this morning, you know ... the absolute most insane thing happened!!! I like ....woke up in my own bed, things were clean and I remembered everything //
You can do that with many other scenarios as well. Keeps the smelliness thoughts at bay sometimes.
At times when on a bus, for the purposes of self-amusement, I do this sketch in my head where I have a sober guy tell a completely sober story in the key of bravadoratory. You can hear a lot of these stories on the buses in the original format, especially on a Saturday morning, but here's a random rendition of what it looks like as a sober story:
// So ....this other dude and I were like chilling, and having some sparkling water with fruit juice, right? Just refreshing our throats if you know what I mean.
And then, you know, we were ...discussing extremely practical and relevant topics ...when these two ladies roll up. They were like ..."Hey fellas! ...we heard you weren't yelling or being obnoxious and rude, so we wondered if we could join you?" The ladies looked beautiful, you know, and so we were like "ABSOLUTELY!"...
After that, you know, THINGS JUST TOOK OFFF!!! We went from politics to philosophy to stress at work and personal acheivement like bang-bang-bang. It was totally INSANE. Like ...arguments were absolutely flying and like ...all the premises were solid and there were no fallacies and no one was yelling over one another. I'm telling you, man, it was completely bonkers!
So we were having delicious snacks and still sipping on that sparkling water, talking talking talking, getting to know each other and forming a memorable bond with these people who were complete strangers just 2 hours ago... Right ...and like ...it was crazy.
And later, like, I really found one of the ladies interesting. I liked her big ...ideas. So I ....respectfully asked her if she would like to go on a date with me, right? And she was like "Maybe", and smiled, and gave me her phone number. CRAZY!!
The evening just went on and on and it was getting late, so we dutifully paid our bill and went home, because everyone had things to do.
And so this morning, you know ... the absolute most insane thing happened!!! I like ....woke up in my own bed, things were clean and I remembered everything //
You can do that with many other scenarios as well. Keeps the smelliness thoughts at bay sometimes.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,018
Originally Posted by kk1k5x
Also, who could forget the drunken stories of conquest? I'd like to call this activity ...bravadoratory
At times when on a bus, for the purposes of self-amusement, I do this sketch in my head where I have a sober guy tell a completely sober story in the key of bravadoratory. You can hear a lot of these stories on the buses in the original format, especially on a Saturday morning, but here's a random rendition of what it looks like as a sober story:
// So ....this other dude and I were like chilling, and having some sparkling water with fruit juice, right? Just refreshing our throats if you know what I mean.
And then, you know, we were ...discussing extremely practical and relevant topics ...when these two ladies roll up. They were like ..."Hey fellas! ...we heard you weren't yelling or being obnoxious and rude, so we wondered if we could join you?" The ladies looked beautiful, you know, and so we were like "ABSOLUTELY!"...
After that, you know, THINGS JUST TOOK OFFF!!! We went from politics to philosophy to stress at work and personal acheivement like bang-bang-bang. It was totally INSANE. Like ...arguments were absolutely flying and like ...all the premises were solid and there were no fallacies and no one was yelling over one another. I'm telling you, man, it was completely bonkers!
So we were having delicious snacks and still sipping on that sparkling water, talking talking talking, getting to know each other and forming a memorable bond with these people who were complete strangers just 2 hours ago... Right ...and like ...it was crazy.
And later, like, I really found one of the ladies interesting. I liked her big ...ideas. So I ....respectfully asked her if she would like to go on a date with me, right? And she was like "Maybe", and smiled, and gave me her phone number. CRAZY!!
The evening just went on and on and it was getting late, so we dutifully paid our bill and went home, because everyone had things to do.
And so this morning, you know ... the absolute most insane thing happened!!! I like ....woke up in my own bed, things were clean and I remembered everything //
You can do that with many other scenarios as well. Keeps the smelliness thoughts at bay sometimes.
At times when on a bus, for the purposes of self-amusement, I do this sketch in my head where I have a sober guy tell a completely sober story in the key of bravadoratory. You can hear a lot of these stories on the buses in the original format, especially on a Saturday morning, but here's a random rendition of what it looks like as a sober story:
// So ....this other dude and I were like chilling, and having some sparkling water with fruit juice, right? Just refreshing our throats if you know what I mean.
And then, you know, we were ...discussing extremely practical and relevant topics ...when these two ladies roll up. They were like ..."Hey fellas! ...we heard you weren't yelling or being obnoxious and rude, so we wondered if we could join you?" The ladies looked beautiful, you know, and so we were like "ABSOLUTELY!"...
After that, you know, THINGS JUST TOOK OFFF!!! We went from politics to philosophy to stress at work and personal acheivement like bang-bang-bang. It was totally INSANE. Like ...arguments were absolutely flying and like ...all the premises were solid and there were no fallacies and no one was yelling over one another. I'm telling you, man, it was completely bonkers!
So we were having delicious snacks and still sipping on that sparkling water, talking talking talking, getting to know each other and forming a memorable bond with these people who were complete strangers just 2 hours ago... Right ...and like ...it was crazy.
And later, like, I really found one of the ladies interesting. I liked her big ...ideas. So I ....respectfully asked her if she would like to go on a date with me, right? And she was like "Maybe", and smiled, and gave me her phone number. CRAZY!!
The evening just went on and on and it was getting late, so we dutifully paid our bill and went home, because everyone had things to do.
And so this morning, you know ... the absolute most insane thing happened!!! I like ....woke up in my own bed, things were clean and I remembered everything //
You can do that with many other scenarios as well. Keeps the smelliness thoughts at bay sometimes.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,210
There is a guy who, pre lockdown, I see occasionally at my Tube (underground rail) station who takes a few sips from a quarter size vodka bottle. He is likely going through hell. I would really like to offer him some encouragement but it would probably do more harm than good.
I love your story there kk. Drama is great in books and films but most people are better of without drunken melodrama.
I love your story there kk. Drama is great in books and films but most people are better of without drunken melodrama.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Thanks Dee
Hi Bekind In a way it is funny, but on the other side of it is the fact that recreating such dialogues doesn't solely come from obsvervation skills. It's been a lived experience. However, that type of bravado thing was very brief for me. I progressed so quickly down the hole that I went from "trying alcohol and getting drunk for the first time" to "a mean drunk who is only seeking the next opportunity for a drink" within a matter of 2-3 years in high school. By age 18, and certainly 19, I was a full-blown alcoholic. My "friends", and thus my "conversation partners", were just people who were temporarily in a dark place, chose booze as their release and had enough money to also give me some of their drink. That was my stark reality. So I do poke some satire at the loudmouths, but I mostly keep in mind the short distance there is between me and them with respect to one's condition.
Sao - I'm dreading that the man on the Tube is living a nightmare. What you described in terms of offering support, I get that same instinct ...sometimes. Even with the Saturday morning cool guys on the bus. Other times there's an ego reaction of "thank the fortunes this isn't me right now".
In general, the reason this affects me or creates a response at all, is because I recognise those people - they reflect my own experiences. And I, for one, considered those experiences as bad. Basically, my drinking, including all kinds of stops and starts, was a sequence of events where I shocked myself in terms of how low I can go, only to forget it and shock myself with something new. In the dark depths of each alcoholic lie certain stories, certain "personal worsts". I think they register as "the worsts" because those are the ones that shock a person, that make you think "holy f**k, I just actually did that ...this is real now and part of my experience".
Then again, I wouldn't be who I am were it not for my alcoholism and early recovery...
Sometimes I wish I'd do these posts earlier in the day, because I have all kinds of reflections on day like today, but I'm too tired to write them out in the evenings :/ I'd call today an "on sale" day - it wasn't completely free, but it wasn't "full price" either. I did some prep work for tomorrow's translation, made some changes to a manuscript for which I received reviews some days ago, and played computer games. Earlier in the evenings I got some stomach troubles, excess gas for some reason - can't pinpoint a reason though, but it has calmed down anyways. Today's the second day of keeping to my 12-hour-window schedule. So far, so good.
Hope everyone enjoyed their Sunday. Think I'll watch some documentaries, news or those recovery stories again. For some reason, I cannot get enough of hearing people speak about "how bad it was" but also simultaneously seeing them in a shining form during their storytelling. The extent to which alcohol (or any other drug) can so visibly drain life from a human being never ceases to baffle me. Which makes seeing and hearing the stories delivered by people who are calm and composed that much more powerful.
Actually - I realised I reached 13 months sober this morning
End of Day 398. I did not drink today.
Hi Bekind
In a way it is funny, but on the other side of it is the fact that recreating such dialogues doesn't solely come from obsvervation skills. It's been a lived experience. However, that type of bravado thing was very brief for me. I progressed so quickly down the hole that I went from "trying alcohol and getting drunk for the first time" to "a mean drunk who is only seeking the next opportunity for a drink" within a matter of 2-3 years in high school. By age 18, and certainly 19, I was a full-blown alcoholic. My "friends", and thus my "conversation partners", were just people who were temporarily in a dark place, chose booze as their release and had enough money to also give me some of their drink. That was my stark reality. So I do poke some satire at the loudmouths, but I mostly keep in mind the short distance there is between me and them with respect to one's condition.Sao - I'm dreading that the man on the Tube is living a nightmare. What you described in terms of offering support, I get that same instinct ...sometimes. Even with the Saturday morning cool guys on the bus. Other times there's an ego reaction of "thank the fortunes this isn't me right now".
In general, the reason this affects me or creates a response at all, is because I recognise those people - they reflect my own experiences. And I, for one, considered those experiences as bad. Basically, my drinking, including all kinds of stops and starts, was a sequence of events where I shocked myself in terms of how low I can go, only to forget it and shock myself with something new. In the dark depths of each alcoholic lie certain stories, certain "personal worsts". I think they register as "the worsts" because those are the ones that shock a person, that make you think "holy f**k, I just actually did that ...this is real now and part of my experience".
Then again, I wouldn't be who I am were it not for my alcoholism and early recovery...
Sometimes I wish I'd do these posts earlier in the day, because I have all kinds of reflections on day like today, but I'm too tired to write them out in the evenings :/ I'd call today an "on sale" day - it wasn't completely free, but it wasn't "full price" either. I did some prep work for tomorrow's translation, made some changes to a manuscript for which I received reviews some days ago, and played computer games. Earlier in the evenings I got some stomach troubles, excess gas for some reason - can't pinpoint a reason though, but it has calmed down anyways. Today's the second day of keeping to my 12-hour-window schedule. So far, so good.
Hope everyone enjoyed their Sunday. Think I'll watch some documentaries, news or those recovery stories again. For some reason, I cannot get enough of hearing people speak about "how bad it was" but also simultaneously seeing them in a shining form during their storytelling. The extent to which alcohol (or any other drug) can so visibly drain life from a human being never ceases to baffle me. Which makes seeing and hearing the stories delivered by people who are calm and composed that much more powerful.
Actually - I realised I reached 13 months sober this morning
End of Day 398. I did not drink today.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,018
K, I thought you went to university? How did you get through school being a full blown alcoholic at 19? I know it is possible; I just want your story.
And yeah, I get that your description is, in many ways, NOT funny specially to you when you lived it. However, I did find your sober equivalent of the situation pretty dang entertaining.
Sao, there is probably really nothing you can do for the guy on the tube. He may well not want to quit. Ugh. Not fun to watch this as he probably is suffering.
My day was pretty typical . . . .maybe a bit less depression and I kept at some projects I have put off which feels good.
Tomorrow, I'm hoping to start reading a Spanish novel, compare premium bills with bank statements, work on an Elsa costume for my niece, and harangue my Dad into more exercise.
As much as I struggle with being locked down, there is a certain simplicity to life in that I don't have to make many decisions nor attend any outside events; it is enough to stay put and take care of Dad.
And yeah, I get that your description is, in many ways, NOT funny specially to you when you lived it. However, I did find your sober equivalent of the situation pretty dang entertaining.
Sao, there is probably really nothing you can do for the guy on the tube. He may well not want to quit. Ugh. Not fun to watch this as he probably is suffering.
My day was pretty typical . . . .maybe a bit less depression and I kept at some projects I have put off which feels good.
Tomorrow, I'm hoping to start reading a Spanish novel, compare premium bills with bank statements, work on an Elsa costume for my niece, and harangue my Dad into more exercise.
As much as I struggle with being locked down, there is a certain simplicity to life in that I don't have to make many decisions nor attend any outside events; it is enough to stay put and take care of Dad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Hi Bekind. My having a law degree necessitates at least some higher education, yes :P As for the story? Hmm. Most of it, and by "it" I mean somehow graduating from the various levels, was a mixture of perseverance and luck. All I really know is that the last grade in high school was a nightmare, because I either didn't go to school, went there and was "sleeping it off" in the first classes, skipped at lunch time to go drink at the park etc. I ended up as a valedictorian due to the work I'd done in previous high school grades (I remember that they switched the system somehow and made things into 'courses' for which you got grades, and I'd already gotten a solid base of A-s from grade 10 and 11). I also got a reprimand for drinking during school outings etc. I'm sure they wouldn't have let me have that valedictorian medal etc if it didn't get something for the school as well. Mostly, because I was acting like a complete idiot.
As for the university and law. Who knows, I had to re-do third year, because I decided to go for "just a drink" and was absent from a specific course one too many times. I avoided courses that ended in an oral examination because I was too afraid to speak. For at least half of the courses, I had to do written assignments to make up for the absences. At some point, I recall, I even chose to be absent (or at least I convinced myself of that) just so I could write more. It was easier for me than to take the bus whilst morbidly hungover and go to class in the city.
But things also involved "luck". For example, by getting that valedictorian recognition, I got 3 extra points for my uni entrance result. I needed a 92 for no-tuition law school and thanks to those 3 extra points, I got a 93. Also, since I had to re-do year three in law school, unbeknownst to me, there was a higher education reform in the country that required all curricula taught in our native tongue to be tuition-free. Hence, had I graduated a year earlier, I would have not continued at law school on the graduate level, because I simply had no money, no income and no one believed in me enough to scramble together the money anyways (I'm referring to family - tuition wasn't high here at all, but I/we could not have swung that regardless). But they implemented the changes and I got a spot in the master's course. That was also troublesome, but I'm guessing a bit less so than bachelor's. I still took three years to do a 2-year program (I switched specialisation somewhere in the middle). After that they had some open PhD spots and I applied. I've recorded that debacle here many times. But again, through luck, I met my current supervisor during those fairly useless and miserable law PhD years. And now I am where I am.
My alcoholism during those years was "spotty" at times, meaning I would get - and at times even stay - sober for slightly longer periods of time. Be it because I was so depressed about my drinking, things and circumstances had gotten REALLY horrible at school, or some other thing. Whenever I was drinking, I went hard ... and then scrambled during those spots of sobriety, made a bit of progress or at least caught up with things (for the most part) etc.
That's why I say I pissed away my 20s, because many people reflect on their university years as some adventure in young adulthood. For me it was a decade-long life-and-death pendulum swing between the world of the living and of a destitute and miserable drunk. By the time I was finally done, I had no friends remaining from high school except one dude I speak with infrequently. I only learned the names of probably 5-6 people during my university years (ah well ... it's a small place, so one guy who I got to know at law school and with whom I'm on good terms with was actually from my high school, so I guess that makes 2 people from high school I'm still basically able to get in touch with), and the last time I spoke with one was a year ago when that one guy from law school that I mentioned in the brackets came for a brief visit to my home town.
I guess I could, y'know, show everyone my diplomas, but to me, those are just the wrapping around a more or less empty life with no real recollections or memories worthy of note. Of course, all of those things ultimately led me to today, so in a way ...I'm now grateful that they happened. I got a new start.
PS: My day today was pretty slow, because I didn't get work until evening. But then I got three translations in a row. I finished one, will start on the second tomorrow and the third is for Thursday. Other than that it was an okay day, I did mess about with one manuscript revision for a while, but I mostly remained idle until work came in. I'm still sticking to that intermittent fasting schedule (albeit a more relaxed one in terms of hours when I don't eat, i.e. 12).
End of Day 399. I did not drink today.
As for the university and law. Who knows, I had to re-do third year, because I decided to go for "just a drink" and was absent from a specific course one too many times. I avoided courses that ended in an oral examination because I was too afraid to speak. For at least half of the courses, I had to do written assignments to make up for the absences. At some point, I recall, I even chose to be absent (or at least I convinced myself of that) just so I could write more. It was easier for me than to take the bus whilst morbidly hungover and go to class in the city.
But things also involved "luck". For example, by getting that valedictorian recognition, I got 3 extra points for my uni entrance result. I needed a 92 for no-tuition law school and thanks to those 3 extra points, I got a 93. Also, since I had to re-do year three in law school, unbeknownst to me, there was a higher education reform in the country that required all curricula taught in our native tongue to be tuition-free. Hence, had I graduated a year earlier, I would have not continued at law school on the graduate level, because I simply had no money, no income and no one believed in me enough to scramble together the money anyways (I'm referring to family - tuition wasn't high here at all, but I/we could not have swung that regardless). But they implemented the changes and I got a spot in the master's course. That was also troublesome, but I'm guessing a bit less so than bachelor's. I still took three years to do a 2-year program (I switched specialisation somewhere in the middle). After that they had some open PhD spots and I applied. I've recorded that debacle here many times. But again, through luck, I met my current supervisor during those fairly useless and miserable law PhD years. And now I am where I am.
My alcoholism during those years was "spotty" at times, meaning I would get - and at times even stay - sober for slightly longer periods of time. Be it because I was so depressed about my drinking, things and circumstances had gotten REALLY horrible at school, or some other thing. Whenever I was drinking, I went hard ... and then scrambled during those spots of sobriety, made a bit of progress or at least caught up with things (for the most part) etc.
That's why I say I pissed away my 20s, because many people reflect on their university years as some adventure in young adulthood. For me it was a decade-long life-and-death pendulum swing between the world of the living and of a destitute and miserable drunk. By the time I was finally done, I had no friends remaining from high school except one dude I speak with infrequently. I only learned the names of probably 5-6 people during my university years (ah well ... it's a small place, so one guy who I got to know at law school and with whom I'm on good terms with was actually from my high school, so I guess that makes 2 people from high school I'm still basically able to get in touch with), and the last time I spoke with one was a year ago when that one guy from law school that I mentioned in the brackets came for a brief visit to my home town.
I guess I could, y'know, show everyone my diplomas, but to me, those are just the wrapping around a more or less empty life with no real recollections or memories worthy of note. Of course, all of those things ultimately led me to today, so in a way ...I'm now grateful that they happened. I got a new start.
PS: My day today was pretty slow, because I didn't get work until evening. But then I got three translations in a row. I finished one, will start on the second tomorrow and the third is for Thursday. Other than that it was an okay day, I did mess about with one manuscript revision for a while, but I mostly remained idle until work came in. I'm still sticking to that intermittent fasting schedule (albeit a more relaxed one in terms of hours when I don't eat, i.e. 12).
End of Day 399. I did not drink today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,018
Thanks for the story K. It does sound like Uni was a pretty miserable time for you. It gives me a renewed appreciation for what those 399 days of not drinking mean to you.
My days continue to be pretty monotonous. My usual finance, sewing and caring for my Dad.
I have signed up to have a video tutor, a woman in Mexico, to work on my Spanish. She is an invalid and happy to teach. She has an easy laugh which make it a pleasure to interact with her. We had our second session today. I am reading a Spanish novel, El Tiempo Entre Costuras (The Time Between Seams) and have asked for her help. It is a bit ambitious but it looks like this pandemic will continue so I might as well bite off a chunk to work on. Just figuring out how to share a screen and trying to learn about sharing an electronic book is an education.
Sao, how are you all doing? Some of our states are disasters and some are doing pretty well. I'm pretty flummoxed by what makes a difference in the areas. Are parts of Great Britain better than others?
My days continue to be pretty monotonous. My usual finance, sewing and caring for my Dad.
I have signed up to have a video tutor, a woman in Mexico, to work on my Spanish. She is an invalid and happy to teach. She has an easy laugh which make it a pleasure to interact with her. We had our second session today. I am reading a Spanish novel, El Tiempo Entre Costuras (The Time Between Seams) and have asked for her help. It is a bit ambitious but it looks like this pandemic will continue so I might as well bite off a chunk to work on. Just figuring out how to share a screen and trying to learn about sharing an electronic book is an education.
Sao, how are you all doing? Some of our states are disasters and some are doing pretty well. I'm pretty flummoxed by what makes a difference in the areas. Are parts of Great Britain better than others?
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,210
I think it is really commendable that you got sober by 30 kk, I wish I had done that. Sobriety will help keep you mentally alert which I guess is essential in the legal profession.
I'm OK thank you Bekind, we are Europe's red zone for Covid 19, it has been a disaster here, over 60,000 dead. London where I live hit the peak first but was the first place to see a decrease too. The lockdown is effectively over here despite that, I fear a second wave in the Autumn.
I'm OK thank you Bekind, we are Europe's red zone for Covid 19, it has been a disaster here, over 60,000 dead. London where I live hit the peak first but was the first place to see a decrease too. The lockdown is effectively over here despite that, I fear a second wave in the Autumn.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
I really like your tutoring option, Bekind. Hope the collaboration continues to be fruitful
Sao - I guess it's good that I'm not in the legal profession
thank the fortunes for that, because law would be miserable even without booze, truth be told. I'm not knocking the education itself, because as far as uni-taught disciplines go, law is one of the more useful ones (practically speaking) in the social side of things. The issue is not the discipline itself, but often the type of people it attracts and how morally compromising the work can end up being. For me, personally, it just comes down to a severe lack of interest. Sociology, however ...now we're talking.
Today started off well - I woke up quite early, had my coffee, which I now take without sugar in the morning (supposedly, that does not break the fast), and then got to work on the translation soon after. I think the going was somewhat slow and I became super sleepy by about 4pm, so I took a nap. Did some more translating in the evening. That's basically it for my day. I'd venture a guess that I did manage to get today's portion of things completed (worked on two separate texts), i.e. about 6 pages or so.
I want to put in a more consistent effort tomorrow with the translation.
Hope everyone had a decent day.
PS: with respect to yesterday's reflection - in many ways, it still baffles me how rapid my descent was. I can recall those "hanging out in the summer and having 2 beers and that was it" when I must've been 16 (basically the images that my mind tries to conjure up now in its efforts to convince me) ...and blacking out in the park at mid-day, on a school day, from cheap strong beer that I and another schoolmate "preferred" at 18. Whereas it only got worse from there, as there was no so-called joy left in it, merely the chase and escape by 21-22. That's also when I ended up having to re-do year 3 at law school and had the 9-month break from alcohol. Geez - that was nearly 10 years ago already...
End of Day 400. I did not drink today.
Sao - I guess it's good that I'm not in the legal profession
thank the fortunes for that, because law would be miserable even without booze, truth be told. I'm not knocking the education itself, because as far as uni-taught disciplines go, law is one of the more useful ones (practically speaking) in the social side of things. The issue is not the discipline itself, but often the type of people it attracts and how morally compromising the work can end up being. For me, personally, it just comes down to a severe lack of interest. Sociology, however ...now we're talking.Today started off well - I woke up quite early, had my coffee, which I now take without sugar in the morning (supposedly, that does not break the fast), and then got to work on the translation soon after. I think the going was somewhat slow and I became super sleepy by about 4pm, so I took a nap. Did some more translating in the evening. That's basically it for my day. I'd venture a guess that I did manage to get today's portion of things completed (worked on two separate texts), i.e. about 6 pages or so.
I want to put in a more consistent effort tomorrow with the translation.
Hope everyone had a decent day.
PS: with respect to yesterday's reflection - in many ways, it still baffles me how rapid my descent was. I can recall those "hanging out in the summer and having 2 beers and that was it" when I must've been 16 (basically the images that my mind tries to conjure up now in its efforts to convince me) ...and blacking out in the park at mid-day, on a school day, from cheap strong beer that I and another schoolmate "preferred" at 18. Whereas it only got worse from there, as there was no so-called joy left in it, merely the chase and escape by 21-22. That's also when I ended up having to re-do year 3 at law school and had the 9-month break from alcohol. Geez - that was nearly 10 years ago already...
End of Day 400. I did not drink today.
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