Numblady

Thanks Dee! I am definitely keeping the faith. Yesterday I even felt this faint glimmer of happiness. I mean I feel happy overall so I’m not really explaining it all that well. It was like I was leaving work excited for the evening without thinking oh this is where I would have been looking forward to pounding a bunch of wine — or wanting to.

Hoping all have a great day. Worried about so many of our folks. I PM’ed Palmer. I think this is the longest she’s ever gone without posting. Hoping all are ok out there.

I am dragging myself to a bike ride. I will be glad when I am done but right now I just want to go to the donut shop.

PalmerSage

Hi all, so sorry for not posting yesterday! My husband had surgery, so that consumed all my time and mental energy. Everything went fine, but we're waiting for some test results in about a week, so we will go from there. My whole family has a lot going on, so I'll be pretty busy this weekend, but I'll definitely be checking in and responding later today.

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

@Dee: Thank you for the kind words of wisdom - it can be so reassuring to hear from a more seasoned community member that things can improve over time, and that the challenging or numbing feelings can fade and make way for more positive possibilities.

@Palmer: I'm so glad to hear that everything went well with your husband's surgery. I hope that you are taking care of yourself during this time also, it can be so stressful trying to navigate the health care of a loved one whilst taking care of family, managing general life admin and also trying to deal with your own emotions. Sending you energy and light! Also I just want to let you (and the other class peeps) know that I wasn't trying to guilt anyone for not posting - that's the last thing I would want to do! I just like to check in with everyone when things go a little quiet so that if anyone is feeling the pressures of the AV or old triggers and behaviours settling in, that they might feel encouraged to come post. Thinking of you and your family this weekend!

@Numblady: I am so so sorry to hear about your husband's friend. you are absolutely right. When awful things like an unexpected death happen, it really jolts us back to life and opens our eyes to the damage these substances cause and the havoc they ravage under the guise of escape. I hope your friend has found peace. Thank you for the reminder to hug those close to us and let them know how much they mean to us. I hope this morning's bike ride was fun and that you enjoy date night with your hubby! I am sooo jealous that you get to spend time on a ranch. I have been obsessed with horses since I was a kid and always dreamt of living on a ranch. I was old school pen pals (showing my age now!! haha) with one of my mom's colleagues' daughters when I was younger, and she lived on a ranch and I always wanted to switch lives with her! As I mentioned to Palmer above, I didn't mean to be pushy by mentioning that people had been quiet, I just worry that people have been laying a little low and want everyone to know that no matter what's going on, whether anyone has slipped, or no matter what is going on for anyone, we are a class and we're all in this together, for the long haul! It worries me too that the class has gone a little quiet, especially as I can recognise my own feelings of numbness and boredom as we approach the 4/5 month mark. Making a conscious effort to check in and post here is definitely helping me to call out those feelings and hopefully ensure against any feelings or desires to drink setting in!

Take care all, have a safe and sober weekend

Numblady

Palmer, sorry for my panic! Also sorry for all you and your husband are dealing with!

NC, why are you pushy? Ha! I am totally kidding. I did not at all think you were being pushy. It sounds like we feel largely the same way. Just wanting to give (and draw) support from our class. Genuinely worrying about our folks and wanting them to feel loved and supported. All that good stuff!

Well as for me things are going pretty well today. I did the bike ride. It was TOUGH but I let myself turn around early as a reward for working hard with the dudes (okay there was one chick but it’s mostly dudes and mostly dudes who are in way better shape). Then I came home and blew off the work I need to do in my garden because it’s hot as [insert whatever word you want] up in here and I’d been out in the sun all morning. I just did some nice stretchy yoga instead. Now I am in a place of true happiness. The bed! Waiting for the fine loving arms of the gratuitous nap to envelop me. Then both kids are going to sleepovers and hubby has already agreed we can skip the ballet, go to sushi, and possibly come home and enjoy a quiet house where the only people we have to get to bed are ourselves.

Then tomorrow is the ranch and now I am really trying to plan to go to my first meeting as my Mother’s Day gift to myself. Hopefully I’ll be back in time! If not there are at least two other nearby options that start later so I should be okay. I just kind of wanted to go the one with a speaker. That seems like it would be extra cool.

Oh and NC it is a really awesome ranch with a creek and a pool and all these different cabins/houses plus a huge awesome kitchen. But if it’s any consolation there are no horses. Just some cows. Is it just me or do cows always look like they’ve been up to something when you look at them? Also is it just me or do cats look like if they could talk most of the time they would be saying “ what in the bleeping bleep is going on right now?”

Keeping the faith. Mooo!

NewChapterJan18

@Numblady: LOL - thanks, I just worry sometimes that posts may come across differently than intended as is the nature of the written medium of communication!

Well done on tough bike ride today! And also on giving yourself a break and blowing off some chores to squeeze in some yoga instead by recognising that you had done enough in the sun for one day! Self care is the tether of this whole sobriety game, I'm starting to think. Happy that you and hubby decided to skip the ballet and head straight to sushi for date night! Enjoy! The ranch just sounds soooo cool. I am such a country girl at heart!! Looking forward to hearing all about it. Also I think it is so great you're going to a meeting. Please let us know how you get on.

I am currently trying to drag my ass off the couch to get ready for my own date night - it is our last weekend away on the work trip so we are going for a late dinner and then to a really late nightclub. I may have previously mentioned that my husband loves dance music, and some DJs he likes are playing. I have no desire to drink at all, but I am looking forward to seeing him have fun and I intend on making the most of the night by enjoying the meal and his company - hoping I can keep my eyes open!! Tomorrow will be a write off as I catch up on sleep. Normally when sober, I try to hibernate away and if/when I do have to go out, I spend the whole night just willing it to be over so I can get home to bed. Though I don't intend on spending many weekends in nightclubs, this is a unique situation and my husband rarely gets to see DJs he likes. I don't want to spend my whole life just willing the time to pass so i can get to bed, feeling bored and unable to partake in any social activities. I want to try and enjoy events with my husband and learn to be able to do so in the absence of alcohol.

Hope everyone doing well!

Sunflower79

Hey ladies. Sorry I’ve been MIA for a bit. Just doing life stuff. I feel like I’m at a place now where sober is the new me. I don’t have the desire to go back to my old life and im really loving all the women friends I’ve made in AA.
I’m so happy our little group is chugging along. 💕.

Numblady

So glad to hear from you sunflower! What an awesome update.

I am celebrating mother’s day early by blowing off workout to work in the garden. better get after it before I have to go get my daughter.

PalmerSage

Hi all! Checking in on this rainy, dreary Mother's Day. Due to my husband's surgery, he is not really able to do anything so I am running around like a maniac (all too typical) to get ready for a family party in a few hours. I also had to take one of my kids to an early meeting, so no sleeping in...pooooooor me. Also getting ready to leave town for my trip early tomorrow morning. The good news is, I don't feel like drinking and I can completely relate to Sunflower's comment that sobriety is my new normal.

I've been going back and forth about booking a hotel room for the extra night of my trip. The price for the hotel I'm staying in has risen above $500/night, which seems really wasteful for me to just sit in. On the other hand, I made a mistake but I'm causing myself so much stress that I might as well just go ahead and book it. I always feel so guilty about things like this, and my husband compounds that guilt, but what the hell...I will just go ahead and do it.

Numblady

Hi friends. Well Super fail on me as far as attending a meeting goes. I guess if I had been quicker thinking on my feet I would have realized I had time to get dropped off at the church where the meeting was and then take an Uber home. But instead even though I thought we were leaving the ranch in plenty of time I wouldn’t have made it on time to meeting and didn’t want my first one to involve me slinking in late and embarrassed. So I just didn’t go. Then the kids were so crazy tired from their sleepovers and a day fo raucous kid fun at the ranch (mostly the cold pool) that I sort of rationalized it as not leaving my husband with the chaos. Plus there was more puttering I wanted to do in the yard. So all in all I think it’s okay. Had a really nice day at the ranch and the child-free night before was just super cool. Felt so liberating!

Palmer, I’m so sorry you are dealing with so much and on this day to boot. Sounds like you are handling like a champ. But still. Know it would have been nice for you to have some extra love and pampering. I seem to have forgotten or not realized about your trip. Maybe you can rationalize extra night as a belated Mother’s Day gift to yourself? I am probably overly prone to rationalizing spending so you may not want to take advice from me

Not much else to tell. Gonna be a rough Monday morning weigh-in but my mantra for everything right now is “just don’t drink. I may not be able to keep my yard the way I want it....just don’t drink. I may still experience pain when I wear clothes with a waist....just don’t drink. I may not have my money situation under control and may still be looking into buying a new HVAC....just don’t drink.

Sleep tight one and all. Come back Milly and BTLover and Komplex and Chase and Untubnt and everyone else! Scotty I know you warned you would be unable to post much but just know I’m thinking of you. Good night!

scottynz

Thanks for the thoughts Numblady, it feels lovely to be thought about. Sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your friend, as we all know here some demons can be well hidden.

@Palmer I am glad you have your husband’s surgery behind you, that is always such an anxious time. Thinking of you as you wait for test results, I hate the patience required to be a patient.

I’m doing ok. Things are still tricky with my son. Me going back to full time work this year has had an impact on him that is not entirely positive, but at the same time at almost 17 years old part of my job as his Mum is to not always be around and let him make his mistakes and learn from them. The big battle is an addiction to video games that is hard to control when I am not home. I know many of his generation are hooked on them, but when you add autism into the mix it is a genuine mental health concern. So I need to model being off my screen when home and these days am heading for bed when he does and then try to avoid the ipad.

My employers have invested in the resilence institute here who come in and work with the entire staff to support their wellbeing. Lots of learning there, but one was around sleep and the fact that the way light from devices hits the human eye causes the brain to become active as it is in daylight. Apparently this is true even with kindles which are not backlit. I always read before bed and have my books on a kindle and since that talk I put away my screen before I go upstairs and am sleeping much better, but it does cut down my SR visits.

I love our class and SR family and am very wary of complacency, but I am finding that I am not thinking as much about alcohol or not drinking.

The shine has gone off being newly sober though, it is now more living regular life with its ups and downs while being more present and that isn’t always easy.

I still cannot get quitting sugar right and suck at exercise, but at least I am about to turn my screen off!

PalmerSage

Hi all! Numblady, I realized I didn't respond to the tragic news of your husband's friend. That is just so terrible. Do you think it has/will cause any self-reflection on your husband's part, since he is still drinking? Even as I type this, I imagine the answer is "not really," the illogical thinking/denial of the heavy drinker. As for attending a meeting, I've been considering the same thing myself (for almost 5 months, so that gives you an idea of my level of commitment, ha!) I'm anxious to hear about it, when you do end up going.

Scottynz, I can only imagine how difficult it is to try to pull your son away from the video games, and even though it is definitely a generational problem, I think some kids are more prone to the complete mental obsession than others. You're an amazing, vigilant mom who seems to be constantly looking for new ways to understand and adapt to your son's behavior, which is completely admirable.

Today is another blah, rainy day, and I'm getting ready to fly out this morning. There is a packed agenda once I arrive, and I'm still struggling over the guilt of leaving my family in their time of need, but unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change any of it at this point, so I will practice my acceptance over things I can't control. Wish me luck with that!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I spent most of the day sleeping, eating and/or watching Netflix as we didn't get home until 6.30am yesterday morning from our date night. I still don't know how I managed to stay up that long, but my husband enjoyed the night and I enjoyed his company, so all was well. even though it was a long night, he didn't drink that much and stayed relatively sober, which meant that we could talk and have fun together, which was nice. I hope all of the mothers had a lovely day and were treated like the Queens that you truly are!

@Sunflower: I am so happy that you have found such contentedness and that you are enjoying meetings and the ladies you have met. Thanks for popping by and sharing the positivity!

@Palmer: I hope your husband is recovering well. I'm sorry you are picking up so much slack and also dealing with the added pressure of entertaining others! I'm glad you decided to book the extra night. I really hope you have a great trip and enjoy that extra night all to yourself - well deserved and no need to feel guilty in the slightest. I always think it is pertinent to remember that you can't take care of others if you're not taking care of yourself. So in this period when there is such high demand on your physical and emotional resources, try to view the time away from family and any moment you get to steal for yourself as an investment in your wellbeing, and in turn, an investment in your ability to be there for them - hope this helps a little!

@Numblady: I'm sorry the meeting didn't work out, there's always next time! i'm so happy that you had such a fun time at the ranch and that you got to bask in the luxury of child-free night! haha As for the weigh-in, I haven't stepped anywhere near a scales in longer than I care to admit. I am going to try to be healthier for the sake of my energy levels and mood though, as it has really taken its toll lately. I think we have to just keep our focus centred on sobriety and anything else is a bonus!

@Scotty: So happy you popped by! I am sorry things are challenging with your son, it really sounds like you are such an incredible mom. I know how tough it can be to deal with the feelings of been torn between motherhood duties and other duties when returning to work, and I really admire how you handle all that you have going on. It sounds like your son has an excellent role model. Thanks for sharing the interesting info re: sleep and devices. I really should keep that in mind. It's so great that you are settling well into sobriety and have not had any pesky urges. Don't be too hard on yourself re: exercise and sugar - I'm pretty sure we are all struggling with that mantle still! It will come in time (or so I have been telling myself).

Echoing Numblady in a call for our departed or silent classmates to pop by for a check in - missing y'all and thinking of you!

Numblady

Hey there everybody!

NC, that is impressive you stayed awake! And how awesome hubby could be present with you or at least not drinking very much. Sounds like it was a great experience for you both. And how nice that the recovery was really just rest rather than waiting for a hangover to wear off and/or soaking it with more booze so it didn’t hurt so much.

Palmer, keep us posted while on the trip if you can! Try not to feel guilty. I know this is like the opposite of preaching to the choir since I like you struggle mightily under the weight of the guilt monster. But still!

Scotty, sounds like you are making some really healthy choices. Including with the screen time. I’m so unaware I don’t even know if my iPad is backlit. I think it is but who knows for sure. I still sleep pretty well in spite of it being hot as bleep up here in our second floor. (This is why i’m Willing to explore the whole hvac thing...discomfort).

Speaking of discomfort I told someone she needed to retire/resign today or I was going to have to terminate her. I’ve been second guessing and hating myself every moment since. Not to throw myself a pity party when I just made someone’s life suck but I just feel like a monster. She’s the sweetest person in the building. She just can’t keep up with the work and I have to follow up two, sometimes three or even four or more times. It just shouldnt’ be that way. And we’ve tried talking and meeting and whatnot but at the end of the day she just wasn’t performing her job the way it needs to be performed. It just freaking sucks, though. This is the part of managing that I hate so much. I didn’t want to drink after but I sure did want to bury myself and hide under a chair for the next month or so.

Ugh. So I may not sleep very well tonight but it won’t be because of the iPad.

Other than that pretty good. TAke care little buddies!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class!

@Numblady: I am so sorry you had to do that. It really sucks when you have no other choice in those situations. It's particularly awful when the person involved is such a sweetheart and hasn't done anything malicious to deserve the consequences, but is rather a victim of circumstance. It really sounds to me that you truly made every effort to help this lady and to try and avoid the inevitable from becoming a reality. I am sure that you handled the situation with the utmost respect and delivered the news in a gentle and honest manner, which will have at least been of some comfort. I am sure this lady was aware that the situation was untenable and given the previous efforts on your part and communication between you both, she knows that you tried your best for her. At the end of the day, you have a job to do, and this lady simply can't deliver - there is no malice, just simple (though unfortunate) fact - managing others is so tough! Hey, maybe she will appreciate it once the news settles in - I am sure it's no fun for her to feel like she is struggling and causing the rest of the team distress either, so this may be a nice opportunity to move on to a more suitable pace of life. I hope you feel better!

I don't much feel like it, but I am going to force myself to go to Bikram yoga tonight and try to ease back into exercise. I always feel so much better when I go, it's the thoughts of it after having been away from practise for a week and a half that make me want to just blow it off and chill instead. Work is mounting and I've been procrastinating and dodging rather than getting stuck into it as I should, which only makes it worse as the mountain grows and looms larger. Our trip is coming to an end and we'll be back home on Saturday, so hoping I can hit the ground running with some serious productivity on Monday and continue that way for the next few weeks with a good routine.

Hope everyone is doing OK out there!

PalmerSage

Hi all, checking in to say that I am here and sober, even though yesterday definitely tested my resolve. We had a house fire and currently can't live there, so I booked an early flight home to care for my kids and survey the damage. All I can hope is that we get good news from my husband's biopsy. When it rains...

Dee74

Sometimes all the available choices are bad ones Numblady.
I hope you sleep ok.

D

Dee74

OMG I'm so sorry PalmerSage. We're all behind you here

D

PalmerSage

Thanks so much, Dee!

NewChapterJan18

Oh @Palmer I am so so sorry. I hope that the damage is as minimal as possible. Sending so much positive energy and I will be hoping the best for your husband's biopsy results.

Sunflower79

Oh goodness. I’m thinking about you Palmer ❤️