tootsl1

Babs, sometimes it helps to get perspective, when we see how great the suffering of others is compared to the slighter things we may be enduring. But also do not negate or denigrate the hurt you feel when your H deliberately says or does something to upset you. As you did though, walking away is exactly the right thing to do. I'm glad you are feeling better now.

Sass, I'm glad sassykitty is doing better.

Babs1234

Hi ! You guys have given more strength then you know. I'm feeling very strong right now in my recovery and the reason I say that is I have no desire to drink over a disagreement with my H. I say that today and tomorrow could be a whole new story but, I'm handling things as they are today. Thank you---If I need to step back and take a look at the situation you guys always tell me. I need that and that's what's so great about this thread. Hugs
Babs

Saskia

That's great, Babs! I still occasionally wish I could have an occasional drink. At this point I have such a huge amount of practice thinking it through to the end that that it has become second nature. I'm finding myself thinking "I don't want to go back there" almost instantly. So much easier to get through than during the first year plus.

Babs1234

how true Sass---
Babs

tootsl1

That continuing vigilance Sass, that's what being here daily gives me too. If I were to leave SR behind, I am not sure that complacency wouldn't give AV a chance to squeeze into my psyche and make me forget to think forward through the full process.

Saskia

Toots, that expresses where I am in a nutshell! I have no plans to stop coming to SR. As I get older, getting to AA meetings becomes harder because I don't like to drive at night and in snow, etc (I don't drive much anymore). It's so easy to pop in here whenever I want to and it keeps my sobriety front and center where it needs to be. I never take it for granted that I am sober.

Babs1234

How true you guys. I have to remain focused and coming here really helps me. I do have a rough time getting along with my spouse and I don't know if it's because I have changed along with my stopping drinking or what? I have to take care of myself and that has to come first. I really appreciate your advise and it helps keep me sane.
It also helps just getting it out sometimes.
Babs

Gilmer

I hear you! How often has this thread been my sounding board! Many times the people on here were the voice of reason!

Saskia

Babs, I think many of us find that as we progress in sobriety both our relationships and our thoughts/perceptions change. I think that all relationships require some amount of effort on each side. After a big change like staying sober, those changes sometimes result in relationships that don't work the same way or just don't work. Sometimes a counselor can help people sort out the issues.

Babs1234

thank you Sass---I forget that I don't rule and that my higher power does. Whoops getting too big for my britches.
Babs

tootsl1

I truly feel that as we develop in our sobriety, we see the person we are more clearly. I for one saw how alcohol had affected my responses to Mr T and other family members. I wouldn't necessarily start an argument, that was never who I am, but I would use the excuse of one to climb into a bottle and be 'poor me'. When the bottle was no longer an option, I could no longer hide from either his behaviour or my responses. That in itself forced changes. Mr T changed, because I was no longer as malleable as I used to be, and the 'reward' for his behaviour - of seeing me drunk and upset allowing him to feel his superiority, no longer occurred. We have had our ups and downs over the last four years, but I can honestly say, my differing responses to h is action, or those of other - or that of situations - have changed our relationship for the better. It is on a more balanced keel as we steer this marriage through hopefully calmer waters.
As we know, not all relationships can - or necessarily should- survive the sobering of one partner. Perhaps the relationship would have had no longevity if they hadn't sought retreat from it in the bottle, rather, sought to deal with it in the way it should have been.

Babs, you always have the support and strength of the Marchers, I admire your tenacity immensely, and am possibly more aware than you of your inner core of strength.

Gilmer

What a wonderful post, Toots!

Saskia

Ditto for me, Toots! So well said and obviously from the heart ❤️

PhoenixJ

Me 3

Duffster

Me 4!

Toots, you have such insightful views and I love that you share them here with us.

Babs, we all know what happened to my relationship but it had to happen. I changed and he didn't. Toots, you & Mr. T. are the lucky ones, that he changed along with you. We've had a horrible relationship literally from day 1 - we actually fought on our wedding night and went to bed not speaking. But the clarity I now have has allowed me to leave and choose to live a peaceful life.

Each of our journeys are different but I think we can all agree we're better people because of being here, having each other to vent to and ask advice to, and receiving such great insight, encouragement and support.

Babs, do you think counseling would help?

Gilmer

Counseling helped me and my husband immeasurably.

Babs1234

You know what? Sass I needed to hear that from you. I admire you for your strength. Counseling would be great but, he won't go and I'm not much better ---it's easy for me to turn my head the next day and forget about the nasty words we exchanged. Coming here is my #1 survival . I can honestly tell you that I would be back drinking if it wasn't for my Marchers. Hugs to you.
I need to practice to listen more than I speak. See ! ! ! Just putting it out there helps me. Another awh hah moment.
Babs
P.S. Have a great week-end.

PhoenixJ

Babs- I often find qwertying helps me clarify my thinking (with my brain).

Saskia

PJ, congrats on reaching 1 year and 2 months sober! Super job, my friend

Gilmer

Yes! Congratulations, PJ!