tnek97

Just a quick hello. Happy weekend everyone. I had the most realistic dream last night, involving a lot of people and substances I used to consume. I was SO happy to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Sober Saturday! I'm going for a run now, to shake off that dream.

kevlarsjal

Glad to hear you're okay, Steely. I was already a bit worried. Talking about it brought back lots of memories and emotions, I think it takes some time for us to process them. It's not easy to be confronted again with what we've kept locked away carefully for so many years. It helps to know we're not alone, we're doing this together. And to know that going through the process of dealing with it, will enable us to let go of all that crap and have a brighter future. It's worth it thinking of you!

I know the feeling, trek! What a relief to know it was only a dream. I woke up yesterday with the worst headache and swollen face and thought for a second it's a hangover but then remembered I forgot to take my allergy meds the night before.

Dee, I love your new signature! Goes with what I said to Steely.

How was the school play rainy?

Poppy79

Morning all.
Quick check in to say g'day. I am off to the markets this morning out west of Brisbane. Looks like rain but we are hopeful we won't get too wet.
Hope everyone is having an awesome Sunday xoxo

rainypnw

Hello everyone! We put the school play on hold until next weekend (thanks for asking, Kevlar). Decided to go furniture shopping instead. Wow...furniture shopping can be overwhelming. I hate making choices and we went to at least 8 different places to look. Good thing we have a few weeks before we have to make any decisions on that kind of stuff.

The sun just came out and I'm going to head out for a walk! Hope the weekend is going well for everyone.

Steely

Awesome Sunday to you too Poppy. Enjoy the markets.

My last post was a bit disjointed because the telling of the story did/has bought up lots of memories. Spoke with my psychiatrist and really wanted to have a drink following. My head felt totally crowded out with crap.

I think I muttered "F off AV", or something, and it did.

Made it home safe and sound, and never have I made a better decision. Confounds me how, when the thoughts come to mind they can be so compelling, convincing and plausible that one would think I didn't have a drinking problem whatsoever. Ha! I feel so happy about not having picked up.

When I looked in the pub there were these two older men sitting there and they looked so depressed.

Don't know if I'll be able to express this properly, but for me kevlarsjal the talking about it has had me view shame in a different and light.

As you say I have internalised my shame, pain, self loathing and fear for decades. The perpetrators have a good handle on shifting the blame. Cheapest trick in the book

Anyrate.... we've told the whole world now kevlarsjal and we don't have to carry those feelings about ourselves any longer. Sobriety works in mysterious ways

My love to all, and thanks for everything we have done together. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. You guys are the best, and you guys got heart.

AV speaks with forked tongue.

November152017

Hello dear sober companions, just a quick hello before starting my Sunday morning flat clean....which I quite like...it must be the Ulster protestant in me, lol. (a little 'in house' Irish joke there folks)

Thanks Poppy for the nomo app...it tells me (and my sober twin Badger) that we are 123days 'shackle' free today!! Well done us Badge.

I hope you all are enjoying another great 'hangover free' weekend. Congrats to us all!!

Abriella

Good morning/afternoon sober family. Quick check-in for me. Sunny and cold here. I joined the local YMCA yesterday. Hope to get off my bum and work out at least 5 days per week. That's the goal anyway. There are tons of classes I can take, or I can just go after work and use the machines and weights. Also a pool that looked marvelous not only for me, but the grandkids will love joining me I'm sure. I'm excited to start something new.

Hope you all are well and having a wonderful weekend! Much love to all.

kevlarsjal

Hello nobenders!

It's a rainy and cold Sunday here, I decided to give myself a break from studying and am working on my giant painting. It's so good for the soul, my way of meditation.

Last night I felt really down. I received a bad letter yesterday and still the first thought that comes to my mind in situations like that is "I need a drink". Of course it's just a thought but I got very frustrated with myself for still having these thoughts. I guess I just have to adjust my expectations. My brain got trained to think like that for many years so it'll probably take some time to unlearn that way of thinking.
Then when I was sitting there alone in the dark feeling **** about myself I thought maybe that too is my AV talking. When it's telling me to pick up a drink then it's pretty obvious but maybe the whole beating myself up all the time and feeling bad about myself is my AV talking too. Cause when I feel **** or am thinking that I suck at being sober I'm more likely to listen to AV's self-destructive drinking suggestions. And then I thought it's not ME who wants myself to feel **** or who wants to destroy and punish myself. That might all be the addiction. I like to think that way at least.

kevlarsjal

Just been reading through all the new posts..

Did you find something nice on the markets poppy?

Wow rainy, going to 8 different places to look at furniture, no wonder you're overwhelmed! I think I would just go to one or two places and then not have the energy or nerves for more.

Steely it baffles me too, how my AV sometimes manages to make it sound like I actually could have a drink. Good that we don't listen to it! Well done on not picking up
And I think I understand what you said about the shame. It's not us that have reason to feel like that.


Congrats on 123 days November (and badge ofc)!

That sounds good Abriella, I'd be really excited about the pool! Can't wait to have enough money to sign up for the gym again.

Hope everyone has / had a nice weekend and a great start to the new week!

Steely

That was an incredibly insightful post kevlarsjal.

The idea that it's the forked tongue of the AV speaking, if not by seducing with alcohol, but with its flip side, self loathing, both with the same purpose...destroy. Man, our life is all made up. . All we gotta do is not drink and follow the instructions we have read so many times before.

Everyone seems to be doing really good things. Abriella to the YMCA. I hope you enjoy it, they sound like really good facilities.

Working on my self esteem is good if I don't drink

Poppy79

Greetings lovely people.
Today is a pretty big day in Poppy's world. I have decided to accept an offer of employment which means leaving my current position (comfort zone anyone?) to a whole new role focusing on marketing and sales. The new role is located about 5 minutes from home, pays over 10k more but most of all I think my stress levels will be reduced at the new place given I will only be doing 2 of tasks rather than 20 or so that I currently do.
Still scary though, it's still in the IT industry (software) but different areas. My experience lies in the legal industry whereas this new place is in the retail, wholesale/ distribution industries.
I was 3 years off getting long service leave where I am but I figure in my first year at this new place I will be paid that amount just in increased salary.
Current employer doesn't want me to leave and has mentioned a significant wage increase but no details or figures (I let her know about this new possible job start of last week) so I need to go with my gut and just start afresh.
Can someone please tell me I am doing the right thing? Lol. My best mate and mum seek to think so.
Ohhh and onto another topic, I called my mum last night because she hadn't responded to a text I sent (I worry)....she sounded different, turns out she was drunk. Was adamant she texted me. Slurring her words. I asked her flat if she was and she said yes.
Now I'm really worried that she might have a drinking problem too. Not quite sure what to do here. Any input would be appreciated?

rainypnw

Poppy, a lower stress level, more money, more focused work (2 tasks instead of 20) and only five minutes from home...sounds like a great work move to me! Congrats!

I actually thought about drinking yesterday. The AV had a little conversation in my head and told me it was a great idea to just have one beer. I must be able to drink moderately now that I've gone so many days without, right? Thankfully, my partner (a much wiser person that me) said no. I'm thanking my lucky stars today that I did not drink yesterday. Back in a good frame of mind and feeling strong today.

It's sunny here today with rain in the forecast for the rest of the week. I'm so tired of rain. So, we'll be getting out to enjoy the sunshine as much as possible today.

Plenny

Hi there everyone. Just thinking of you and popping in to say hello. Haven't been feeling well. Just some malaise and strange feelings in general. Bf is still working on his new quit date.
I think I've been sad because I know that the next time he has a bad drunk episode (one with events that are compromising for me to handle or stressful at all) I will have to end things.
This is pretty sad and heavy for me. I am trying to prepare for the worst. Trying to think in the big picture. Trying to put myself first.
It really sucks because my feelings for him are only getting stronger and we are still in the honeymoon phase. He's so wonderful. But I'm trying to be rational.

Dee74

Plenny

D

Kimmy2002

Well done Poppy on your new job. Sounds amazing. Xx
Good job on getting through that yesterday rainy. Our AV can be a real pain sometimes. Xx
Hugs Plenny. Xx
Hi to all my November family. Have a great day everyone. Xx

tnek97

I hate to be the person that asks this, but I've always been blunt with my friends (they come to me for honest advice, I've never been able to sugar coat anything)...if you're already prepping for a breakup, why do you have to wait until he comes home drunk one more time?

I think you already know, despite the honeymoon phase, and how wonderful he may be when sober, that this relationship is not good for YOU. And YOU are the most important person in your life.

I'm single, and a man, and a sassy gay man at that, so I know I can be a bit much with my relationship advice sometimes, but perhaps there is no good time to end a relationship, so it's best to just end it now and begin your new life? I do say this with support...I don't want to see you have to go through another "bad drunk episode."

kevlarsjal

Hello classmates

5 months for me today! Whoop whoop!

I still struggle with my emotions though. They took over some weeks ago and I don't know what to do with them, haven't really got any tools / developed any skills yet. I feel like I opened Pandora's box and now all the bad memories with the unpleasant feelings attached to them come up. I feel down, empty and lonely all the time, even when I'm with friends or my boyfriend. He told me that he felt similar at 5 months sober so hopefully it's just a phase.
I woke up early this morning cause I had a weird dream and I realised some more stuff that my mum did to me and it made me feel angry.
Now I just came back from a run (not a runner) and feel absolutely horrible, my poor body isn't used to excercise. But I think it helped a tiny bit with my anxiety so maybe I'll have the nerves to respond to that bad letter I received on Saturday.

Steely how are you? I'll see my therapist tomorrow and will mention lots of the things we talked about. Will be interesting to hear what she has to say. I think I'll have to start ignoring more what the AV says. I won't listen any longer to it telling me how worthless I am and all of that. Just have to get better at identifying it early on. Just have to remember that we're good and worthy of being treated well, and that includes how we treat ouselves.

Poppy that new job offer sounds like an amazing opportunity and I think you're doing the right thing taking that chance!
Regarding your mum, I don't really know what I'd do. My dad is an alcoholic too and still drinks a lot. He knows that he drinks too much and doesn't want to change it so I don't speak to him about it.
Depending on the relationship between you and your mum, maybe you could approach the topic carefully when she's not drunk an I'd recommend having a conversation like this face to face. Also does she know about your alcoholism?

Well done on doing the right thing rainy! That's my biggest fear too, that one day my AV tricks me into thinking I could drink "normally" again (not that I ever enjoyed that). In that way I think it's good that my BF and me are both alcoholics so we can remind each other if we ever question our addiction. Good that your partner is supporting you.

Plenny I thought a lot about what you said and I think I agree with tnek. I understand that it's very difficult though. Thinking of you

Kimmy, how are you doing? How was your weekend?

Hope everyone's doing well!

Poppy79

Hello hello.
I plan to write a super long post when I get to work and onto a computer today so be warned people I feel I need to respond to each and every one of you but I can't do that on an iPhone Dagnamit.
Quick update for poppy, I told my boss yesterday I had made my decision and there were a lot of tears, from her mostly. Made me think really hard about leaving. I am so sick of changing my mind like I change my undies.
Turns out I have decided to stay, I will be state manager with more responsibilities but also more rewards. And my boss is also a long time friend so there is a sense of loyalty there (I'm in her wedding in August FFS).
Now I am stressing about letting this new place know that I won't be taking a role they created for me. (My confidence has been super boosted over the last few weeks I have to say).
Better the devil you know than the one you don't?
Kevlar, I did speak to mum last night. We are very close, she is the one who drove me to rehab so knows all about my crappy relationship with alcohol.
I've been so wrapped up in my own recovery these last few months that I have not realised that she is having a rough time at the moment (enter feelings of guilt here).
Stay tuned for more from me later on today
Day 130 for me I think, or 131. Nomo will tell me when I check in.
Love to all xx

Kimmy2002

Hi Kevlar, I'm fine. Thanks so much for asking. Xx
Had a good day. Not much happening with me. My sister called today. Things have settled down a lot for her. Talking to her today, she seemed more like her old self. Made me feel happy.
Great news for you Poppy and your job. I'm sorry your mum is having a rough time. Hope everything is ok soon for her. Xx
Where you at Steely ❤️
Have a good evening/day. Lots of love to you all. Xx

Steely

My emotions are all over the shop too kevlarsjal. I really have to get off my bum and start to DO something too...I can't keep using lack of money as reason because, there are heaps of things that can be done with nix.

I still get that immobilised feeling, and find it really hard to get myself going. Just sit like a nitwit feeling scared and incapable. Can't help but notice a hint of self sabotage going on (boo hoo, I can't do it), so am making an absolute, written in stone commitment to you all, that I am frogmarching myself to the pool on Wednesday, with a plan that sees me going 2 times per week. It's a promise.

Am surprised to see that my mental health is improving, and my confidence with others definitely on the up. I really don't care what others think about me now because I know that in giving up drinking I reclaimed my integrity, and which no one can take away. Still shaky, but I've got a focus on it now. The slow relinquishment of shame and low self esteem are beautiful to behold, and still find it hard to believe that, "I will be released"

I was going to say "grab the new job" Poppy as it seemed to have everything going for it, but then read your second. The offer to remain in your current job sounds OK too. The new conditions look as good as those being offered so don't think you have a lot to lose either way. I'd be staying at the one with the better mix of work colleagues. The money's got to be right though

Hi Plenny. Everything that people have said is true I reckon Plenny. You have to do this for YOU, and as an old hand in the business of processes I know you will make the right decision eventually. It's only taken me (nearly) 5 months to get myself to the pool, and it's not even Wednesday yet .

Take care Plenny. Hope your bf does quit, but you could be waiting til the cows come home. Focus on yourself Plenny.

My love to all and hope you enjoyed the Y Abriella. I'm looking forward to the pool as really do want to see and feel the benefits that people talk about, for myself.

Want so much to address everybody individually, but my posts grow too long and I can't scroll back either. Just for everyone to know that you are all on my mind.