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Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 7

Old 03-14-2017, 04:13 AM
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This is a safe and wonderful place to express feelings. Steely and Kevlar, it takes so much courage to post painful experiences. Huge cyber hugs for both of you. Thinking of you today and hope you're feeling better.
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Old 03-14-2017, 05:42 AM
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Oh badge what you said helped me a lot. I always think that if I say anything I'll get sledged and I don't want to live like that anymore. This is so F'ing hard. I've got to believe in the process, and I do.

Thank you Dee. Thanks everyone because you believed me, and you cared.
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Old 03-14-2017, 05:56 AM
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Are you alright kev? Thinking about you a lot. You know too.
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Old 03-14-2017, 06:40 AM
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Yes I'm okay, thanks for asking Steely! What you wrote really touched me... there are so many parallels in our lives and in the way we feel/think. I hope you feel a better again.

Thanks to all the others too for saying such nice things. It's not always that kind of reaction you get when talking about this topic.

I'll write a longer post when I'm home. Sitting in a crowded bus now and I'm always slightly paranoid someone behind me could be reading what I'm writing.
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Old 03-14-2017, 06:43 AM
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Even tho I'm saying it, it really goes without saying that you have my support empathy and respect too Kevlarsjal

D
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Old 03-14-2017, 07:04 AM
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Finally got the nerve to call and find out my test results

Bad news : I really am a severe hypochondriac

Good news: my bloodwork looks really good, and nothing was found in ultrasound or urinalysis.

Now to work on getting courage to call for mental help.

Oh yeah and I found out where we are moving in June. VA. I'm pretty happy because I'll be close to NC. Also I am so sick of this snow.
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Old 03-14-2017, 10:30 AM
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Yay LSW congrats on your health and your move.
Is VA Virginia? Sorry, I'm Aussie and you Americans have sooooo many states. Or do you call them counties? Lol. Regardless, that is awesome. I have been to NYC and was amazed at the sheer size of it.
Me and hubby plan on visiting America again in 2018 but we want to see Miami, LA so we will probably stay on that side of the states.
I think it's day 124 for me, I haven't really been keeping a daily check on my 'clean days' lately... or if I do it's an afterthought so I quickly hop onto my nomo app and check in. Probably because I feel it's becoming more normal to be sober and I'm not thinking too much about days right now, more on autopilot and just living a nice and sober life.
I got through yesterday successfully, my god, the anticipation was super stressful. And what I thought was the right decision has now been confused so I am back to doing pros and cons for each career. BUT, at least I have approached my current boss and let her know of my situation. She was very understanding, doesn't want me to leave but accepts that I need to put myself as número uno. Now I just wait and see what both actually offer, they can talk about salary until the cows come home, I need it in writing peeps
One thing that has surprised me is that I went through all of this stress without even thinking of drinking and that is something foreign to me of which I am very proud.
Sorry Steely and Kevlar, my stresses regarding work feel lame in comparison to your previous posts.
Have a flipping fantastic day ladies and gentlemen xoxo
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Old 03-14-2017, 01:36 PM
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Thanks Poppy. Raining here and have to go visit my mother in the nursing home and buy her slippers. Might slip 'er a mickie

I actually slept 'til nearly 7 am, which is the first time I haven't seen myself sitting here at 3 or 4am. I actually feel a bit refreshed, and this is a first too. Maybe my screaming it from the rooftops was cathartic Poppy, because I definitely feel better this morning. Stronger.

The great goddess Carthis (I just made that up), might have paid me a visitation during the night. All hail Carthis, and all hail you my friends you have been absolutely wonderful, and I mean that deeply.

As kevlarsjal says the response I received was nothing like the usual 'great taboo' response, and gave me strength and comfort. I'm going out to face (greet) the day.

Great news on your test results LSW. My doctor reckons a lot of people have health anxiety, and I'm one of them. I now try to tell myself that it IS all in my head, and it is working to some extent. Just looked at my tumour and it's shrinking.

I seriously feel better this morning...thank you all...you are the best.
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Old 03-14-2017, 01:51 PM
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Bloody great that you feel better and stronger Steely bloody great indeed (can't half tell I'm Aussie haha)
Although I was wide awake at 3am, I still managed to get 6 hours sleep and I feel much less anxious and churny this morning compared to this time yesterday.
It is true when they say unloading worries and talking through things really does help ones inner peace.
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Old 03-14-2017, 06:08 PM
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Big hugs to you both, Steely and Kevlarsjal. Thank you both for being brave enough to share with all of us. We have a pretty amazing group of people here. I feel like we know each other better than I know most of the friends in my life. Isn't it amazing to share your deepest hurts with others and only receive love and support!
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Old 03-14-2017, 07:49 PM
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Steely I just read your posts again. I am so sorry to hear how your parents reacted, that must've hurt so much. I can't imagine. It's very big-hearted and selfless of you to still visit your mum and to take care of her even though she seemingly didn't always take the best care of you. It's impressive.

Also: thank you for sharing with us. I think you're right, it's the truth and we shouldn't be afraid to tell the truth. It's not our fault, we are not the ones who did something wrong so we shouldn't be scared to talk about it. Saying that I still struggle with it myself. Just after it happened I only told my doctor cause I needed sleeping pills and a sick note for school. The doctor suggested I should see a therapist but by then I just wasn't ready for it. That was the first time when I realised that I drank to self medicate. Also I always thought that my drinking was borderline alcoholic by then but cause I managed to get back to a more controlled way of drinking I thought I was fine, or even immune to becoming an addict. I think I was mostly drunk for the following year or so. I drank before school to forget about what happened and to fight off the fear, to be confident enough to leave the house. I was raped right across the street from my dads house (at that time my home) in the car of someone I thought was my friend. So coming home or leaving was a nightmare every single time. I drank in school, and after school I sat on the city train for hours accompanied by a bottle of vodka. That was pretty much what my last year of school consisted of. I made it anyway and got my high school diploma with good enough grades to be able to get into the university of my choice. But of course my teachers and parents and everyone was disappointed in me, they didn't understand why I wasn't attending all my courses and why I wasn't motivated anymore. I've heard them saying so often, how sad it is to see me throwing away my potential and that they had such high hopes in me.

Before I moved away for university I told my dad and he was shocked. He was incredibly upset and wanted to know who the guy was to get him punished (not the legal way). I refused to tell him cause I generally don't believe in revenge and I didn't want my dad to get into trouble. He also said that that was his biggest fear when I was born and the doctors told him he's got a baby girl. I immediately felt like I did something wrong, disappointed him by being a girl and not a boy. Always thinking everything's my fault.

I never told my mum. I don't know if she could handle it. She's in denial about so many things and so self centred that I think I'd be either very upset and disappointed by her reaction or worried in case she couldn't handle it. So I try to protect her from the truth.

When I told my by then (idiotic and cheating) boyfriend, his only reaction was "well that kind of stuff happens I guess and maybe you shouldn't have been wearing a dress" ouch!

Years later at university I confided in a friend and her reaction was even worse. I thought she'd understand better cause she's a girl and at first she was very empathetic but then she ended our friendship, saying she couldn't handle what had happened to me and seeing me would now always remind her of that and she has no place for negative spirits in her life.

So you people can't imagine how big of a relief it is to have this place to talk about this.


Cutting into that topic stirred up a ton of emotions in me so I did some good journaling today. I mostly wrote about the relationship to my parents and my brother.

Also lately I noticed I have a really horrible feeling that just won't go away. Sometimes it's better sometimes it's worse but it's always there. I feel extremely lonely, sad, helpless, empty, without hope and like there's this giant hole in my chest. It's like a monster eating me alive, taking one big bite after the other, becoming stronger and bigger with every bite while making me weaker and smaller. It takes all my energy.
At first I thought I've never felt that way before but now I'm starting to recognise it. It took me a while cause I think that monster / feeling has been hiding behind a bottle for the past 15 years or so.
I felt that way when my parents were getting divorced and were both so tangled up in their own personal war that they forgot about me. My beloved cat died at that time too, my mum wasn't doing well and I was subject to all of her moods, her anger, hate, frustration and depression. My dad was stressed and drank in the evenings when I was at his place every weekend. I copied him. After he went to bed I sneaked into the kitchen and tasted my way through the liquor shelf. I didn't like the taste but I instantly loved the effects alcohol had on me. It gave me such a wonderful feeling. Like the world would lighten up a bit, seem much warmer for the moment and give me a big warm and welcoming hug. I started to look forward to the half hour to an hour I would spend getting drunk every Friday and Saturday night, it was the highlight of my week. The liquor bottles became my best friends and just seeing them made me happy. They had this promising glow around them, they promised good times and a rewarding feeling. And I believed them.

I start to believe my therapist when she suggested the reason I started drinking was my parents. I refused to accept that before cause I felt like I needed to protect my parents and like it must've been my fault not theirs.
But I think today I had a mini break through when I realised that i was just an innocent child pushed into the turmoil of my parents divorce and that they maybe didn't take the best care of me these years. I even allowed myself of feel anger towards my parents which is completely new to me.

Guess I also went into zombie mode and just wrote way too much. I'll just press send before I change my mind.
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Old 03-14-2017, 07:57 PM
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Kevlar- an apt name. I can understand the feelings now you have. My history of THAT event in your life I cannot possibly imagine. I offer empathy, support and compassion to you. I do however have some feelings that are akin. A lot of it ,apparently I have c-ptsd plus about 9 million other things, having to do with my parents. Alcohol was my only determined and logical escape. The why's and who's do not matter so much as me facing up to the feelings I have as an adult- not reliving them as a helpless child. What do I do - now to make my life better now and in the future with these emotions and feelings? You show great strength and courage in sharing this. Thank you. Keep posting. PJ
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Old 03-15-2017, 05:22 AM
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Hi guys. Have been reading and your posts have been so very powerful. Hugs all round. It takes courage I think to be so honest and lay open your thoughts and emotions. Lots of love to you all.
Has been another massive snowfall. Kids have no school again today. So sorry that I have not been around as much as I should. Have just been a really busy time but I have been thinking of everybody everyday. Love you all. Xx
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Old 03-15-2017, 11:17 AM
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Kevlar, thank you for sharing all of this. It always helps me to write things out. It's a small way to work/think through things. Big hugs to you this morning.

We just signed a contract on a house on Monday evening. It's a very exciting thing, but also a little scary. Now, we have the inspection and loan process and (if everything goes according to plan) we should be able to move mid-April. So much to do before then. I'm going to be spending a little extra time on SR between now and then to try to avoid overwhelm.

Hello, Kimmy, Steely, Badge, Abriella, LLG, Phoenix, Poppy, Ladyshipwreck, Dee, November, and anyone else I missed. I hope you are all having a good week. I need to make a list of everyone in this group so I don't miss anyone!
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Old 03-15-2017, 01:57 PM
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My dearest kevlarsjal. I read a paragraph of your post and have to close my computer because it makes me cry, and then I go back and read some more and all of what you have to say mirrors my own experience to a tee. Ha, I got the mini skirt theory too.

I have to see my psychiatrist this morning and will wait til I get back to give your post justice. We will make our own justice in sobriety with the knowledge that we are supported and understood. I understand kevlarsjal. I do.

My first reaction was of love, empathy and anger and then a vision appeared in my head where I take your hand and say, "come on kevlarsjal, we're walking this way", and off we go like two liberated hikers leaving the shite in our wake. We're on our way kevlarsjal, we're on our way.

I thank you so much for sharing, it meant so very much to me, secrets will destroy us.

I can't read anyone else's posts because my head is spinning but will be back after getting back from my psychiatrist's. We did nothing kevlarsjal except to be good girls...trusting too. We can do this together and betcha lots of other women here are reading too, and can relate big time. "We are women watch us grow."
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Old 03-15-2017, 02:31 PM
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Here we go kevlarsjal! I bought these 'pink elephants' at the op shop near my mother's nursing home. I know they are really kitch, but to me they look really happy, and sober as all get up and go.

My pictures always turn out upside down and hope this is not the case this time, because we are standing on our own two feet now, and definitely right side up.

Rock on my sister.
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Old 03-15-2017, 02:58 PM
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Elephants with their trunks raised up signifies great luck they are awesome Steely. I believe we generate our own luck but it doesn't hurt to have a visual reminder by way of cute little elephants.
I want a set now lol.
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Old 03-15-2017, 05:26 PM
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Hi to all. The crap path that led us to this resting place by the side has bought us all together. Now the path is not so steep or threatening. We help each other with our heavy bags- BUT decide that at least half the stuff we are carrying, is not needed anymore. One person has a bag far too heavy for them to carry alone anymore. So one of us picks up on handle strap and offers- I will help you with this. Another picks up the other bag. We have tended our hurts and sore- and although still aching and in pain, we know the path will soon get more smooth, true and we will continue- together.
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Old 03-15-2017, 06:18 PM
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That was lovely PJ. Xx
Love those elephants Steely. Lots of love to you. X
Congratulations on signing for the new house rainy. Exciting time. Xx
❤️
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Old 03-16-2017, 12:23 AM
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Hello all!! Hey November2017!! we did it! Hit the 4 month mark!! yeah us!!
And all the rest of us Nobenders tough times, easy times, fun, sad, hard, lazy times we are making it through together, and together we will succeed!

Congrats Rainy on the house! I do not envy you moving, it can be so overwhelming, I swore I would go into debt and pay someone to pack and move me when we do it again.

Love the elephants Steely thank you!
Kevlar- your post was so cathartic. Many mixed emotions went through my heart for you. thank you for trusting us with your story, we will never let you down. Love you.

Badge of the 4 month sober club!!
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