Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 7
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,598
Thanks Dee and Phoenix,.
It wasn't (just) that I'd lost a post, but the mental conflagration that it took to get my thoughts out. Resurrection of feelings.
I addressed everyone individually, remembered the essence of each post, got sad, got glad and then got slammed. Theory of the broken shoe lace
I haven't got the emotional energy to go further except to say that I am just as you, and it means so much to me.
I thank you kevlar for sharing as you did and continue to do, your friendship is immeasurable.
Hey tnek, that was me in the demonstration outside your window Well done though on shrugging it off. Those moments are priceless.
It wasn't (just) that I'd lost a post, but the mental conflagration that it took to get my thoughts out. Resurrection of feelings.
I addressed everyone individually, remembered the essence of each post, got sad, got glad and then got slammed. Theory of the broken shoe lace
I haven't got the emotional energy to go further except to say that I am just as you, and it means so much to me.
I thank you kevlar for sharing as you did and continue to do, your friendship is immeasurable.
Hey tnek, that was me in the demonstration outside your window
Well done though on shrugging it off. Those moments are priceless.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Steely, so good to hear from you. I've missed you on this thread!
This happened to me a couple of times already and now I always copy my posts before posting them, just in case. Especially when it's the long and emotional ones, they take it really out of me. Sharing feels good, it can be a real relief to get some of the stuff out there and I love the support, empathy and understanding in our little nobender class. But it's also very exhausting. That's what actually keeps me from going to meetings IRL cause I can get so emotional and then it's just too much and then going home and being outside with lots of strangers on the train or bus, no thanks.
What you said made me tear up a bit. I'm very touched by your words and it means just as much to me. I always felt "wrong" like I was wrong, what I did was wrong, how I felt was wrong and everything was my fault. Knowing that I'm not alone, that you feel the same, just knowing that helps so much. I feel less lost and hopeless. Thank you so much
This happened to me a couple of times already and now I always copy my posts before posting them, just in case. Especially when it's the long and emotional ones, they take it really out of me. Sharing feels good, it can be a real relief to get some of the stuff out there and I love the support, empathy and understanding in our little nobender class. But it's also very exhausting. That's what actually keeps me from going to meetings IRL cause I can get so emotional and then it's just too much and then going home and being outside with lots of strangers on the train or bus, no thanks.
What you said made me tear up a bit. I'm very touched by your words and it means just as much to me. I always felt "wrong" like I was wrong, what I did was wrong, how I felt was wrong and everything was my fault. Knowing that I'm not alone, that you feel the same, just knowing that helps so much. I feel less lost and hopeless. Thank you so much
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,598
Me too kevlar. Never really talked about this stuff to anyone, it seems always to be a taboo subject. We are not alone by a long shot, we just don't verbalise, or we run, or at least that's what I do. Oh yeah, I hide, and I just can't do it anymore.
I guess the fact that I don't even see alcohol as an option is good in that I am allowing the feelings to exist. It is hard yards, but I'm glad for it too.
I am sitting here like a crock, can't get out of my own way. All I have been able to do is write a shopping list with good food on it because I'm not eating. Really. I'm eating crap like Snowballs and stuff, but not real food.
So in celebration of my deciding to write a list
that included food that I (emphasis I) like, rallied the energy to send a pic of my deadly burnt orange shopping trolley. It takes all the drudgery out of food shopping ladies It's the one I found on the street during Council clean-up. I really do have to start eating better. It's Mediterranean all the way. This is the ONE THING I have to focus on. I'll go rock climbing when I've got food in my belly. Maslow's Triangle.
I've got to work out how to copy from my iPad kevlar. Where do you copy to?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,598
I can remember a long time ago when I went to AA, an older bloke saying to me that I must be doing something right if I weren't drinking. I try to remember this during times like this. Times when I think I am so wrong. That's the trouble with an open mind
I love you all, and wanted to say Poppy that yes, I sometimes feel that I can't enter into useful dialogue without dogma appearing. There sometimes seems to be a few dots missing. It's the world Poppy. But we're here, and we can talk. Nobenders can bend, in a good way.
I love you all, and wanted to say Poppy that yes, I sometimes feel that I can't enter into useful dialogue without dogma appearing. There sometimes seems to be a few dots missing
. It's the world Poppy. But we're here, and we can talk. Nobenders can bend, in a good way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,598
And I just went to the kitchen to clean up, DO something, and there was an Huntsman spider under the tea caddy. I trapped him and chucked him out, but they give me the heebie jeebies. They are not really dangerous, they just look all creepy and hairy, and they can get big.
I could make a really bad joke here.....like, "creepy and hairy", sounds like a man. Only kidding my brothers, I have a dark sense of humour sometimes and the thought did make me laugh. I can take it if I get one bowled back
I could make a really bad joke here.....like, "creepy and hairy", sounds like a man.
Only kidding my brothers, I have a dark sense of humour sometimes and the thought did make me laugh. I can take it if I get one bowled back
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
I have always felt like I was just 'wrong'. An offense to the air I breathe. Although I have just scratched the surface with tortuous, very heavy psycologicimal sessions over many months I have an understanding.
I was not born wrong. I am the same person that I was- with the same soul (?)-born 'right'. that I had then as I do now. What happened to me as an infant, toddler- kid- teenager set into play dysfunctional emotional coping strategies. At the time- they worked- they were a way of surviving. Isolating, illness, absenteeism from school- avoiding people. Then drinking. Concluding that because everything was crap around me- I was the cause and therefore to blame. As these behaviours were in ground in me- as a growing adult, I still coped as I did as a child/younger me. With drinking-0 I felt that was wrong which escalated everything. I found no way out- despite years of trying everything I could. I drank- because it was a survival mechanism. Not an excuse- a clinical observation, I did not have the maturity to heal.
So my default was an invented one, not the 'right' one- when I feel stressed- that means something bad has/will happened. This feeling (logically) means I am a bad person- wrong. That I deserved to be different, alone, wrong, punished, depressed.
The fight for me now is to understand- I have to work through these intense feelings- bought about by a very intense last 18 months. I experience these feelings now- but not as the dysfunctional person I was- but with a functioning awareness and coping skills of an adult.
So- ride out the emotions. Write down what triggered it. HALTS, Lots of meditation (hard for me). Distract. Remind my self that now- I am safe and okay and working through these thoughts/feelings/emotions has to be one- not ignored or hidden away. Thus slowly I change.
Even posting this is a biggie- I have not shared this before.
I was not born wrong. I am the same person that I was- with the same soul (?)-born 'right'. that I had then as I do now. What happened to me as an infant, toddler- kid- teenager set into play dysfunctional emotional coping strategies. At the time- they worked- they were a way of surviving. Isolating, illness, absenteeism from school- avoiding people. Then drinking. Concluding that because everything was crap around me- I was the cause and therefore to blame. As these behaviours were in ground in me- as a growing adult, I still coped as I did as a child/younger me. With drinking-0 I felt that was wrong which escalated everything. I found no way out- despite years of trying everything I could. I drank- because it was a survival mechanism. Not an excuse- a clinical observation, I did not have the maturity to heal.
So my default was an invented one, not the 'right' one- when I feel stressed- that means something bad has/will happened. This feeling (logically) means I am a bad person- wrong. That I deserved to be different, alone, wrong, punished, depressed.
The fight for me now is to understand- I have to work through these intense feelings- bought about by a very intense last 18 months. I experience these feelings now- but not as the dysfunctional person I was- but with a functioning awareness and coping skills of an adult.
So- ride out the emotions. Write down what triggered it. HALTS, Lots of meditation (hard for me). Distract. Remind my self that now- I am safe and okay and working through these thoughts/feelings/emotions has to be one- not ignored or hidden away. Thus slowly I change.
Even posting this is a biggie- I have not shared this before.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Went out to dinner with my sister and she really wanted to drink so she had one with dinner. Then she really wanted to go to a bar. I was very tempted n kept thinking im probably going to drink. Its almost last call and im still sober standing outside waiting For her and her new buddies to be done. Im ready to go home and sleep!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
Thanks for sharing Phoenix I have an inkling of how you felt/feel, your post resonated with me.
Good on you LLG, massive props to you for staying sober in what must be a hard situation right in your face and all. I can't say I would have had the courage to venture into a bar with people who were wanting to party.
Awesome shopping trolley Steely lol. I love the colour.
Gotta jet, cooking roast chicken for dinner nom nom nom
xoxo
I have an inkling of how you felt/feel, your post resonated with me.Good on you LLG, massive props to you for staying sober in what must be a hard situation right in your face and all. I can't say I would have had the courage to venture into a bar with people who were wanting to party.
Awesome shopping trolley Steely lol. I love the colour.
Gotta jet, cooking roast chicken for dinner nom nom nom
xoxo
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Finishing my post from the safety and comfort of my wonderful apartment. I am seriously thinking God and just so happy that I did not drink tonight. I can see that my recovery is extremely shaky and I don't want it to be that way but I can also see that there was a guiding hand within me that kept saying no when my upper conscious kept saying maybe.
I need to be more clear with my sis that im choosing long term sobriety and i need to be assertive that i no longer want to be in crowded bars after midnight. Because i legitimately don't and im slowly unbecoming all the things i was never meant to be and i dont need another setback.
I need to be more clear with my sis that im choosing long term sobriety and i need to be assertive that i no longer want to be in crowded bars after midnight. Because i legitimately don't and im slowly unbecoming all the things i was never meant to be and i dont need another setback.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,598
Phoenix, thanks for your post. Your opening line, "an offence to the air I breathe", was something that I could not express, afraid it would look as an exaggeration. But it's not! I've often thought that part of my inability to eat is connected to deservedness. Don't even deserve to eat! Crikey! I know I do, but the pervasiveness of these negative, destructive, core beliefs saturate everything, and seems I don't get to choose. I want choice now, but it's bloody hard work this chrysalis into the butterfly business. Man, what a day!
Hi Poppy and LiveLikeGold. I started replying to you both, but am so tired will wait until tomorrow. See you then.
Hi Poppy and LiveLikeGold. I started replying to you both, but am so tired will wait until tomorrow. See you then.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Steely you just made me realise, I need a shopping trolley! I just went for groceries (all healthy fresh veggies plus some chocolate, just can't do without it at the moment) and it was way too heavy for my tiny shoulders. Boyfriend brought home some work so he's too busy to help. Now I'll have to do the cooking so we can eat when he's back from his run. It annoys me a bit. I know it's not his fault and normally we always go together and he carries it all but it just reminded me of the relationship that I had with my ex, where I would do everything. My AV suggested I should buy a bottle of wine while food shopping and then down it when I get home cause BF is still out on his run. Not gonna happen!
But yea, good food is so important for the body and soul. Have you checked out the recipe thread?
Re the copying on the iPad: I just double tap the text that I wrote, 'select all', 'copy' and then press send. If i was logged out for some reason, I just log in again, go back to the thread, double tap the empty reply field and select 'paste'. Then the text is back. Maybe try it with a short text.
Thank you for sharing Phoenix. As Steely said, you really hit the nail "an offence to the air I breathe". I thought for the longest time I had absolutely no right to exist. I felt guilty just for being alive. No wonder I started with self destructive behaviour.
So many parts of your post I feel like I could've written. Dysfunctional family, being neglected, isolating, illness, not going to school, drinking instead, seeing myself as the cause to all problems around. If my life is bad I must be bad. Then other things (death in the family, losing my baby in early pregnancy, rape, robbery) happened and I completely gave up on ever being happy again. I thought I did just try to survive for as long as my parents are alive to not cause them too much sorrow. Alcohol and suppressing any feelings was my survival mechanism too.
My therapist said something very similar. That it was a good strategy as a toddler/ child/teenager to rationalise or blame oneself so you could still bond with your parents. If we would've seen it the way it was, being 'right' and 'good' ourselves but being in a bad and dysfunctional environment, blaming our parents, seeing them as 'bad' would've not allowed us to maintain an emotional relationship to them, which for a kid is unmanageable. So even feeling 'wrong' all that time was right in the end, cause that's what made us survive. Now we have to unlearn in though.
I am safe now. That's something that I still have problems with believing.
Thank you so much again for your post. I'm very emotional about this so I don't know what to say.
But yea, good food is so important for the body and soul. Have you checked out the recipe thread?
Re the copying on the iPad: I just double tap the text that I wrote, 'select all', 'copy' and then press send. If i was logged out for some reason, I just log in again, go back to the thread, double tap the empty reply field and select 'paste'. Then the text is back. Maybe try it with a short text.
Thank you for sharing Phoenix. As Steely said, you really hit the nail "an offence to the air I breathe". I thought for the longest time I had absolutely no right to exist. I felt guilty just for being alive. No wonder I started with self destructive behaviour.
So many parts of your post I feel like I could've written. Dysfunctional family, being neglected, isolating, illness, not going to school, drinking instead, seeing myself as the cause to all problems around. If my life is bad I must be bad. Then other things (death in the family, losing my baby in early pregnancy, rape, robbery) happened and I completely gave up on ever being happy again. I thought I did just try to survive for as long as my parents are alive to not cause them too much sorrow. Alcohol and suppressing any feelings was my survival mechanism too.
My therapist said something very similar. That it was a good strategy as a toddler/ child/teenager to rationalise or blame oneself so you could still bond with your parents. If we would've seen it the way it was, being 'right' and 'good' ourselves but being in a bad and dysfunctional environment, blaming our parents, seeing them as 'bad' would've not allowed us to maintain an emotional relationship to them, which for a kid is unmanageable. So even feeling 'wrong' all that time was right in the end, cause that's what made us survive. Now we have to unlearn in though.
I am safe now. That's something that I still have problems with believing.
Thank you so much again for your post. I'm very emotional about this so I don't know what to say.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Portsmouth UK
Posts: 97
Greetings Fellow Travellers, Nobenders, classmates. Had some indigestion. Quite uncomfortable. Not had it for quite some time now. So what's that got to do with sobriety you may ask.
Well, my instant cure for indigestion was a teaspoonful of whisky. Killed it stone dead almost instantly.
Let me tell you...........Rennie's just don't cut it!!!!
Well, my instant cure for indigestion was a teaspoonful of whisky. Killed it stone dead almost instantly.
Let me tell you...........Rennie's just don't cut it!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Oregon
Posts: 275
Thank you, Phoenix, for sharing with us. This is a safe space! I love that about this group.
LLG, way to be strong around your sister. My sister is one of my biggest triggers, so I get it. Definitely let her know that this is a serious thing for you.
Steely, good to see your posts. Love the shopping trolley. I need one of those.
Kevlar, healthy food is on the menu for the week (finally!!!). Where is the recipe thread? I'm still not very good with navigating the forum.
Solly, I've noticed that my heartburn has almost completely gone away since quitting drinking. But, when I do have it, I have had to take OTC pills to make it go away.
Poppy, roasted chicken sounds great. Think I'll make one this weekend.
Hello to everyone else...Kimmy, Dee, Abriella, and everyone else I'm missing.
We're packing over the next week for our move. My partner is on spring break and will be a big help in getting things ready to go. She's also taking over cooking for the week to give me a break! It looks like we'll be eating healthier and no ice cream (we'll see how that goes...). This should be a good kick start to getting my eating back on track. I know that I feel better when I eat healthy. Just hard to do at this point when I'm still craving sugar.
LLG, way to be strong around your sister. My sister is one of my biggest triggers, so I get it. Definitely let her know that this is a serious thing for you.
Steely, good to see your posts. Love the shopping trolley. I need one of those.
Kevlar, healthy food is on the menu for the week (finally!!!). Where is the recipe thread? I'm still not very good with navigating the forum.
Solly, I've noticed that my heartburn has almost completely gone away since quitting drinking. But, when I do have it, I have had to take OTC pills to make it go away.
Poppy, roasted chicken sounds great. Think I'll make one this weekend.
Hello to everyone else...Kimmy, Dee, Abriella, and everyone else I'm missing.
We're packing over the next week for our move. My partner is on spring break and will be a big help in getting things ready to go. She's also taking over cooking for the week to give me a break! It looks like we'll be eating healthier and no ice cream (we'll see how that goes...). This should be a good kick start to getting my eating back on track. I know that I feel better when I eat healthy. Just hard to do at this point when I'm still craving sugar.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 354
She has me that I don't know if I'm coming or going. My head is all over the place. Constant texting and when she calls she is screaming at the top of her lungs at me. I have hung up on her a couple of times. My heart is racing and I'm shaking with anxiety.
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