samantha14

Wow - it's a ghost town in here. Just got home from breakfast with DH and planning a pretty quiet day. Maybe I will read one of the ten books that I have on my nightstand. No drinking for me today!!

Bobbieka

Birthday barbecue for my husband at my son's new house. A lot of family today. More Sophia. She is kind of addicting.

Hope everyone has a great Sunday! No drinking for me today.

CaseyW

Day 8. As Tony the Tiger would say, it's great!

Slept in this morning. It was wonderful.

Work this evening. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Have a great day everyone! Don't drink. It's the worst.

clearlyheaded

Hi Marchers. I had an interesting drinking dream last night. Instead of me being the one drinking, I was part of an intervention for another. I was frustrated, desperately trying to break through to the person to at least be open minded to sobriety and begin looking at the tools that are out there. Maybe it was my subconscious having a talk with itself. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me some of the work I have been doing is sinking in. IDK. It was interesting, though.

DD is having some friendship trouble. She is trying to establish boundaries with someone and is being made to feel bad about it. I encourage her to try and talk with this friend, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. Partly because DD is scared of confrontation, scared of hurting others' feelings for standing up for herself. She and I are a lot alike. I hope they can resolve this without too many tears, hurt feelings on either side.

Happy sober Sunday to everyone. Thanks for being you!!!

KiKi0615

Well.....once again, I broke my promise to myself and to all of you! DAY 1 AGAIN. See below for my post in the Newcomers forum. I just started a thread because I need HELP! I would rather not live at all than live like this for 1 more day.....

__________________________________________________ __________________
Hello,

I am reaching out because I am out of ideas and am hoping for some new ones. I had over 5 years of sobriety before relapsing 2 years ago. It is really hard for me to ask for help but I need it!

My drinking pattern is anywhere from 1 to 3 times per week BINGE style. I get upset about something or stressed and I buy beer, chug it and then go to a bar. The consequences pile up, I feel guilt shame and remorse, spend too much money, promise not to ever drink again and then something triggers me and the cycle is repeated. This has been going on for 2 years. The most sobriety I have been able to put together in 2 years is a little over 2 months. I have several 30 days stints, a ton of 7-10 days stints and then the wheels fall off again.

This cycle is killing me! I am losing faith in myself. I truly am and that is what scares me the most. I am giving up on myself. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The biggest thing that triggers me is an extremely toxic mother. She was severely abusive to me growing up so I have PTSD and she is so manipulative that she keeps inserting herself into my life and my kid's lives. She is crazy! The only thing I could do to keep her away from me is file a restraining order and that just isn't gonna happen. She would turn my entire family against me!

SOOOO.....Since I can't FORCE her to stay 100% out of my life I need more tools to handle her without pouring booze down my throat. Yesterday I went to visit my grandmother in the hospital and my mother showed up and started causing all kinds of drama (as usual) and said some mean things to me. I had no intention of drinking AT ALL yesterday but I was so upset by the way she treated me that I had a panic attack and drove straight home, bought beer and then went to a bar.

I feel horrible right now. So tired, nausea, head pounding, anxiety, self-hatred, no hope, depression, just complete and utter devastation of my self-worth. I hate myself.

I need help. I have a sponsor and keep swearing I will commit to going to 90 AA meetings in 90 days (because it worked in the past before my relapse) and then I don't go because I think I can handle it myself. Why can't I motivate myself to just go? Take action?

I don't know. I am a complete mess. I just want to be happy and get out of this hell.

Thanks in advance!

CaseyW

KiKi, I'm not sure exactly what advice to give you as far as dealing with your mom, but I do know that drinking is not the correct answer when your mom is mean to you or when other kids are mean to your son, etc. Sitting through those feelings is hard, but you sure as heck don't seem any happier today because of drinking. You can't control your mom or others. You can choose, as hard a choice as it is, to not take that first drink. Next time she pisses you off, drive to an AA meeting instead of to a bar.

I feel for you. Sorry I don't have any great wisdom to dispense. Keep venting away here. It's a much better option than drinking.

Bobbieka

Kiki, you can do this. You do the right thing 99% of the time. You need to close the gap. I don't know how, but you really need to stop letting your mom have that much control over your behavior. You can do it. Hugs.

KiKi0615

Thx Casey and Bobbie! I'll keep trying. Love you both!

Purplrks3647

Kiki try not to beat yourself up.....you came here and that is awesome! You told me before not to give up, right? Well, you better not give up either!

Purplrks3647

Hello friends.....SO glad to be here with you guys....my AV tried to sneak into my head after work today. There's a bar/restaurant next to the gym I was heading to....maybe I could go in for a drink after working out.... ~ Luckily another voice showed up later on and shouted HEY! Remember what happened last time you went to a bar? Remember who you ran into? Do you really want to risk that happening again??? ~ And to quote one of my favorite lines from a movie, Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment, : "I'd rather stick needles in my eyes!"

PhoenixJ

KK- I STRONGLY agree with what the other guys are saying. Bottom line- coping by drinking is pouring petrol on the fire. You know it will only make you feel worse. For your own sake and your family, you need not to drink when stressed. You will still get stressed- that it seems needs a lot of work. Your mum has control in your life because you think it is so. You give yourself permission to be the victim- thus a reason to drink. Go to AA- lots. Share here- lots. Work out ways how to deal with your mum or family and stay safe- so perhaps think- stay safe- don't drink or drive. HALTS. Call my sponsor. Go for a walk. Do not do anything when feeling really emotional- like email family. That is the way I think anyhows. Keep posting

Applekat

Thinking of you Kiki! You've gotten good advice!

Bobbie it must be cool to be a grandparent. Get the best parts of the cuties and let the parents take over. Haha. I bet Sophia is a doll.

Casey hope work is Grrrrreat!

LillianGish

Hi Kiki,
I don't have any huge words of advice. I had to distance myself from my own mother a few years before she passed away and I do know a little bit about how painful that is - on many levels. We grow up groomed and by biological instinct to look to our parents for love and acceptance. And when it isn't there....it is very difficult to know their dysfunction isn't our fault. Even when I logically knew this....to feel unloved by a mother is deeply and profoundly painful. Shame on her.

Not everyone has a wonderful mother. And no, we don't have to love them no matter what. And it's ok to tell them that. You know all this, but if it helps....I validate your feelings of how hard your path is in life.

Sounds like alcohol has stopped being the successful numbing of pain. What do you think your inner you is telling you now? Where do you go? Pain prompts us to change. If it weren't painful....we wouldn't change.

Listen carefully inside you. The answers are there in quiet moments....practice stillness and listen to the whispers of you. You are very smart. I think you'll find the answer very soon.

Very big hugs for you.

LillianGish

Bobbie, I just read your recent post to everyone ~ that was exceptionally lovely.

Thank you. You always know the right thing to say. Your family is very lucky.

KiKi0615

Thanks for that Purp! Yeah, I told myself this morning that if I want to get well I need to put my pride aside and just start being honest. I have had several slips during the past month and not telling anyone is the worst thing I can do. I am ready to be honest and accountable. I can't stay sober without honesty.

LillianGish

CH, I really do think that dreams help our brains working some stuff out.

I'm not sure what my brain was working out when I dreamt I went to work naked (is there anything worse than those anxiety dreams??!!)....but the mind is a mysterious playground, that's for certain.

KiKi0615

Sooooo glad you shut that AV down! I hate the AV! It's such a liar! Great job!

KiKi0615

Thanks so much for this Phoenix! You are so right. Drinking is like pouring gasoline on a fire. It NEVER makes things better. It's crazy how often and easily I forget that. Youre right, I really need to work on my stress management skills! Absolutely!

As hard as it is to hear, you are right....I need to take my power back from my mother once and for all! It will take ALOT of work and practice but it needs to happen! I am tired of giving her the power to continue to abuse me. She still abuses me emotionally and then I abuse MYSELF by drinking. F her! No more!

Love you friend.

KiKi0615

Thanks Apple. I hope you are doing well!

LillianGish

Hi everyone ~ it feels nice and safe to be back here. I just returned from Hawaii. Not a good story so I'll skip the gory details.

Dee, you recently asked me if I accepted that alcohol cannot be a part of my life.

The answer is now a definite yes.

It's taken me two days to dry out and feel like a person again.

But here I am, humbled again. Ready to face the world.