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Class of March 2016 part 36

Old 11-13-2016, 05:23 PM
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I barely started reading Rising Strong but I have a feeling it's gonna be a good one. The author (Brene Brown) talks about vulnerability; I'd like to share if you guys don't mind:

During a conversation with a reporter ~ "...he wanted to start working on his own issues related to vulnerability, courage, and authenticity."

Reporter: "It sounds like it could be a long road. Could you give me the upside of doing this work?"

Brown: "I believe that vulnerability - the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of outcome - is the only path to more love, belonging, and joy"

Reporter: "And the downside?"

Brown: "You're going to stumble, fall, and get your ass kicked"
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Old 11-13-2016, 05:27 PM
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So good to see you, Lillian!
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Old 11-13-2016, 05:34 PM
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Hi Kiki - welcome back

You've gotten a lot of good advice here and in the main thread.

To stay quit I had to really simplify things.

Nothing was worth me drinking again.
I had to take drinking off the table as a viable option.

Rather than me saying eff it (which really meant eff me) I had to learn that my well being was every bit as valuable as someone else's.

No matter what the problem was, no matter how many years I'd been carrying it around, if my only tool for dealing with that problem was drinking? I needed more tools.

I had people in my life who pushed my buttons too.

There's absolutely nothing I could do to make them change, but I went a long long way to changing the way I reacted to them.

If people make you angry, or make you feel less than, you can absolutely change that view with a little internal dialogue.

Even when you're angry on someone else's behalf like your son, you can absolutely learn to shut down that resentment anger and self destruct cycle.

The first step is not reaching for the easy remedy. Getting drunk solves nothing. The problem was always there when I sobered up.

Take drinking off the table as a viable option. It's not - nothing is worth destroying yourself for.

Find more tools - more support more ideas, more coping strategies

Don't just say I will...it's time to do. Take some action, and keep at it - this is a lifetime change.

some good starting points here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-respite.html

D
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Old 11-13-2016, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by LillianGish View Post
Hi Kiki,
I don't have any huge words of advice. I had to distance myself from my own mother a few years before she passed away and I do know a little bit about how painful that is - on many levels. We grow up groomed and by biological instinct to look to our parents for love and acceptance. And when it isn't there....it is very difficult to know their dysfunction isn't our fault. Even when I logically knew this....to feel unloved by a mother is deeply and profoundly painful. Shame on her.

Not everyone has a wonderful mother. And no, we don't have to love them no matter what. And it's ok to tell them that. You know all this, but if it helps....I validate your feelings of how hard your path is in life.

Sounds like alcohol has stopped being the successful numbing of pain. What do you think your inner you is telling you now? Where do you go? Pain prompts us to change. If it weren't painful....we wouldn't change.

Listen carefully inside you. The answers are there in quiet moments....practice stillness and listen to the whispers of you. You are very smart. I think you'll find the answer very soon.

Very big hugs for you.
Wow! Thank you so much for this! I really DID need some validation. It IS very painful and it's not fair. I am sorry that you had to experience the same pain with your mom. It sucks! And thanks for saying "I don't have to love them no matter what." I needed to hear that too. Sometimes I feel really guilty about hating my mother. It's crazy because of all the terrible things she has done and does.

I think my inner self is telling me to stop the madness. It is telling me to stop abusing myself. It is telling me to stop giving her power. It's telling me that I deserve to be happy. I need to listen. Thanks so much!
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Old 11-13-2016, 05:50 PM
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I'm really glad to hear that Lillian but I'm sorry you took a rough road like I did

D
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Old 11-13-2016, 05:51 PM
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Good to see you, Lillian. Hey, purple and Kiki and Dee. Hope everyone is having a good evening. Really hope you're better, Kiki.

Don't laugh, I'm putting up my Christmas tree. I just couldn't get there last year. Feeling like Christmas this year. I'm so grateful for sobriety.

Yeah, Applekat, grandparenting is just like you said. We got to leave when Sophia got crabby. She was fun and adorable while we were there.

CH, I also think we work through things in our dreams. Sounds like you're getting there. Lillian's, maybe your naked dream was telling you that you should be a nudist.

Talk to you all later.
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Old 11-13-2016, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Kiki - welcome back

You've gotten a lot of good advice here and in the main thread.

To stay quit I had to really simplify things.

Nothing was worth me drinking again.
I had to take drinking off the table as a viable option.

Rather than me saying eff it (which really meant eff me) I had to learn that my well being was every bit as valuable as someone else's.

No matter what the problem was, no matter how many years I'd been carrying it around, if my only tool for dealing with that problem was drinking? I needed more tools.

I had people in my life who pushed my buttons too.

There's absolutely nothing I could do to make them change, but I went a long long way to changing the way I reacted to them.

If people make you angry, or make you feel less than, you can absolutely change that view with a little internal dialogue.

Even when you're angry on someone else's behalf like your son, you can absolutely learn to shut down that resentment anger and self destruct cycle.

The first step is not reaching for the easy remedy. Getting drunk solves nothing. The problem was always there when I sobered up.

Take drinking off the table as a viable option. It's not - nothing is worth destroying yourself for.

Find more tools - more support more ideas, more coping strategies

Don't just say I will...it's time to do. Take some action, and keep at it - this is a lifetime change.

some good starting points here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-respite.html

D
Thank you Dee! Has anyone ever told you how amazing you are?

I ABSOLUTELY need more tools! I can't wait to read the link you sent me. Maybe I can pick up a few new ones there. I am gonna make sobriety my #1 priority again! It HAS to be. Love you!
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Old 11-13-2016, 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Bobbieka View Post
Good to see you, Lillian. Hey, purple and Kiki and Dee. Hope everyone is having a good evening. Really hope you're better, Kiki.

Don't laugh, I'm putting up my Christmas tree. I just couldn't get there last year. Feeling like Christmas this year. I'm so grateful for sobriety.

Yeah, Applekat, grandparenting is just like you said. We got to leave when Sophia got crabby. She was fun and adorable while we were there.

CH, I also think we work through things in our dreams. Sounds like you're getting there. Lillian's, maybe your naked dream was telling you that you should be a nudist.

Talk to you all later.
Thanks Bobbie. Yes, I am starting to feel a little better. It takes a few days for me to feel "normal" again. Whatever normal is....

That's fun that you are putting your Christmas tree up already. Hey...Why not? It just seems like it should only be JULY! Time has flown!

Does anyone think that time goes faster when you are drinking, thinking about drinking or hungover? These last few years since my relapse have gone by in the blink of an eye! Too many wasted days! I don't want anymore wasted days....

Love you!
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Old 11-13-2016, 05:59 PM
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By the way DEE....what was your turning point for quitting? What was that moment when you said "I am DONE" and you quit? Just curious.....
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Old 11-13-2016, 06:11 PM
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I just realized it has been 1 year since I joined SR! Crazy and I am STILL struggling! Ugh.
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Old 11-13-2016, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by KiKi0615 View Post
I just realized it has been 1 year since I joined SR! Crazy and I am STILL struggling! Ugh.
You aren't alone on that score, Kiki. Perhaps we need to learn more, or haven't learned enough. We know better but don't take enough action. My hope is that you, me, and anyone here and in the larger SR community that's struggling gets there. But, we can only handle ourselves and good gravy, I'm trying, failing repeatedly, but still working to the day when relapse is no longer part of my vocabulary.
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Old 11-13-2016, 07:24 PM
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My turning point was pretty extreme - it was stop drinking or die. I don't want anyone here to follow me in that regard, Kiki.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-one.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

From this side of the fence I see I could have made that same acceptance decision - accepting I could never drink again - without the crash and burn, twisted wreckage accompaniment.

D
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Old 11-13-2016, 08:02 PM
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I've read Dee's story many times Kiki. We need to stop before that wall hits us. His story is both one of redemption as a guiding light, but a cautionary one (sorry Dee if I'm projecting). But I really believe we can learn so much from what he tries to teach us, to get out of our own way at times, but also to not go down to the depths that this disease can take us. I am a less than good work in progress. But I'll be dead before I give up, and I plan on living for quite a while longer, as do you. Ditching the booze is the first key component in that. You've done it before, you can do it again. I haven't, but I can do it a first time and worry about anything else later.

That diatribe aside, I wanted to share some lyrics. It's apparently 27 years since the album came out, but the title track always struck me. It struck me well before I had a problem. Is it necessarily about addiction, I don't know. I don't care. It does speak to me about my addiction and I think that's what matters. Not everyone's type of music, but Faith No More and The Real Thing (I cheated and copied these lyrics and a few seem slightly off, but whatever):

I know the feeling
It is the real thing
The essence of the truth

The perfect moment
That golden moment
I know you feel it too

I know the feeling
It is the real thing
You can't refuse the embrace...

NO!

It's like the pattern below the skin
You gotta reach out and pull it all in
And you feel like you're too close
So you swallow another dose

The pinnacle of happiness
Filling up your soul
You don't think you can take any more
You never wanna let go

Cause it's the root of experience
The most basic ingredients
To see the unseen glitter of life
And feel the dirt, grief, anger and strife

Cherish the certainly of now
It kills you a bit at a time
Cradle the inspiration
It will leave you writhing on the floor...

This is so unreal,
What I feel,
This nourishment,
Life is bent,
In to a shape,
I can hold,
A twist of fate,
All my own,
Just grit your teeth,
And make no sound,
Take a step away
And look around,
Just clench your fist,
And close your eyes,
Look deep inside,
Hypnotize,
The whisper is,
But a shout,
That's what it is,
All about,
Yes, the ecstasy,
You can pray,
You will never let,
It slip away,

Like the sacred song that someone sings through you
Like the flesh so warm that the thorn sticks into
Like the dream you know one day will come to life
Try to hold on just a little longer, longer, stronger

It's the jewel of victory
The chasm of misery
And once you have bitten the core
You will always know the flavor

The split second of divinity
You drink up the sky
All of heaven is in your arms
You know the reason why

Well, it's right there, all by itself
And what you are, there is nothing else
You're growing a life within a life
The lips of wonder kiss you inside
And when it's over the feeling remains
It all comes down to this
The smoke clears, I see what it is
That made me feel this way...

I know the feeling
It is the real thing
The essence of the soul

The perfect moment
That golden moment
I know you feel it too

I know the feeling
It is the real thing
You can't refuse the embrace...

This is so unreal,
What I feel,
Flood, sell your soul,
Feel the blood,
Pump through your veins,
Can't explain,
The element that's everything,
Just clench your fist,
And close your eyes,
Look deep inside,
hypnotize
Yes, the ecstasy,
You can pray
You will never let it slip away
Yes, the ecstasy,
You can pray,
You will never let it slip away
You will never let it slip away
You will never let it slip away

Like the echoes of your childhood laughter, ever after
Like the first time love urged you to take it's guidance, in silence
Like your heartbeat when you realize you're dying, but you're trying
Like the way you cry for a happy ending, ending...

I know the feeling
It is the real thing
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Old 11-13-2016, 11:03 PM
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Comfortably Numb by P Floyd describes how I USED to feel. Thanks for the above 13th. PJ
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Old 11-13-2016, 11:33 PM
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I drank. That sounds so simple....but it is not of course. I feel anxious and shaky......I want this to end. I want to figure this out. Day one.
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Old 11-13-2016, 11:58 PM
  # 76 (permalink)  
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Welcome back Sam. Like I said to Kiki you need to that that drinking off the table - none..no matter what

D
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Old 11-14-2016, 12:17 AM
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Okay....me again....doing some good old fashioned soul searching at 3am......sorry in advance....

I don't think I take my recovery seriously....I want to but I haven't been "forced" to. In fact things in my life are going really well......I am excelling in my relationships, my job....so what if I drink?? And it's that thinking that lands me right back here.....anxious, panicky.....

I know the right things to say and the right things to do but why can't I put them into action like the good examples set here? What do I need to happen to really have this sink in? I want to give myself a good shake and make this stop. I want more than drinking myself to sleep. I want a life that is enjoyable to be a part of. I want to stop faking it. I want to be happy.

Well that's it for the soul searching I guess....nothing really gained from it....just more questions without answers.....meh
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Old 11-14-2016, 01:07 AM
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You'll never regret not tackling this now before the crash and burn, which is pretty inevitable.

I'd look at it this way - if life is still great in many ways,. how much greater would it be if you were free to embrace it with all your energy?

D
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Old 11-14-2016, 01:10 AM
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Thanks Dee. Crashing and burning is definately not on my to-do list.

Feeling pretty crappy righty now. If I could bottle this I would never drink again. Going to journal about it before I forget.
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Old 11-14-2016, 01:12 AM
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S14- I find the answers I get to my questions rarely make me feel any better. Philosophical types tell me 'perhaps it is because you are asking the wrong questions.' Perhaps- never know unless I ask. Besides no question is wrong . As grover on S/Street said 'if you don't ask a question- how can you get an answer?' For me it is like getting lost in a car on my way somewhere. I finally work out where I want to be- because I have been down all the streets where I thought I should be and worked it out by a process of elimination. No question asked is stupid. Ever. PJ
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