Caramel

Thanks Julia

bexxed

I'm gonna forget people and it's not personal.

Cwood
Kgirl
Mr.P
Jodc
Sweetichick
Zanna
Julia
Caramel
FGO
SSG
NT
Bexxed
Tate
Elicia
Elle?
CajunPrincess! (Sorry, I edited you in)
Ooona! (Also edited in, apologies)
Treebeard!

Who am I forgetting? This is off the top of my head.

bexxed

Hi everyone, I'm glad to see you and really admire the people who come back from slipping.

I'm popping in quickly to say goodnight. I have an early flight home. Tonight the big "boss" took us to dinner and I had a really good time. Also wasn't the only one not drinking which was nice. What was nicer was that it wasn't even something obvious, the boss doesn't seem to care whether you drink or not. I wasn't uncomfortable at all. He hugged me goodbye and told me I did a really good job. It felt really good.

My bags are packed, I'm checked into my flight, coffee is made for the morning, going to catch a few hours of z's and head home. 48 days of gratitude, one day at a time.

xoxo

B

Caramel

Happy trails, bexxed

CajunPrincess

Just wanted to say goodnight... I'm in a really low place mentally/emotionally tonight. I don't want to drink and I know I am not going to, but i just wanted to throw that out there.
Love you all

Caramel

Have felt blue myself the past couple of days, CajunPrincess - let's hope for a brighter day tomorrow.

Snarly

Hi Cajun Princess and Caramel,

Thanks for helping me out last couple of nights.

I'm up....what's going on?

Snarly

Dee74

Welcome back sweetichick

D

CajunPrincess

Caramel - Yes, hopefully tomorrow will be better. It's 130 AM here... so definitely not making coffee! I've slept a lot today so am not tired at all... might make some tea instead.

Zanna

Morning everyone. Still very windy here but hopefully I'll get more of an internet connection, than last night. I live right on top of a steep hill, here in the National Park and though the views are lovely, the wind whistling UP the valley, can be a little tiresome. Wouldn't swap though.
Have a great day, evening, afternoon, wherever you are

Z x

Elicia08

Thanks, bexxed, for starting this. I am up super early and had some time so I went back to the beginning of part 5 to update our list. (I gotta get a job soon. I have too much time on my hands...)

So here it is. As of today the following people have posted on the A-team thread (part 5):

AJJ510127
bexxed
CajunPrincess
Caramel
Chanciluv
CountryGal
cwood
Dee
Elicia
Elle
FCB45
finallygotout
Findec
jodc
Julia
Kgirl
lovehoops
MidnightRider
Mklove
MrPL
Neverthought
Ooona
Quincy
sadsadgirl
snarly
StartingOverNw
Sweetichick
tate9685
Treebeard
Zanna

That should be everyone!

Elicia08

Just posted an updated list and I am so proud of each and every one of you--especially those who have slipped and come back. It is so easy to get sucked back in to old habits. Especially when the consequences aren't too great. As you know, I drank when I went home last weekend. I didn't even really try to put up any defenses. I'm certain now that drinking was my intention from the moment I decided I was going to go. When I was composing the list I saw a post from before I left that said I was planning to hook up with some of my old AA friends so I could stay sober. That was a bold-faced lie. I entertained the idea of hooking up with them for about 30 seconds and I said it on here because I thought it sounded good and that it was what you all would want to hear. So stupid. Like I said though, it is what it is. I can't change it now. I can only move forward.

There is so much more I want to say but my thoughts are all jumbled so I apologize in advance. I know you all understand... I'm not drinking but I feel like I'm kind of in a holding pattern. As I mentioned, I really need to get a job but I don't know what I want to do. I really messed up my career. I was a teacher. I have always been a teacher, but I made a series of mistakes this past year that have made me question everything about who I am and what I want to be. I don't know if I can ever make up for those mistakes or get back what I once had. I love working with children. And for the most part, I think I'm pretty good at it--most of the time. (who is perfect all the time anyway...?) I have lied to myself and to most everyone around me that drinking didn't have an effect on my job. It most certainly did. Even though I made it to work every day and didn't drink while I was there, alcohol was always on my mind. And I was hungover and sleep-deprived most of the time. That was SO not fair to my kiddos. So what do I do now?

I was sober over 4 years a while back. Was very much into AA. Had a sponsor and worked the steps. Perfectionism set in and when I got to the point where I felt like I wasn't doing it all perfectly I started to give up. I kept going to meetings, didn't drink, talked to people, but I was just going through the motions. Eventually I started smoking pot again. I thought I had found the answer. I could just smoke and not drink and life would be grand. It worked for a while. Then I moved out of state and lost touch with AA. I said I didn't find a group here I really identified with but the truth is I didn't even try.

I've always felt like I had trouble fitting in. Even here on SR I feel that way sometimes. When I first started drinking in my teens I thought I had found the answer. I finally found a way to fit in. The same thing happened when I moved here. I was so lonely. I had my family, work, and that was about it--until I started drinking again. All of a sudden I was meeting people, going to parties, having fun, and I had a life! It wasn't perfect and I drank too much from the get-go, but I wasn't so lonely anymore. I know I'm not alone in this feeling--like you can't be yourself and that people don't like you unless you are drinking. How do we get past it? My boyfriend has been wonderful in this respect. He drinks, but he's not an alcoholic. He can drink a lot and just stop. Or just have one or two beers and stop. And he has been so supportive and wonderful through all of this. He has helped me to see that I am loveable and that I can love others and have fun without alcohol being part of the equation. I am so very grateful for that.

Anyway--I need more coffee and I need to contemplate some more. For today, I am not going to drink booze. If nothing else, alcohol clouds my ability to think and move forward and I need to move forward. Gotta get myself unstuck....

Thanks for listening, y'all. Love and hugs--
Eli

Julia8

Elicia - thank you so much for sharing and your honesty. it is truly helpful to us. I too feel like I don't fit in a lot of the time. I think people would be surprised to hear me say that.

CajunPrincess - I hope you feel better today. Let us know how youre doing.

Bexxed - glad youre getting home and had a nice dinner. your strength through these trips is so inspiring!

Love to the A-team!

-J

Elicia08

I missed this earlier. Thinking of you, sweeti... Keep posting!

Elicia08

I think people are surprised to hear me say that too. I've had people say to me, "I wish I had your confidence!" I always think to myself, "Wow! I am a really good actress. I must've missed my calling!!" Lol.

Zanna

You should go back to teaching - you're a natural Failing that, become an Author - I really enjoy reading your posts x

Elicia08

You are so sweet. Unfortunately I may have messed up so bad that going back to teaching isn't really an option. Who knows what the future holds though!!

Neverthought

I think this is a fair assessment, Bexxed. Keeping track gets challenging around this period.

1. There are absolutely members that here for moderation. I've read it a lot over the years, e.g. "I can't imagine never drinking again". Of course, that's an individuals prerogative. That usually leads to drinking again, IMH.
2. Some, to get their feet wet, to see what they are capable of.
3. Some, that are not regulars and do not post daily, but they pop in now and then and write that they are at day 120, for example. They are hard to keep track of, but truly inspirational!
4. And like I've done in the past, getting blind-sided and a feeling of failure (that's my phrase, not judging ), followed by the disappearing act, so to speak. Essentially, that's the grey area, where we really don't know what we are up against and what is lurking around the corner.

Segway.........Super job gang!

I'm at 45 days today. I told my wife while having dinner before the Elton John show that I'm done drinking for good. She said "oh great", now I'll feel guilty. I told her, don't you worry. I'm solid as rock right now! I know I'll need her support though, somewhere down the line.

Frankly, I've already been to the store to get her wine. I bought her a bottle a month ago and it's still in the fridge. Look, I've been at this long enough to know my triggers and that is not one of them.

Mine are, anger and frustration, but on the other side of the spectrum, trying to make something like cutting the grass or cleaning more fun. It's tough as it is, yet having to harness two completely different thought processes. Furthermore, I was a homestead drinker. I can easily go out for lunch with my peers while they have a few beers. I know my demons, to say the least!

On the contrary, It couldn't be a tougher time in the household either this year. My wife is having a tough year teaching this year and my son is in 3rd grade with expectations through the roof. There have been a few instances, where the 3 of us where at each other. There was a lot of yelling with emotions overflowing, along with my heart-beating out of my chest and pulse racing.

I'll take a few deep breaths and go out to the garage and continue the re-org task and calm down. I'll cool down and head back in the house and tell everyone to relax, let's work together and that we all support each other. There's been a huge difference with that approach over the past 2 weeks. The tide is turning.

Wifey used to think that drinking calmed me and I was more fun. She didn't see what was happening inside me and the real inconstancies that I was super at hiding. It would blow her mind if I got into the details.

Anyway, great reading material from all of you!

Piece-Out!....You're all Champs!

Quincy

Good morning A-Team. I'm still here. I'm very grateful to be in my sixth week of sobriety. Thank you in a big part to you and SR as a whole getting me past the first few weeks.

I feel good, but not as good as weeks 3-4. I think it's because the new car smell is starting to wear off, but I'm not planning on trading it in. I like the way this one drives a whole lot better than the old one and it gets a lot better mileage.

I too have found people who weren't around me on the weekends or nights when I was drinking are quite surprised that I had a drinking problem. I should have won Academy Award.

Glad to hear everyone is still marching along towards their goals at their own pace. It's probably good to keep in mind that the route we take is not as important as the destination.

Have a good day, afternoon, evening depending on where you are.

MrPL

Hey A-team!

A lot of good posts here, nice to see everyone opening up and trying to understand the inner workings of our problem.

In my humble opinion I think the answer to everything is the same: it's all in our heads. I am not saying real problems don't exist, they do. We lose jobs, mess up relationships, we argue, get ill, people die, and a lot of the time we have little or no control over it. But what we do have is complete and utter control over how we deal with each and every single one of these situations. We don't have control over how we feel about them, but we do have control over how we react to those feelings. It may not always be easy to exercise this control, but nonetheless we have it.

So, regardless of the trigger, once we put in or minds that absolutely nothing can lead us to drinking or getting high, that means we won. It is then a matter of constantly reminding ourselves of that (and that's where I think the recovery plan comes in and SR come in, they remind us we are in control).

Glad to see everyone determined to take control! Let's do it!

Mr P