Duffster

I so agree - there is so much wisdom here.

Babs1234

I'm sorry too Sass--my daughter keeps me at arms length also and comes around on her terms. I know that she cares as your daughter does also. Hang in there . I will be thinking about you.
Babs

trachemys

Reality dropped in on me today. I have my licensing schedule and my office start date.

I'm going to start a whole new career at 57.

Some would ask, "Am I insane?" No, insane was the life I lived before now. The life of working to drink.

I have a whole lot of catching up to do. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop working. At least I'll be where I can fish anytime.

Gilmer

Exhilarating!

(((Trach)))

trachemys

SCARY!!!!!

lol

Saskia

Thanks, Babs!

Trachy, we all get scared when facing new things. Settling into sober just gets better.

wehav2day

Dd, great post. You have come such a very long way, I'm proud to call you sober friend. You and your fiancée will make super parents, whatever way that happens. My nephew was adopted from Guatemala. I'm so very grateful for the bond he and I have. We are so lucky to have him, Josue has been the light of our lives for almost 16 years now. Give love, be love. Whatever happens and however it happens will be a huge blessing.

Sass I'm sorry about your daughter, I have faith that she'll talk to you when she is ready.

Gilmer, hope things are going well!

Babs I hope you haven't had any more plumbing disasters.

Trachy wow congrats on the new career!! You'll be awesome. Insurance industry needs more standup guys like you.

Duff, I hope you don't sweat that fight too much. Your boys will be fine. You'll navigate your way through this, and they will see happy mom and happy dad again. They need to see that things can and will get better. I really think it's the process and love that matters the most. They will look to you and your stbx as models in their relationships. If they see that things sometimes don't work, people aren't perfect, sometimes they aren't always nice to each other that really is ok. I think what really matters is that they see the two of you get through this with as much mutual respect as possible. Learning to disagree respectfully is every bit as important as agreeing.

If it's any consolation, j and I didn't do any pre marriage counseling. Not many churches would do it for "people like us." We had a fantastic pasted we got to skype with a couple of times though, and he was amazing. Just seeing a person who was rooting for us but didn't expect us to be perfect or have it all " figured out" was soothing and helpful in itself. I often need a reminder that just because I've gotten to a certain point in life, it by no means I necessarily have it all figured out. And that's ok.

Hmmm that was all very stream o consciousness, hope I didn't wander too much. But it was helpful to me. So thanks for putting up with it!

Budd, toots, north, marcher I miss marcher.... I hope you are all having a good one!

Saskia

Hi We! "...just because I've gotten to a certain point in life, it by no means I necessarily have it all figured out. And that's ok." That's a great perspective!

Hi all!

Gilmer

Happy 3 1/2 year anniversary, Toots!

Babs1234

hi everyone ! Have a hair appt. and then a AA meeting today and plan on cleaning out some of the garden. How is everyone doing? I'm going through those up and down moods and I do expect them but, I seem to handle them better this time .
Hope everyone is doing well.
Babs

tootsl1

Thank you Gilmer!

Great post We.

I think we have to remember to show each other respect in relationships. The saying 'familiarity breeds contempt is so true, we are quite often far more capable of being nasty to those in our close circle than we would dream of being with a stranger. If our children see us showing respect for each other, even in our disagreements, they are learning a positive way to deal with life's interactions.

tootsl1

Forgot to say.. WTG Trachy! X

Duffster

So true. So reading everyone's words here and after hearing an amazing sermon at church I apologized to STBEX in front of the kids for losing my temper and saying not nice things. I hate the words we said but I was seeing red ... after agreeing that we were going to proceed with pre-suit settlement he went behind my back and filed (grrr......). As much as I'm trying to work on my self control I really couldn't hold back on that one.

Duffster

And congrats on 3 1/2 Toots!! Simply amazing...

Saskia

Duff, strictly IMHO (!), I would guess that it's rare when a relationship ends for all to go as smoothly as we'd like. Sometimes we change our minds after thinking things through and that can peel off the veneer. I don't personally feel that children need to see a picture that's all sweetness and light. What is important is for them to realize that they are able to have access to quality time with each parent without feeling any guilt.

wehav2day

Toooooooots!!! Super congrats on 3.5 years!! Wooohoo!!

Duff, I don't speak legal but it sounds like he made an ******* move... No wonder you went off. But yeah, probably best to chalk crap like that up to "yep. I definitely want this divorce!" And move on as best you can. The best last thing you can do as a married couple is divorce well. Of course that takes him being on board for that...

digdug

We - we're not doing pre-marital counseling through a church. My mom is a psychologist and I've been in and out of therapy since I was a teenager. At this point, I will only see someone with a doctorate in psychology. Not that a minister can't give good relationship advice, but we both wanted someone who had real training. We found a great therapist who actually specializes in interracial relationships (I am white and she is black), and all the added stuff that goes along with that from a cultural perspective. We both love him and learn so much from each visit. I think we're just going to keep going until we feel like we're not getting much out of it. I know a couple who started doing couples therapy before they got married. They've been married for several years but still go once a month to get a third-party perspective on stuff.

I still hate that there's a stigma to therapy. Just because you see someone doesn't mean things are damaged or broken. I see it as we both have the desire to continually improve our relationship.

I'm off to Dallas tomorrow for the day for work. Then I'm going to try and take Friday and Monday off. I actually got a call from one of the head partners in NYC today and he said that he looked at my numbers and I need to start taking days off. This is coming from an old school guy who puts work ahead of everything else. He said, and I quote, "I don't care if you sit at home and watch Ellen, you have to take your vacation. We can't afford to have you get burned out or sick, especially if you want to be promoted next year." I don't have to be told twice so I will stay at home and hang out. I don't have the money to do anything fancy because of the wedding, but I do need a break.

Gilmer

That's great, DigDug!

When exactly is the wedding?

Saskia

DD, happy to hear you are taking a much-needed break! I agree on the counselor thing. The stigma has lessened a great deal - I've seen therapists off and on for a little over 50 years and that has helped me to live a much happier life.

Hi Gilmer I see we're both either up late or up early as the case may be.

Gilmer

I was up early, then went back to sleep, and now am awake again.