Anna

SP, I think you have been on an emotional roller-coaster as you prepared for this surgery, worked through the pain and difficulties related to the surgery and recognize that your partner is not at all helpful or caring. I think it's understandable that you have reached a valley, a low-point. Now is the time to rest, to get strong physically and emotionally and to think about decisions regarding the rest of your life.

Dee74

I agree with Anna - I think it must very normal to feel low after the last few weeks you've had both before and after the Op.

Take good care of yourself now...I'm sure that better times are ahead - and I think you're smart enough to know that too

D

Soberpotamus

Thank you, all. I am at what I hope is the lowest point. I certainly don't want to feel any lower.

Last night, I watched three movies and bawled my eyes out. I let the tears flow. It was cathartic. Washed my face with cold water, and went to bed.

This morning, I made my breakfast. I sat outside on the porch in the sun. It was 70F high today. Katie and Lucy were with me outside.

Then I cleaned and washed laundry. I asked my husband to vacuum the bedroom after he finished the other part of the house. He did, without much complaint. He did this only because I was making my own food and cleaning. He never seemed to understand I was unable, not unwilling, to do these before.

I grabbed all his dirt laundry hanging over the end of the bed rail and flung it hard across the room into a pile. I told him to never again put his laundry there. It's over. He has his own extra room, there's room for his crap in there.

I told him he won't be sleeping with me anymore. He can sleep elsewhere.

And I told him he'd better consider just how fast I'll divorce his a** if he continues to make fun of the way I'm talking now with my numb lip. I said he has no idea how willing I am to do it, and to never look back.

I gave myself a facial today, using some really nice skincare products I'd stopped using after the surgery.

Sprayed the clean bed linens with rose water spray.

Drank two cups of chai, and ate Haagen Dazs coffee ice-cream.

trachemys

Now THAT is self-care.

Anna

Awesome!

GroundhogDay

Yes!

Steely

Excellent - If I know the story so far. I think you asked somewhere about him maybe being psychopathic? I lived with a sociopath /psychopath for about 5 years but he also had bi-polar none of which I knew from the start. Compelling and charming one moment then complete ******** the next, and it all hinged on his whim, mental illness whatever, no way. It's when you mentioned his dead eyes, no empathy, fake face look that I remembered him and that's exactly how it was when I looked into this guys eyes. It was scary. Lizard Brain/Eyes? There is some psychological tag attached to it I've looked it up and it's really interesting so long as you don't live with one. Hope you are getting better and I realise it was big surgery. Jaw realignment is big. You seem to be getting better all the time, you can't ask for more. You can figure out all the bloke stuff later. Just get well and stay sober. Your recipes looked yummy.

Steely

It's called the Reptillian Stare. Eek!

Soberpotamus

I'm just not sure about that, Steely. He has shown genuine emotion at times, and he isn't all that charming or charismatic. I'm easily able to be steps ahead of him mentally. He seems extremely cold, manipulative at times, and emotionally abusive at times. The times he shows emotion seem to be when he is being self-centered. He seems narcissistic.

It's likely he isn't pathological and I'm just able to identify these traits, as I studied psych in school, so.

It's just hard to get past a person abandoning his spouse in her time of greatest need. He was cold and callous to me. I was no longer able to benefit him, so he abandoned me. That part seems psychopathic because it's as if I didn't exist to him when I no longer served a purpose.

He does have his smile perfected. He is able to smile and most times it looks genuine, but I know to look for the eyes smiling, and I can see he is relaxing his eyes to match the smile. I watch them until he quits smiling and I see it go straight to dead eyes again.

Soberpotamus

I ate more today than I've eaten since the surgery. I finally felt like eating something good. I'd been hungry and eating to survive and recover, but I think today I regained my desire to eat something tasty. That's a good sign I think.

I rough blended tortilla soup. Delicious. I'll be having more of it tomorrow.

I also ate coffee, sea salt caramel, and peach ice-cream. All three.

Brian made sure today to buy what I asked for. I'm not sure why he did this. I'm thinking he is being nicer only because I'm "better," which makes no sense. Unless it's because he was so extremely uncomfortable or bothered that I wasn't myself for nearly three weeks.

I am really tired of trying to figure out why he did what he did. The bottom line is he wasn't there for me, I felt unsafe, and I felt unloved. I don't know how to deal with that.

It's unacceptable. I don't know how to get past it without divorcing and moving on.

This is very similar to what Tom did when my mom died. I told him it was a deal breaker and that it was time for him to move out.

However, this is worse. And there have been chronic problems. Brian is much harder to live with.

I guess I have to ask myself if this is behavior I'm willing to live with or not.

Steely

Yes, there is a reluctance to label anyone psychopathic and rightly so, it's pretty heavy. I don't know that the bloke I was describing was a true psychopath but he certainly showed a lot of the traits, narcissism, lacked empathy etc. and would change at the drop of a hat. When I look back I can't believe that I remained for as long as I did, I couldn't cope with the behaviour. Maybe your bloke is just like a lot of men, and does not know how to cope when their partner is ill. Was he like this before you had the surgery? I really don't know the story properly so can't comment or stick my bib in outside of knowing that it was (his) behaviour that had me ask/tell him to leave. You are sounding heaps better by the day and your menu the same. Thought I might incorporate some of your dishes into my own diet. They sound healthy and I am wanting to put on weight but find it hard (currently) to face standard fare. Keep getting well.

Soberpotamus

Yes, he wasn't able to empathize much at all before the surgery. He would attempt to display facial expressions and use tone of voice but it was mostly manufactured.

I mean, there are people who aren't empathetic for various reasons.

And then this is very similar to what I've seen from his parents. They are people I'd rather not spend time with. Just very hard to put up with. The father is cold, mother is insufferably self-centered.

I'm not surprised he was unable to be empathetic and caring, but to the degree he was, that was surprising. I thought he'd have tried harder to make sure to give me medicine on time, make sure I ate, at least. He was verbally abusive a couple of times, but I think this was because of Tom's presence as well. He also couldn't understand I was not lucid and coherent due to the narcotics. He thought I was fine; I wasn't fine. I couldn't keep up with time at all, couldn't follow meds schedule. I wasn't thinking straight at all. That was why I needed help.

He interpreted Tom helping as an attack or threat to his pride. He didn't make the connection that Tom was helping because I needed help, and Brian was failing to help.

MidnightBlue

Hi, SP.

I am pretty much depressed these days, so not good at encouraging.

Just wanted to give you a big virtual hug and say that I love your self-care thing - facials and rose water.

Empathy.

My ex wasn't good at this either. And he signaled sometimes absolutely different emotional messages, so at some moment I got lost and decided it's better not to expect any and rely on myself. Because I really don't get messages like not being able to hold his tongue and "needling" me with smartarse comments right on the night after my mother funerals.

I understand your need for empathy, SP, especially now, after this emotionally and physically taxating surgery. But focus on giving yourself as much empathy as you can , not putting your emotional well-being in other person's hands. You deserve care, good rest, positive emotions, smiles and delicious food. And all who think otherwise can go and eff themselves . Or try to move forward in their life for a change.

Take care.

Soberpotamus

Thanks, MB.

I'm sorry you're depressed lately. Sending you hugs and positive vibes.

So your ex was nasty after your mom died too? Yeah, I just don't get it. People do and say unbelievable things in times of crisis.

I hope you feel better soon.

Xoxo

SoberLeigh

((((Sweet Potamus))))

Soberpotamus

My Garmin stats are showing I'm getting some brief periods of deep sleep, lots of light sleep, and several awakenings. I'm thankful to see the dark blue deep sleep bars. Was concerned that I wasn't sleeping well.

I went to bed very late and woke too soon today so I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I see a nap in the near future.

I ate red velvet cake flavored Greek yogurt for breakfast. Interesting.

I have lemon meringue, toasted coconut, and pomegranate yogurts in the fridge for later.

Will have tortilla soup again for lunch or dinner.

And Haagen Dazs coffee ice-cream with chai for dessert. Hard to beat it. Yum yum.

I'm really wanting to order Elizabeth Strout's new book, My Name is Lucy Barton.

MidnightBlue

((Thanks, SP))

Steely

Hi SP
I know that I could not live with a non empathic narcissist simply because I have and it was awful. Also relate to MidnightBlue when she (hi MB) talks about the "needling" or the pushing of buttons just to incite some sort of reaction. Boy, am I glad to be out of that fairy tale (Grimm's ie) and it took me some time to recover. As an empathic person (I trust) I kept finding ways to forgive and find reason but in the end it became impossible and really effecting my already low self-esteem. I don't want to pre-emp the bloke because I do not know him and that would not be fair. I reckon MidnightBlue is right - "sisters' are doin' it for themselves". You are recovering at the moment and need a hug, but sometimes it just don't come. (((SP))). Blokes are crap lol at empathy in the most part, narcissistic or not, and I know that there are lots of good men wandering this planet. Sorta hard wired or something lol. Nurture yourself and keep getting better. When he laughed at the way you spoke when your lip was numb was he being cruel, or just mucking around? If cruel he's a dick. Don't want to concentrate on him too much would like to know how your recovery is going? Where are you up to with the realignment? When can we expect that "ring of confidence?" Keep getting better SP and look after self first. To expect or do otherwise is .

Soberpotamus

So I went to bed in pain again last night, took a tiny amount of pain meds which helped me fall asleep, and when I woke this morning, I now seem to have more range of motion in my mouth. Barely, but I can tell a difference. Every millimeter helps because I can reach the back teeth better.

It's scary at night -- I don't know what kind of pain to expect, nor where. Several weird sensations going on and sometimes simultaneously. This is the weirdest thing ever.

Maybe all this crazy pain, pins and needles, aches, and burning sensations mean I am healing back to normal.

Soberpotamus

Oh I have the confidence already, Steely.

The realignment is great. He did an excellent job from what I can see in the X-rays. Tom went with me to the appointment. He was amazed. He didn't understand for so long why I wanted this done until that moment, when he saw before and after. He now undestands how bad my bite was, and the extent of the problem, and what it would've done to my teeth eventually. He saw why insurance didn't categorize this as cosmetic, but as functional.

I like the cosmetic changes and they are what I expected. It isn't that obvious. It's subtle. But my profile is now "right." It's finally in balance. It looks good.