saoutchik

Hi Jen, you are being tremendously brave. All this would be a lot easier to bear if you didn't have all the other crap to put up with.

I never know quite what to say Jen as I find your husbands behaviour inexplicable. I'm a guy and usually I can get some kind of feel of where another guy is coming from but not in Brians case

Ending on a positive note, the surgery seems to have gone well, the pain is less frequent and it's good that you are healing

All the best

Soberpotamus

Thanks, Sao.

It makes me wonder if I'm not adequately or accurately conveying what's going on. That's definitely a possibility, since you are only hearing my side of the story.

But who has to call their ex because they're afraid their husband isn't going to take care of them?

Before I left the hospital I was given info to read, and had to sign off saying I understood the kind of followup care required for this type of surgery, and that I had someone to take care of me, as I wouldn't be able to be left alone. I signed off thinking, sure, I have two grown adult men who will take care of me. Lol.

What a joke.

Two grown men turned out to be one man who cared for me intermittently when his schedule allowed.

Maybe Steely is close to the truth about what happened -- is this some weird man thing? Do men break down in the face of a medical/care crisis? All they had to do was feed me meds on time and feed me liquids. I actually fed myself. I just needed it put in front of me.

Maybe men who care for a female can't stand to see her ailing? I really have no clue. This is new to me.

And Brian went a step beyond this by not only melting down, but by denying reality, and attacking the one needing care.

Soberpotamus

One lesson learned: never, ever expect to be cared for by men when ailing; find a female.

I hate to say it, because I'm proudly feminist in every positive sense of the meaning of the word.

venuscat

I think there are a lot of men who are wonderful carers.
Some people just don't seem to have the gene. Maybe Brian is one of those people.

I'm sorry that you have gone through all of this J.
But gosh you've been amazing.

And I'm so happy to hear you are liking the results.

♥Sending love.

Soberpotamus

There must be some good male carers out there. I take your word for it, V. I've just never come across one. But then, I've rarely needed care.

Soberpotamus

Quite the scare just now. Felt like I was going to vomit up the tortilla soup! Wow. I need to slow down. I really gulped it down.

I'm prepared to vomit if it happens. I read to gently turn my head to one side and let it come out.

Somehow I can't imagine it happening easily, lol.

venuscat

I hope you're alright now.

Soberpotamus

I'm fine now, V. It was over in about 15 minutes. The sick feeling went away.

Soberpotamus

Pomegranate Greek yogurt is delicious.

venuscat

I'm glad you're OK now. ♥

I LOVE the lemon meringue yoghurt.

Soberpotamus

Lemon and coconut are my favorites.

Soberpotamus

Time for a cup of chai and a movie.

SoberLeigh

Sounds like a good plan, Potamus.

Hope you sleep well tonight.

SoberLeigh

Oh no. Hope that sick feeling passes quickly!!!!

SoberLeigh

Thank goodness.

Steely

I know there are good caring men out there just that we seem to outnumber them in the caring department. I don't know that they're hard-wired or not probably a lot of social conditioning. Genes too. I've seen lots of men stand back from ailing partners when really they care but are afraid. Don't take any **** though from one good feminist to another. You really sound better. And he finally realised only after seeing the x-Rays how crucial the job was. Men see. ha ha

Steely

Please don't think me a separatist I really do like men. Just need to make that clear.

MidnightBlue

Hi, SP.

How are you today.

With you a good day. And sending positive vibes)

phoebe64

My husband is not a naturally nurturing, caregiver type. He was not raised that way. His mother is tough, had to raise 6 kids alone after her husband died. He told me about a time when he had surgery on a toe and drove himself home. He was an older teen at the time. My mother would have been right there waiting for me. But, his mom probably had to work or had to care for his gradeschool sibs.

Anyway, I had great anger and resentment towards him during and after my pregnancies. My expectations were far different than the reality. But, there is a difference between not being naturally caring or nurturing, but still being very capable of carrying our requests and instructions. My husband can do that, and he did. And, he steps up and does tons for the kids when I cannot, which is a huge help as well. But I did not get back rubs, ice packs, or even a glass of water, unless I would have asked for it.

It seems your Brian is missing both parts. While he may not be naturally nurturing, he does not seem able or willing to follow instructions and meet your needs, even if you tell him exactly what you need.

I think that is the bigger problem. One is an emotional let down, but the latter, is a real problem, in that he cannot get the job done, even when told explicitly how. He seems to have some of his own issues here.

I have not read for a few days, but read the last page and know the general history of your situation from last week, when I read it all.

Anna

It's been a learning experience for you, hasn't it, SP?

It does sound like you're feeling stronger!