Machinist

JL2014, I didn't know you were a vet. I am too brother. Five years in and it's been almost five years since I got out. I think getting out made my drinking worse just because of the shock of living in the real world again. Did you have the same kind of problem?

Pixie and Lisa, I know exactly what you mean. My longest attempt in 12 years was one day (well, one night) short of six weeks. That night, I said to myself: "You know what? I'm a grown ass man and I deserve to have a couple of beers every now and then." A few days pass and I'm back to buying cases. I'm a derp sometimes.

Applekat, the day after a give-in night is THE WORST! Depression, anger for being weak, and hopelessness aren't very conducive to getting back on the proverbial horse. That's why I continued to get hammered instead of just chalking it up to a moment of weakness and moving on. It sucks so bad.

illi, I can't speak from a marital standpoint, but I have been in a similar situation with a long term ex-girlfriend. At it's worst, I pleaded for a night out without alcohol, and when I showed up to her place completely sober, I could tell (and smell) that she was smashed. I turned around and walked out.. last time I ever saw her and her kid. I'm not saying you should leave. I'm just saying that sometimes people will not accommodate your recovery, and you need to make the best decision for your situation to adjust or cope with that.

To all those who just joined or are a few days in, Thanks for being here. We all draw from your strength, and you will draw from ours.

Quick update on me, my blood pressure did drop back to normal last night even though I went a couple beers over "budget." I'm completely okay with that though. I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'm taking a step back today to 1 an hour (total of 7) just to be sure my body is okay with that. I'm a little concerned that I'll be at work for 10 hours tomorrow without a drink, but I have a good reason to take a half day if I absolutely need to (car needs work after a big pothole over the holidays). Crossing my fingers.

Applekat

Hey Pixie. Yup, you'll never regret NOT drinking.

I always find such immediate relief when I know I am (once again) giving up drinking. Seriously then, why doesn't that stick. I need to add something new to my recovery plan, not just the same stuff...

Machinist

My theory on that is that it's so easy to forget just how bad drinking is in the days, weeks, and months after it's gone. After a long time away, I think we all kind of down-play and rationalize the bad situations and feelings and "promise" ourselves that it will never happen again, or at least, not to such a grave extent. After all, a couple of beers won't kill ya right? One glass of wine isn't going to make you pass out. A couple of shots with friends doesn't make you an alcoholic... right? Then when that first drink hits, the AV kicks back in, and all that rational thought and all those promises go out the window.

ClearCut

Hi everyone - hope all of you are staying safe and sticking to plans made. Great to see all of the honest determination in today's posts to make a difference for ourselves. Welcome to those joining us today.

I'm thankful that I don't have to return to work tomorrow in a hung-over state. Can at least walk into the office without that needless anxiety and stress. I've so far told workmates that I'm quitting drinking as part of a charitable fund-raising effort to quit drinking during month of January. And I am signed up for that - but my true intent is of course not drinking forever more. I've told those closest to me how it is, the rest will find out in time & I'm at ease with that. Wife doesn't drink anyway, so that's a blessing.

Had a few playful murmurings at last from the AV this afternoon, albeit mercifully subdued. I recalled a bullet point from AVRT ("Rational Recovery") which reminded me it's me in charge - not "it":-

Your Addictive Voice (AV) is any thinking that supports or suggests the possible future use of alcohol or other drugs. Your AV is the sole cause of your addiction. Your Beast speaks with awesome authority, but it is a mere desire, utterly powerless, a dependent quadriplegic unable to wiggle your fingers.

Otherwise occupied myself with family stuff and a lifting session at home with barbell & free weights. Felt pretty good and seemed to boost my appetite. Ate well, and focussed on lots of water once again today.

Wishing everyone a sober and pleasant evening/night. Let's do this.

CC

Dudette

Hi Classmates
Thank you for all of your open and honest sharings - it is really helpful for me starting out day 2. This time last year I had 6 weeks alcohol free so I just need to finesse my plan regarding complacency so I can go better than that this time...

Machinist

You made it to six weeks? I hate you now!! Just kidding. That's actually going to be a big milestone for me. I don't know what exactly just yet, but I'm going to do something special (not involving the drink of course) for myself at 6 because that will officially be the longest time since I turned 21. We can do it duuuuuuuudette!

Applekat

I'm thinking about starting some meditation of sorts but this is coming from someone with three little kiddos so I'm not sure how people meditate (music, noise-free...?) let alone when and where.

Lolly67

Hi everyone
Just checking in before trying to go to sleep
It's day 2 and feeling OKish. Pretty tired as I couldn't
Sleep last night but hopefully that will pass.
Looks like you guys are all doing really well and
Staying sober, which is fantastic and very encouraging
Back to work tomorrow and also back to the gym
after some serious time out. So I am expecting pain !!
Anyway keep up the good work guys, you keep me strong by
being strong as well

loopylou69

So true. I achieved six months sober last year. This is easy I thought. I'm not an alcoholic, I just drink too much, I can handle a few drinks now and then. Within weeks I was sneaking the best part of a bottle of vodka throughout the day most days. I keep reminding myself how easy it is to fall back into that vicious circle. I'm an alcoholic.

benice

Love this! I was in the August 2015 class also, and with their help made it 116 days...or one third of 2015! Look, we are 100% of 2016! Now that's some motivation...

Machinist

I'm no meditation guru Applekat, but I can tell you how I first learned. (Fun fact, I discovered Buddhism 8 years ago while reading in a dusty library in Afghanistan.)

Sorry for the wall of text.. and disclaimer: this works for me and has worked for a couple people that I showed it to. You results may vary.

The primary focus for beginners is the simplest thing that most of us don't even think about on a daily basis: breathing. I started off in silence when most of my bunk mates were asleep. I started with a technique called belly breathing. It wasn't easy at first, but the way I learned was this: When you take a deep breath in, allow your belly to expand first instead of your chest as if you are filling the bottom-most part of your lungs with air like a glass of water. As you inhale, your chest will expand as well, but it should feel like a wave from your stomach to your chest. Breathing out is the exact opposite. Empty your chest, then your belly. Each breath should be as slow and deep as possible without discomfort.

Your eyes should be closed, and you should be sitting in a relaxed but upright and proper posture (to facilitate the deep breaths). I usually put a small pillow or blanket behind my lower back up against a flat surface or in between my couch and back to facilitate this.

Once you start to get into a rhythm of breathing, do a mental assessment check of the muscles throughout your body. If you find something tensed up, held in position, or moving in any way, relax it and continue to focus on breathing. Repeat this self check several times throughout your session. Remember, breathe and relax.

For me, either silence or a constant filler noise (like a box fan on medium) has been more successful than music. However, if you prefer music, I would recommend a very chill and soft playlist with no lyrics, high tempos, or dramatic shifts.. aka, something that will not be distracting.

On a final note, you may find your mind wandering during your session. Don't let it.. at least for now. Every time you find yourself wandering, focus back on the breathing and muscle checks. Remember, the first steps are to breath and relax.

This alone will leave you more refreshed and relaxed then ever. I guarantee it, or your money back. If you get some good practice in this, I will gladly post a part two for even more fun results. I will admit though, I haven't practiced as much recently as I need to. Writing this really makes me miss it. Thanks for bringing me back to it Applekat.

lisatryingagain

Hi Everyone. I kind of wish we could comment under each persons posts, there are so many new people and I forget by the time I get to the end of the thread to post. I just want to say I have so much in common with all of you and really like hearing your stories, I relate so much and it gives me a huge amount of comfort.

Its day two for me. I kind of have a plan, and I keep thinking of things to add to it. Journalling, coming here, exercise, mindfulness, practicing gratitude each night, being stricter in having a routine . I thought about this morning how slack I am with looking after myself food wise. I need to add that to my plan, keeping my blood sugar stable - it definitely contributes to anxiety and low mood. And I really need to work on the isolating, and find the courage to go to an AA meeting. And making an appointment to see a psychologist, I have the referral, just haven't followed through.
Honestly though even last night, at the end of day 1, my AV stuck its head up briefly. That surprised me and scared me, since overall I feel very committed right now.

lisatryingagain

Machinist thanks for that great description of meditation. I had to smile imagining you doing it surrounded by snoring bunkmates . That shows commitment .

A few months ago I went to a place to learn meditation, it turns out the place is a little bit cultish - but they were very nice people. When I did it with them it felt great (even though im not very good yet the sense of peace I got was beautiful), and each day they do free group meditation at 6 am and 7 pm. Its on my list of things to do too.

Loving kindness meditation is something I have tried as well, you can google and download them on the internet, it feels really good.

Machinist

OMG lisa, I immediately burst out in laughter after I read the first few sentences of your post. I can just imagine a camera on me surrounded by those guys and how funny that must have looked. I'm still giggling about it.

I would be a little apprehensive about meditation studios personally. From what I've heard, they teach what "westerners" think is meditation. But, I've never been to one, so I can't speak from personal experience. I enjoyed what I read on google about loving kindness meditation, but it seems fairly advanced for the average joe or jane. I guess the big thing is that people experimenting with meditation should really just strive for what works best for them.

Timeforchange18

Hi everybody. Thank you all for your posts. It's nice to know I'm not the only person going through this. Today is day 3. I'm having wirhdrawl but not nearly as bad as last time. Biggest thing is the insonomia. I wish I could sleep for a week. I am back to the gym and also seeing a councillor tomorrow. I know in a few more days I'll feel so much better and the cravings will be back but I will not have that first drink. I have so much to lose if I don't stop. We can all do this. Feel free to stop by the chat room. I'm in there lots and nobody is around. Check out the weekly meetings as well. Every Tuesday and Friday at 9pm est. They are great.

squirrel36

This is my first post. I have been a functioning alcoholic for my whole life. Things got a little worse over the holidays, I decided it was time to stop.

On my first day sober, I had fever, sweat a lot, spent the entire day in bed shaking. The second day was better. Today is the third. My wife, who had been supporting me, woke up really angry for some reason. She has been giving me angry looks and being rude for the entire day (she doesn't drink, by the way). I just wanted to be close to her, I really need her now. I told her that. She gave me one more angry look and went downstairs.

To make matters worse, tomorrow I have to go back to work - a really terrible place, chock full of toxic people. I am feeling super stressed right now. I will not drink. But I could really use a word of support.

lisatryingagain

Hi Time for Change. Be very proud of yourself that you are getting to the gym on day 3. That's great.
I am on day two and a half and dreading needing to leave the house to buy toilet paper.... and do the walk of shame to the rubbish bins with all my empties under my sink...... hopefully for the last time though.

Machinist the place I did meditation was called the Brahma Kumaris, they have a very unusual work philosophy to say the least, coming form India in the 1930s, but they were kind people and I think I will go back for the meditation.

Loving kindness meditation can be a simple as just listening to a 3 minute you tube video clip - it doesn't have to be hard at all. I just googled it and a 2015 study by Ben Shahar and others found it very effective in helping self critical individuals become less self critical and more self compassionate. The same study said that self criticism (which I am sadly very very accomplished in ) is a predictor of lower response to brief psychological and pharmalogical treatments for depression..... Sorry if that's too wordy.

It felt good for me, but we are all very different, and what helps one of use won't work for others, but it is great to be able to share tips and ideas isn't it.

least

Squirrel, welcome to the family. Keep at it, hard as it is at first, it does get better.

lisatryingagain

Hi Squirrel and welcome. I'm sorry you are suffering. we all want to support you. Be proud of getting to day 3, you should feel really good about yourself for achieving that. The physical withdrawals will get better.

Can you try to tell yourself that you are your priority right now,and you can't control how your wife feels but you can be gentle to yourself. Maybe try to not pay attention to her right now... in a respectful way. Tell her you need to focus on you so you can better for both of you and your relationship .

And can you take the day off work tomorrow? I work in a toxic environment too, and I have taken a week off. Tell them you have a cold or something else?

JL2014

My wife told me I always pick the wrong time to quit drinking. In times of crisis, she said I decide to stop drinking. I'm having DTs I think. My wife's burned out completely. Lay in the bed w earphones on while 2 yr old was crying incessantly. He was just tired from playing hard all day.
I'm shaking all inside my stomach, and having some sweats. Gonna take a long hot bath later. Had a quick shower already but all the family had to use hot water too so I'll wait to lounge.
Chest pounding some. That's stuff I remember from binge drinking. No drinking or sleep medicine. Got a few tabs that I feel like I'm gonna have to break up to try to get through work nights with. I'm off tomorrow then back to work.
I'm still scared to death like everything's gonna crash in, but that's what drinking does to me. I'm gonna read up on posts later on and reply to some. Rattling bad right now and will be up a lot tonight.
Have the boys again tomorrow, as 7 yr old is out of school for a teacher day or something.
Got father in law home from hospital in the city. He's in horrible shape, and out of his mind on pain meds. Everyone is strung out from dealing with the situation, but in reality, I can just not physically deal with that situation. I'm not really expected to do a whole lot. My boys are a handful, but pretty good kids. I'm blessed.
I just keep trying to have my little chill out drinks and it always escalates.
I actually feel so crappy, I don't want to drink. I'm craving some rest though. Price the addict pays.
Thanks for listening.