One Year and Under Club Part 50
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 1,501
Originally Posted by Saskia 
You are right, Key - we all do need to find what works for us! I know how frustrating it can be to have people tell me what I should be doing. Each of us can only really share what works for us and anyone reading can choose whatever parts might fit for them.
Part of what I'm still in the process of learning is that the goal is not to be perfect in everything. The first goal is to stay sober. The rest will come with time.
Part of what I'm still in the process of learning is that the goal is not to be perfect in everything. The first goal is to stay sober. The rest will come with time.
It sounds like you are doing great Key! What you are doing is working!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful posts Carlos and Glee.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
I don't know if it's working. I am aware of things that need to be fixed and I am trying. Most of the time it feels like my life is falling apart all around me. Most of the time I feel like everything is just a mess and I'm not sure if I'll ever get it worked out. I feel lower today than I have since I've quit drinking. I keep searching for the good...I want it so bad. The bad just keeps coming relentlessly after me. Relentless. I am trying to handle everything head on, calmly, trying to understand others points of view.
It's hard to get into things about exactly what's going on in our lives. We don't know each other like that personally here on SR. I may be in the wrong in the situation I am talking about, but it hurts me and I am only trying to get my point across so that we can work it out. Instead I get yelled at, cursed at, hung up on like 5 times in a row, extreme yelling and absolutely no acknowledgement (validation) of how I feel at all. It's pointless. Pointless to talk about because I get no where. I don't understand where this came from. Up to about my 100 days sober, everything was fine. Sure I had stuff to work on no doubt. I have always been willing to do that and admit where and when I'm wrong. Something in my husband changed dramatically. He blocks me out. He barely talks to me. He don't want to be around me and when he is, it's minimal interaction. No nothing. I am so hurt, lonely, angry, confused. It's a complete mess. At least when I was drinking the feeling would go away. Now it's just there, all the time. Gnawing and gnawing at me. Like a cancer.
It's hard to get into things about exactly what's going on in our lives. We don't know each other like that personally here on SR. I may be in the wrong in the situation I am talking about, but it hurts me and I am only trying to get my point across so that we can work it out. Instead I get yelled at, cursed at, hung up on like 5 times in a row, extreme yelling and absolutely no acknowledgement (validation) of how I feel at all. It's pointless. Pointless to talk about because I get no where. I don't understand where this came from. Up to about my 100 days sober, everything was fine. Sure I had stuff to work on no doubt. I have always been willing to do that and admit where and when I'm wrong. Something in my husband changed dramatically. He blocks me out. He barely talks to me. He don't want to be around me and when he is, it's minimal interaction. No nothing. I am so hurt, lonely, angry, confused. It's a complete mess. At least when I was drinking the feeling would go away. Now it's just there, all the time. Gnawing and gnawing at me. Like a cancer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 2,977
Hi undies.
I've been a little MIA lately from here which unfortunately is never a good thing for me and led to drinking Thursday. I let some thing build up inside of me and get the best of me when I thought drinking to get out of my head would be a good idea. Well it wasn't and was the same old thing, not enjoyable at all.
I didn't drink yesterday tho and plan on getting to a meeting tonight after wompland. Also I found a meeting to go to tomorrow.
Time to seriously stop the relapses that have been happening since summer and get to some meetings.
I'll be catching up on posts on my lunch or after womp. Hope everyone here has been doing well
I've been a little MIA lately from here which unfortunately is never a good thing for me and led to drinking Thursday. I let some thing build up inside of me and get the best of me when I thought drinking to get out of my head would be a good idea. Well it wasn't and was the same old thing, not enjoyable at all.
I didn't drink yesterday tho and plan on getting to a meeting tonight after wompland. Also I found a meeting to go to tomorrow.
Time to seriously stop the relapses that have been happening since summer and get to some meetings.
I'll be catching up on posts on my lunch or after womp. Hope everyone here has been doing well
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Southern California
Posts: 690
Hi all!
27 days here and things are going pretty well. The holidays are a bit tough. Self imposed isolation is a bit of a bummer. I have a party to go to this afternoon where there will be a lot of drinking. I've got that handled in my mind. I really don't feel like drinking and I'm bringing my sparkling water.
This morning I woke up with the thoughts that once I have a few months of sobriety I could then selectively participate in drinking for special occasions and vacations etc...as long as I didn't ever drink at home again. What's up with that????
27 days here and things are going pretty well. The holidays are a bit tough. Self imposed isolation is a bit of a bummer. I have a party to go to this afternoon where there will be a lot of drinking. I've got that handled in my mind. I really don't feel like drinking and I'm bringing my sparkling water.
This morning I woke up with the thoughts that once I have a few months of sobriety I could then selectively participate in drinking for special occasions and vacations etc...as long as I didn't ever drink at home again. What's up with that????
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Southern California
Posts: 690
Originally Posted by KeyofC
I don't know if it's working. I am aware of things that need to be fixed and I am trying. Most of the time it feels like my life is falling apart all around me. Most of the time I feel like everything is just a mess and I'm not sure if I'll ever get it worked out. I feel lower today than I have since I've quit drinking. I keep searching for the good...I want it so bad. The bad just keeps coming relentlessly after me. Relentless. I am trying to handle everything head on, calmly, trying to understand others points of view.
It's hard to get into things about exactly what's going on in our lives. We don't know each other like that personally here on SR. I may be in the wrong in the situation I am talking about, but it hurts me and I am only trying to get my point across so that we can work it out. Instead I get yelled at, cursed at, hung up on like 5 times in a row, extreme yelling and absolutely no acknowledgement (validation) of how I feel at all. It's pointless. Pointless to talk about because I get no where. I don't understand where this came from. Up to about my 100 days sober, everything was fine. Sure I had stuff to work on no doubt. I have always been willing to do that and admit where and when I'm wrong. Something in my husband changed dramatically. He blocks me out. He barely talks to me. He don't want to be around me and when he is, it's minimal interaction. No nothing. I am so hurt, lonely, angry, confused. It's a complete mess. At least when I was drinking the feeling would go away. Now it's just there, all the time. Gnawing and gnawing at me. Like a cancer.
It's hard to get into things about exactly what's going on in our lives. We don't know each other like that personally here on SR. I may be in the wrong in the situation I am talking about, but it hurts me and I am only trying to get my point across so that we can work it out. Instead I get yelled at, cursed at, hung up on like 5 times in a row, extreme yelling and absolutely no acknowledgement (validation) of how I feel at all. It's pointless. Pointless to talk about because I get no where. I don't understand where this came from. Up to about my 100 days sober, everything was fine. Sure I had stuff to work on no doubt. I have always been willing to do that and admit where and when I'm wrong. Something in my husband changed dramatically. He blocks me out. He barely talks to me. He don't want to be around me and when he is, it's minimal interaction. No nothing. I am so hurt, lonely, angry, confused. It's a complete mess. At least when I was drinking the feeling would go away. Now it's just there, all the time. Gnawing and gnawing at me. Like a cancer.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Keepin, 27 days is great! I think many of us have those sudden drinking thoughts from apparently nowhere. I suspect it's a measure of just how strong our addiction is. When that happens to me, I remind myself of how miserable I was when trying to quit.
Key, I don't believe any of us ever exactly walks in another's shoes entirely. That being said, I don't think that the emergence of relationship difficulties during recovery is unusual. Consider that our drinking can also have covered over many issues that come to the fore after stopping. My personal view is that the issues may have been there all along but were, perhaps, covered up by the dynamics of addiction?
Not drinking is, IMHO, just the very beginning of our journey of growth. And as in any growth, growing pains can occur. That doesn't make it any easier, however! Know that we are all walking similar paths in a variety of ways! (((Hugs))).
Key, I don't believe any of us ever exactly walks in another's shoes entirely. That being said, I don't think that the emergence of relationship difficulties during recovery is unusual. Consider that our drinking can also have covered over many issues that come to the fore after stopping. My personal view is that the issues may have been there all along but were, perhaps, covered up by the dynamics of addiction?
Not drinking is, IMHO, just the very beginning of our journey of growth. And as in any growth, growing pains can occur. That doesn't make it any easier, however! Know that we are all walking similar paths in a variety of ways! (((Hugs))).
Key
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
Key, I agree with Sass, we can often use drink to hide from issues in relationships and as a consequence those issues continue unabated and can grow unchecked. When we stop drinking, initial
Y those around us are just happy that the problems that arise from our drinking have stopped, and we are happy that we are regaining our sense of self and sense of self respect. But there comes a point, when if there are underlying problems within a relationship, that we have to decide how we are going to deal with them. Sometimes, if the person we share our life with continues an unhealthy relationship with their own addiction, it can cause them to resent us fighting ours. I know I am fortunate with the current Mr T as he is a super supportive Normie, who chose not to drink around me in the initial months, but having lived with an alcoholic in my first marriage, I know how hard it is to try to make personal progress when someone is trying to drag you back down or is resenting you for it. - not that I am saying this is what is happening with you Key, just that the dynamics of our relationships can change dramatically when we sober up.
You cannot change other people, you can only change how you respond to them. I feel a lot of anger, sadness and frustration coming from you Key, and AV is trying very hard to tell you 'why bother making the effort, nothing is getting any better'. But it is sweetie. Your life is better. Think of what you can do to help yourself feel better about what is happening. Treat yourself, reward yourself, you are doing so well you deserve it and you need a reminder of how far you have come. A spa treatment or some aromatherapy or something. I also suggest practising daily meditation and gratitude. It helps to keep us centred and strong. You need strength just now.
Joe what a lovely post, and good on recognising the potential for AV to try telling you that 'further down the line we can.....' . Hmm yeah AV? Er no!
BeFree, time to put your big girl panties on and try something new Hun. You did so well last year, that you know you can nail this sobriety gig, but without making changes in your thinking, you will struggle to permanently change your drinking. X
Congrats Carlos and all the best with the move.
Glee, it's tough in a situation where we feel we know better than others, but as with anything else, we cannot change them, only how we react. Sounds like you did that after a while. Sobriety doesn't make us perfect. But it gives us the ability to work at being a better person.
Hugs all, xx
Y those around us are just happy that the problems that arise from our drinking have stopped, and we are happy that we are regaining our sense of self and sense of self respect. But there comes a point, when if there are underlying problems within a relationship, that we have to decide how we are going to deal with them. Sometimes, if the person we share our life with continues an unhealthy relationship with their own addiction, it can cause them to resent us fighting ours. I know I am fortunate with the current Mr T as he is a super supportive Normie, who chose not to drink around me in the initial months, but having lived with an alcoholic in my first marriage, I know how hard it is to try to make personal progress when someone is trying to drag you back down or is resenting you for it. - not that I am saying this is what is happening with you Key, just that the dynamics of our relationships can change dramatically when we sober up.
You cannot change other people, you can only change how you respond to them. I feel a lot of anger, sadness and frustration coming from you Key, and AV is trying very hard to tell you 'why bother making the effort, nothing is getting any better'. But it is sweetie. Your life is better. Think of what you can do to help yourself feel better about what is happening. Treat yourself, reward yourself, you are doing so well you deserve it and you need a reminder of how far you have come. A spa treatment or some aromatherapy or something. I also suggest practising daily meditation and gratitude. It helps to keep us centred and strong. You need strength just now.
Joe what a lovely post, and good on recognising the potential for AV to try telling you that 'further down the line we can.....' . Hmm yeah AV? Er no!
BeFree, time to put your big girl panties on and try something new Hun. You did so well last year, that you know you can nail this sobriety gig, but without making changes in your thinking, you will struggle to permanently change your drinking. X
Congrats Carlos and all the best with the move.
Glee, it's tough in a situation where we feel we know better than others, but as with anything else, we cannot change them, only how we react. Sounds like you did that after a while. Sobriety doesn't make us perfect. But it gives us the ability to work at being a better person.
Hugs all, xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I think change can be even more confronting for our partners than it is for us Key - cos at least we instigate the change...our other halves can feel like they're swept up in it.
Not that that excuses bad behaviour - it doesn't...but it's rough for some couples, at least for a little while.
I didn't have a partner, but I had a lot of stuff to sort out...psychological, physical, financial...it took me a year or so.
That may seem a long time but it's really not...especially compared to the years I drank away.
One of my favourite sayings 'everything will be ok in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end'...
It's not the end Key - hang in there
D
Not that that excuses bad behaviour - it doesn't...but it's rough for some couples, at least for a little while.
I didn't have a partner, but I had a lot of stuff to sort out...psychological, physical, financial...it took me a year or so.
That may seem a long time but it's really not...especially compared to the years I drank away.
One of my favourite sayings 'everything will be ok in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end'...
It's not the end Key - hang in there
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 1,501
Oh my goodness Key, I was referring only to your recovery from alcohol when I said things were going well, and from all of your posts it seems like you have been. I know this is a tough time. I was at about 100 days when I had my last relapse. I'm very wary of this.
I do wish you the best and can work things out in your relationship. Getting sober is a big change and often change is hard.
I do wish you the best and can work things out in your relationship. Getting sober is a big change and often change is hard.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
Thank you everyone ((hug))
All of what you have said makes sense. Wayward, I am doing well not drinking, staying in the course of working my recovery, and accepting change, recognized icing the issues. Being inside all of this and completely enveloped in it, sometimes it's a jumbled mess.
Detachment is something I am trying to do. Not pulling away and packing up my feelings. Loving detachment. He's an active drinker and why I think I need AA and Alanon.
Have a wonderful Sunday
All of what you have said makes sense. Wayward, I am doing well not drinking, staying in the course of working my recovery, and accepting change, recognized icing the issues. Being inside all of this and completely enveloped in it, sometimes it's a jumbled mess.
Detachment is something I am trying to do. Not pulling away and packing up my feelings. Loving detachment. He's an active drinker and why I think I need AA and Alanon.
Have a wonderful Sunday
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
(((Key))), that's definitely a challenging situation. F2f support will likely be very important. It sounds like you are doing or planning to do what you need to deal with all of this. You are what I like to call "one smart cookie" :-). Most of us simply aren't able to handle everything on our own. Having multiple sources of support can make a soft landing more achievable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
((Key)), I am sorry that you are experiencing such difficulties in your relationship. I have little advise to offer since I have gone through this last recovery without a life partner.
If you are seriously considering AA, then I will offer the following suggestions. Consider searching out a sponsor. Not someone "like you" but someone that has what you want. I tend to shy away from the preachers of the program and look for the teachers...those leading by example.
As for the Al-Anon idea, I'm sure that someone smarter than I could direct you. I have considered Al-Anon too. Both of my parents were alcoholic. Yet, when I discussed this with a temp sponsor of mine while in St Thomas, he suggested that I work on getting a strong foundation in AA first. He had two alcoholic parents as well and chose to enter Al_Anon after five years of sobriety. Bottom line, there will be plenty of differing thoughts...but, I can tell you for certain that this architect, author and artist had his stuff together and he was for sure someone that had what I wanted.
Relationships are tricky in recovery - good or bad. I can only offer that many have found a way to thrive in recovery while working through the many relationship landmines that exist. There also is a school of thought that we should wait a year of working a solid program before we consider any serious life changes.
Not picking up and making meetings helped me to not drink. Working the program with sponsor's guidance helped to slow down and virtually eliminate the freight train that was constantly running between my ears...and had been for decades.
The gentleman that is my current sponsor said something at a meeting in my first week in AA. He said that he can lay his head down and go to sleep in peace. I knew at that moment that I wanted what he had.
Key, keep putting sobriety first and practice the principals of your recovery plan in all your affairs. If you do that, one day, I can assure you that you will find joy, happiness and freedom.
Keep, congrats on approaching one month clean and sober - you rock!
BF, keep coming back!
Enjoy the day, all.
Carlos
If you are seriously considering AA, then I will offer the following suggestions. Consider searching out a sponsor. Not someone "like you" but someone that has what you want. I tend to shy away from the preachers of the program and look for the teachers...those leading by example.
As for the Al-Anon idea, I'm sure that someone smarter than I could direct you. I have considered Al-Anon too. Both of my parents were alcoholic. Yet, when I discussed this with a temp sponsor of mine while in St Thomas, he suggested that I work on getting a strong foundation in AA first. He had two alcoholic parents as well and chose to enter Al_Anon after five years of sobriety. Bottom line, there will be plenty of differing thoughts...but, I can tell you for certain that this architect, author and artist had his stuff together and he was for sure someone that had what I wanted.
Relationships are tricky in recovery - good or bad. I can only offer that many have found a way to thrive in recovery while working through the many relationship landmines that exist. There also is a school of thought that we should wait a year of working a solid program before we consider any serious life changes.
Not picking up and making meetings helped me to not drink. Working the program with sponsor's guidance helped to slow down and virtually eliminate the freight train that was constantly running between my ears...and had been for decades.
The gentleman that is my current sponsor said something at a meeting in my first week in AA. He said that he can lay his head down and go to sleep in peace. I knew at that moment that I wanted what he had.
Key, keep putting sobriety first and practice the principals of your recovery plan in all your affairs. If you do that, one day, I can assure you that you will find joy, happiness and freedom.
Keep, congrats on approaching one month clean and sober - you rock!
BF, keep coming back!
Enjoy the day, all.
Carlos
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,914
Hugs Key!!
Sorry you're going through a rough spot.
I feel like the first bit of sobriety is such a huge change its easy to see all the good changes, but around 100 days you're past that honeymoon phase and onto the hard stuff, real life.
Hang in there! We're all here for you!
Sorry you're going through a rough spot.
I feel like the first bit of sobriety is such a huge change its easy to see all the good changes, but around 100 days you're past that honeymoon phase and onto the hard stuff, real life.
Hang in there! We're all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 1,501
Good morning everyone. Not much new here- just continuing on the path toward recovery. Overall I'm doing well and I am starting to feel more "normal" most of the time. The fuzziness or brain fog I have experienced is mostly gone But is still there on and off. I do feel more serene most of the time and my overall level of stress or anxiety is much lower now. I know I still have a long way to go, but my progress is very encouraging.
Key- I'm glad your recovery is still on track. More support will certainly help a lot.
Key- I'm glad your recovery is still on track. More support will certainly help a lot.
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