Incontrol15

Good morning. But tired today after getting home at 4:30. Now it's time to make some sales.

SG...antacids....yeah. Took em all the time. Sometimes I'd have to mix baking soda with water as that worked much better. I'd often have to get up in the middle of the night. Several times, it would be so bad I would just throw up. I got pretty good at that. There was even times I'd throw up because I was too drunk. Only to drink more after.

Cauliflower

Some mornings I wake up with that checklist, then realize that I didn't drink. Usually happens on a Monday.

Johnny, glad your checking in again! It sounds like you have found a great therapist who you can trust. He sounds awesome, and so do you. Having many day ones means that you are willing to keep trying and never give up.
Trust me, one day it will stick if you stick with it.

Today will be a very conflicted trying day for me. I will work through it, no need to add alcohol to the mix as that would just bury the issue, and I have bigger, more real issues that I need to focus my energy on.

Have a good day everyone!

Incontrol15

You go girl.

I'm learning to handle those trying situations better. Using the same logic you have. I've come to learn from experience that I am much happier when it's over. That simply wouldn't be the case if I drank.

I'm also finding similarities to fighting urges early in my sobriety. There came a point after a week or so that I KNEW from experience, that the urges were short term and that is feel good when it was. That knowledge helped me ride the wave.

I find that awareness also dampens the severity of the situation.

I read something that resonated with me recently. Basically stating that when we use drugs to get high, we are borrowing those emotions from the future. I just like how it simplified the idea. I was already aware...WELL aware...of rebound anxiety and depression, but I never thought of it in a way that the "debt" is always paid back in FULL.

SwimKim12

Hi, All. Quick check in this morning. I'm struggling. I drank the last two nights. I don't like this. Drinking doesn't make me feel good. I don't like feeling like I just want to numb life. The one thing I can say for certain is I will not drink today. I want to wake up without a hangover tomorrow. I don't want to be chained to the bottle. It sucks. It's not even fun! I don't like my puffy face and my upset stomach.

I have to go but will check in later today. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to be sharing this, but if you and SR weren't here I don't know where I'd be. Thank you all and hope you are well.

stargazer016

Good luck Cauliflower! Sometimes knowing beforehand that a day will be challenging allows us to set up some preemptive strategies to help overcome whatever is tossed our way.

Go sell up a storm, Inc!

SwimKim12

Johnny, I'm glad you are back! And glad you have found a great therapist.

I'm not sure where to start. I think I just gave up. Trying to stay sober was so hard. So I gave up trying and drank an amount of alcohol that I knew I could "function" on, meaning I wouldn't miss work but would still be hungover. Tried that for two days. It's not working! Doesn't make me feel better. And it's so gross and dangerous.

When I'm not drinking I have so much more room for thoughts that don't involve planning to drink, drinking, being hungover, being regretful, etc. that takes up a lot of mental capacity. I just haven't figured out what to do with all the extra room for thoughts and feelings.

Sobriety is so so hard. Being an addict is so serious and scary. I'm pretty overwhelmed right now, so I'm just focusing on today. I won't drink today, and I won't wake up with a hangover tomorrow. I am proud of myself for making that decision.

stargazer016

You are so right, SwimKim! It's minute by minute fighting addiction. You can do this!

Viperidae

Thanks everybody!!! It was shear luck that I found this therapist. I'm ticked off that so many hacks wasted my time and took my money. This guy does not waste my time, and I've reciprocated by not wasting his time. Any idiot can get a Masters in Social Work, but that doesn't mean they can be a therapist. My guy is talented. He picks up on subtle body language and just goes after it. I can really trust him and just go deep and break down if needed. He says it's the only way I'm ever going to stop what's going on and move forward is to just feel that horrible ache in my gut and make friends with it. It needs attention. And he always says, 'wait, check your breathing.' And I'll notice that I'm either holding my breath or taking gulps of air and I start deep breathing. Cool.

Family is much better. Dad is being super nice. I house sat at my sisters luxury estate on the river for a couple of weeks and took care of everything there. I brought my best friend along and we grilled every night and watched absurd reality TV. There was a mother robin sitting on eggs on the porch and they hatched. First day the local bad boy Bald Eagle showed up in the yard. Freakin' huge! And we had the big dog there. I had ZERO desire to drink and never even thought about it there. I get back here and bam!! It's a hell hole. 4 State Troopers outside last night. They grabbed somebody. Their dogs are loud!!

I also policed her two teenagers for 3 nights while she went on a trip with her husband for her birthday. That got me a lot of brownie points.

Winter is Coming, and I don't mean John Snow from Game of Thrones. I mean real winter where I descend into total darkness. So I'm under some pressure. Like I said 95 degrees treated me very well. On the other end, anything under 40 and I decline. Plus the sun, it just vanishes. Short days and always overcast.

amp123

Hey Kim! Glad you're still here. Maybe this glitch is going to work for you and make you feel more determined about your decision? Hope so! Look after yourself!!!

Cauliflower, hope your difficult day worked out OK? One step at a time.

I know what you mean about winter, Johnny. Winter in London used to kill me. I was anxious and depressed 6 months of the year. Ended up moving somewhere with a warm climate....

Cauliflower

This morning I had a little breakdown, or breakthrough, depending on how you look at things. I was sobbing. But, it felt so good afterwards. I realize that I am grieving, and it's the first time I cried since learning of my fathers illness over a year ago.

Regarding my conflicted feelings from my earlier post, after that little episode on the bathroom floor, I found it so easy to suck it up and show up with a smile on my face. This may sound so cryptic to you right now, but image doing something for the sake of supporting someone else, even though you are not 100% all in. (ok, it's politics, but I won't go there!) I figured that I have bigger fish to fry then worry about something so futile and meaningless to me. So that was that. I'm home now, feeling drained emotionally, but solid, and still standing.

Minute by minute, step by step SwimKim. You can do this. Practice staying in the moment and don't even think about tomorrow, you will get there eventually, but for now, you are here. Feet planted on the ground, still standing. Kim, you can beat this addiction, this is your time. Don't waste another minute of your life beating yourself up over this, bring yourself up by not taking that first drink.

And johnny, don't get me started on our winters...I don't want to even go there right now!

Incontrol15

Johnny...that is sooo damn cool with your therapist. Really awesome. I remember when I was little my mom had me see one. My Dad was an abusive alcoholic. She loved me enough to recognize I wasn't happy. She respected me enough to change therapists when I didn't like who I had. It wasn't until I had my 3rd therapist that I began to open up. Just like you said. I didn't hold anything back. I had 100% faith and trust in that therapist. He made me feel lie I was normal and how I responded to the events were normal, but they didn't HAVE to be that way. I had OTHER CHOICES.

Of course....then again....I became an alcoholic and drug abuser later in life, so I guess I didn't learn enough :/. Ultimately, I should have kept going.

Swim....
You can do this. Maybe it will help if you suck in the misery. Really hate how you feel after. That's one of the reasons I'm still sober. I hate the depression and anxiety that follows more than I liked being drunk. It's that simple. For me any way.

Cauliflower

.....harder. Being an addict is harder.

Have you tried reading or meditation to quiet the mind? Pick up a good book and just read with a cup of warm tea in your pj's. Choose a self help book as well as a good juicy novel, and switch between them so you don't get bored with self help and start putting up invisible walls. Also, meditation works to quiet the mind of racing thoughts.

SwimKim12

Thanks everyone. Cauliflower, you're right; being an addict is harder than being sober. That's why I quit in the first place! So much energy worrying about when the next drink is going to come, how I'm going to get drunk enough but not too drunk to "function" the next day, then dealing with the anxiety and guilt in the morning when I wake up and realize I drank too much and made a fool of myself. It took so much time and energy. I guess I've been struggling with what to do with all that extra time and energy! I feel like I'm floundering. I've always been a "focus on the future" kind of person and I think that handicaps me in a way. I think too hard about things and ultimately don't end up doing them. Not sure what to do at this point except not drink today. That's a start.

My grandmother passed away this weekend and today was her service. She had Alzheimer's and had been sick for a really long time, but my mom was still very sad. There was a small group of us there; we are planning a celebration of life event in a few weekends so more can attend. The service was nice and we had lunch with the family afterward.

My thoughts are kind of all over the place right now. Got to get ready for a work dinner tonight. Thanks again to you all for being here and "catching" me each time I fall. I'm glad to be back on my feet and sober right now.

amp123

Morning all! Hope you all have a fine sober Friday and are able to park up your troubles for a little while today

Cauliflower

I am so sorry about your Grandmother, alzheimer's is a terrible disease.

Regarding your extra room for thoughts, you can fill your time! You are re-learning how to sort your thoughts and life. Once upon a time, you woke up everyday with a hangover, felt physically ill, demoralized and the regret sets in. The cravings start again, and bang, your back at it. All the while your thoughts are all over the place arguing out your actions. It's frustrating when you don't understand what the heck is going on, but you still do it. Over time, the behavior is ingrained in your brain, it becomes a habit. But, it's a total relief to take a moment, and push those addictive thoughts away with some sort of inner power that you never knew you had. You have to keep using that power over and over, until it becomes part of you, and it becomes a habit. I think a part of recovery is reprogramming a bad habit.

Yesterday, I met a lady who was deeply frustrated with the lack of mental health support out there. She was telling me that her son suffered all his life, and she tried everything to get him some help. What ever help she did find, she said he never really engaged in any kind of treatment. She said no one knows the pain and frustration of a mental illness unless you are smack in the middle of it. Then she said, one day, he realized that he needed help and I can only hope that he is doing ok now. I just said, Thank God. That's all I said, and she looked at me with an instant connection of understanding, because I got it. It's like the movie, the Butterfly Effect, you just don't know your own mental state until you know it, and it's only then that people will seek help.

SwimKim12

Thank you Cauliflower, and thank you for the great advice. At the service yesterday my aunt said that her granddaughter (who is seven) said that now that grandma is in heaven she can remember her family. Brought me to tears (and now as I write it) but it's true, she's at peace. I was able to see her about a month ago and she still recognized me. But her recognition was only momentary. It's sad to think that now all of my grandparents have passed on, but I am thankful for the time I had with them. I know they all would want to see me sober and happy.

I'm feeling normal today. I'm going to work on a crisis plan today/this weekend. The first time I ran across the idea was a few months back before I relapsed, and I mistakenly thought I was through the crisis part of sobriety bc I had accumulated so much sober time. Oops! I need a plan.

I am grateful that I fully accept that I am an alcoholic and that I am perfectly comfortable not drinking in social situations. Took me many years to come to that realization. Now it's just not taking the first drink and attending to the cause of the last times I drank. I won't drink today because it won't make me feel any better and I can't move forward if I'm drinking. Hope you all are well!

Cauliflower

[QUOTE=Cauliflower;5562508
Yesterday, I met a lady who was deeply frustrated with the lack of mental health support out there. She was telling me that her son suffered all his life, and she tried everything to get him some help. What ever help she did find, she said he never really engaged in any kind of treatment. She said no one knows the pain and frustration of a mental illness unless you are smack in the middle of it. Then she said, one day, he realized that he needed help and I can only hope that he is doing ok now. I just said, Thank God. That's all I said, and she looked at me with an instant connection of understanding, because I got it. It's like the movie, the Butterfly Effect, you just don't know your own mental state until you know it, and it's only then that people will seek help.[/QUOTE] The movie was actually A Beautiful Mind with Russel Crow. And oldie, but a goodie.

I too am having a good normal day. I slept well last night and probably had my best work out session ever this morning! The sun is shining, my husband is golfing, kids are happy and healthy with the youngest at school, dog is breathing, so I think I'll take the day off. Maybe go for a leisure walk at the beach by myself...and I bet not a soul will be there. I'm off!

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Kim.

amp123

Yes, condolences, Kim

stargazer016

I too extend my condolences, SwimKim. What a difficult week you have had. It will get better!