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Class of April 2015 Part 8

Old 09-11-2015, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by SwimKim12 View Post
Those who are struggling please hang in there. Remind yourself why you are sober and that alcohol will not make your life better. Only sobriety can do that.
100% spot on. Bullseye.
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Old 09-11-2015, 04:49 PM
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Hello everyone! Still sober out here in Nez Perce country. My husband just left again and I'm back to hanging out with the dogs, cat and rabbit. Leaving for Orange County on Thursday to spread dad's ashes with my sisters. Even though it's a few days away I have been feeling pretty anxious.

Happy belated birthday, Amp! And welcome back, Canguy! Looks like everyone is just plugging away. I had to read 4 pages to catch up. You all have been busy!
I haven't had the urge to drink in a few weeks. It feels nice to not be constantly having a battle in my head and have a break. I know better than to ever get too comfortable or cocky though. Alcoholism is a tricky little ****..

Hope everyone enjoys the weekend.
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Old 09-12-2015, 03:57 AM
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Hi all,
Just a quick check in. Glad your weekend got off to a great start CG! None of us ever regrets not drinking. On that happy note I am going to do some exercise. I am fully hydrated , have a clear head and am ready to roll! What more could I want?

Have a good one
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Old 09-12-2015, 04:42 AM
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Saturday night here and I'm getting ready for the football. I had a dull, busy day today but , boy, did I feel fantastic. I was in a great mood all day despite waking up at 3am. When I drink now I feel guilty and embarrassed, for the most part the fun went long, long ago.

I just had a look back at the old posts from this group, right back to when I suddenly disappeared. I felt sad both for myself and the others who have disappeared. It felt like a mourning. I must, must, must post daily here.
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Old 09-12-2015, 08:30 AM
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Hi, All. Midton, I'm glad you're feeling well. It does help to post here daily, and post when the cravings hit. The mistake I made was to not reach out when I was in crisis and was ready to buy alcohol. My AV told me, "you've already made up your mind to drink, so why bother posting? You will just cause everyone lots of concern." How messed up is that? Before all three slips I never 100% made up my mind to drink, it was that battle between myself and the AV all the way until I bought the alcohol. Then a small part of me tried to convince myself that even though I bought it I didn't have to drink it, to which the AV replied, "what a waste then." Crazy to think about the mind games an alcoholic has to deal with.

What I'll do differently this time is post for help here when I am in a crisis and seriously considering drinking. Maybe you can commit to that as well, Midton?

I'm doing fine this morning. Didn't sleep well last night because it's super hot, and my roommate and her mom were up talking until like 4am. Pretty tired when I woke up but I've had my oatmeal and coffee and feel awake now. Heading to swim soon. I'm spending the whole weekend at home so I don't have much planned, which is actually nice. May make a crock pot meal and will probably head to the library. Should be relaxing.

I hope everyone's weekend is off to a good start. Amp and Inc, how are you guys feeling?
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Old 09-12-2015, 09:38 AM
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Off to work, it's my Monday Have a great day, evening, night, and Sunday morning everybody!
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Old 09-12-2015, 09:39 AM
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Just got out of my PT job. Was late. I thought it was tomorrow :/

Doing pretty good Swim. Thanks for asking. The pressing issues are the same, but my outlook is better. Just goes to show how much of it is other factors. I think SG nailed it when he mentioned HALT.

Gonna do some door knocking now. Rainy, cold day. Perfect for catching people at home!
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Old 09-12-2015, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by stargazer016 View Post
Off to work, it's my Monday Have a great day, evening, night, and Sunday morning everybody!
Go get em killer!
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Old 09-12-2015, 11:54 AM
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BBB in for 24. Day 59.
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Old 09-12-2015, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Midton View Post
Saturday night here and I'm getting ready for the football. I had a dull, busy day today but , boy, did I feel fantastic. I was in a great mood all day despite waking up at 3am. When I drink now I feel guilty and embarrassed, for the most part the fun went long, long ago.

I just had a look back at the old posts from this group, right back to when I suddenly disappeared. I felt sad both for myself and the others who have disappeared. It felt like a mourning. I must, must, must post daily here.
Certainly got me through, Midton. Support here has been truly invaluable and I am not overstating it when I say life changing for me. I am very fortunate to have found such a wonderful group of supportive and caring people.

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Old 09-12-2015, 04:07 PM
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Quoting on an iPad is a pain but loved your post Swimkim.
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Old 09-12-2015, 05:28 PM
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Just checking in. Still sober. Hope you are all well
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Old 09-13-2015, 03:49 AM
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Happy Sunday! Swimming, hanging out with kids. Today is a good day. Tonight won't be great because I am hitting the road later and have a massive week ahead working but for now, I am just enjoying the moment.

I hope you all have a great day.

None for me today, because I am better when I don't do drugs,

Best wishes
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Old 09-13-2015, 07:09 AM
  # 174 (permalink)  
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Good morning, afternoon, or night April members!

Thursday, April 16, 2015 started off just like all of my days off started by now. After drinking late into the previous night, I awoke at 4:00am and couldn't sleep. I had a glass of wine, stared at the computer a bit, and finally went back to bed. Got up at 8:00 and started making coffee. My jaw tensed up and I began salivating for a beer. So I drank one while waiting for my coffee. Around ten, I grabbed a diet coke for a caffeine push, and decided to add a little flavor to it. Hello rum. Around 11:30, I started to think about lunch. Glass of wine. Noon time lunch, glass of wine. After lunch, needed something sweet. Another rum and coke. Every hour all day long. Wine, rum and coke, and the occasional beer. I guesstimated that by the time I opened a can of beer at 11:30 pm, I had consumed 16-17 drinks over the course of the day. I had gotten virtually nothing done around the house. I basically drank all my meals. Perhaps most telling, at no point ever during the day did I get that sought after, smile inducing, warm rush buzz that alcohol used to give me. Not once. I kept thinking it was just the next drink away. It never came. I knew it wouldn't but I couldn't stop trying.

This had been going on for the better part of the previous year. I had gotten to the point that the only time that I didn't have a drink in my hand was before or during work, Thank God, I didn't screw that up yet! I finally overcame my denial and admitted that I was swirling down the drain because of booze. So while I was sitting there drinking that last beer, I made a promise to myself. I would not drink tomorrow. I would not drink tomorrow until at least 10:00am! An almost impossible goal for me then.

That following Friday was a beautiful early spring day and I started working in my yard. I made it to 10:00 and dared myself to make it to 11:00. I did, then I challenged myself not to drink at lunch. Made it through. I was having a great time. I was working and cranking tunes in the yard. I made it through the entire day without drinking. It was the first day without booze since the previous summer when I had a stomach bug and was sick all day. I realized that I probably had not drank maybe 50-60 days total over the past 33 years, and these were strictly due to being sick or hungover. I made it through the next day at work, and didn't drink in the car on the way home. Came home late that night and the family was asleep. This was my prime drinking time, in front of the computer all alone. Made it through that night and the next day and the next. I was setting a personal record each hour and day I wasn't drinking.

I don't have to tell any of you what those first few weeks were like, the AV worked it's butt off trying to get me to drink. The demon was sitting on my shoulder the whole time, telling me sweet nothings like," See, you haven't drank in three days. You're not an alcoholic, you have control, you can quit any time you want.You deserve a drink. You had a bad day at work. Drink. You had a good day at work, drink." Over and over. At one point, at four days sober, it begged me to," just pour a little wine into a dixie cup, and smell it. Stick your finger in it and lick your finger." It was totally crazy! I made it through.

Someone here, I think it might have been Inc, posted about not deciding to quit for good, just trying to quit for a day. That was me. When I began my sobriety streak that April 17, I had no plans about never drinking again. I just wanted to make it through the next minute, next ten minutes, next hour. I could not wrap my head around not drinking ever again. Forever was some vague, nebulous concept. I had a voice inside my head begging me to drink.

After a couple weeks, I asked myself whether it was worth it. I was sleeping 3-4 hours a night and my blood pressure was elevated, and I was getting dizzy easily. Thankfully, that was the extent of my physical symptoms. I thought that quitting drinking would solve all of my problems. It didn't. They are all still here. But, that's ok. I can deal with them sober now!

Today is start of my 150th day not drinking. It has been a crazy ride and I really can't believe that I am sitting here typing this. I know Inc and Amp and some of my other April folks are closing in on the big 150. You know what, we all rock! Seriously, who would have thought last April that any single one of us could step away from the booze for 150 days, over five months.

I feel that I can do anything I put my mind to these days.

The AV still occasionally roars its ugly head at me. I've read a few threads about folks that have gone back to drinking a beer or two with friends but not falling back in. I realistically don't think that I can be that person... though the AV tells me all the time that I could be that person.

Please pardon my rambling autobiography here. I actually want to have something in writing that I can look back on to remember the bad times. The AV tries to make me forget them, and only remember when drinking was fun and in control!?

24 more hours please!

Have a great Sunday all and thanks to everyone here for their support!
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Old 09-13-2015, 07:31 AM
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Thanks for that Stargazer. I've had a tough few days. High stress at work. Actually physically my body is rebelling against me with stys and sores. Made it through a wedding last night with AV roaring at me that just one and it would be alright. So tense the whole time. Everyone asking if something was wrong and was I ok. My wife on at me being so antisocial... But I'm still here. Roll on 150 and congrats to all who are there and there abouts

Right. Time to get on the road. 5 hours till home and rest!
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Old 09-13-2015, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by amp123 View Post
Thanks for that Stargazer. I've had a tough few days. High stress at work. Actually physically my body is rebelling against me with stys and sores. Made it through a wedding last night with AV roaring at me that just one and it would be alright. So tense the whole time. Everyone asking if something was wrong and was I ok. My wife on at me being so antisocial... But I'm still here. Roll on 150 and congrats to all who are there and there abouts Right. Time to get on the road. 5 hours till home and rest!
Hang in there, Amp! Whether it's a coincidence or not, I always feel crappy and tempted near a milestone. 30,60,90 and now 150 were unexpectedly challenging for me also.

The lack of spousal support is difficult. My wife still has no idea how bad off I was, mainly because I concealed my drinking from her. For twenty years. I felt and still feel ashamed over my drinking past and lack of honesty. People who are not addicts just can't wrap their heads around what we are going through.

Keep posting Amp whenever you feel the AV roaring. We are all in this together!
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Old 09-13-2015, 08:20 AM
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Thank you for sharing that, SG! Very inspiring. Congratulations on 150 days. I'm so glad that you don't have to go back to that horrific place you described. You've come a long way! Keep it up

Amp, glad you're doing okay. Good job for not succumbing to the AV at the wedding. Keep hanging in there. You will feel better soon!
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Old 09-13-2015, 08:37 AM
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Wow SG. Awesome post. I am sooo happy for you. Our stories are so similar, it's scary.

Happy 150th Birthday SG!!
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Old 09-13-2015, 11:39 AM
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WTG SG. Congratulations!! You really should take a moment because that truly is an awesome achievement. Just how much your body will be thanking you, and saving yourself before things were too late. Amazing!

I am very sure much of what you have written about the early days resonates with all of us - it certainly does with me. Makes me literally shudder now.

Best wishes
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Old 09-14-2015, 05:32 AM
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Happy Monday everybody! It's a brisk 50 degrees F here on the US East Coast. It's a great day to be alive and to wake up without a hangover. Have a great day everyone!
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